.SOMETIMES RAW.

There was this time in my life when I worked out every single day. I was into marathons, swimming long distances and going crazy at the gym. That was the time when I quit smoking and ate super healthy. I had this feeling that I have to push myself further and proof to my teacher at the academy that I can run longer distances, do better, be stronger and most importantly push my body to the limit. And I did. I ran every single day and ended up finishing two full and four half marathons within a very short time of preparation. At some point, with all this training, my body sent me some strong signals that I conveniently ignored. My knee started to hurt. Initially, it was not a big deal. Nothing some frozen peas in a bag from the freezer could fix. I had to train after all asking myself why my body just cannot do what I say instead of being so insolent. My body is supposed to listen to me, right?! Wrong!

Well, I did not listen to my body at all and pushed it to the limit. Training was all I was looking forward to the entire day. As soon as the lectures were over at 4 pm, I changed into my running gear. Do not get me wrong, some days sucked and I did not even want to run but I always had this urge to get better and to proof something to someone. I even realized that my gym teacher was amazed but also told me to stop when it hurts. I did not. And this is how it started.

After weeks of knee pain, I could not seem to shake it off anymore. I saw the doctor and was diagnosed with iliotibial band syndrome. This meant she prescribed some anti-inflammatory, told me to avoid any activity and recommended some physical therapy. I realized that the half marathon was just around the corner and I trained so hard for it. Also, this would mean that all my other forms of fitness (yoga, cycling, the gym, swimming etc.) would be on hold. This cannot happen. I trained so hard. I was in physically top condition besides this stupid knee so who cares, I kept running slowly. For someone who exercises six days out of seven and made a habit out of this exercising routine, a knee cannot stop me, right?!

At some point, my knee hurt so badly that I did not see exercising at this level as an enjoyable health benefit anymore. I knew I had to stop. My doctor told me that if I do not stop I would need knee surgery for sure. My knee was so swollen that I could hardly walk and honestly when I finally stopped running, it felt like a relief and I finally realized and woke up. The pain was excruciating at this point. So I rested and reflected. Why did I let my knee get to this stage? Why did I push myself to a limit that nobody but my myself set?

So, I rested. It was weird but I relished setting my alarm an hour and a half later than I normally would every single morning. I loved my morning runs usually more than the afternoon ones. Getting this done in the morning made me feel accomplished, happy and satisfied for the whole day. I enjoyed having time in the afternoon for errands or to squeeze in a session at the gym instead of running. So now what the f*** is going on with me? I am continuously resting instead of pushing my body to this intangible limit every single day with no end in sight like a dumb hamster on a wheel because I feel guilty. Because I still feel I have to prove it to my teacher.

You know what I learned? There is no teacher who gives a f*** about me, about my health, about my life or anything like that. It was all in my head. I thought I have to prove to him that I am the best. That I can run faster and better than anybody else. I did not want this knee surgery to happen so I started to create a fitness routine of not having a fitness routine. I also knew that my life as a professional “rester and chiller-on-the-bed” was temporary. It would only last as long as until my knee was fully functional again and I will give it the time to rest and recover. I started working out slowly when after the pain started to dissipate after four months and 10 kg gained. However, there was this weird feeling about starting to run again and my overall relationship with exercise. I realized that I worked out and treated my body badly and pushed it to a limit; a limit that will get me nowhere in the long run. There still was this critical relationship with exercising that threw me in a weird stage. I tried to think of a time when I and my body felt really healthy and came up blank. I remember I always had this feeling that I have to satisfy or proof something to someone. My parents, my gym teacher in High School or in Police Academy. There was always this ingrained messaging that I believe now, wasn’t even there in all those years. All I really wanted to hear was that I am okay, just the way I am without pushing my already hurt body to another level.

Yet, there was my own frustration. Exercising for me has the potential to feel and be really wonderful, enriching, powerful and life-affirming in some way. I love this feeling to bend, run, twist, how I sweat during hot yoga, move around with my son in the park and be able to do all these things freely without pain. When someone told me they ran some particular marathon in under 3 hours I was jealous because I felt so far from achieving this perspective for myself. Then again, I also thought that it is possible to get back into it all and that it is all possible. That I simply have to listen to my body and give it time to heal properly since it took me this self-inflicted injury to come to grips with the fact that the fitness path I was hurtling down for so long was hurting me instead of helping me. So, now I am taking it easy but bringing my mental equation into it all in the first place feels like a good start. And watching South Park here and there with supper that includes sautéed shrimp.

My love, 

I listened to the news this morning by mistake. I rarely do and it hurt me to realize that the world has gotten even fuller of pressure to pretend than ever. Everybody is on social media and pretends to post their happy life by adding perfectly poised pictures and more empty invitations into an unrealistic yet seemingly idealistic life. While you play with the snails, listen to me. 

It is all empty. Life is empty unless you give it meaning. No one ever has or has had a perfect life. Everyone struggles, everyone has pain and is lonely here and there. I saw this today when I visited your great-grandparents. They are struggling and suffering every single day but keep moving forward despite the pain they feel. Yet, everyone wrestles with anger and feels insecure at certain points. Actually, there is no ticket out of all this. I have tried many options but it simply ended in anger and I lost the joy in the process. Nothing is ever enough. No friend you can have, no gadgets you will buy that will ever be enough. You will always compare and the comparison is a stealer of joy which is a stealer of the gift of you-you, in all your uniqueness. 

So, how does mom deal with all this insanity? Mommy buys and eats a lot of healthy food but also a lot of chocolate. Or she buys a new pair of jeans or gets a haircut for $5. I love to be distracted by something fun than dealing with my own troubling thoughts all the time. Doing all this could be helpful but it can never be everything. You know when the most healing comes? When I share all my struggles and tell the truth to someone who is worth listening, understanding and hearing it all. Most of the time, the person who really needs to hear the truth first is me, however. You know what my self-preservation of choice is? Denial that all that happened did not happen. That everything is exactly as it was before I found out. When we were not perfect but together and had the option to change things. 

One thing I have learned so far is that I would rather walk in my truth than pretend and feel alone. Telling and knowing the truth is important and makes me feel so much better. It is a breath of fresh air even though certain doors are closing. At least it is honest. Remember when I told you that the braves ones, the ones worthy of our admiration are those who walk through life authentically and honest? These braves ones are out there. Trust me. They are. You know how you will find out? Because they are nice and by their honesty and kindness which makes them so attractive rather than constantly pretending, being arrogant or cocky and getting nothing accomplished. The former also will have grace for you and most importantly grace for themselves. 

My love, you know what is the loneliest of professions? Pretending. When I was young I tried to look like some girls in these dumb magazines imagining my thighs narrow and my cheekbones well defined and covered in make-up. I thought everyone will like me or that I would even like myself and be more confident. Guess what, my love? It is not true. Pretending is the most lonesome or desolate professions and gets you nowhere. Please do not pretend that there is no struggle and do not pretend that you always know what you are doing because nobody ever does. Also, keep in mind, there is nobody to impress. It may seem like it, but believe me, there is not. You know what? Sometimes those people we think who have everything they ever want in their life are actually the loneliest and saddest. 

Keep in mind my love that you never have to be anyone other than you. Period. It is okay to be grumpy, to not finish your homework and to have messy hair that does not look like Paw Patrol’s Ryder’s hair. It is okay to be excited for no apparent reason. I am the same way. You are allowed to need help because we ALL need help sometimes. You are also allowed to be loud, you are allowed to be quiet and most importantly you are allowed to be you. You do not need anybody’s permission to be you. 

Today, when we were at the movie theater I thought that your little grumpiness before we left was met by my grumpiness because I was so tired and jet lagged. Sometimes I react wrongly to your excitement. My love, I will not always get it right but that does not mean you are getting it wrong. All I am doing is to just figure it all out and to apologize when I realize I messed up. But you know what? I would rather be messy with you every day for the rest of my life than to spend one single day pretending or without you. I would rather make mistakes and then apologize; I would rather love hard and strong and most importantly freely than sell myself for a picture of perfection. You know what is continuously walking through life? Joy! Joy is walking through your life and through others who really know you. Your grandparents for example. Since we are here in Germany with your family you especially feel, know and believe that you are truly loved and are enough exactly how and who you are right now today. 

I want you to know and believe this and understand at some point that there is grace enough for you to be you, in your craziness, mess, glory, and uniqueness. I for one will always adore and love you and always will; unconditionally.  

Love, 

Mom

I have been taking courses at The Institute of Holistic Nutrition for two months now and since some readers asked me to share what this is all about and my experience, I would like to give a little update here on the blog.

When I sometimes mention that I am studying holistic nutrition, people either give me the sad, puzzled look of, “poor thing, you cannot eat anything” or they ask me “what can you eat? Is this a raw food diet or vegan?” Well, none of the above. First, I would like to elaborate on the perfectionism around food and what people associate with eating, being healthy, self-love and self-care. I also want to share how to find that balance between to indulge happily for the sake of mental health while at the same time kind of simultaneously being strict about what you eat for physical health.

Studying nutrition does not make me perfect in the sense of I do not eat perfectly 100% of the time. I certainly do allow myself wiggle room once in a while because I think this is really important. That nutritionists eat perfectly all the time is somewhat a misconception people have. I definitely put an emphasis on eating and appreciating good, healthy whole food but the reality is different. We live in the real world. We go out with friends, we socialize, eat and drink wine and beer. I believe allowing yourself this wiggle room is really important which means this is also some type of “food freedom” that we all enjoy. Getting into a dogmatic way of thinking about it takes the joy out of eating delicious, good food.

I learned recently that peanuts are not the best type of nuts to eat since they tend to mold easily; especially when they come in plastic containers. Even though I know this, I love peanut butter once in a while. My options here are to get the “freshly made” type for example at Whole Foods. You know these peanut butter machines: peanuts in, bring your own container, place it below and press the button. This peanut butter tastes so delicious. I want some now.

I drink wine; I love wine. When I spend time camping or at a cottage I roast marshmallows. We have to stop getting rid of the idea to reach perfection, especially when it comes to food. Nothing is ever perfect. The only thing that happens is that we get discouraged, lost and stressed out about it all. What we can do though is, we can find the perfect balance for us. The goal is to be as happy and healthy as I can be – finding a balance for ME (and my son).

One important thing I learned is that there is no diet that applies to everyone and no food that applies to everyone because everyone is so different. We just have to experiment what foods are good for us and which ones are not. For example, when I am constipated all the time, I cannot sleep at night, I am overweight and I have dark circles I may want to consider the way I eat and live.

A couple of tips that work for me are to listen to my body by eating food as an opportunity to listen to my body. To understand what feels best for me, what I digest the best or things that react strangely in my system. Listening to symptoms you may have and then making the necessary shift in your diet is key. I know that a glass of wine or 3 is worth it tonight but I will most likely end up with a headache the next day. You have to ultimately decide if it is all worth it for you; food freedom, remember?

FYI: Alcohol is a diuretic (meaning, it makes you pee a lot) and B Vitamins are water soluble. When you pee a lot you are depleting your B Vitamins. So, to avoid a headache, drink water before and after sleeping, take a Vitamin B1 complex and drink fresh beet juice the next morning since it flushes the liver via increased bile production. Please be aware of recommended doses and amounts of use. I am not held responsible for any crazy side effects that may occur! Please supplement responsibly. 🙂

One more point I would like to add is that we learn how to make healthy alternative food choices without having the feeling of missing out. For example, my son loves Nutella and I let him eat it of course but he also eats the Nutella-version I make (Recipe will follow soon!). I enjoy simple home-cooked meals and I enjoy the preparation. When I learned one thing so far it is that healthy eating is so easy when I keep it simple. I also learned from my friend to just go the store, buy some items that are healthy and seem to go well together and throw them in the pan. Throw in some salad leaves too while using a simple wrist movement. Just create things without following a recipe all the time. There are just so many trends and recipes out there that distract from the simplest dishes. Overall for me, food should be real, whole and simple without a label or expiration date attached to it.

For more information on the school click here or send me an email if you have any questions.

Stay healthy.