.SOMETIMES RAW.

Once in a while I get notifications that I haven’t had written a blog post in a long time. Writing is my thing, my passion, I love it but then again, there are other obligations, tasks, assignments and of course family. These days, I need to tune in to nature to relief stress and actually block out all the noise. There is so much going on and I am mentally and physically tired. Does this sound familiar to you, too? I guess it does since we all have some type of deadlines, health challenges, family or social obligations and so much more. What have we been up to lately?

It is so crazy how fast time flies. I signed up Petit Joel in Kindergarten this week for September which will be another big step for him and I, I reckon (Kindergarten here is different from Germany! It is comparable with preschool/Vorschule!) These days however,  we spent a lot of time outside in the snow, enjoying our first Canadian winter. 

We are regulars at the museums here in Ottawa. Petit Joel loves them as much as I do.  The National Gallery, Museum of History and Museum of Nature are our top three so far. 

There is always time to be creative and write a  bit however even if it is not on my blog. This will change again soon. It is always just the overwhelming load of work at the beginning of the semester. 

The other day I thought Petit Joel should get a haircut; which he indeed desperately needed [this boy’s hair is just a mess]. So while we are at the Barber Shop I got a bang trim (how weird that sounds!) at the same time which was pretty neat. Sitting next to my three year-old son who smiles at me and tells the barber to not cut off any of mommy’s “long hair because he loves it so much” is pretty sweet. The barber then tells me that it does not happen very often that women get a haircut at his place. They rather go to the fancy hairdresser across the street. [First of all, why would I do that and pay four times the price. Secondly, I just get a bang-trim and the ends straightened out. Thirdly, I don’t ever need all the chemicals and fluff on my hair anyway. Simply, cut the hair. Nothing else needs to be added!] In Germany I would always go to this place instead: Nicole Reiter Naturfriseur!  I have the easiest haircut to maintain and I know and believe that “simple” is the best for me! 

Otherwise, Petit Joel and I spent a lot of time together; especially on weekends. Since I have two evening classes during the week we are working with new babysitters from the neighborhood and all three are fantastic. I don’t worry for one second when they take care of him.  The funny thing is: they are all 13/14 years-old but get along with him so well. On weekends, we also go out and get the most amazing chocolate cake around here at “Life of Pie” [for insiders, MOM: heavenly “warze Kuche” for him and coffee for me]. He is a “Saturdate” for sure while we play Jenga for hours. I even get some journaling/writing done while he plays. Win-win! 

The other day it was so cold, dark and wet/snowy. I felt tired but we dressed up and went for a walk. We walked and walked and it snowed some more but I was mindful. I appreciated it all. The fresh air, his tiny hand comfortably in mine while we walked to our favorite bookstore.  We even walked by a “free bed frame” too. Well, goodnight, then, who decides to take it home. 

While we walked I realized again that we are in Canada. That we live here, building our lives, spending time with great people and that I am studying simply because I love what I am doing. I miss my family in Germany and many times it feels that I am so far removed. But it is all okay. They are there. I am with them. Always! We are together anyway and simply a Skype/Facetime call away. 

On a book-nerd-note: I found out about Trinidadian/Canadian author André Alexis and was able to attend the reading/discussion at Carleton University this evening. What a gem of a writer. I loved it so much. Stay tuned for a book review of his book “Fifteen Dogs” soon. And I added two of his books to my TBR-list. 

When I came home after the reading, I chatted with the babysitter for a while, paid him and checked on Petit Joel as soon as he left. I always do. I walked into his bedroom and saw his tiny flashlight on. As I was about to turn it off, he woke up and looked at me. He said, “I played with the trains earlier but I can’t connect all the train tracks. I just can’t!” I told him that he has to sleep but he insisted and said again, “Mommy, I just can’t!” 

I took him in my arms and said, “Joel, can’t means won’t. You can do whatever you want. You just keep trying until you figure it out. Don’t get frustrated. Just keep trying. It is not that difficult. And if you want something really really badly, you can figure out a way to do it. You can and you will do it! It is just all about choices, my love.” 

While I told him all this, he curled up on my shoulder and fell asleep again. While I put him back in his bed and wrapped his blanket around him I told myself these same words all well. “You can” and “you will”. This goes for my Master Thesis and for anything, too. 

Of course the time in Germany flew by in a heartbeat. I always know this before I even get here. I want to meet so many friends, want to talk to everyone and spend time with them but it is not possible. I just unpacked my suitcase and it is time to arrange all the things I purchased/received as intelligently as possible to make this thing close up again. 

I cannot even describe the endlessly long number of thoughts that are going through my head right now. The car ride tomorrow to the airport, our stay at the hotel, the flight and so much more but I can deal with it. I always figure out a way. You know why? Because I have to and things will be okay. And if they won’t, I will rearrange everything and make it work again. There are only solutions even though I don’t see them right away. 

I felt emotional for two days now and it is strangely always the same painful phenomenon. Saying goodbye to my family is never easy. I just know I am and have been at a very peaceful, loving, good place. My home base, which is a place where I don’t have to worry about anything really. Not that my life was bad before but being with my family is extra special. Maybe you can relate or know what I am talking about. My brother was here too, so it has been especially great. Really awesome and good conversations. Things are never perfect, but it felt pretty close to it. It has been a, for me, pretty long time since we have all seen each other last. 

Saying goodbye to my grandparents every time does not get easier either. They are old, they have their health issues. Will I ever see them again? We talk on the phone or via Skype (82/92 year-olds are using Skype, too!)  every week usually but this is not the same than of course talking in person. I was thankful to have spent some time with them while I was here. I am just continuing to put my positive energy out there by thinking positive thoughts and things. Everything will be okay. We will be fine. I simply have to take out the negativity and sadness of leaving my base behind, hah! Easier said then done but I focus on my health first, Petit Joel, on the next semester, meeting friends again and how everything just always goes on somehow. 

My life is no way how I ever planned it to be. The only thing I always knew was that I don’t want to be stuck here in Coburg. I wanted to see the world, explore, experience, travel. Things did not change so far. However, there is a price to pay, in this case that I won’t be able to stop by for a cup of coffee at my mom’s kitchen. I made all type of plans but life threw curveball at me left and right. Things changed. I adapted. And now I live in Canada and I love and adore it even though it is freaking cold, eh! This is my life. My new life. With no family around but this is what I chose. I am here now, open,  present and grateful for what I achieved. Grateful for the relationships in my life, especially the ones that open up my mind to new insights and helping me to embrace ideas and thoughts. As I said, I am adapting, and I already found a new favorite  bookstore and new books that fall into my hands which makes it all okay. 

Even though my heart is aching thinking about leaving  tomorrow, I know that I don’t want to change this wild, somewhat uncertain and crazy life of mine ever. I am beating the German “Angst” and look beyond security and safety and take a shot on this crazy life and what it entails. And I will be back. No matter what. 

Today, by mom, brother, Petit Joel and I sat in a café and I saw a framed picture of this African proverb: “It takes a village to raise a child” and it made us all think about it.  I could not really connect with this phrase. I asked my mom, “Do they really mean a village? Is a village really necessary?” 

I remember when I was pregnant with Petit Joel, I was so worried about doing everything “right”. Does breastfeeding work? Do I need to cloth-diaper instead of using regular ones? Will I ever sleep again through the night? And this thought that I just gave birth to this little human being overwhelmed me. Doctors and nurses helped me in the beginning. So, it takes a village, eh? 

While we drank our coffees and ate our cakes we thought about how important this “village” actually is or how important this role of others becomes when raising a child. Integrating and including my family after the birth was very helpful and I have to thank my parents again and again that they were/are 100% behind me throughout all these years. Germany and my parents home is the place where Petit Joel grew up and enjoyed the first 2 1/2 years of his life. But imagine a village? I had friends, too. Real friends who experienced the same sleepless nights, the same pregnancy nightmares and the same struggles a mother faces – especially in the beginning of this never-ending job being a mom. Friends who shared tears and laughter throughout it all. As time went on, I realized how great this support is. The human interaction because as mothers, we are in this together. [On a side note: I heard somebody say today (a man), that he needs some time for himself after being with his 4 year-old son all week long. He said he is exhausted. Duh! Welcome to the mother-world, my friend! This is what we deal with all the time, sometimes secretly asking for some time off wiping away a tear or two!!]

When I found some mom-friends in Germany I moved. And moved again. I had to find new ones, which turns out to be quite difficult for me. Remember Milo’s mom? Since Joel is in Kindergarten, I am in touch with other mothers constantly. I am indeed open for anything new. We talk, we joke, but there are these certain type of mom’s and I just think, “Yep, this is her. She is the one. I want to hang out with her for sure!” The one who understands you and your feelings, when your three year-old throws tantrums, tries to hit you at the toy store because you told him it is time to go home. The one who comes over with a bottle of wine, some cheese and you talk for hours and create a safe child-free zone for a couple of hours. This mom, who still knows other things to talk about than diapers and children. Books for example. Or a great movie. But I am also good on my own. I take Petit Joel to the library, to the theater or endless walks downtown. But with this one mom I met, things opened up. Together, we met other mom’s who are like us and suddenly we had a little group. These moms who figure out this “raising-a-child-thing” together and succeeding more or less one day at a time. These conversations, playdates, coffee shop visits and walks in the park are exactly what I need. We all agree that the drunk dinosaur-lady from the playground is the best entertainment for any child’s birthday party. We all have her business card!

 Is this my village?  The woman at the bakery who teaches him to say “Thank you” after he receives a cookie because he forgot to say it? The mailman who shows him where he keeps all the mail in the truck, while the garbage truck driver explains how they empty the garbage cans? Petit Joel smiles, he listens, he learns. 

But what I love the most is my family and to have them close by these days – my parents and grandparents. To see my brother or sister play with Petit Joel, teach him soccer for hours or show him how to draw a scary dragon. My grandparents come over and teach Petit Joel how the game “memory” works. He learns, he listens. I know I have my family to lean on. This feeling that I can go out at night with a friend and leave Petit Joel with my parents without ever having the feeling that I owe them something in return or that I need to worry. We are family. This is what you do for each other. We stand behind each other no matter what. These people lift me up when I am down, too and I would do the same for them. Having a “support-team” is important because it is tough doing it all on your own. I don’t think anybody really can. 

While I am typing all this, I am sitting in my parent’s kitchen with my brother – both sharing a box of tissues, tons of nose spray while fighting these cold-germs hard in a sneezing competition. Earlier, my mom took Petit Joel to bed and he is peacefully asleep. This is my village. This is my family. My base.