“Sometimes the best memories are sad because you know they will never happen again.” – Unknown.
Today was a good day but at the same time it made me a little sad. Sad because of many memories that came up that are very special to me. I was at my workplace today and met a lot of my former colleagues and friends and I realized, since I am gone, things will never be the same again. When I used to work there on a daily basis I was miserable many times. Angry, upset, tired… you name it. Now I have gotten some distance from it all and I miss certain moments. Certain memories, like how the coffee tasted in the little cafe where I used to smoke my cigarettes. (I am not smoking anymore for almost four years but still… these memories you know!) Today I had a cup of coffee at work and simply the taste of it brought back a ton of memories.
It is weird sometimes and my husband clearly states: “Whatever is in the past is in the past. You cannot re-live it.” This is certainly true but I am getting sad remembering all the good times. And usually this is all you really remember right? All the bad stuff just vanishes. I can still remember the beginning of my career. This nervous anticipation during those classroom weeks of introductions and lessons. The work itself afterwards, the long hours of standing sometimes. But you know what? I only remember the good stuff. Not the pain in my legs! Not the hours of waiting in the car sometimes.
Today we walked around New York and we visited many places where I have been with my husband. The beginnings, the long talks at this particular sushi place. The long walks through Manhattan with a camera and just taking pictures – stopping once in a while for something to eat or to discover a new bookstore. All these memories came back today. His touch on my arm when I was too close to the street to just make sure nothing happens to me while the cap driver is driving like a nut almost hitting me and cursing at me afterwards. Hello, this is New York. This was the beginning of our relationship and it was awesome. Even as we say, the smoking and muffin breaks “behind the tent” (insiders are great for those who know ha!)
Everything is so fresh in my mind again since today. Since we have visited many of these places together with our son. I walked by where we used to live, seeing the windows that are still from the 17th century and have never been replaced. When we sat in our living room freezing and curled up in blankets in the wintertime. Now it all seems too good to be true – everything was falling slowly into place somehow. Our marriage, the pregnancy, the house we moved into after we figured out that our old place is just too small for the three of us. Me trying to relax when I was so so nervous and was constantly worrying about everything. (I guess this is a German thing ?)
All the trips we have done together, the long road trips that were so awesome talking for hours in the car. All this seems so long ago and it feels strange in a way to go back to the beginning of us. It will be already four years this year that we are together and parts of it seemed so distant. There are so many details since today I can remember again in such crips detail.
We walked through the garage at work when we parked our car and I clearly remember losing my scarf that one morning when I was late for work and my husband picked it up running after me because he was late himself. Weird coincidences that are impossible to plan out. I even remember what he was wearing. And immediately I remember his crazy alarm clock sound when we woke up for work in the morning – falling out of bed because it was so annoyingly loud. Me getting up making coffee getting ready for work walking across the stress but still having our little philosophy breakfasts at home.
I also remember the night when Jean asked me to marry him, the food we had before and the restaurant. The way the stars shined brightly and it was just an awesome night. And when we drove to his little apartment after. I remember the long hours of talking and drinking wine in our “wine lounge”. The cigarettes we smoked outside and all these little things making every evening special with awesome stories getting to know each other more. In my relationship there is just so much togetherness – all these vacations and tips and the good talk. I know that life has a distinct marker; there is a before and an after and for me it is just amazing to think about everywhere we have been and to imagine everywhere we are going.
Today I realized again that memories are just funny things that shift, adapt and change over time. I know I cannot turn back time. Things will never be the same anymore. Sushi Time will not be the same anymore. Whatever we want to keep we keep and all the rest – all these small segments of our days dissipate into some sort of fog and eventually we do forget them. I am holding on tight to the things I do want to remember. Like today, waking around and meeting all these people that I shared so much with – I try to capture it all.
And today, walking the streets of Manhattan it took me all the way back to the beginning. My beginning with this city I love and hate at the same time. Me arriving here with my two suitcases creating this life for myself. Good times, bad times – this sweet melancholy of past memories I had today.
Let the adventure continue. Congo next.