.Welcome Aboard Henry Airlines.

That’s me. The Stewardess. Oh, I meant, flight attendant. (*innen)

Welcome Aboard!

Henry Airlines has some great news: You no longer need to wear a mask on your flight with us. Why? Because we are not scared anymore. The government has decided that measurements are no longer needed. No more lockdowns, no more quarantine after you arrive at your destination, no more testing. Everything is back to normal, just the way it was before. Now take off your damn shoes in the x-ray area before you board the plane and put them in the tray so we can check if there is a bomb in your socks. Mam, put your sandals in a tray because you just never know. Also, put the computer in a separate tray. G-sus, doesn’t everybody know this by now?

That’s right: even though COVID is still transmissible, we are just not that worried about it anymore. Just like that. Out of a sudden. We are relaxed. Whatever will be, will be! Now walk through our full-body X-ray machine so we can make sure you didn’t swallow a grenade before you got here. Throw out all liquids (especially bottled water) before the security check but purchase way more expensive, mostly unhealthy food and drinks afterwards. Yeah, we do make sense. But take that damn belt off. Who knows what you are hiding underneath that small buckle.

On our plane are two hundred strangers in a small tube in the sky, and any of them could be carrying a new variant of the virus, but who cares. We are done with it. WHO CARES! A bottle of shampoo larger than 100 ml? Put your hands in the air and don’t fucking move. That bottle could be carrying anthrax, or worse: expired shampoo.

As a Bavarian airline, we don’t want our fellow Germans to feel restricted in any way, and that includes having to wear a piece of smelly, toxic fabric over their mouths for a couple of hours! We make you aware that you will hurt your lungs in the long run by breathing in your own moist Co2. You will be full of mucus when you arrive at your destination. To be clear, things that are still completely restricted include nail clippers, hiking poles, scissors, and Magic 8 Balls. And Kindersurprise Eggs. I mean c’mon, we don’t want you to smuggle drugs. Do the decisions we have made for this airline recently make any sense? Outlook: not so good.

Look, Henry Airlines is to being unrealistic about all this. The virus hasn’t gone away – our concerns have gone away. We have decided to stop being concerned with pretty much everything at this point. Now take a seat in this windowless interrogation room for five hours because you didn’t want to hand over that nail clipper of yours and didn’t want to take your belt off because it usually never “beeps”.

If you still want to wear a mask on a plane, we won’t stop you. But we are not going to force any individual passenger to be responsible for the safety of everyone else on this plane. Now, if you happen to be sitting in the emergency exit row, you are responsible for the safety of everyone else on this plane. And we mean everybody!

So sit back, relax, and breathe in! Ah, isn’t this great? It feels good not to be so anxious anymore, doesn’t it? Oh, you do you want to wear the mask 24/7 just to protect yourself and others? Then fly to China with. Henry Airlines offers a special discount to Wuhan. Now put your goddamn phone on airplane mode or we are all gonna die.

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