I bought these books recently and love them. It is basically about a guy who hates people and wants to avoid human encounters at all costs. Many times, I can relate, especially when it comes to kids and helicopter moms at the playground. Or masses of people in the subway on a hot, sticky summer day in the city. Or super annoying voices and fake people. Here, I want to share a couple of tricks on how to avoid awkward encounters.
1. Do you have a mobile phone? Can you act like you have received an important call?
A. I have the latest iPhone, and I studied at the best school for actors in California for three years, under the tutelage of the great Arnold Schwarzenegger. I have trained my entire life for this moment.
B. Yes, and I once spoke to the clown who played in my son’s school theater who gave me tips.
C. I’m on a digital detox.
If you answered A or B, you have successfully avoided an awkward encounter. Well done. If you answered C, please proceed to the next question.
2. Are there other people at the bus stop? Can you pretend to know them?
A. Yes, there’s a small crowd, including a friendly looking woman with a pug. She’s wearing red glasses to boot, and I have doggy treats in my coat pocket.
B. There is a drunk man wielding a kitchen knife.
C. I am alone.
If you answered A or B, you have successfully avoided an awkward encounter. Well done. If you answered C, please proceed to the next question.
3. Are there any places to hide around the bus stop?
A. Yes, it has a covered shelter and advertising panels. I am a master of disguise and will simply maneuver behind the Chanel No. 5 ad, just on the other side of the annoying person.
B. There is a thin tree, the size of a pole. I could, in theory, stand behind it. My body would stick out, but it would block most of my face, removing any risk of eye contact.
C. There is nowhere to hide.
If you answered A or B, you have successfully avoided an awkward encounter. Well done. If you answered C, please proceed to the next question.
4. Can you run away?
A. I am a world-class athlete, vying for gold in the 200-meter dash at the next Olympics. I can turn and sprint so fast that the annoying person will never catch me.
B. I tore a ligament last week mowing the lawn. I can hobble, but it will cause permanent damage.
C. I have gout.
If you answered A or B, you have successfully avoided an awkward encounter. Well done. If you answered C, please proceed to the next question.
5. Do you have access to cyanide?
A. Rejoice: my trusted cyanide! I always keep a little vial, just in case. Because, if I’ve learned anything in life, it’s that you could bump into an annoying person at any moment.
B. No, but I can see a pretty big rock.
C. Nope. What is this?
If you answered A or B, you have successfully avoided an awkward encounter. Well done. If you answered C, then I’m afraid you will have to have an awkward encounter with the assholes. Good luck.
