.SOMETIMES RAW.

A conversation between a friend and I:

Friend: “I told him I was looking for a pen, but the truth is I was snooping around.”

Me: “Sometimes it seems necessary to snoop around but usually, nothing good comes of it.”

Friend: “I only understand such decency intellectually and I learned it the hard way today!”

Me: “So what happened?”

Friend: “I was hanging out in the bedroom while he was at work. We were technically (alarm sign!) happy, but he had broken up with me in a dramatic fashion about six months prior, and once we got back together. This, of course, is how looking for a pen in his desk animorphed me into a raccoon sniffing around a dumpster. AND HOLY F*** DID I SCORE SOME TRASH! HE WROTE A PRO/CON LIST ABOUT ME! I decided to ask him about the note when he got back later that day. It was just too absurd to keep it to myself and oddly enough, my concern was not for the totally batshit content of the list but I was just curious as to why the hell it existed in the first place. Was he thinking about ending the relationship again? This man and I sat down and I confessed that I ‘stumbled’ across the note while searching for a pen (great lie but blatant) and was perplexed by it. He assured me it didn’t mean anything and I assured him I was game to change my personality to just stay with him. I was mostly interested in making the whole confrontation an enjoyable experience for him. I am a girlfriend who doesn’t need drama. End of conversation and we kissed. Then, he came home drunk two weeks later.”

Me: …… (eyeroll)

Friend: “You are drunk. Where have you been? I made dinner and waited for you. Didn’t you get my messages?”

Him: “I HATE TOMATOES! I ate at the bar! Actually, we have nothing in common. But Theresa and I have. I love her so much. Oh, yeah, I am seeing someone else!”

So, I wrote him a breakup letter. The only suitable thing to do in this situation for my very good friend.

Hi there, (douchbag, asshole, weirdo, f***er, di**)

just circling back/closing the loop on the conversation we had the other night because you seemed drunk. I also have been giving it a lot of thought and have decided not to move forward with this relationship that leads nowhere. It is not only that the other night’s dinner was a deal-breaker in and of itself, but although your use of “that’s what she (Theresa) said” for comedic relief was unacceptable. I almost blame myself for holding on for so long and I should have known you are an asshole. Theresa (if she is smart) will hopefully discover this rather sooner than later.

My list of a quick analysis of our relationship in the last couple of months which reveals:

• No love but cold feelings
• You are glued to your phone at all times
• Under-delivery on fundamental things such as respectful debate, witty observations, and general praising of my capabilities
• No sex
• A drop-off in non-sexual contact (spooning, hand-holding and tenderly brushing the hair off my face like you used to do)
• We actually had nothing in common except one thing. We both like pizza with broccoli topping

All indicates a gross misalignment in expectations. They say you should always under-promise and over-deliver, but you have both promised the world and exhibited minimal follow-through over the course of our relationship. Actuals haven’t stacked up to projections, not even close. I only have so much emotional bandwidth and there is no viable option beyond folding this venture. I appreciated your interest in the role of my boyfriend. No further actions required on your end, apart from returning my Harvard University Hoodie and Dermalogica exfoliating mask (that shit is expensive).

All the best,

D.

[He got married to Theresa and they have one child. They divorced one year later. The reason: He cheated.]

I have broken up with men and have been broken up with once and the best part about all this is taking mental note of the red flags I missed and keeping them in mind for future relationships. Of all the warning signs I have breezed past, I wrote down in pro/con lists. I wish I had them all still framed in my living room because the contents of it were so telling. What truly tickles me about this pro/con list my friend’s ex wrote is that the best qualities in his eyes (hot) were nowhere close to the ones she valued in herself and would prefer to be loved for her mind, personality, humor, and literally anything else. That mismatch was exactly why they didn’t “work out”. Their values were off-the-charts different. If she just would have paid attention to the signs… So should we all.

Buy, don’t rent.

Always think outside of the box.

Let any person who considers to get pregnant take care of a newborn child for two days (weeks). They may reconsider.

Don’t expect anything from anyone.

Don’t take shit personal.

If people have the need to feel important, just let them be and smile.

Minecraft will be in any parents’ life at some point.

My beauty philosophy: I watch my 7-year-old son and there’s no question of beautiful or not beautiful. He just IS. He is always in his body, at the moment, confident, strong. He is absolutely natural and hasn’t had all the conditions put upon him yet. Beauty is getting back to that natural state, becoming aware of your thoughts, and realizing you are more than your body.

There is no need to get married at all. It is just a piece of paper.

Pornography is the opiate of the masses.

Dry skin? Drink more water.

Too much makeup will ruin your skin eventually. So will Botox.

Everybody lies.

Many pretend.

In Vienna, a small 2-bedroom apartment to buy may cost Eur 1,000,000.

Dog owners will look like their dogs eventually.

Eat your dessert with a small spoon. It will last longer.

Home-made chicken soup is awesome and super healthy.

Don’t cover a couch in plastic and pretend it is comfortable for you (or your guests) to sit on.

Don’t buy anything that is 100 percent wool or cashmere even if it seems to be very soft and not particularly itchy when you try it on in the store.

Sometimes you just never know.

Sometimes things make no sense.

The plane is not going to crash.

Everything you think is wrong with your body at the age of twenty-five you will be nostalgic for at the age of forty.

Drinking and eating too much will result in a saggy roll just above your waist even if you are painfully thin.

This saggy roll just above your waist will be especially visible from the back and will force you to reevaluate half the clothes in your closet, especially the white shirts.

Write everything down and keep a journal.

Take more pictures.

You can order more than one dessert once in a while but keep the saggy roll in mind.

You cannot own too many black turtleneck sweaters.

Wear black. It is always chic.

If the shoe doesn’t fit in the shoe store, it is never going to fit.

Back up your files.

Over-insure everything. Especially, if you have kids.

There is a point in making piecrust from scratch. Or noodles. Or pizza.

The reason you are waking up in the middle of the night is the large glass of wine of the second bottle.

The minute you decide to get divorced, go see a lawyer and file the papers.

Buy vintage clothes.

Don’t share too much private information. Ever. There are secrets.

Don’t expect anything.

Back to nature and a big garden is key.

Reading is everything. It makes me feel I have accomplished something, learned something, become smarter, become a better person.

Parenting is not easy. In a nutshell, here is what is involved: You love your child(ren), you hang out with them from time to time, you throw balls, you read stories, you make sure they know which utensil is the salad fork, you teach them to say please and thank you, and you ask if they did their homework. Continue until they are eighteen. Yeah, right. Continue forever.

Expensive lotions and potions for your face and body don’t work. Don’t buy La Mer creme for Eu 1.350,00. WHY is this creme so expensive? Does it contain parts of the angler fish?

Don’t care what people think of you. Do your thing.

Pssssst. Hey you! It is me: Afternoon Walk. As you may have noticed, you are turning to me an awful lot these days. Don’t get me wrong, I love what we have together, but I think we need to face the truth: I can never be everything you want me to be.

When this little routine first started (lockdown 1), I thought it was the greatest thing in the world. I was an escape. I was an adventure. I was beloved. But somewhere along the way, I became your EVERYTHING. Now, I am both: your leisure activity and your only form of exercise. I am the last thing tethering you to reality, yet your only way of escaping. I am the singular effort you make to maintain your sanity, and your sole means of experiencing joy, hope, and happiness. It feels as if I am your lover, friend, and therapist all wrapped into one and, frankly, it is making me uncomfortable.

Personally, I think I have held up my end of the deal quite well. I am there every time you need me. I am literally always an option. I don’t know if you know this, but you can even have me at other times of the day. For example, have you tried the morning?

Perhaps, instead of rolling up to your email inbox in a sleepy, hurried rage, you could first project your hopes and dreams onto a morning walk listening to the birds? I hear morning walks are a great way to extend the bliss of forgetfulness you experience in the first few moments of waking up and delay the vague, gnawing sense of impending doom before you go to work.

But let’s get back to the root of the problem here. I am but a simple afternoon walk. You are a human person with complex feelings and emotions like happiness, anger, fear and boredom. And you want us both to believe that I can address these things with magical powers?

I will let you in on a little secret: I have no magical powers. I never have. This isn’t an imposter syndrome thing either, so don’t even start with the, “Oh, come on, everyone knows how magical and talented you are!” I am telling you right now, for real, I have no magical powers.

I have gotta say it feels like even the things I can do for you are not enough anymore. How quickly you seem to have forgotten that I actually am a stress reliever and an energy booster. I shoot endorphins through your brain like a confetti cannon, for crying out loud. Do not even get me started on the way I fight off heart disease. But you never think about that anymore, do you?

Anyway, forget it. I know you don’t want to talk about heart disease because one of your co-worker just had one. I know things are hard right now. Really, I get it. But might I remind you that no one ever said, “You know what could eradicate coronavirus, convince national leaders that everyone deserves a livable wage regardless of the kind of work they are doing, and provide a rush of endorphins? A short afternoon walk.”

So please, for the love of God, I am gonna need you to develop just one or even two other coping mechanisms. Like eating. Then maybe, just maybe, we can actually enjoy each other’s company again on our way to a restaurant where you have to test yourself “in”, sit two meters apart from your friends unless you are sharing the same household, be home at 8 pm, wear a mask but are able to remove it to insert food but put it right back on when you laugh. Oh, I forgot, laughing is not allowed at all because of the tiny droplets. “Can I at least bring my dog,” you may ask. Be aware that two squirrels have been tested positive yesterday.

You are welcome.