.SOMETIMES RAW.

“He who has no house will not build one now. He who is alone will be alone for some time. Will be wakeful, will read, will write long letters and will wander restlessly along the lanes when the leaves fall.” – Rainer Maria Rilke (originally in German “Herbsttag”)

I had a discussion about “husband” with a friend the other day. She told me that it felt odd to be married. What is a husband, anyway? As the author André Alex questions: is it someone with whom you have a relationship, a relationship that evolves because time passes and one changes? I would answer: Certainly. But in some way, I could say the same thing about a house or a dog, even (if only instinctively), I feel that a husband is more than a house or more than a dog. So my question is: Is a husband desire or love? Desire and love are way too inconstant to make anything at all, right?! I mean it in the sense that today, for example, my version of love and desire may include my husband, but tomorrow it may not. The next day they will, and then they will not. She did not want to continue the conversation further and switched to “Valentine’s Day” and what to buy for her husband.

“Then things become all at once strange”– Margaret Laurence, The Diviners

Valentine’s Day. 

Today, I had the most amazing dinner-date at a local Italian restaurant with my five-year-old son whom I love so much. As far as relationships, I believe, a partner does not need to be a constant presence, a shadow, or a version of myself but rather an equal, not an idea, a nuisance or habit to fix or constantly nourish (a project), but rather someone who can challenge me on an intellectual level, a shoulder to lean on, someone who has no fear of change, has confidence, spontaneously invites me to a romantic dinner, has good and not only one-sided conversations with me, plans a fancy night out but is also comfortable talking on the couch with a cup of tea, has good emotional intelligence, has a sense of self awareness, someone who can make me laugh and has similar goals and dreams, invites to spontaneous bookstore dates and at the bookstore comes up with the idea to pick a book for each other – that element of serendipity and then we go out for dinner to talk about all things bookish. Someone who is curious and is willing to read aloud to me (especially when I cannot sleep). The basics. In my head, a couple is made up of two opposites, centered around some passion and attraction that mystery causes. Both are curious about and drawn to each other because of their dissimilarities to ourselves. In a healthy relationship, I am fascinated by my counterpart, and I can learn a lot by spending time together. If I do not feel this, I have to move on. Firstly and more important, however, is self-love and the relationship I have with myself before I can fully open up to someone else.

In addition, it is important to learn to argue properly. We all get annoyed and stressed out from time to time. We can be nagging, grumpy, irritated, stressed out or all of the above simultaneously. No couple is perfect, even if some try to make us believe it by posting “happy couple” pictures on Facebook or Instagram. The key is to argue in style with no tension left afterward. No name-calling, no dishes throwing. I want to add to also be apologizing and forgiving. This way it is easy to move on. The air is clean. Overall, having the same rhythm is more important than I often realized. Going to the gym together, or climbing, or jogging. Having the same sleep/read cycle or how both get inspired by the same author. Whatever it may be for you; just feel the same beat. And if you don’t, then sometimes leaving is the only reasonable thing to do and to give energy to relationships that are deserving of it instead of draining.

I celebrate Valentine’s Day every day so this day has no significance to me. But it is 9.45 pm on the actual Valentine’s Day and if you are freaking out because you do not have anything for the love of your life or you forgot this day altogether, I have some emergency tips for you to make up for it tomorrow. (Him/Her = Them)

Take them for a long walk to reconnect. Look at things together. Go to a museum. Talk. Laugh. Get coffee or tea. Surprise them with a little gift just because it is NOT Valentine’s Day anymore. Read together or to each other. Suggest and start a project together, i.e. train for the half-marathon or any other adventure. Sit them down on the kitchen counter. Pour them a glass of wine and kiss. Put on some Jazz. Cook dinner. Repeat every two weeks. SHOW them you love them. Telling is not enough. Give them a “Sunday”: A whole day carefully planned, no kid(s), Spa, brunch, wine and a movie at night on the couch. Be generous: with money, with matters of the heart and with time. Conquer the world together.

Or alone.

“We are all just walking each other home.” —  Ram Dass

Oh’ Canada and your insane freezing cold. The other day, my son and I walked to school and avoided frost bites in our face with ski masks and scarves. “You have to embrace the cold, ” the crossing guard said. Very reassuring. Today it was not as cold but we fought our way through tons of snow. This nebulous nature of winter is very pressing and adds to my overall moodiness, anxiety, and sadness. Worries about my seemingly stagnant career bother to the point that not even a lavender oil bath or a massage can make me feel better. Overall fears are gnawing and real to the point that I do not even know if what I am doing here is right and that the decision to move to Canada in the first place was rather rash, impetuous or altogether wrong. There is for some reason this growing feeling and certainty that I made some really dumb decisions in my life.

Thoughts that I have not landed my dream job or have a job at all in this country popped up. I have not bought a house and even my previous relationships seem like things another version of me did. A version saying, “Yeah, sure I understand the serious implications of attaching myself to this person even though alarm bells are ringing. I can make this work though!”

Today, on our way to Kindergarten, we walked through masses of snow and then the strangest thing happened. Joel ran ahead to catch up with his friend and they chatted about a tree house they want to build in spring. I let my thoughts wander; I am thinking a lot these days.

My family in Germany is going through a pretty rough time. There will be a double-funeral next week. One grandfather passed away on Tuesday this week, the other one today and out of the blue, I remembered something a friend of mine told me a long time ago: “I am not scared of death because once I am dead, I don’t feel anything. I am just not here anymore.” When my mother described how her father took his last breaths and what she told him, I started to cry. She simply told him that it is okay for him to leave, that everything is fine, that he is safe and can meet my other grandfather on the way so they can leave together. With these words, he opened his eyes one more time, took three slow breaths and died. My mom and grandmother held his hand which was still warm for a while after. I felt like I stood over a precipice looking down when my mother and father told me that my grandfather passed away. He is not here anymore. And this is somewhat scary to me. Where is he? Just nowhere? Just nothing? It is over? Is he flying on a cloud in heaven as I tell my son he is? Even though it was expected, it is very sad for everyone. My mind is wrapped around death for the last couple of weeks and these cold, gloomy winter days are not helping.

I know death will also happen to me. Hopefully not today or in the next months, but it WILL happen. I have seen many dead people before when I was a Police Officer but when family members die it is so different. Before, I knew that I will die at some point but I was also ignoring the whole thing by not giving it too much attention. When I was in my twenties, I certainly did not think about death. I thought about a career, traveling and such. I subsequently figured that many awesome things happen before I die and that I don’t have to worry about it because it is so far away.

Recently, a friend of mine struggled with cancer which instantly began to challenge my cool-headedness because I related to her. She passed away shortly after being diagnosed and left a 5-year-old son and husband behind. This made me start to grapple with my own mortality. I do not feel invincible as I used to in my twenties. This friend also told me that I should listen to life advice from people in their 80s and 90s because they are staring death in the face for years. About two years ago, I had a conversation with my grandparents about a school assignment I was struggling with. I told them that I just cannot get through some assignment because it is so much work and sometimes wish my life is over so I don’t have to do this stupid work anymore. “Never wish away your life,” my grandfather told me quietly while shaking his head. Back then I struggled to understand and wondered why he got rather upset but now I see what he meant and I am starting to grasp his point. Soak it all up, even the hard things. I am still alive. He is not.

So how can I move forward without freaking out about death and dying? It works for me when I simply reframe things so that I see life instead of death. Barbara Ehrenreich in Natural Causes writes: “You can think of death bitterly or with resignation, as a tragic interruption of your life, and take every possible measure to postpone it. Or, more realistically, you can think of life as an interruption of an eternity of personal nonexistence, and see it as a brief opportinty to observe and interact with the living, ever-surprising world around us.”

My family is incredibly strong and I love them. Our close relationship grounds me. They listen, understand and give me an anchor that holds me to the present, that keeps me from floating away on thoughts of an unknown future. Even though my world has changed I am not afraid. I am loved. They are alive.
 

At this very moment, I am here. Sitting on my carpet in the living room typing along. It is dark outside, and very cold. It is just another day and night and I did what I needed to do. I got things done all day long while the day moved forward into this continuous sequence of actions, job applications, emails, and checklists. My brain and mind never stop analyzing. But today, I paused and took a good look at my surroundings. These scenes of my everyday life that came to a blur of an all-too-familiar film and I cannot help but wonder if there is more to it all. For some reason, this country, this city, this neighborhood and this particular street served me well so far but I am stuck. Nothing seems to move forward for a couple of months now. I am sending out job applications every day and I even started to think of all the other places in the world I could be and work at. It didn’t help that it was – 31 degrees Celsius (with windchills) in Ottawa today. Somewhere more exciting, warmer, newer, somewhere that can provide new experiences, challenges, and adventures that are foreign to me. Theoretically, the world is my playground but I have to be responsible for a small human being who depends on me and sort of follows me for five years now. #heisthebestever

Isn’t traveling usually what we look for when we feel the automation of life? This routine of waking up, getting ready for work, eating the same sad lunch in the cafeteria, sitting in boring meetings, going home, eating dinner, relaxing and going to sleep on time to not be too tired so we can do it all over again the next day. “But this pays the bills”, some say who sadly think about the confines of their mundane box they are stuck in all day. This is all considered normal. This is our operating system. This is what feeds and dresses us. This box isn’t always okay but livable. It gives us a certain routine and security. Many are scared of its boundaries and what is on the other side of it all so they get comfortable or simply suck it all up. Someone told me once that if I get a certain degree, I will get a promotion for sure. I was immediately intrigued by this because I love school. I registered at a university and put all the effort necessary into getting that degree. In the end, the promotion is patiently waiting for me, right? This someone has given me a tangible goal to work toward and I gave everything to achieve what needed to be done to get that degree.

Days turned into weeks, weeks into months and months into years and I was done. My hard work paid off. I earned that degree. I got the promotion and I was so excited. “Here is your new cubicle with a window, ” my new boss told me. I was really happy but here is the thing. While this new cubicle and work felt great, I noticed that my excitement about it all wasn’t as high anymore after a couple of weeks. The window was great because I could spy on other people in their cubicles who looked sad at me from across the street; some waved. Then more months passed and it felt exactly like my former work and cubicle but with a view. Replacing one object of desire with any other “thing” will lead to the same pattern that is in the end simply another part of normal life. If moving to a different cubicles does not work, maybe I have to figure out the root of the problem. So, I thought about my life and what I really want it to look at the cubicle itself and came up with the conclusion that I need to rip open that cubicle and throw myself into unfamiliar territory. And I quit that job.

These days and one year later, I am thinking a lot while applying for jobs. What am I passionate about? What are my strengths and weaknesses? When I worked the regular 9-5 for many years I escaped and traveled a lot but I realized quickly that a vacation no matter how awesome only serves as a dopamine hit of cultural experience. Let’s say I had a two-week vacation somewhere and I dove with sharks, went to Iceland, then Morocco, France and to a bunch of other places and came back. All these built-in time constraints did not allow me to truly understand the complexity of a foreign place anyway. I took some pictures and posted them on Facebook to impress my “friends” who do not really care. So, this is also not the answer. I have to look somewhere else. This place is far away – I visited it many years ago and loved and enjoyed it so much. It was a long time ago indeed but this place I visited is me.

My focus shifted and I paid more attention to what I felt, thought and really needed. My body is a great place to visit and a good and exciting environment to grow. Looking even more closely, I found more possibilities and opportunities popped up everywhere. Actually, more opportunities than there are points in a Georges Seurat painting. I arrived in a new environment and the last job interview was promising. I met a new crew of really awesome people who work(ed) for this company. Yesterday, they showed me things I have never seen before, and it’s fantastic. I realized again that who we are inside a venue matters far more than the venue itself and I hope it works out and I can start working for them. But I also have to be prepared that it does not work out and that there are my other job applications still open all over the world. My mind is at ease now and the usual angst and restlessness I felt inevitably disappeared for now but I know it is not a cure for discontentment of the mind yet. I genuinely became more curious about myself, my relationships with others, my life and that I only touched the surface with myself and many people that are important in my life. I learned to embrace where I am in life right now, with all its flaws and joys and everything in between and I keep in mind that no matter where I am right now, there is only one direction. Forward.