.SOMETIMES RAW.

“As different as my friends may be, to me, friendship is to feel safe with someone.” – Amy Fuller

I had a conversation with a friend about relationships, marriages, and male/female friendships and if this is a thing because it is sort of one decidedly divided topics in our “this or that” society. Is trusting our significant other if they go out with a girlfriend/boyfriend the same as if someone says they don’t eat cake? Can we trust a person who doesn’t eat cake? Obviously, I am kidding about cake (I am really not, though), but it is always surprising to see the differences in opinions and mannerisms, especially when dealing with matters of gender. So, the question: Can men and women really just be friends? Is that a thing?

Usually, when popping a question like this, there are the emphatic yes’s, hard no’s, and bouts of yelling when the person is clearly upset. It is difficult to find someone who has never had romantic feelings for a friend, have had a friend have romantic feelings for them, or had a “just friends” relationship turned into an affair. Of course, this is not the case with every friendship. Realistically, there is no definite answer and saying this seems like taking the easy way out. Usually, asking any human if they think men and women can just be friends, their reaction will be based on their own experiences. My take on all this is that men and women can exist as platonic friends, but the key is that they both have to want it. They both have to respect perpetual boundaries and draw lines in the sand, as well as each others’ partners without crossing any emotional or physical intimacy lines. There has to be some sort of agreement I guess.

The issue is that sometimes the lines can cross. We are human and will never feel the exact same way about a person over time. Things change. Situations change. In my opinion, the longer a friendship lasts, the higher the chance those lines in the sand are wiped away. I believe with age our friendship circles begin to dwindle so that only the truly fortified relationships remain. And our friends are more trusted and highly regarded. With this trust, we are able to share more intimate knowledge without feeling as though a boundary has been crossed. As far as physical boundaries, there may be a higher chance of being crossed earlier on because in said “early friendship” you don’t have much to lose by going for it.

When you had a negative experience with men and women existing as friends, it will obviously always be difficult to form an unbiased opinion. To me, it is a “maybe” because character traits are never one-size-fits-all, and neither are friendships, no matter what they look like at the moment. What feels normal for A doesn’t necessarily feel normal for B.

To me, friendship always comes first and then a relationship may develop over time. To me, friendship is about making each other comfortable, protecting and celebrating each other. It means safety and ease and that at times I can feel like I/we don’t have to do anything. We can just make an event out of spending time together. Sitting in the kitchen talking, no pressure- just chilling and no fancy dinner involved.

This is what I desire in a friend/relationship:

Candour: Some of my friendships run pretty deep and I take them seriously. What I love about those small amount of friends, and how they differ from anybody else is how candid and raw I can be. There is no limit to what I talk about, or how much of myself I reveal.

Depth: There is a difference between a friendly conversation and a real conversation. For true friendship, people need to be current in my life. There are also there to champion me, to give advice and one of the greatest underpinnings of those friendships is that they want to see me succeed. Real friends simply should be interested in my life and what I am up to (maybe read my blog, talk about my books, etc. This is what I would do, too.)

Quality Time: With social media, it is easy to call someone my friend. I know that there is still nothing better than spending time with someone in real life. I honestly interact with all (92) my Facebook friends.

Trust/Listening/Sharing: A true friend is going to give me an honest opinion, and because I trust them, there is a certain level of comfort with that honesty. I am able to be myself and vulnerable and know they will be, too.

The real friends: I can meet those after even a long period of time has passed and we can pick up right where we left off. Those are probably the most important friendships I have because there is something between me and them that is strong enough to withstand the time or distance passed. I desire those friendships that see me through different phases in my life.

Seeing the person as they are: Friendship means providing support and love for who the person truly is and not who I think they are or I want them to be. Everyone has their flaws and I would rather see the them than an idealized version of me.

In the end, communication is key but the goal is to listen to yourself.

“Does this all make sense,” I asked myself the other day. Why are certain things in life so complicated and take so much time? Is it a “patience-test”? I cannot say I have always done the most sensible thing, made the safest choices or kept quiet until I was sure of what I had to say. However, usually, I am very German when it comes to those things. I prefer Pro and Con lists and to write things down, mentally or on paper, before I speak them out loud. I am the unwitting architect of my life and these days I build it like a swaddle, some sort of blanket wound firmly around the decisions I have made. A perfect mold for the person I thought I would always be. For myself and my son. I build this protection to hold me still, to keep my feet planted exactly where I am. I build it to weather change, to withstand all the external uncertainties that might seep through and drown my sense of stability and certainty.

I am strong. I got this. That is why I never expected a leak to come from the inside. It caught me by surprise. Suddenly, the other day, I found myself underwater. Thrown in a new situation where things seem more complicated than I anticipated and expected. Everything that seemed nice and colorful now looks blurry, like if I am missing something even though I haven’t lost anything. Like I need something even though I have everything I need like no one “gets” me even though I am surrounded by people who know me. A lot has changed recently and I have to adjust and so does my son. Things go smoothly but the next day they don’t. I feel I am different and new pieces of the puzzle have started to crystallize. I am also reading A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. Not an easy read I have to admit but mindblowing.

I have also experienced this frustration that certain people do not listen to what I have to say, do not want to understand and make things very complicated. They don’t ask the questions necessary and won’t help me in a seemingly never-ending process. It occurred to me that I was the one who had fanned out the clues to a new self, only to hold them against my chest again like a cryptic deck of cards. I have this urgency to put words to it all here but it is all stuck like a lozenge in my throat even though I desperately need air to breathe.

I guess we repeat stories about ourselves to make sense of our wolds. The stories I have told myself so far is, that I am a good person. I do the right things for my son and I. I do take risks (a pretty high risk moving to Vienna), I am a good daughter, an uncomplicated girlfriend, I am overall a happy person but these days the shape of my future is not obvious and not in my hand. And I hate this. I sound strangely discordant now, as if out of tune with my current self. I want to feel understood. I want decisions to be made. I want security and safety in my life but I have built this new situation (or fort) to hold me still. And my son. To face what will happen next. And to give him security; the security he needs.

My mind clamours to dismiss the suspicion. We most likely won’t have health insurance by the end of the month which is a scary thought or is it nothing more than a passing whiff of the classic late-thirty identity crisis trope? However, it is not just about me alone anymore. There is this little guy who keeps following me around for the past six years. There are days when I duck my head and cover my ears and wait for it to blow over so I can wrap myself back inside the life that used to fit me so comfortably. That would certainly be easier, but my body slowly knows the truth, pricking tears into the corner of my eyes whenever another curveball hits me. Some days I spike with adrenaline every time I probe a little further while vibrating with an unbearable hunger to have someone hold my deck of cards in their hands and nod, gently, in recognition. Someone who takes this ship safely to the next harbor.

I always keep things together while asking myself how sometimes. I built this new life for us to keep my feet planted exactly where I am. My new fort is solid, holds me still and makes this new life seem strong even though there are tiny cracks in the wall. And yet, as uncertain and confusing as it all seems, as disorienting as it feels, a curious thrill pulses in my chest. With a thud, it tells me I cannot unknow what I know now. I cannot change people and how they act. But I can give myself permission to chase growth and stability. “Everything will be fine”, I told my son while we strolled down the path looking for flowers.

My friend no longer remembers how or when the table leg broke, she just knows that it has been months since it happened. This means that is has been months since her husband said he would fix it. And every time she tries to remind him about it, she hears the echoes of thousand soap-opera- wives nagging their husbands to fix things. She could fix the leg herself, she is fully capable, but it is a matter of principle now, so she refuses. It is currently stacked up on Ernest Hemingway’s A Farewell to Arms (my heart bleeds), which seems as good a solution as any. Apart from, you know, fixing it. During a recent argument about who-can-remember-what, she yelled out something along the lines of: “You are asking me to trust you, but you have been saying you are going to fix that table leg for HOW long now?” “You think I am untrustworthy because of a table?” he yelled back. “You would think I cheated on you or something!” “Wait, I didn’t say anything about cheating, ” she said. [This could turn into another screenplay I think!]

I have been thinking a lot about that exchange lately, and what it says about how trust is built and understood in relationships. Not just romantic ones, but friendships, familial relationships, and professional ones, too. What do we really need in order to trust someone?

I read Gary Chapman’s 1995 bestseller “The Five Love Languages” many years ago. When this book got published, the concept of love language has gone mainstream and found its way into countless shows and discussions. The idea that questions like “Have you eaten?” or comments like “Don’t forget your umbrella!” can be accurately translated as “I love you” has historically seemed too obvious to me to merit further analysis, but I had not thought much about applying the love language concept to trust. Fixing the table leg would have fallen under Chapman’s “Acts of Service” category for ways of expressing love, I guess.

Categories? Chapman suggests five love languages in his theory: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. (You can take the quiz here!) I read the book so I would say my friend’s husband would be Words of Affirmation and Quality Time, whereas hers would be Acts of Service. But does it work to apply them this way? I am rather skeptical when it comes to those “quizzes” even though they seem interesting. And are acts of service necessary to build trust? Did my friend really not trust her husband because he hadn’t fixed the table?

Short answer: Yeah, kinda. But to say “I don’t trust my husband” – or even to think it – feels wrong. To me, lack of trust is a marriage-ender or at least a serious warning sign. To me, love cannot exist without trust! However, if you asked me to make a list of people I love, it would be much longer than the list of people I trust. Love can happen unintentionally, but can trust? Not so much. Almost everyone I know has had some sort of a table-leg or cashmere sweater fight. But haven’t we made a lot of progress in our understanding of love and hasn’t Erich Fromm showed us The Art of Loving? The Disney-version of a magical force that rewards perfect beings with perfect partners and terminally happy endings leaves its fingerprints on all of us. But we have to acknowledge that love is hard and not a state of grace to be achieved and forever enjoyed if we don’t do something for and about it. So, here is another question: If we can acknowledge that love is a verb and something that we can choose to cultivate or neglect, then why shouldn’t the same be possible for trust?

If you ever had a relationship of any length, you probably won’t be surprised to hear that the fight about the table leg was not actually about the table leg. If you didn’t, let me enlighten you so you will learn for life. It is the fight about the object or obligation that has become so fraught with emotional baggage that it no longer makes logical sense and needs some work in order for the real issue to be revealed. Applying this knowledge to my friend’s “table- leg-situation”, the fight was not about cheating but because she told him the neglected table leg eroded her trust in him, and if the trust was the issue, then his fidelity must be in question. She hasn’t questioned his loyalty, she just wanted him to do the thing he said he was going to do. Clearly, they weren’t speaking the same language, but at least they knew they were both talking about trust.

With all this in mind, I did some reading, mindfulness, and meditation to find solutions that I can apply to my life. People, of course, have their own definitions of everything, including trust. Culture and how we are raised are a big part of how we understand trust, as well as individual understandings, the society around us, and personal values all play into our personal definitions. From my experience, to build more trust in relationships, self-knowledge is a necessary step. By looking at past relationships I can see a pattern. Usually, all my relationships started to deteriorate when someone lied or tried to hide things (like the cellphone is epoxied to the partner and he constantly writes with others but makes a secret out of it).

Of course, my experience is not the only one that matters. Neither is my definition of things and situations. It is important to figure out what the other person needs to build trust, and is willing to invest in the relationship. I also realize I have to do a lot more work in fully trusting again. But I know someone who is worth it.