.SOMETIMES RAW.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

can I please have your attention for this public service announcement: I did it again. My fifth book has been published. 

What the book is about: 

Like my previous books, I have written essays on my life in general, about simplifying, how not to kill your kid(s), and how to create a passionate life for me and the people I love to spend my time with. You will find inspiration, (mental) health tips, and how to be a better version of yourself. This time, more focus is placed on new adventures, buying a house, and ways to enjoy life to the fullest.

What I hope to achieve with my book is that you get comfortable, enjoy a glass of wine, send your kid(s) to bed, and read my book in silence and peace. I hope it will transfer you into a relaxed, thought-provoking, or inspirational mode, make you reflect and most importantly think. Always think outside the box. 

I really want to thank my family, friends, and blog readers, and the support I have gotten to make this happen. I will have book signings coming up in Vienna at independent bookstores. Announcements and dates will be shared on this website. 

To sum this book up according to Morawa Publisher:

A new rip-roaring essay collection from the smart, edgy, hilarious, unabashedly raunchy author Daniela Henry. She published successful books and loves to write mostly in her beautiful garden near the pond in the countryside. The essays in this collection draw on the raw, hilarious particulars of Henry’s new life. “Apparently, there were Complaints” is Henry at her most unflinching, riotous, and relatable.

Order your copy here, here, or in any bookstore.  

Thank you for reading my stuff. <3

My son (Joel) and I are sitting in the living room. He is playing Minecraft and I am working on getting my 5th book published.

Getting Started

Mom, first, you need to decide between Creative Mode and Survival Mode. In Creative Mode, you are like a god, the lord and master of all you see, with an infinite number of items and resources at your disposal. Creative Mode is only available for writers. Everybody else has to play in Survival Mode. You will also need to choose a difficulty level. Your options are Peaceful, Easy, Normal, Hard, and Writer. Let’s select that last one and see what happens.

Your Character Spawns

Mom, your character could spawn in any biome, but since you selected Writer Mode, there is a 90 percent chance you will appear at a café where you are writing essays. (What is this child of mine talking about?) If you chose to begin with a Bonus Chest, it should be in one of the adjacent bathroom stalls. Look inside to find useful information written on the stall walls that will help you on your quest, including more writing, and then go back to the café for a brownie or a muffin.

Building a Shelter

You can build your shelter out of almost any material, but choose something cozy since you’ll be sharing your shelter/house/office with every other writer playing in your realm. A well-built shelter will keep the elements and most hostile mobs at bay, but letters from publishers who reject your work will always find you. Don’t bother crafting windows for your shelter, since it must be located underground next to a lava pool, a bottomless chasm, and several broken photocopiers.

Searching for Resources

There are tons of resources to write at work! All you need to do is to observe! But, mom, start by gathering valuable natural resources such as wood, cobblestone, and coal, all of which can be bartered with villagers for the mini muffins that will constitute 90 percent of your diet (the other 10 percent comes from the salmon sandwich you found in the caféteria, so eat it sparingly). You should also gather sticks and wool to craft the futon that will be your bed, office, and occasional sexual partner. If you encounter gold, diamonds, or anything else even remotely valuable, immediately select SAVE AND QUIT and invest in your negative Rate this Writer evaluations, I guess.

Crafting Supplies

Mom, I think, you should just combine four wooden planks to create a crafting table. You can use this helpful item to craft pretty much anything, including powerful weapons, armor, and tools. Unfortunately, I will just use it as a desk to write on and edit the two hundred essays on gender identity in Jane Eyre. You are actually the Link character in Minecraft because I guess “you know gender“. The good news is that you don’t need to sleep in Minecraft, so this can be just like one of your real-life workdays. Only stop if a zombie starts trying to eat you, or—worst of all—if a zombie tries to kill you before you can save your writings.

Encountering Hostile Mobs

Zombies, spiders, and creepers will all try to kill you, but the most dangerous hostile mob you will encounter is the dreaded “publishing committee,” who will not only kill you but also demand that you give them a CV, a cover letter, academic transcripts from undergrad, grad school, and kindergarten, seven letters of reference, a twelve-year research plan, and three thousand euros to pay your own way to have your book published.

Fighting the Ender Dragon

Mom, to reach the end of the game, you will need to fight the most terrifying, powerful, and remorseless enemy you can imagine. His name is Jason Eaterson Gandalf, and he was granted tenure in 1978 with one conference paper and zero publications on his CV. Despite getting his first tenure-track job because his supervisor was a drinking buddy of the department, he now expects everyone to do an excellent job on a daily basis. He hasn’t published anything yet, though. Conventional weapons (conversations or spells) cannot harm him, so your only hope is to say good things about him, wear that baseball hat, and pray that he gets offered a job somewhere else.

Starting Over

Playing Minecraft on Writer Mode means you will need to start a new game from scratch every eight to twelve weeks. Just because. No explanation needed. You are a writer and will come up with something else interesting. If you don’t backup your work, it does not exist. You may want to consider playing a game that simulates a safer and more stable career, such as auto thief, soldier of fortune, or assassin. However, given the large number of new writers out there who are joining the game each year, the smartest move might be selling your gaming system and funneling the profits into a yogurt stock.

Now, win the final battle, mom.

From my experience when it comes to men, they tend to see things less complicated than women do. I had a conversation with a friend at work the other day who told me that he has a cookbook with easy recipes because it does not need to be complicated what is on his plate. He shared some of his favourites with me which I find so funny. Maybe you want to try some of his recipes. They are definitely easy to make but maybe not that healthy. 😀

Recipes from his cookbook

Hot Dog

Ingredients:

• 1 hot dog
• 1 bun

Directions:

1. Poke holes in the hot dog because otherwise, it might explode.

2. Put it in the microwave for thirty seconds.

3. Put hot dog in bun.

4. Boom! That’s all you need to do!

Stir Fry

Ingredients:

• Oh man, just go down to the supermarket, hit the produce section, and get some of everything. Carrots, snow peas, mushrooms, eggplant? Just whatever! Broccoli!
• They have all the veggies together in bags labelled “Stir Fry” now, but that’s cheating.
• Chicken if you feel fancy.
• Rice if you have time.
• Soy sauce from bottle or packets.

Directions:

1. Stir all of it together in a wok.

2. If you don’t own a wok, check around the apartment. The last people might have left behind a wok.

3. If not, it’s a great excuse to stop by someone’s house and introduce yourself.

4. My friend Wendy had a wok but it stayed at her house. I was over there a lot.

Ramen Noodles

Ingredients:

• 1 bag of Ramen
• Water

Directions:

1. Fifty-nine cents. You got chicken, beef, or pork.

2. I lived on Ramen for months. At least a meal a day, often two.

3. It… uh… I had to go to the health center because the salt intake was making me kind of fall apart. It was bad.

4. Boil the water, throw the thing in there, drain the water, put the powdery stuff in there.

5. I also started to have blurred vision from all that salt but my wife saved me by starting to cook at my place.

6. I saw a place up at Karlsplatz in Vienna the other day, a ramen restaurant. And their ramen costs like seventeen Euros for a bowl!

7. Prices have sure gone up!

Quesadilla or Burrito

Ingredients:

• Tortillas (1-2)
• Refried beans (can)
• Cheese, pre-shredded

Optional ingredients:

• Salsa
• Sour Cream
• Meat
• Guacamole

Directions:

1. Put beans and cheese in tortilla. Meat if you have some.

2. Microwave it. Maybe clean the microwave first. Which we never did when I was in college. I mean, it got pretty rank in that thing. We just forgot! I mean, this was our life: go to class and learn organic chemistry, Brit Lit, sociology. It was intense. And then party like crazy all weekend.

3. That microwave, though. Talk about organic chemistry. Wendy, now my wife, thought my quesadillas were disgusting.

4. Make sure that meat isn’t expired. Trust me.

Barbecue Chicken

Ingredients:

• Cut-up chicken parts (raw)
• Barbecue sauce (any)

Directions:

1. Slather the sauce on there and slap it on the grill.

2. Cook it all the way through. That’s important.

3. Otherwise, boom, back to the health center.

4. And friends who came to visit you before will say they’re getting a little tired of what they call your “pattern.”

5. And things will feel different when you recover and you might not have time to get things back to where you want them to be before it’s too late.

6. And then you’ll just have… life, you know?

7. Everything just goes away so fast.

8. Time flies. We have such little time.

9. Seriously, promise me you’ll cook the hell out of that chicken.

More Advice from Him on Giving Driving Directions to a Woman.

Assume a woman has the same deep knowledge of local landmarks and geography as you.

Deny the existence of digital mapping technology.

Ask whether she is “looking to take S3 or S4,” as if they know what you’re talking about.

Tell her the story about your friend X who lives “up in that area” and can help you if you get completely lost. Give her his number.

On second thought, tell her she should take S7 instead because you saw “some jokers racing on S3 and S4 the other day.”

Notice her tires “could use a little air.”

Point out that back roads are usually her safer bet.

Ask her for details about her car. Like all technical stuff and if she is able to change a flat tire.

Ask whether she is getting regular oil changes. Giggle while you say it.

Tell them about Daniel from your high school who wrapped his BMW around a huge oak tree over by S3.

Mention the extra oil filters you have lying around that happen to be an exact fit for her vehicle.

Insist on changing her oil. Now, don’t giggle. Or do.

Remind her that traffic will be a pain in the ass, and it’ll probably be easier to just stick around for dinner and wait until morning.