.SOMETIMES RAW.

When I was seventeen, I joined the Federal German Police; this one in all its seriousness seemed more finite than continuing school or bartending for pocket-money and tips. After I graduated from Police Academy and patrolled the streets of Munich for a couple of years, the days felt meaningless and unending sort of like I signed my life away for this job I was not happy at. A friend told me with exasperation and compassion that, “This is not your whole life. This is just a season in your life. In a couple of years, we will say ‘Remember that weird time you worked for the German Police and you were not happy?'”

My friend was right. It was a season. Just a brief, informative season – just a blink of an eye, that ended up having much more significance than I could have predicted. It did not feel like a season at the time; it felt like the rest of my life. I think that is how most seasons feel while you are living (surviving?) them, and then your surroundings transform just as you are getting settled. The winter – to spring shift is slow but dramatic, bringing with it a change of heart and wardrobe. The fall to winter transition is quick, taking place the very minute Santa comes floating by for Christmas. The end of summer is slower. This time of year is precious to everyone. It belongs to the soft cotton part of your heart that never ages past ten years old. You can smell it – fresh pencil shavings have the same effect on me.

Fall is a grieving period. It just is. It is beautiful when the leaves change magically and they have their own dress code, but it is a season all about loss. Even if you are not sad about seeing summer go, fall is still heartbreaking, especially when the sky is grey, it rains and it starts getting colder. More rain sings through empty branches and leaves litter the ground like dusty garnets, waiting to be stuffed in sad brown garbage bags that sit patiently at the side of the curb.

When I was in my twenties, I heard that this is my time to explore. That this is my time to grow and experiment and push my limits. That if I stumble, it is a great sign and that it means I found my edge. My friend (I keep mentioning him lately on the blog because he has a pretty important place in my life for quite some time) said, “Well, you tried something and it did not work out, but now you know.” This insight has somewhat guided me. I have tried a bunch of jobs – jobs that I never thought I would be good at but I learned so much about myself, my interests, how much I am able to take and hidden abilities. Throughout this time, I have dated people I didn’t think would be good for me but some are still my friends and I talk to them occasionally. I have moved to cities I did not think fit my personality and, for the first time in my life found what feels like home in Ottawa, Canada. Yet, I still don’t have a job but I found a “new family” (I deeply wish my family in Germany would live closer or time-traveling would be a thing!!!!) who give me support, love and help me along my journey.

All too often, I was anxious to feel more settled, to have it figured out, to stop learning lessons or to just reap the benefits of those lessons learned. The most helpful way to get over this anxiety was to think about my life as a collection of seasons, rather than as individual steps. It’s tempting at this age to carry around a mental checklist of “Things an Adult Should Have at this Point” and a monthly report card with markings for each life stage. There were so many times I felt like I was sitting around waiting. So man times I was meandering around with a heavy heart, mourning the loss of a happier season without any idea what would come next, and when. I can see now that those were the seasons of loss, my own personal autumn. For now, I just will surrender to the bittersweet everyday life, getting back to my routine and so does my son. We have each other and deep, unconditional love.

Just a few more weeks and there will be yellow and red leaves everywhere. Then those leaves will fall and we are watching naked branches in harsh winds. Soon, there will be cookies made, our favorite TV shows start over, neatly adding regularity to our weeknight, and giving us something new to discuss. We will eat tacos on Friday and homemade pizza on Saturdays. We will all cuddle up on the couch in the living room with hot chocolate, wine, tea, books, and stories.

After that, we start looking forward to Halloween, then Christmas. What follows is a virtual coziness – a couple of lit candles, huddling indoors, fluffy socks and soft blankets. And before we know it, the crisp smell of snow fills the air reminding us that colder days are ahead for quite some more time before trees and flowers sprouting again. Then we say, “Spring has finally sprung” but does this tiny bud know about the power it possesses?

I went grocery shopping the other day and at the register, the cashier told me that I cannot use my debit card but have to either use cash or my credit card instead. I never believe(d) in credit cards. I am a cash girl, always and forever. I love to have money in my wallet instead of taking out these plastic cards. My friend lost his walled the other day and we realized that it is crazy to get money without these cards.  He had to cancel his cards and order new ones but in the meantime had no access to money. Then again, carrying too much cash is also not the ideal. I remember the time when I was a child and all my parents had in their wallets was actual money. What I am aiming for is to always carry $60 at all times, “just in case”. Other than that my rather very slim wallet contains 89 cents, a debit card, a credit card that I never use and membership card for museums.

I am a student at The Institute of Holistic Nutrition in Ottawa and not a Holistic Nutritionist yet but my life already revolves around food 98% of the time.  Most of my money these days is spend on food for my son and I. He grew a lot and changes; most of his clothes no longer fit and he eats so much. I included some meat in his diet because he craves it. To make him happy and nutritionally satisfied, I rather put the $60 in cash or any money actually toward organic meat and produce than purchasing clothing or anything for myself. Since we have to calculate and live on a very small budget, there is no way I can splurge too much on books, toys for him and personal things for myself. But there is always the library. And secondhand clothing. And local produce. Besides, I see this time of my life as a challenge which I make fun on a daily basis. My son understands that we have to be more considerate with money these days; he understands because he is a smart kid. Thankfully I was never into fancy handbags, clothing, and shoes. I  share how we shop as healthy and nutritionally- dense as possible in one week; I included some recipes with keeping minimalism and a small budget in mind.

Monday

$ 130 for most of the groceries for the week

This is a pretty standard shopping day for me. I go pretty veggie-heavy at Farmboy for example where I purchase local produce with minimal packaging. I also choose two to three proteins that can be stretched throughout the week (like chicken breast, eggs, turkey or ham). 80% of the produce is local which is important to me. I have to calculate our meals and aim to bring the amount of cost per meals per day for both of us down to $10. These days, I eat less so my son can have more.

Tuesday

Simple is key. For lunch, we had tuna sandwiches on buckwheat bread that I made. His favorite bowl of steamed broccoli not depicted. There was a time when we used to go out for dinner all the time even though my fridge was usually full of organic, healthy food that I purchased at Whole Foods. I have to shamefully admit that I was a huge food waster. These days, I try to save eating at a restaurant for the weekend after I used all my groceries I purchased at the beginning of the week.

Wednesday

For breakfast, we had homemade blueberry/banana buckwheat muffins with my mom’s jam. After, we had to run some errands and came home for lunch. I made us a small salad with homemade bread and cheese. Dinner was organic chicken, roasted asparagus, Brussel sprouts, and quinoa.

Thursday

We both had a banana/blueberry/coconut smoothie for breakfast. For lunch, we each had a Mini Mason Jar Greek Salad with a baguette. Mini Mason Jar WHAT? Put oil in a jar (2Tsp), 2 Tsp of Apple Cider Vinegar, 2 Tsp Maple Syrup, Oregano, Salt, Pepper and shake in a mason jar. Then add sliced cucumber, a sliced hardboiled egg, tomato, tuna, black olives, bell pepper, red onion, feta cheese, avocado or whatever else you feel like. Shake again and enjoy.

Friday

Since it is so hot these days, I prefer to eat light. I made an Avocado Salsa and we had Blue Corn Tortilla chips with it. For the Avocado Salsa: Chop tomatoes, bell pepper, cheese, cilantro, add lime, cumin, salt, pepper, a bit of cayenne pepper, oil (these days I use avocado/coconut oil), cilantro, and avocado. Mix it all up in a bowl. I added shrimp as a good protein source.

Saturday/Sunday

We spent the weekend at the cottage and ate “garlicky bites”, enjoying a cold beer and wine (just me obviously and not my son), steak, potatoes, steamed veggies, omelets with fresh veggies, garlic, and bread. Life is always good a the cottage!

I did not list every single thing my son and I ate in a week but keeping track of my spending while writing down most of the meals we had each day was definitely interesting. It made me think where and if I can save more money somehow by making smarter choices. Keeping a food journal is something most nutritionists recommend to clients and it is definitely helpful in the beginning. I also think it is okay if most of my money goes to quality food that nourishes my son and I and supports small farmers.