.SOMETIMES RAW.

One of the questions I get asked most is how I raise my son alone without losing my mind. Big topic! Through trial and error, I have learned some things over the last couple of months that I would like to share. Things that are important to me to raise a kind, loving child while staying sane. My son thinks that I have superpowers because I am a mommy and daddy in one person. He is damn right.

Talk about things honestly and openly. Whenever it comes to big subjects, like divorce, race, sex, and death, I try to be a soft landing place for him, so he can feel like he can bring up anything that is on his mind. I found that bedtime is especially good for this because when it is dark and cozy, my son seems to feel more comfortable opening up.

I encourage him to help. I have to admit, one of my pet peeves is whenever I am at a party, and all the women jump up to clean the dishes after dinner and men just sit around, chill and don’t help. This drives me nuts. So, from a young age, I have asked my son to bring his dishes in the kitchen. I made sure to tell him that it is nobody’s job to clean up after him and that kids can also help; especially since it is mostly just the two of us. Dinner is special to us and we sit together, talk to each other (definitely no phone or gadgets at the table!) and share how our day was, how we feel/felt, what was the best or the worst of the day. When he is done eating, he asks if he can leave the table and takes his dishes to the kitchen. Then he goes off to play before we watch somethign together or I read to him.

Model empathy. “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a (hard) battle!” Do you know that quote? Well, I install that concept in my son. The other day, for example, there was a woman at the register who was very grouchy to the customers for a while. Instead of telling my son that this is a rude person or that I don’t like her, I would say that she probably has a pretty rough week or maybe she is very tired. Then he sees her still as a complex human, who is probably very sweet underneath but maybe just needs compassion or a break. If someone never calls him, then this person is probably just very busy but not an asshole.

Accept him wholeheartedly. Whatever crazy idea he may come up with, I embrace it with open arms. My son has great imagination and when he wanted to wear his Halloween costume to school, it was fine with me. Vienna is not crazy about Halloween and Trick or Treating is not a thing, so we made it fun this way. I love seeing his personality develop and feel grateful to be his mom; even if some days are really challenging.

Teach him consent. It is important to teach him that he is in charge of his body and how to respect himself. If he wants privacy when getting dressed or taking a bath, I respect that. When he does not want to kiss someone goodbye, that is fine, too. If he does not want to hug or play with someone, it is his decision. I teach him that there are different ways to say no than just saying no. I teach him to notice social cues and people’s body language by for example telling that, “Her face looks upset. You have to stop this, please!”

Teach him modesty. I love a minimalist lifestyle so he sees what I purchase on a daily basis. He knows my emphasis is not clothes, shoes, makeup or any materialistic things but that I basically buy (healthy) food, books and spend my time outdoors (which is free), in museums, bookstores, at the local pool or a Yoga studio. He knows that our financial situation is not great these days and also why that is. Of course, he is a child and wants certain toys because all his friends have them and I understand that. I make sacrifices on other ends, to make it happen sometimes. He definitely does not like Meccano or Lego Tech because he is only six-years-old but someone very important in my life helped him build it.

Always read great books. I am a writer and my son knows that. He is proud that I published two books already and write and read all the time. You want to raise a reader, be a reader. Visit your local library. There are so many amazing children’s books; we are currently exploring all the bookstores in Vienna. My son loves it and gets lost in science, spooky, adventurous, funny and sometimes nerdy books. We have a rather big book collection at home and I think it is important to have this diverse group of books. Books are always a conversation starter and they keep his mind growing. Reading rituals don’t just happen at night either.

Single Parenting and I Have a Life, too.

Single-parenting: Being off duty feels awesome. When my son is in school (and currently I am not working), I choose to spend every moment discovering Vienna. It is so essential and important to have a healthy (work)/single-parenting balance. The hustle is fun sometimes but I also need to live my own life. So, I created space for myself and unapologetically celebrate this very concept. Do you want some inspiration on how I spend my days when I am “free” or off-duty?

Coffee, books, reading. Or, I will go to a museum and have a nice leisurely lunch alone or with a friend. I read or write at home or at my favorite bookstore/cafe/restaurant. I will go to the movies at 1 pm. The other day I saw “A rainy day in New York” by Woody Allen (whom I love), accompanied by a bag of salty popcorn. I like to do something nice for myself, like a massage, a session with a Reiki healer, swimming or a Yoga class. I will have some quiet time and do nothing but drink a cup of tea at home on the couch. Some days are all about recharging; I love to be at home. I like to sleep in on weekends. Grab brunch with a good friend, and hit some local vintage stores after. Sitting in the sun/walking around (even in the rain) followed by a trip to the farmers market to buy fresh vegetables and flowers. Or having dinner cooked by someone in my kitchen while I have a glass of wine and watch.

The next time you find yourself at a crossroads, try one of my single-parenting survival methods. There is no pressure in what we, as mothers, have to do. Just try to keep sane througout it all. Realizing this felt like such a relief.

“As different as my friends may be, to me, friendship is to feel safe with someone.” – Amy Fuller

I had a conversation with a friend about relationships, marriages, and male/female friendships and if this is a thing because it is sort of one decidedly divided topics in our “this or that” society. Is trusting our significant other if they go out with a girlfriend/boyfriend the same as if someone says they don’t eat cake? Can we trust a person who doesn’t eat cake? Obviously, I am kidding about cake (I am really not, though), but it is always surprising to see the differences in opinions and mannerisms, especially when dealing with matters of gender. So, the question: Can men and women really just be friends? Is that a thing?

Usually, when popping a question like this, there are the emphatic yes’s, hard no’s, and bouts of yelling when the person is clearly upset. It is difficult to find someone who has never had romantic feelings for a friend, have had a friend have romantic feelings for them, or had a “just friends” relationship turned into an affair. Of course, this is not the case with every friendship. Realistically, there is no definite answer and saying this seems like taking the easy way out. Usually, asking any human if they think men and women can just be friends, their reaction will be based on their own experiences. My take on all this is that men and women can exist as platonic friends, but the key is that they both have to want it. They both have to respect perpetual boundaries and draw lines in the sand, as well as each others’ partners without crossing any emotional or physical intimacy lines. There has to be some sort of agreement I guess.

The issue is that sometimes the lines can cross. We are human and will never feel the exact same way about a person over time. Things change. Situations change. In my opinion, the longer a friendship lasts, the higher the chance those lines in the sand are wiped away. I believe with age our friendship circles begin to dwindle so that only the truly fortified relationships remain. And our friends are more trusted and highly regarded. With this trust, we are able to share more intimate knowledge without feeling as though a boundary has been crossed. As far as physical boundaries, there may be a higher chance of being crossed earlier on because in said “early friendship” you don’t have much to lose by going for it.

When you had a negative experience with men and women existing as friends, it will obviously always be difficult to form an unbiased opinion. To me, it is a “maybe” because character traits are never one-size-fits-all, and neither are friendships, no matter what they look like at the moment. What feels normal for A doesn’t necessarily feel normal for B.

To me, friendship always comes first and then a relationship may develop over time. To me, friendship is about making each other comfortable, protecting and celebrating each other. It means safety and ease and that at times I can feel like I/we don’t have to do anything. We can just make an event out of spending time together. Sitting in the kitchen talking, no pressure- just chilling and no fancy dinner involved.

This is what I desire in a friend/relationship:

Candour: Some of my friendships run pretty deep and I take them seriously. What I love about those small amount of friends, and how they differ from anybody else is how candid and raw I can be. There is no limit to what I talk about, or how much of myself I reveal.

Depth: There is a difference between a friendly conversation and a real conversation. For true friendship, people need to be current in my life. There are also there to champion me, to give advice and one of the greatest underpinnings of those friendships is that they want to see me succeed. Real friends simply should be interested in my life and what I am up to (maybe read my blog, talk about my books, etc. This is what I would do, too.)

Quality Time: With social media, it is easy to call someone my friend. I know that there is still nothing better than spending time with someone in real life. I honestly interact with all (92) my Facebook friends.

Trust/Listening/Sharing: A true friend is going to give me an honest opinion, and because I trust them, there is a certain level of comfort with that honesty. I am able to be myself and vulnerable and know they will be, too.

The real friends: I can meet those after even a long period of time has passed and we can pick up right where we left off. Those are probably the most important friendships I have because there is something between me and them that is strong enough to withstand the time or distance passed. I desire those friendships that see me through different phases in my life.

Seeing the person as they are: Friendship means providing support and love for who the person truly is and not who I think they are or I want them to be. Everyone has their flaws and I would rather see the them than an idealized version of me.

In the end, communication is key but the goal is to listen to yourself.

“Does this all make sense,” I asked myself the other day. Why are certain things in life so complicated and take so much time? Is it a “patience-test”? I cannot say I have always done the most sensible thing, made the safest choices or kept quiet until I was sure of what I had to say. However, usually, I am very German when it comes to those things. I prefer Pro and Con lists and to write things down, mentally or on paper, before I speak them out loud. I am the unwitting architect of my life and these days I build it like a swaddle, some sort of blanket wound firmly around the decisions I have made. A perfect mold for the person I thought I would always be. For myself and my son. I build this protection to hold me still, to keep my feet planted exactly where I am. I build it to weather change, to withstand all the external uncertainties that might seep through and drown my sense of stability and certainty.

I am strong. I got this. That is why I never expected a leak to come from the inside. It caught me by surprise. Suddenly, the other day, I found myself underwater. Thrown in a new situation where things seem more complicated than I anticipated and expected. Everything that seemed nice and colorful now looks blurry, like if I am missing something even though I haven’t lost anything. Like I need something even though I have everything I need like no one “gets” me even though I am surrounded by people who know me. A lot has changed recently and I have to adjust and so does my son. Things go smoothly but the next day they don’t. I feel I am different and new pieces of the puzzle have started to crystallize. I am also reading A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. Not an easy read I have to admit but mindblowing.

I have also experienced this frustration that certain people do not listen to what I have to say, do not want to understand and make things very complicated. They don’t ask the questions necessary and won’t help me in a seemingly never-ending process. It occurred to me that I was the one who had fanned out the clues to a new self, only to hold them against my chest again like a cryptic deck of cards. I have this urgency to put words to it all here but it is all stuck like a lozenge in my throat even though I desperately need air to breathe.

I guess we repeat stories about ourselves to make sense of our wolds. The stories I have told myself so far is, that I am a good person. I do the right things for my son and I. I do take risks (a pretty high risk moving to Vienna), I am a good daughter, an uncomplicated girlfriend, I am overall a happy person but these days the shape of my future is not obvious and not in my hand. And I hate this. I sound strangely discordant now, as if out of tune with my current self. I want to feel understood. I want decisions to be made. I want security and safety in my life but I have built this new situation (or fort) to hold me still. And my son. To face what will happen next. And to give him security; the security he needs.

My mind clamours to dismiss the suspicion. We most likely won’t have health insurance by the end of the month which is a scary thought or is it nothing more than a passing whiff of the classic late-thirty identity crisis trope? However, it is not just about me alone anymore. There is this little guy who keeps following me around for the past six years. There are days when I duck my head and cover my ears and wait for it to blow over so I can wrap myself back inside the life that used to fit me so comfortably. That would certainly be easier, but my body slowly knows the truth, pricking tears into the corner of my eyes whenever another curveball hits me. Some days I spike with adrenaline every time I probe a little further while vibrating with an unbearable hunger to have someone hold my deck of cards in their hands and nod, gently, in recognition. Someone who takes this ship safely to the next harbor.

I always keep things together while asking myself how sometimes. I built this new life for us to keep my feet planted exactly where I am. My new fort is solid, holds me still and makes this new life seem strong even though there are tiny cracks in the wall. And yet, as uncertain and confusing as it all seems, as disorienting as it feels, a curious thrill pulses in my chest. With a thud, it tells me I cannot unknow what I know now. I cannot change people and how they act. But I can give myself permission to chase growth and stability. “Everything will be fine”, I told my son while we strolled down the path looking for flowers.