.SOMETIMES RAW.

“Above the mountaintops, all is still. Among the treetops you can feel barely a breath:  birds in the forest, stripped of song. Just wait: before long you, too, shall rest” – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 

After a bunch of stressful weeks, I finally found the time to sit down and write. Updating and reflecting on my last post, I finally officially graduated with a Masters in Linguistics and Discourse Studies from Carleton University and enrolled one week after submitting my research essay at the Institute of Holistic Nutrition to become a Holistic Nutritionist. Crazy? Maybe. Interesting, hellz yes! I dedicated this diploma to myself, to learn more about my body, nutrition, anatomy and so much more and actually see the bigger picture behind it all since this is my body, my life, and my health. Was it scary to enroll in a Biochemistry class for a whole semester? Of course. Since maths, statistics, calculations, and whatnot are not my thing I thought I will struggle a lot but I realized again, that I can do whatever I put my mind to and what I want to accomplish.

We all have our stresses: fear, anxiety, discomfort and so much more. I put my body through a lot of stress in the last couple of months and regret it since I really do love myself. Messing with my health, mood, motivation, and productivity was not a smart thing to do but for some strange reason, I accomplished everything I wanted to nonethesless. This makes me realize again how amazing the human body is, what we can take and keep moving forward even though we might go through a hard time. I also understood that most of the “problems” I thought I had are just simple dilemmas that caused anxiety and many sleepless nights. I realized that I cannot change the circumstances but I can always change my mindset. Worrying about things I cannot change or do anything about is useless. Some situations are uncomfortable but that’s where growth comes in.

I thought I loved my comfort zone and all the things I took for granted. Or assumptions of certain scenarios that I took for granted and thought they may be guaranteed to work out to be good and will then be polished by myself to perfection. Well, life doesn’t work like that. Life threw curveballs at me once again.

So whatever I have been through for the last couple of months, I learned and grew from it. Right now, I am working on self-improvement, career trajectories and possibilities to stay and work here in Canada since I do like this country for many reasons. I resigned from my previous job and it is all about taking risks at this point; however, I love what I am doing and I am truly passionate about it for the first time in my life. Of course, I know that it is all terrifying and taking risks like this may not result in what I hope for but this uncertainty is part of the bigger picture and makes life interesting in the long run.

These days, my priorities are not revealed too much in words (even though I missed writing on my blog immensely). They shown my actions and those actions then again challanged by my busy schedule. I learned that fear held me back from a bunch of things I really wanted to do for a long time and then I realized that this particular fear is not going anywhere but that I must create the life I wish to create even though it won’t be easy. Life is too short to be in any situation I do not want to be in and it seems to be even shorter when I spend it with people I do not want to be around with.

There are always blank pages to write a new chapter (“Faster than the speed of love”). Those last couple of months taught me that the most important person in need of/to love is myself. The thoughts I previously had, “Maybe I am not good enough, maybe I have to give 200%, maybe I have to be different or maybe, maybe, maybe…” did not get me anywhere but to the conclusion that I may have loved the wrong person. Love (and yes, I tried to erase it from my vocabulary), is something I share because I have it and want to share it; not something I give desperately because someone needs it. The first person on the list is ME and nobody else and I am recapturing my self-dignity and worth by putting myself in the situation I deserve to be in.

We are taught through open source media that falling in love is everything. This is the ultimate goal. There are chemicals in our brain that show that love acts literally like a drug. We meet someone new, become hooked and try to dedicate our lives to that person in the desperate hope of getting another dose of this addictive love drug. Unless we break the habit. The problem here is that I forgot throughout it all that people you truly loved can let you down hard. They can love someone else in a heartbeat for example. I may have made some persons top priority in my life to some extent and in the meantime, I am already all low on their lists. Honestly, this is the ugly side of love I do not want to explore any further.

Is there a solution to this never-ending problem? How about if I find a person who loves me unconditionally ( I also tried to erase this word from my vocabulary) and will never let me down. This person I have to love before I can love anybody else and this person is me. I am more than good enough. I am thinking here that I cannot accept true love (if this even exists) if I don’t love myself first. How can I give my heart to someone else if I don’t love my own heart in the first place?  I just accept all the flaws that make me myself because at the end of the day, when I strip everything away I only have one thing left: myself!

Reflecting on Goethe and his poem:

Getting to know myself better I have to say that early this morning when the cold hit me hard upon opening the door I had a thought: I am not a morning person at all even though I am trying to get my morning run in early.  Seeing all the birds outside at the neighbor’s bird feeder made me realize that birds are the worst. What’s with their exaggerated historical appointment as being productive, pre-punctual somewhat “role-models” which is completely unwarranted. I can totally understand to wake up for an awesome omelet and coffee but not for worms. For some reason, birds do get a lot done though.

Really? Sometimes, things change. 

Il faudrait traverser un universe lyrique

Comme on traverse un corps qu’on a beaucoup aimé

Il faudrait réveiller les puissances opprimées

La soif d’éternité, douteuse et pathétique” – Michel Houellebecq

Getting knocked down in life is hard but it is important to get back up and keep moving on. The biggest battle I fight is with myself. I learned that I have to let go and that certain people are not meant to be in my life since they just create pain. I learned that I have to stop feeding myself bad thoughts. I learned that I do not need more evidence. I learned that I have to let go and overcome doubt, fear, negative thoughts and excuses. I learned that I have to be selfish at this point since this is my life, my decisions, and actions that count while of course allowing others to do their own thing. I learned that the fewer expectations I have, the better off I am (e.g. no more waiting for a bit of acknowledgment or encouraging sweet words). I learned that trying harder, yet still not doing enough in some person’s eyes, means I am with the wrong persons. 

I know that instead of trying to find that “perfect”, right person for myself, I rather focus on becoming exactly this person. I know that being around people who I actually do not want to be around with is just a waste of time. There is limited room in everyone’s life and I know that I am the one who allows who can and cannot take up space in my life. I know that I choose the things I focus on and if this entails cutting off toxic relationships, then so be it. Most importantly, I am being honest with myself. No lies because lies suck and do not get me anywhere. I create the life I want by deleting things that I do not enjoy anymore. 

“To attain knowledge, add things every day. To attain wisdom, remove things every day.” – Lao Tzu

I know that I don’t care anymore what “others” think of me and my situation since I realized how rare and little they did and do in the first place. I know that judgements are really just reflections of us. I know that it is an awesome feeling to surround myself with people who encourage me to be the person I want to be. I know I am most impressed by people who try not to impress me, or are simply “good guys” since those are the ones that really matter. I know that when things were the most difficult in my life, those friends reminded me to see the opportunities rather than just the challenges. 

I learned that losing someone who I thought was special in my life felt like this person ripped out a huge chunk of me. I learned that I felt naked, like a turtle without its shell thinking that a certain amount of time building things with that person simply no longer exists and disappeared. I learned that emotionally I felt like I am losing it and this incredible emptiness like being jolted out of a familiar place that I created for myself. I learned that once the emotions were exhausted (they just got tired of being up all night and so did I), room for logic appeared and I rather pondered on those thoughts. I learned that I do not need anybody to tell me how I should feel, act or what I should believe (e.g. “wipe away those tears and give 200% to make this work” or “you need sun”). I learned that I do not need someone to tell me what my purpose is. I give my life purpose without looking for an easy road because there is none. Monotony was never my things. 

“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.” – Dr. Seuss

I learned to paint my picture the way I want it to be painted since this life is my canvas and nobody but I holds the brush. I learned that the words love and unconditional mean nothing to me anymore since the love I thought I was seeking was loaded with conditions. I learned that independence is salient (there is that smart word again) and dependencies are unhealthy. I learned that other people can exploit my need for affection and love for their own benefit. I learned that I cannot hold this against them but I can stay away from such people. I learned that the strongest don’t survive but rather the most adaptable. I did not learn but have been reminded by my body that health is the most important thing in my life and messing around with it is not good. I learned that whatever I have to go through in life, I just have to deal with it but most importantly learn and grow from it. 

I know life is not fair. Never was, never will be. But I am building this strong, solid relationship with myself while paving my own road with less traffic. 

At some point in my life, I thought, the Paleo Diet is the thing but I did not last longer than one week. The initial concept is okay; to detox from sugar but I just cannot eat meat in some form every single day or every other day. My son and I eat meat maybe once a week in form of chicken or chicken stock in a soup. I had a crazy amount of energy which was awesome; I blame the tons of veggies for that rather than the meat. The diet is also pretty expensive. All the meat…and I like pasta, so I quit. 

The diet that stuck with me for the longest is probably veganism, yet I do not practice it 100% either. I don’t eat soy products simply because I don’t like the taste of it. Soy products made me feel the worst physically. I tried all types of tofu in all sort of variations but c’mon: SOY CHICKEN or Cashew Cheese? How can I use this in a French Onion Soup? Right! Not at all. Vegan Chicken Wings? Buffalo Cauliflower? Zucchini pasta is okay but not always. On the socially fancy side, this diet is great. I went out, flipped my hair and asked for a “soy latte” or if they have “alternatives and vegan options”. [So annoying, I know.] This diet is not cheap either. 

I tried Gluten-free. Fuck it. Nothing needs to be added here. 

So this is what I am sticking with: Intermittent Fasting. How I apply it to myself is that I just don’t eat for about 16 hours straight three times a week. The awesome thing is, that I can enjoy my French Onion Soup or the occasional muffin and chocolate. I just give my organs rest and this feels so good. I usually eat supper at around 6 pm and then nothing anymore for 16 hours. Breakfast at around 10 am doesn’t sound so too bad, does it? And be aware, I don’t do this every single day. By practicing this diet overnight, I don’t run around like a sad, weak, hungry version of myself and I can still enjoy all this good food that is out there. We only live once, right? And, honestly, whenever I have two or three slices of pizza for supper, I am not hungry at all the next morning so I skip breakfast and have something later. 

Food for thought: Overall, I learned that no diet changed my life so far and I love to eat and enjoy trying new things. I realized that a good night’s sleep combined with the intermitted fasting makes me feel good on a daily basis.  I also love and want wine and Camembert. And dark chocolate.