.SOMETIMES RAW.

A friend told me the other day, “It seems like you always know what is right. You are so strong and you will figure things out in the end.” It seems like it, dear friend, but I do not always know either. Of course, I don’t have the answer to everything but I can admit that. Half of the time I sit down and draw a complete blank but I love feeling my way in the dark, grasping into the void for the things that make sense to me. And I love to look back on difficult times in my life when I felt I did not know anything and remembering what that felt like. Someone whom I love very much said to me, “You just told me what you think. Now tell me how you fell.” The closest thing that felt like feelings to me were more like longings: I wanted a cottage at the lake and watch the sunset. I wanted to sip a beer at the fireplace while sitting in a comfortable lounge chair. I wanted to be surrounded by beautiful things and most importantly, I wanted to be loved.

I had many friends who I liked and a job I liked most of the time. I used to say that I felt grateful for my job, but I didn’t feel grateful. I just knew I should feel grateful for it. I had boyfriends who were nice; I thought I was probably lucky to have them. I didn’t always feel lucky, though. So I got a new boyfriend, and I felt a little luckier, but I still didn’t really know what love is.

I never really know what the future holds for me but I can predict it to some extent. At some point, I wanted a house. Then I wanted a child, then I wanted to get married but just having a child and getting married sounded pretty horrible. I loved some of my boyfriends, I really did but I never thought they can make good husbands or fathers to my child. Actually, being their girlfriend sounded pretty terrible, too. But maybe I was just too negative. I just wasn’t sure. My gut told me no. My problem was that I felt plenty of things but never really trusted my own feelings to guide me. Asking an ex too many questions would mean an argument so it was easier to say nothing because that way at least I would feel safe and secure and nothing would have to change. But this just led to me not trusting myself, because I was mad for not bringing up the subjects that bothered me the most. I also learned not to give myself a hard time about every goddamn thing under the sun. I just think, “I am here, trying. I am a person who tries my best. I do what I fucking can. It is okay to just try.” I teach my son the same.

When I started to accept all this, I was initially overcome with feelings. I sometimes burst into tears but this is a beautiful thing. I thought, ” I am feeling really sad right now, and weak, and beat, and lost, and that is not just okay; it is good. It is exactly how I need to feel in this moment and the sadness does not make me weak. I just find my way in the dark.”

Uncertainty and vulnerability are the guides through this life we are all living. It is a good thing because leaning into not knowing will bring more knowledge and wisdom and understanding than I ever dreamed of. Being truthful and open and honest with yourself means letting in those scary emotions and noticing the angry self-talk and embracing all of it.

What does not feeling and excepting your feelings lead to? It throws you into a defensive, self-attacking stance which sucks because you are miserable, angry and uncomfortable with your own self. This in combination with negative self-talk and powering down of emotions is toxic and can lead to depression.

So, I follow my uncertainty and fear into the darkness, I accept that the darkness will always be a part of me. I am just a person who does not know all the answers and I don’t know what the future will bring but I can close my eyes anytime to feel how good it is to be alive, how good it feels just to breathe. Life is not about knowing but about feeling your way through the dark. I don’t say, “this should be lighter by now, ” because this means I am shutting myself off from my own happiness. I let the darkness be present even if this means that I have to get on my knees to crawl through it. Then I say, “Holy s*** it is dark but look at me crawling. I can crawl like a motherfucker.”

Hello and Welcome to “Ask Sometimes Raw” where I will answer your burning questions. Ask me a question by sending an email to danielahenry81@gmail.com with the subject line “Ask Sometimes Raw,” or simply leaving one in the comments.

Dear Sometimes Raw,

I married the man I never thought I would meet. It was this kind of man I actually considered having children with and spend the rest of my life being loved by and loving him back. One week into the relationship he told me that he broke up with all his girlfriends. He met so many women because he was single, traveled a lot but now he knows that I AM the one. I felt so good, so special. I thought, “these poor ladies.” One year later we were married (I know, gross), and another year later we had our first child, followed shortly after by our second. He started to work more and spent long hours at the office. Once he returned home, he was usually different, almost absent at times. We had horrible fights, too. We spoke a lot about our problems but I guess not enough because I was always still concerned about the dramatic change in his personality and actions. Certain things seemed to be more important than spending time with the family. Our marriage was not perfect, and in hindsight, there were many things that bothered me but I let it slide hoping it will all get better at some point. He has a huge ego that he uses to mask insecurity and lack of self-confidence but women love it. Eventually, I found out that he cheated on me for quite some time. Of course, I don’t want reconciliation. I filed for divorce because once trust has been broken this marriage ship has sailed. Since then, I have come a long way. I feel so much better and all I would love is some advice on how to move on more easily and heal after this exhausting time.

Sincerely,

New Adventures

Dear New Adventures,

Emergency signs, bells, and alarms are overheard because we are blind and sooooo in love (#eyeroll). But when someone is wrong for you, he is just wrong for you. Sometimes, there is no way to hold things together because you cannot be nicer, more understanding, sexier or whatever. You cannot make your partner more caring, more like a loving father for your children, more loyal or patient. But let’s not barrel down that rageful lane but instead think you need to survey the facts and realize that in the end, you are better of without him. That guy was never going to give you the support and love you and your children deserve. Like ever. I guess that he is not even capable of sticking by someone’s side when the chips are down and times get rough. Some people are just like that. They love you intensely one minute, but as soon as the situation shifts a bit because people change, they get bored and they are out. I bet, if you would have paid close enough attention, you would have seen a few more examples of him backing away from you slowly.

It is important to figure out early on if you can really lean on your partner and trust them that they will be by your side when roads get rough. If a guy seems to love you but his behavior shows an interest in creating greater distances all the time stay away from him. If he constantly fantasizes about more projects, if he is insecure and does not take responsibility for anything he says or does, backs away when you need him most, only talks about himself and how awesome he is, or seems unable or unwilling to get to the bottom of any conflict with you because it is all your fault anyway, your alarm bells should ring and maybe you should not be with that guy. Don’t sign up for a lifetime with this person. Way too many people do, hoping that the partner will change along the way. They rarely do.

I know that it is incredibly hard to raise your two children on your own while dealing with this betrayal. But you can do this. You have come so far. It is time to rid yourself of the aftertaste of his bad decisions once and for all. His choices and actions do not define you. His heartlessness and lack of loyalty and interest in his children have nothing to do with you. That is who he is. That is his reality he believes. He probably blames all this on you but guess what, it always takes two people. Deep down, he is insecure, sad and lonely and he knows that but he masks it well. All you have to do now is to make sure to define your life story in a new way. Reinvent your whole life and make it look beautiful again, whether or not it has a man in it. You have to become strong again, and happier and healthier. File your ex under MR. WRONG permanently with a warning label attached for other women who may fall for his initial charm.

The path from now on is about you, and you alone. Quiet your mind and really see yourself. Start dating and hanging out with yourself. Do the things that make you feel happy, strong and independent. Whatever that entails. Maybe you want to change your hair. Maybe cut it very short. Maybe move to another city or country. Maybe you have to leave people you love behind and maybe you even have to give up some big dreams. You should stop making room in your life for someone else’s love and start making room for your self love instead. Be proud of yourself. Imagine a life without romantic love for now. Love yourself and your children first. Drink their love in. They will be big kids faster than you think so slow down and drink yourself and life in, too. Recognize how much happier and better off you already are without your ex.

As Arthur Ashe once said, “Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.” Remember that there is no injustice in your life anymore. You are healthy and your children are healthy. Love yourself and love them. Think that this is exactly where you are supposed to be at this moment.

Be well,

Sometimes Raw

What are food additives and why are they used?

Food additives are chemicals added to our food. Reasons for use are to improve shelf life/storage time. To make food more available. To increase nutritional value. To improve the flavor of food. To make food easier to prepare. To improve customer acceptance. Scary fact: The average person may be eating up to 5 kg of artificial food additives per year!

Flavors- Artificial and “Natural: When “flavor” is listed as an ingredient, we have no idea what is in that product. The term refers to “flavor” but also covers any “incidental additives”, such as solvents, emulsifiers, and preservatives. It is sometimes a mix of up to 100 chemicals. An artificial flavor must be comprised of one of the nearly 700 FDA-allowed flavoring chemicals or food additives categorized as “genrally recognized as safe”, or any of 2000 other chemicals not directly regulated by FDA but sanctioned for use by an industry group, the Flavor and Extract Manufacturers Association of the United States.

Artificial colors: In Canada, eight artificial dyes are permitted in food, with the others for restricted use only, labeling only required to list “color”. Many are derived from coal-tar and petrochemicals. Studies have found links between artificial food additives and hyperactivity, allergies (eczema, asthma) and cancers. Many European countries ban them and brands make the same products free of these additives for their market.

Caramel: Caramel is derived from allergens (corn, soy, wheat, dairy) and source not listed in the ingredients list because it is used as a color. Found in Cola, brown bread, chocolate, vinegar, gravy, donuts etc. Has been linked to lowered immune function in rats. Four different processing methods, two of them use ammonia that caused cancer in rats. Ammonia-caramel coloring listed as a carcinogen under California’s Proposition 65.

Nitrates & Nitrites: Sodium nitrate and sodium nitrite are two food preservatives used to preserve meat, kill bacteria and give meat its characteristic pink color. These are compounds found naturally in some foods (like vegetables) but also added to processed foods (like bacon) as a preservative. Nitrates are relatively inert until they are turned into nitrites by bacteria in the mouth or enzymes in the body. Nitrites can either turn into Nitric Oxide (good) or nitrosamines (bad) depending on your microbiome. Nitric oxide is important to make blood vessels dilate and blood pressure lower. Nitrosamines are also more likely to form when exposed to high heat (meats). They are carcinogenic.

BHA & BHT (butylated hydroxyanisole and butylated bydroxytoluene): BHA and BHT are preservatives derived from petrochemicals used to prevent rancidity of fats in foods and cosmetics. BHA linked to cancer in animal studies, the European Union classifies it as an endocrine disrupter (hormones!). BHT causes developmental effects and thyroid change in animal studies. Commonly found in potato chips, gum, cereal, meats, and candy. Found in most processed foods. BHA banned in cosmetics in Europe and labeled in California as a suspected carcinogen.

Sulfites: Preservatives and antioxidants found in wine, dried fruit, fruit juice concentrate, and many pharmaceuticals to help preserve and prevent browning. Reduce levels of important nutrients, such as beta-carotene, B-complex and calcium. Can cause headache, nausea, diarrhea, irrigated membranes, abdominal pain, rashes, and trigger asthma. The average intake is 2-3 mg/day, wine & beer drinkers 10 mg/day, restaurant frequenters 150mg/day.

MSG (monosodium glutamate): Is a flavor enhancer. Sodium salt or glutamic acid found in many proteins. Can be labeled as “hydrolyzed protein”, “natural flavoring” or yeast extract. Acute reactions include headache, agitation, increased heart rate, numbness, tingling. Linked with obesity, diabetes, ADD, allergies, IBS and depression. Studies show varying results, however.

Brominated Vegetable Oil (BVO): Is an emulsifier and clouding agent in soft drinks. It helps to suspend flavors in citrus-flavored beverages. Bromates used in flour to condition dough (not always listed). BVO is very poorly tested and safety concerns have led to a ban in EU, Japan, and India; many soft drink companies replacing it. BVO is the same chemical family as flame-retardants. Early studies suggest that flame-retardant chemicals disrupt normal hormone function, leading to problems with brain development in children, fertility, thyroid function, and possibly cancer. Some people have acute reactions, including food poisoning symptoms, memory loss, and neurological symptoms.

Is there anything that I can still eat? What about salt?

Ingredient Order: Ingredients are shown in descending order, except spices, seasoning, herbs (except salt!), natural and artificial flavors, flavor enhancers, food additives (except ingredients of food additives preparations), vitamins, soalts and derivatives of vitamins, mineral nutrients, salts of mineral nutrients.

This is a lot of information, I know. But maybe you keep some of it in mind when you shop for food. Read the labels and if you are not sure about some ingredients the EWG’S Food Score App may be helpful.

Part 3 about toxic exposure in cleaning and personal care products will be published soon.

Stay Happy. Stay Healthy.