*Obviously, this is supposed to be just a funny article. But these days, a disclaimer needs to be added and that it is all LGBTTQQIAAP++++++ friendly, so NOBODY gets offended. So, there it goes:
Sometimes, when I am trying to get dressed, I find myself just staring at my clothes for an hour. I have not a clue as to what I should put on. And it got me thinking: That’s why prison wouldn’t be so bad.
Sometimes I don’t want to be a grown-up. I don’t want to have too many obligations. I don’t want responsibility or deadlines. In prison, I wouldn’t have to make any decisions. Life would be so simple.
It is true that the beds don’t look very comfortable and they only have those wool blankets. They are itchy. Oh, and the lack of privacy with the bathroom situation? I would hate that. Then again, they do have a TV, books and a gym. I would be in excellent shape, probably better than the times I trained for the marathon. They have a fantastic physical-conditioning area and it is outdoors! How refreshing. They call it the “exercise yard”, a yard dedicated to getting fit. You always hear that people in prison are really muscular, but I do not think I would use the exercise yard for that. I would probably have to bring my own towel and workout gloves, but that is the price you pay for absolutely no responsibility.
There is also the fact that the food is free and I always think free food tastes the best. Like when you go to those after-work receptions. The thing with prison food that might worry me is that someone might try to poison a prisoner and I might accidentally get the plate that was meant for the intended victim. That would be bad. But let’s just say I lived through that. Well, then, I could probably live through just about anything! Think what a strong constitution I would have. And probably a new zest for life. What’s so bad about prison? That’s what I wanna know.
I suppose I would probably have to be someone’s bitch. Unless, of course, I got in with the right crowd in the beginning. Still, I am sure I would have to do stuff I wouldn’t want to do, like rub people’s prison feet. Or clean the bathroom with my toothbrush. I get prison movies confused with army movies – they both have “Lights out!” By the way, lights out would be fine with me. I have an itty bitty book light that I could use to read old magazines because I think you only get old magazines or bibles in jail. I wouldn’t have to keep up to date anyway; doing time means not knowing what time or day it is. I doubt I would even wear a watch. The guards tell you when to do everything. To me that is just another prison perk – I would never be late for an appointment. And I would never be early either. I hate getting somewhere too early because I never know what to do with myself. Prison makes so much sense. It seems like I am the only one who has figured this out.
They say your best offence is a great defence, so I would definitely have to be tough in prison. I would probably start smoking again. That’s not good, but it would give me something to trade. I bet I would get a lot more reading done. I would become a lot smarter by catching up on the classics. You know I have never read The Sound and the Fury? Prison would be the perfect opportunity! And I could finally get my Ph.D. in something. I could really make a lot of money when I get out. Also, think about how many great friends I would make. Lifelong friends. I would be sure not to make any friends who were in for petty theft. It would be too hard on me to lose them when they get paroled. If I did make friends who were in for small-time crimes, hopefully, they would be repeat offenders. Then every time they would get released I could look forward to seeing them in the near future.
I wonder if I would have a pen pal? I have a Master’s degree in Linguistics and I know after reading tons of research papers for my thesis that the actual “letter writing” will die out. But now, since I would be in prison I wonder if I would have a pen pal since I love writing so much. A lot of criminals get pen pals. I guess some people love to write letters, but I don’t know anyone who does. I love to get mail (not bills or junk mail – just regular mail), but nobody writes anymore. Prison would be just the ticket to strike up some sort of correspondence. I would compile everything and make a book out of all the letters. I could call it “Letters from Jail.”
What could I do to be sent to prison? I wouldn’t want to hurt anybody, but that would be a surefire way. Who could I kill? Maybe I would just attempt to kill them. How much time would I get for attempting murder? What if it is not enough time to get my Ph.D.?
I could rob a bank, too. Armed robbery with attempted murder…. that’s good. And if I am lucky enough to get away with it, I would have the money from the bank robbery, so I wouldn’t need my PhD. You know what? Now that I think about it, even if I got my Ph.D. I would have to work, and working would mean obligations and responsibilities, so I may as well just go to prison for life.
I would still read all those books. I would be really smart, and I would be less stressed because I wouldn’t have all that pressure about what to wear. Without the stress, I would probably look better too. Although who cares how you look? You are in prison now. In prison, you have nothing to do all day. I suppose you do have to make your bed. But it is a cot. How long could that take – like two minutes? Then you have got another twenty-three hours and fifty-eight minutes of no obligation, no responsibility, and no deadlines – that is, except license plate making, and frankly, that is the easiest job I have ever heard of. Easier than comedy.
Oh man, prison would be sweet. But for now, I am on the outside, and I will just have to deal with it the best I can. It is all I know and probably smarter than going to prison after all.