Category: .Inspiration.

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On balance

“What I dream of is an art of balance, of purity and serenity devoid of troubling or depressing subject matter – a soothing, calming influence on the mind, rather like a good armchair which provides relaxation from physical fatigue.” – Henri Matisse

What is balance? Balancing things out in life…. I have been thinking about it for a long time. Especially today and I realized that things can be balanced but there will never be a routine of some sort. One phone call from someone and everything in your life can change. I talked to my father today via Skype. My grandfather is in hospital since yesterday and I do not know if he is making it out alive. He is almost 86 years old. Wow, if I will ever be that old? If I will ever make it that far? Hearing this I realize again that I have to balance out my life. That I cannot go to crazy in either direction. Life can change or be over so soon. There is not need to stress too much.

I know I have responsibilities in life and I know there are expectations from others that I live my life a certain way. Well, I just cannot balance this all out anymore. Life has changed. My life is a constant change and I love it the way it is. Others might think it is crazy and that there is no “routine” but it is okay with me. I am working on not feeling too bad about leaving my family behind  in Germany and not having enough personal time with them that I can spend anymore. This hurts me so much still. I lived with my parents for almost two years with my son and now things changed. My son and I are back in the U.S. and waiting for the next change. The Congo-change.

Life changes constantly and you never know if you even wake up the next morning. I just have to do what makes me happy.  If I am 100% into something it is hard for me not to give 100%. I like to do things how I envision them. When life throws you a curveball you have to change – your expectations need to change. Even your life has to change sometimes. I just do not like to run around with this sense of guilt all the time that I haven’t done something, haven’t called someone, haven’t done something according to someone’s expectations. My life is not perfect. Far from it. Life will get busier and busier and I will have to adapt and change – my perspective has to change.

No matter what anybody tells me, I know one things for sure. I know for sure that  I go to bed at night with this feeling that I was present as a good wife and mother. Even though there are points when my husband and I argue (mostly because of me I have to admit) but I know I am doing a good job and I am balanced. When I make mistakes I am aware that I can change the situation by improving so my family which is my biggest priority in life never gets pushed aside or down any ladders. I also know that I have to live up to MY expectations and nobody else’s. Everybody lives their own life. And to realize this just feels good. I realize that this is helping me fixing my feelings of being so un-balanced at times. I simply realize that I have a priority list for MY life and some things are higher up there and nobody needs to worry about those things but I!

With me stressing sometimes about all kind of things I have to just balance things and chill. Being married to a Frenchi it should be all clear. I mean, all the French people I met so far are so laid back and stress-free it is amazing. When my husband is having his coffee and breakfast in the morning he can just chill, sit, and relax. I on the other hand try to find a cure for AIDS and split an atom. Trying to do everything at the same time, stressing – because this is embedded in my mind. Why? Because this is how I have been raised. Always worrying about everything and stressing. I try to please something, someone, balance things out to simply please. I have to realize that if I cannot finish something there is always tomorrow. Simple as that. Many times life is just difficult and things do not get done on time. But it is all okay. I always try to remember that I only have this ONE shot on life.

To realize this and apply it on a daily basis – tough but manageable with time.

 

 

 

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On being in the present.

Yes, I signed up on Pinterest. I refused to for the longest time but finally got hooked. These apps on the iPhone, I am telling you. My step-daughter Emma showed me the “Snapshot-app” for the iPhone today. Man oh man!

Could this quote on the piece of paper above be more right on? I found it on yep, Pinterest and wanted to share it here because I really love it. It is just a simple reminder to be in the now – to be in the present. We all have made bad choices in life. I mean, this is why life is life. Hopefully we learn from our mistakes. However, I am working on not believing that these – let’s say missteps were bad choices I have made. They have not ruined anything or stopped my progress at all. They haven’t even slowed things down. We are all in this journey called life. All these experiences are just part of an open-ended journey. This journey is just huge and awesome and full of good stuff.

Many times thoughts came up that I regret certain things in my past. This mantra “do not have any regrets” is sure great but if you really think about it, in reality it is not always that simple and easy to do. But looking at my life now, right now, the way it is – well, here i am now. Right here. Right now! And of course I would not be right here with all I have without my past and my experiences. All incidences in my life – good or bad led me to today and I love where I am now. In a way I have to thank all of those sad, bad times that were just part of my trip. So thank you bad relationships in the past. Somehow you made me realize that there are good guys out there and that there is something very special if you find the “one”. Simply, if I do not value myself, no one will. I have just no time for garbage anymore. Life is too short.

I also want to thank an ex-friend. This person ruined many good memories and I just realize that once someone says “they are there for you” and when shit hits the fan and you see their true face and they are busy – it hurts. But I learn. I live and learn right?!

Thank you previous job that you sucked so badly at points that I started looking for something new. Thank you past city that this constant need of rushing around and noise made me look for something else and made me enjoy quiet and solitude again.

It is all good. I am grateful for all these memories and times. This is all a path, a road or map if you will that leads me to somewhere else. I do have this main idea where it will takes me next but who knows. Things can change so quickly. I always try to remember all the work I have done to get me where I am now. To just accept this and appreciate life the way it is now is just priceless. Always remember, things can change in a heartbeat and cursing the past only tarnishes the future.

<3

 

 

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On Memories.

“Sometimes the best memories are sad because you know they will never happen again.” – Unknown. 

Today was a good day but at the same time it made me a little sad. Sad because of many memories that came up that are very special to me. I was at my workplace today and met a lot of my former colleagues and friends and I realized, since I am gone, things will never be the same again. When I used to work there on a daily basis I was miserable many times. Angry, upset, tired… you name it. Now I have gotten some distance from it all and I miss certain moments. Certain memories, like how the coffee tasted in the little cafe where I used to smoke my cigarettes. (I am not smoking anymore for almost four years but still… these memories you know!) Today I had a cup of coffee at work and simply the taste of it brought back a ton of memories.

It is weird sometimes and my husband clearly states: “Whatever is in the past is in the past. You cannot re-live it.” This is certainly true but I am getting sad remembering all the good times. And usually this is all you really remember right? All the bad stuff just vanishes. I can still remember the beginning of my career. This nervous anticipation during those classroom weeks of introductions and lessons. The work itself afterwards, the long hours of standing sometimes. But you know what? I only remember the good stuff. Not the pain in my legs! Not the hours of waiting in the car sometimes.

Today we walked around New York and we visited many places where I have been with my husband. The beginnings, the long talks at this particular sushi place. The long walks through Manhattan with a camera and just taking pictures – stopping once in a while for something to eat or to discover a new bookstore. All these memories came back today. His touch on my arm when I was too close to the street to just make sure nothing happens to me while the cap driver is driving like a nut almost hitting me and cursing at me afterwards. Hello, this is New York. This was the beginning of our relationship and it was awesome. Even as we say, the smoking and muffin breaks “behind the tent” (insiders are great for those who know ha!)

Everything is so fresh in my mind again since today. Since we have visited many of these places together with our son. I walked by where we used to live, seeing the windows that are still from the 17th century and have never been replaced. When we sat in our living room freezing and curled up in blankets in the wintertime. Now it all seems too good to be true – everything was falling slowly into place somehow. Our marriage, the pregnancy, the house we moved into after we figured out that our old place is just too small for the three of us. Me trying to relax when I was so so nervous and was constantly worrying about everything. (I guess this is a German thing ?)

All the trips we have done together, the long road trips that were so awesome talking for hours in the car. All this seems so long ago and it feels strange in a way to go back to the beginning of us. It will be already four years this year that we are together and parts of it seemed so distant.  There are so many details since today I can remember again in such crips detail.

We walked through the garage at work when we parked our car and I clearly remember losing my scarf that one morning when I was late for work and my husband picked it up running after me because he was late himself. Weird coincidences that are impossible to plan out. I even remember what he was wearing. And immediately I remember his crazy alarm clock sound when we woke up for work in the morning – falling out of bed because it was so annoyingly loud. Me getting up making coffee getting ready for work walking across the stress but still having our little philosophy breakfasts at home.

I also remember the night when Jean asked me to marry him, the food we had before and the restaurant. The way the stars shined brightly and it was just an awesome night. And when we drove to his little apartment after. I remember the long hours of talking and drinking wine in our “wine lounge”. The cigarettes we smoked outside and all these little things making every evening special with awesome stories getting to know each other more. In my relationship there is just so much togetherness – all these vacations and tips and the good talk. I know that life has a distinct marker; there is a before and an after and for me it is just amazing to think about everywhere we have been and to imagine everywhere we are going.

Today I realized again that memories are just funny things that shift, adapt and change over time. I know I cannot turn back time. Things will never be the same anymore. Sushi Time will not be the same anymore. Whatever we want to keep we keep and all the rest – all these small segments of our days dissipate into some sort of fog and eventually we do forget them. I am holding on tight to the things I do want to remember. Like today, waking around and meeting all these people that I shared so much with – I try to capture it all.

And today, walking the streets of Manhattan it took me all the way back to the beginning. My beginning with this city I love and hate at the same time. Me arriving here with my two suitcases creating this life for myself. Good times, bad times – this sweet melancholy of past memories I had today.

Let the adventure continue. Congo next.

 

 

 

 

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On Consistency

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” – Aristotle 

Do I need consistency in my life? For me, when it comes to doing anything new, anything out of the ordinary it is all about creating habits. Usually it is something healthier than what my everyday norm is. It is hard to do anything consistently without setting any type of habit but then again it is hard to make anything a habit without actually doing it consistently. Weird? Like the old egg before the chicken and chicken before the egg debate I guess. So what worked for me so far is that the only way to make anything in my life a habit is to just start doing it, jumping right into it and start doing it consistently. But then for whatever reason I used to take “breaks” from being consistent.

Running/Sports and me is a pretty good example. Running/Jogging is all about consistency really. Like with any type of sport, once you are consistently doing it you improve. Simple as that. So I practices running every single day throughout my police career. I tried my hardest and I tried keeping it like that and all this was for a good reason. I loved it. I changed the way I ate, ran ever single day and of course improved. All I wanted was to run the big Marathon in Berlin. I truly loved my practice. As soon as school was over I put on my running shoes and I was out of the door. But then I let up on the consistency a little which totally screwed things up. For instance, friends invited me to party with them or hang out with them after work. It was raining after class or cold, snowing … blah blah excuses so I ended up only practicing  once or twice a week. This is really great still and many would say this is better than nothing. But I missed so many days in between when I usually practices and I felt it became easier and easier to talk myself out of it. Sometimes I used to go running early in the morning before anyone was up in the academy. But then this switched to some sort of relaxing afternoon with some books and coffee. Nothing wrong with that, but it just became my new habit which in the end just did not feel good. I did run the Berlin Marathon however in 3 hours 34 minutes by the way. 🙂

I mean, honestly, we all know that living more sedentary and relaxing comes pretty easy and naturally. Like doing nothing and still craving this slice of pizza and those cookies at night. This is the reason why I need to make something a habit to just keep me away from this tendency of vegging (it is an action) out in front of the TV every night.

These days it is not so much the sports that I am consistent in. I practice Yoga and meditation at home almost on a daily basis which feels good and I love doing it. These days however, it is more about consistently writing on my blog. I found my true passion. Reading was always #1 for me but I think it has been replaced by writing for sure. And here I try to be consistent. My family and friends ask me sometimes how I can just consistently write and publish posts. Like how I find the time to do it or how I take the time to do it. Well, it is very simple. I love doing it so I find time. No matter where and when. I love writing – I really do.  At night when everything is calm and my son is in bed or in the mornings, when it is even calmer and I have more energy after a good nights rest are my favorite times to publish something. Writing in English for me is also a practice that requires consistency to keep at it, to learn new words, to figure out different structures and sentences, to simply keep it a habit.

I am consistently and constantly learning these days how to improve this blog, my writing techniques and all this makes me happy and I need it in my life. It fulfills my days and all this is reason enough to keep going and keep up with it on a daily basis. Basically I think the key to success – or a big part of it at least is consistency.

I would like to know what you are passionate about. How important is consistency for you? Or what do you do if you fall off the wagon once in a while and end up on the couch every night? How do you get back on it?

 

 

 

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Random thinking late at night.

“Feather to fire
fire to blood
blood to bone
bone to marrow
marrow to ashes
ashes to snow.” Gregory Colbert

Having finished Joan Didion’s “Blue Nights” it makes me think about life. I am into her books these days. It started with “Slouching towards Bethlehem” which I thought was a great read. I continued with “The year of magical thinking” which I loved and without giving too much away if you end up reading anything by her it gave me a great insight of how her life was back then when her husband died and her daughter was in hospital. So “Blue Nights” is about how she deal with the suffering after. I put the book down and thought about life. My life. Our life. My family.

I wish there was a way I could know when it would be the last time I would see someone. I know this is not possible of course but it reminds me to pay extra attention to what I am doing on a daily basis. (I know I should ALWAYS put my seatbelt on Jean!)

Hug and kiss the people I love more and pay extra attention to them. And make sure to hug these people even harder when it comes to saying goodbye. With me, living this sort-of expat life it is never easy. I have been saying goodbye so many times and I still cry.

We would certainly pay extra attention if we would know this is the last time we can see “them”. But on a daily basis? How many times did we leave the house after we had a fight with our significant other or family member? We don’t really care most of the time do we? We go about living our lives and our days. Sometimes I think we do act in a way that we will not feel sadness or regret when the inevitable does happen even though it is impossible not to.

How Joan Didion describes in “Blue Nights” how strong her relationship with her daughter was made me so sad. There was this deep deep love for each other. She has lost her but time goes on, life goes on and things happen. I tend to always worry. “Horrible -things -might -happen” kind of thinking. The worst is the older I get the more I see this happening but I am working on it and trying to get better. My husband on the other hand sees things relaxed. Not worrying and just dealing with the situation that is present. Here and now. As we all should.

Sometimes I wake up with a head full of anxiety. Then my brain is an enemy. I hate these feelings. I can be all happy for weeks, months, and happily bounce along and then one day something comes up in my mind and then there is this grey area – this fog. Sometimes I feel like things are going too well in my life so something has to bring me back to reality. So then I sit up in bed thinking about things, my mind racing, getting upset about something that happened way back when. And  recently I thought, wow, I am 34 years old… all these things I should have done with my life right now.  I felt so sad about myself because listing to others (even my family) I should have this and that by now and live there and have a house there and ablablab…. “All these things I could have done with my life”. I am human. I have these feeling once in a while.

However, I live this expat life and I love it. No matter what anybody says or thinks of it. I appreciate that the daffodils come up again in spring and that the snow falls in winter and that it is so freaking hot right now that we sit outside in the middle of the night just to feel a little comfortable.

We all have great days and bad days and we do all sort of things that add up into one big feeling about what we are building and creating. All we really want to know is what all this means. What this life is all about. I try to pay attention and try to remember. I tell my family and friends that I love them and hug them hard when they leave and I do enjoy every single moment when I am with them. All we do is keep going and looking ahead and I have learned that it is important to just carry the people that cannot be with me right now in my heat at all times. And in that way they will always be here instead of there; they will always be with me, a part of the now instead of just then. In my heart! <3

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Wherever you go, there you are.

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Recently a friend of mine responded to my post on “Happiness”. Part of it was that she thinks it is not that easy to just pack up and go. Well let’s put it this way, there is a lot to be said when someone plans a change of scenery or even a move across the world.

Thinking when I made the decision to leave Germany behind almost eleven years ago and start a new life in the U.S. many of my friends said that I am just nuts. To leave a well-paid, secure job and just go into the “unknown” seems crazy. But I simply needed a change – needed a new challenge. And for me the grass is sometimes indeed greener somewhere else (on the other side) but there is just a great amount of truth in wherever you go, there you are. Home is where my heart is. For me back then it was very easy. I was single, no kid, no partner, no responsibilities but taking care of myself so I hopped on the plane and that was that. I was not running away from myself. All I wanted was to experience something new. I just did everything in my power to make this move happen because I really wanted it. It made me really happy.

I believe that if I really want something it will work out. If there are any doubts and there are beliefs that this pattern of ones life is okay the way it is then nothing will change. And this is also good. Whatever makes a person happy. But recently I have been hearing all this whining from friends that they would love to do this and that and try out this but they are not sure/afraid. All I am saying is: “Go for it if you really want it!” I have been down this road before. Many times. Even simple things as changing departments/units where I worked. I tend to get comfortable over time. And change comes not so easy anymore. If something does not make me happy anymore, if something does not fulfill me anymore a change is needed. My dream was always to live in the U.S. (well, I came here when I was 23 years old – Sex and the City anyone?).

America is extraordinary country with many beautiful areas. I was fortunate to live in Manhattan,  literally 15 walking minutes away from Times Square. Wow! But after a while, I wanted  to see the stars again at night looking out of my apartment/cubicle window. I would like to hear nothing but cicadas at night. See a squirrel here and there in my backyard. To enjoy the silence is basically impossible in the city. So guess what? I changed the environment I was living in. Simple as that. Change! Living the way I always had is not enough sometimes. Sometimes just asking myself “Why?” makes all the difference. Why am I not happy? Why do I want a change? This sense of disappointment if nothing changes and things just keep playing out the same way is just not working for me. I am still working on not worrying too much about things (I came a long way from constantly worrying to taking it easier). Even though I have taken this step of moving by myself to the U.S. I was worrying if things will be okay which is normal I think. Worrying about money, you name it. But sometimes I just have to stop. My husband tells me this  all the time. There is just nothing one can do in certain situations and worrying does not help. And most importantly all these moments I have already experienced are the only possession that nobody can take away from me.

Sometimes the answers are not easy to get to; however, they are always there but I have to take my time and examine them in enough detail and with care. Even though this is difficult. I believe making long-term changes that create change in life and that count starts just by digging deep and asking the right questions. And yes, I think it is okay to just pack a suitcase, go to the airport and head towards the sun without worrying about anything else. Even with kids. 🙂 So here you have it. This is how I enjoy my life with my family. In life, everything is temporal. The moments I have experienced are the only things I really own. Nothing else! Those are mine to keep and even more importantly to collect more and more. Adventure awaits.

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Is this all enough?

This question I had on my mind since I got out of the car today after driving around all afternoon. How do I start this post? Maybe I already do know the answer to this question above. It is enough the way it is. I have my husband and my baby and I love them. It is all clear. We just all sat in the living room today and I looked at my son – like really looked at him, eyes, face, hair, body, the whole picture and this is really all I need. His happiness when he looks into my eyes and I can show him “I am here. You are safe”  and I tell him without words and he feels and understands. I know this is all I need. However, then there is this little extra beat of my heart that makes me think of another baby.

I never ever wanted to have kids in the first place  so this is all weird for me to actually write about. All I always wanted was career,  travel the world, school, finish another BA, MA whatever. But I finally met the man who for the first time in my life  I could imagine having kids with. I just knew it would all work out – it would be all fine – I am okay and safe. Then I got pregnant and this pregnancy was a piece of cake. I was so fortunate. Nine months of just getting bigger, but no complaints otherwise. Then the birth – via c-section also okay. And I welcomed this beautiful baby boy into this world. (And I did not stop traveling – in fact it has gotten better. We just take the baby everywhere we go. Simple as that.)

Throughout the last year with all these changes in my family’s life I was dreaming about homeschooling (this won’t happen – just no way), about having my own garden to grow my food (this will definitely happen soon) and just live an awesome family life. So we had this one child and I saw how that went. It was easy. It was okay. I grew into loving being a mom, loving what I can teach this little soul on a daily basis. And then he grew and grew. My son is almost two years old now and I have loved every single second with him. I was so fortunate that I could raise him on my own and with my parents help because this is where I lived since my son was five weeks old. (My husband is on a mission with the United Nations in Congo).

I am feeling these days that more and more of his baby-ness is falling away. I am just wondering what is next. Another baby? Yes! I am open for it. I would love to have another one. I am wondering if I have any holes in my heart that yearn to be filled with another baby. Or if I want to grow our family one more time.  I am sure the answer is yes and if it will happen it will happen. No stress involved. I always asked myself when it is the right time to have a baby. When will I slow down enough to have one and say it is okay to have a baby  now. Well, there is no right time. Life never slows down enough so I would say, okay, NOW I want a baby because NOW the time is right.

I have promised myself that if we get the chance to get pregnant again that I will enjoy this beautiful season of my life. I will be in the now which will be so important and this is exactly where I want to be and where I need to be. We will see what happens next for this little family of mine but I am open for changes all the time. I have this little voice inside of me saying:
“If it happens it will be an awesome experience all over again!”

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So I sit and I think.

It is Thursday, or Friday? I don’t know. I have been traveling with my family for the past four weeks and lost track of date and time. I am sitting here in our kitchen back home after another awesome day spent at the beach, with good food and lots of reading and books. Our son is sleeping – totally exhausted of running around at the bookstore and beach. Next to me is a big glass of water and I am enjoying the silence that goes with this beautiful moment and evening. Cicadas playing their little song in the backyard – quietness otherwise. This is my favorite time of the day. Reflecting on the day, me-time, reading, writing and simply enjoying that there is no hustle.

So what comes to my mind first? Happiness. How fortunate I am to live this life – right here – right  now. The previous three weeks spent in Martinique were one thing that I scratched off my bucket list just now. Also swimming with turtles in the ocean which literally made me cry. Jean and I had a long talk the other night about what makes us/you really happy and that this kind of life we are living makes us feel alive. This craziness, the traveling, sometimes uncertainties, the exploring and of course when life throws you a curveball to figure out how to solve the situation without freaking out – all those things.

When I look at our son I know what makes him really happy. He wants to run outside, explore, play. So we just do it; it is just that simple. And looking at my own life this way is actually what I try to do. Sometimes it is awesome to just get up and play. Well I have not always been this way. Many times in my life I simply chose to be around things and people or do things that did not make me happy or did not add anything positive to the bigger picture. I would do the same thing over and over (expecting a different result) and asking myself why this is not working. Now I ask myself what would make me happy and then I do it or figure out a way to get there. Simple as that. For me this happiness thing has been a long hard struggle. Many times I “thought” I was happy but isn’t it more about wholeness than being happy? Does what I am doing right here right now add to my wholeness? Does it add to the bigger picture of my experiences or my life?

What makes me feel alive? Definitely my family. Always has been – always will be. Being with them and traveling, sharing new experiences and this first excitement of exploring something new like this recent vacation to Martinique  is just what I live for. This pleasant feeling of waking up next to my husband, and feeling safe, knowing my son sleeps safe and sound in the next room – this is happiness. Of course the sound of the waves ten meters away from the bedroom was awesome as well. Or as simple as sitting in the kitchen together and just being in my husbands accepting, magical presence while he tries to solve some weird medal- ring- puzzle- something. Add a good book (currently I am reading Joan Didion’s “The year of magical thinking” and the “Journals of Sylvia Plath” by Sylvia Plath). Add a good meal: wine and some cheese and of course writing.

The other day I was complaining about something – not sure what but it was something silly. My husband tells me I should just spend that energy working to change the situation instead of keep complaining about it. I thought about my life and that I really needed this advice many times before. And if I look at my life – just the way it is now – there is no reason for me to complain about anything. Life is not simple – this is clear. Life is magical. I make the best out of it because I only have this one shot.  Sometimes when I just take a step back I can see everything clearer. Today I worked on my wholeness. Little steps, and this is where I begin.

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Space Oddity

“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.”  -Jack Kerouac

So I am sitting here listening to David Bowie’s “Space Oddity” thinking that life is awesome. It just is. Let me start by this morning. I “know” that my husband writes me a little good morning message every single morning but today he did not. I was not worried until he still had not responded to my messages until around noon. I thought that maybe something happened to him – simply because I am so used to this routine of him saying “Bonjour mom amour” every single morning. I believe in souls – and that we all do have one.

For my husband and I it feels that our lives and souls have been intertwined for quite some time now – almost four years and we have already accomplished so much. Time seriously flies. We were set out on a grand adventure from the beginning and I do not want to miss one single day of our past. It was perfect in its own little way. From restaurants where we sat until they closed and threw us out, to New York subway tunnels to discover something new and to eventually explore New York City in its entirety. Museums, Broadway shows, French restaurants or just sitting in a park doing nothing but reading which was my favorite thing by far. Street art and great music, all these long nights out to discover us. And then the baby we created.  😀 Perfection!

Through all the magnificent and sometimes also hard times we found strength in each other and we grew. Grew together. Sometimes I cannot fathom how much we have done so far in these couple of years and how much we have actually grown.

I am looking forward to the future and all that we were, all that we are and all that we are becoming. Always and forever mon amour. It is still hard for me to realize that I have found such a kindred spirit to walk beside. Awesomeness! Life with you is truly magic.

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A Jar of Jam

Usually whenever I am traveling and leaving my parents’ place my mom makes sure I take a jar of jam with me. I believe to most people this would be weird – a jar of jam, or two – but to me it is always so much more. To just get a little idea about this jam-thing is to understand her way of saying that she loves me.  I see my mom picking all the berries from the bushes or trees when it is time to harvest – then proudly going to the kitchen and cooking the best jam ever is amazing. The way she washes the berries first, weighing and measuring all the ingredients will always be familiar; as the smell that flows through the house when the jam cooks is. And of course we always tried the jam with a slice of bread when it was still too hot to eat. 🙂

Then she gives me the nicest jar to take on my flight to wherever. How it is always important for her to make sure my family and I have always fresh sheets, towels, simply fresh everything when we come to stay. With me currently living here of course nothing has changed. Sometimes the feeling is just me reverting back to being 12-years-old when I am here. Of course I am grown up and the situation with me living at my parents place for so long now is definitely not normal but we arranged for the time being let’s say. I know I am their grown daughter and a wife and adult with a child and that this living situation will not be forever. But just the thought that they offered to help me and make me more comfortable I will never ever forget. And I have been telling them that I am very grateful for what they did for me and petit Joel so far; also for my husband when he visited.

It is also nice to see that every time my younger brother is here my dad makes sure his car is all checked before he leaves again. Tapes and fixes it, and fills some oil in here and there. All sparkle and shine. It is the cutting out of any “Sudoku” from the newspaper for him because he loves to solve them.  And the coffee that my mom always makes fresh whenever he wakes up.

Also when my younger sister comes home to visit they take care of her as well. And if it is just by taking her two kids for a couple of hours so she can relax and have a drink outside on the terrace with me at night. 🙂 Also how they let all of us know whenever they see, hear, or read anything that could be of interest to us; call with traffic updates or when they always say “call when you get home and be careful driving”.

These are my parents.  They show us that they love us verbally but also through actions. I have never realized this too much when I grew up because it seemed just “normal” but now since I moved away, came back, all grown up as a mother I can see and understand all this even better. I have been thinking today that becoming a parents after I have been parented all my life is pretty weird. When I grew up I had all these guidelines, models of what to do and what not to do or even more how to figure out how to solve something and what being a good parents looks like. All this knowledge I gained I have to apply to myself and my son now if I wish to do so.  Maybe just some of it – whatever I like best.

I have been thinking about the parent I want to be and the parent I currently am. I thought of my son and how he is growing up – and how  he at some point might look back at me as his mom and at the way I love him and did things for him. And most importantly I want for him to look back at his childhood and just feel happiness. Just remembering the smell of this glass of jam. All of these little things in our daily life like I have his banana in the morning sliced up, his apple juice mixed with water ready when he is having breakfast. All these routines that make him happy. Read to him every night and make sure he has his teddy when he curl up in bed – big love, little actions. 😀

A glass of jam, this all so familiar smell in the kitchen when my mom cooks it – I am looking forward to all these  things I can show my son and this will roll into the larger story of this unconditional love I have for him.