.SOMETIMES RAW.

“When someone tells me they are getting a divorce, I say, ‘CONGRATULATIONS!’ If you’re doing it, I guess you needed it. It was the best thing that could have happened to me. The best thing that could have happened for my kids. And the best thing that could have happened to my ex. Everyone in my family became who they needed to be from this situation. We all became the heroes of our own journey.” – Eat Pray Love

Many of my readers have noticed that I am divorced. It is not a secret. I do not think it is fair to my ex to discuss specifics on the internet. I also wanted to wait until the divorce was finalized to let my readers know about it here. I want to write this post because many of you have followed our lives from the beginning and because I know some of my friends are going through separations and divorces.

I want to write this post in a way so it may help other women who are going through the same decision-making process. Keep in mind that is is not worth it to spend your life with someone who you don’t love and who doesn’t make you happy for any reason, emotional, financial, kids, cheater, abusive relationship etc.

First of all, no decision to separate a marriage or a long term relationship is easy. And I have to admit that I agonized over it for quite some time but certain things that happened pointed me in that direction that it is the best for myself and my son. While it was a very hard decision, I have to say I have not been this happy with my life for a very long time. It is hard, and it is frustrating at times, but I have a free, happy feeling inside of me that I haven’t felt in years. And it certainly gets projected onto my son.

“Neither of us is happy but neither of us wants to leave so we keep breaking one another and calling it love” – Rumi Kaur

For me, the realization that I was not happy in my marriage came on slowly. I did not know or rather did not want to see what was wrong at first. I felt like I was trapped with no way out and simply unhappy and I wanted something more; something different. It took me months to understand what I was feeling and what it was connected to. And then more time to make a solid decision that I didn’t want to go back and forth anymore. Again, I don’t want to discuss the whys here because it would not be fair to my son’s father. However, the decision felt right. I learned that there is a huge difference between someone telling you they love you and them actually loving you.

At this point in my life, I do not blame anyone and just feel it was for the better. I realized that what I needed to grow and to be a better person and to achieve something in my life wasn’t what I had or what I wanted anymore. Too many things have happened. But in a divorce, especially whenever children are involved, it is important to at least try to agree and stay amicable about everything.

I know that many women out there feel/felt trapped, unhappy with the person they are with, confused and not sure if there is a way out. I felt all those things for a long time until I started making my way out. Sometimes two people just have to separate and move on. For their own sake, for the sake of the child(ren). In some cases, I know that sometimes happy parents apart are better than lifeless, angry parents together.

Wouldn’t you rather be alone instead of being with someone who does not love you or give you what you need? Take your time, listen to your feelings and prepare for your new life. When people found out that my ex and I separated, they were so confused because we seemed so happy together and indeed we were for many years. But in the last years, there was a deep-seated feeling that something was off and it just grew and grew. Things change, people change, feelings change. In my case, this change is a good chance to newfound independence.

As a writer, it is normal to be drawn to the written word, to daydream and to write down sentences that begin with the phrase: “as a writer”. These days, my fantasies center around the publication of my second book and what book cover to use. Of course, as a writer, one of my favorite authors is Patti Smith.

Patti’s book Just Kids has become a staple in every hipster-aesthete’s literary arsenal just because the cover is so goddamn awesome. As a writer, I have often pondered what makes a successful book cover these days, especially in the age of e-books and Audible. Would Daniela Henry’s book Sometimes Raw been such a hit without this cover?

“The real marrow of what makes a great cover is looking at an image and it being able to project out the abstract but important ideas or story that book is trying to convey, “explained Abigail Bergstrom, Head of Publishing Gleam Futures. “A lot of my authors have existing communities, so they have a real instinct and intuition on who’s going to buy the book,” she continued. This increase in agency among authors is reflected in their covers. “I think in the non-fiction space it’s very type-led, especially on issues of gender and women’s voices. They’re being taken seriously in the way that they should be and maybe haven’t in the past. Their covers are looking more authoritative — that’s a word I hear a lot of my authors say — they want to look authoritative. Less millennial pink, more authority.”

Bergstrom says that e-book sales have now plateaued, hinting that people still desire the physical object over its digital counterpart. I totally agree with this. People rarely post pictures of their Kindle book and a cup of coffee on Instagram for example. A book is a symbolic object which makes the picture so much more significant. Holding it, smelling it…. You get my point.

So, what draws you to a book? The cover for one because it speaks volumes about not only the content but how we choose to represent ourselves. How do I choose a design? “Really, it’s not about designing a cover that works for Instagram, it’s about designing a cover that’s going to be saleable through the internet,” explains Bergstrom. “Things like thumbnails on Audible — if you’ve got a cover that has really intricate tiny drawings, that’s not going to speak to the reader.” I heard stories from my writer-colleagues who had fights with their publishers over their cover design. How come? “The tug and war of the creative process is helpful,” says Bergstrom. “It really brings to light the positioning of the book and who it’s for…it’s good to have that ironed out and focused so that everybody’s on the same page before we enter the stage of comms and marketing the book.” For me, it is hard to find a suitable cover. Why? Because there is no specific formula for guaranteeing a cover’s success. “A successful book cover properly captures the tone of the book,” says Joan Wong, book designer. “To me, it’s not so much about making sure the book sells as much as it is about doing right by the writing.”

As a writer, I have to tell you that writing a book is not easy. It is hard work but I love it. I also have to tell you that I am in the final stages and just sent my second manuscript to a publisher. I love it at the moment and then I hate it in others and finally, I get used to it. After finishing a book, often an emptiness results and I write nothing. But I have found it is important to just be patient and go about my business and unexpectedly it will happen again. I know it always does. I will sit down again and begin the next book. This way I am never discouraged.

It does not matter if your dreams come true and you do get published, if agents swoon and audiences cheer. Trust me on this: It truly does not matter! What matters is the feeling that you are writing, every day. What matters is the work, diving in, feeling your way in the dark, finding the words, trusting yourself, embracing your weird (german) voice, celebrating your quirks on the page and believing in all of it. What matters is you, all alone on your desk, your favorite place to write, a place where you know who you are and what you are meant to accomplish in this life. Realize that it all depends on you. If you don’t want it, then to hell with it. Reach for what you love with abandon, with hope in your heart, with fragility, without knowing exactly what comes next. Reach and never stop reaching.

One last piece of advice. Whenever you feed your soul and truly savor what you do with your time, it makes it much more likely that your big dreams will come true. Now write and don’t judge the book by its cover.

“If you follow the classical pattern, you are understanding the routine, the tradition… you are not understanding yourself.” – Bruce Lee

It is not unheard of that in any career, creative practice or life stage, it may be rather difficult to know the next step, in which direction to go. All these things can feel like impossible tasks. Maybe they are. Many times we make decisions and rarely know where they will lead us and we cannot predict what kind of career ladder will reveal itself as we take our first steps into new territory. To just focus on goals or long-term plans that seem to work can many times rather prove futile. As comedian Tim Minchin put it, “If you focus too far in front of you, you won’t see the shiny things out the corner of your eye.“

Following a classical pattern or how things are supposed to be closed me off from pursuing what truly drives and excites me. So, I want to take the next step simply from a desire to upskill, from this restlessness for months now and the feeling of being stuck. This moment before taking action left me feeling uncertain, indecisive, confused and even fearful. I asked myself many times if I am ready or simply restless because, whenever things are uncertain all I crave is certainty. I know I cannot speed up time to get desired answers or shut off what is happening right now but what I can do is to focus and develop a passionate dedication to the pursuit of short-term goals that make sense for now. I simply have to work with whatever is right in front of me. Whenever I do not know what steps to take next, I take a break and then start with the smallest steps first to look out for opportunities that may appear. Because it is okay and maybe sometimes even beneficial to take a break instead of a step. I took some time off now to fill up my tanks and I am ready for new chapters in my life.

I started by asking myself questions. What is it I really want? What makes me happy? Such questions are important to determine what the self really wants. I really checked in with myself. It is safety I need? Is it a secure job and the security it gives me? So, I came up with the idea to step outside my present settings and asked if a new environment may bring clarity. Last weekend at the cottage I was able to reflect and get clarity on where I am going and why I do want to go in this direction.

Long story short, I figured out what I want. I want to take a leap in different directions. I want to go to the next stage and challenge but I do not know what that looks like quite yet for one way even though I have articulated it in my head. One direction is crystal clear and I know what I get myself into because I have been there and this is actually what I want and need in my life right now. I cannot be stuck in my head anymore trying to figure things out that may never work out.

Currently, I am accepting that there is always a waiting period and impatience can rear its head when I am feeling stuck after I have done everything possible. Everything will eventually unfold and when one door closes, another one opens. I also know that taking the next step won’t magically change everything in my life but I still have certain expectations that I want to meet. I trust myself while putting and throwing myself in these new situations and will see what happens. I know I can put my son and myself where we need to be. I feel that I need to follow these directions because this time I am trusting my gut and believe in myself. This way I celebrate my achievements as I go and remind myself of them if I start feeling a bit wobbly and just keep going.

I am still sad and excited simultaneiously but it is time to start fresh because my life simply cannot go on like this. Nothing has changed here for me which makes it easier to move on. Most importantly, I need to give myself time to heal. I follow my heart and gut and I know that after a lot of stress, I deserve to be happy while everything is lining up for me. When I feel sad that I left, I feel excited, too. I know that I will be connected to my family and friends in Canada at a very deep level.

“However will we cope without you. I guess we will find out“. How do you know it is true love? Because you feel free and at home at the same time. From my heart to yours.