.SOMETIMES RAW.

*My red and green flags in relationships and in life. Those who get it, get it. Those who don’t are probably added to the red flag list.

You’ve probably had a friend who started dating someone who really made you scratch your head. The person was flaky, possessive, and high-drama. Everyone could see that it was toxic and really bringing your friend down…everyone, that is, except your friend.

You tell yourself, “That would never happen to me.”

But then it does.

What gives? How do people end up in unhealthy relationships despite warning signs that their partner was bad news to begin with?

Answer: we’re blinded by love.

I am by far not a pro when it comes to dating. I also have done a lot of stupid shit in my life and seen a lot of bullshit in other people’s relationships and marriages but ever since my frontal lobe started developing after my divorce, I have been keeping a running list of things that help me gauge who is cool and who is someone I would have to pay an energy healer to help me cut energy ties from.

I don’t think it is easy to date or meet someone who is not a psycho killer, cheater, alcoholic, homeless guy, still lives with their parents by age 45, has never had a relationship by age 45, doesn’t understand that it is not cool to be stoned all day every day, doesn’t know what a book is… I could go on and on. So, to make it easier for you to date someone and don’t make my mistakes, here is a list of possible red flags. And of course, also some green flags to round it all up. I am just throwing it out there. These tips might come in handy when you decide to hang out with “Mango 87” on Tinder whose hobby it is to go out to get f***ing trashed every day.  

.Green Flags – Go Ahead and Date this Person.

1. Date the person if they have traits such as tact, respect, honesty, self-care, communication skills, avoidance of being overly emotional, being honest with themselves, setting boundaries, and good connections with family and friends; if you can be yourself without playing some dumb role or being fake, and if you are being able to communicate your own needs!
2. Date a person who is listening to a great song in the car and they will pull up to their destination but wait till the song’s finished to go inside. I trust you fully understand the way you move through the world.
3. Date a person who is confident enough and pays no mind to the fact that I’m wearing vintage lingerie as an outfit at like 11 am for some reason. In other words, let me be myself.
4. Date a person who appreciates good food and makes a badass brunch on Sunday morning. Date someone who eats cake with you at all times. Or ice cream. Or chocolate. Watch out for eating disorders!
5. Date someone who you feel comfortable with at all times.
6. Date people who let you be yourself and respect your boundaries.
7. Date people who give you space for your individual goals and interests, separate from each other.
8. Date people who give you a mutual physical and emotional connection.
9. Watch out if words and actions match and if the person takes responsibility for their actions.
10. Date people who respect you and your wants and needs as well as an understanding towards each other’s perspectives (even if you disagree)
11. Date a person who is able to openly discuss goals, values, and needs.
12. Date someone who looks for a commitment to the relationship, in both time and energy. Unless you just want sex. Then obviously this is what you will get.
13. Date someone who respecs you! Respecting each other is so important (and being able to express this to each other).
14. Date someone who will give you balance (you get energy from spending time together and apart).

.Red Flags – Do NOT Date this Person Unless You Love To Suffer.

I don’t want to narrate all the obvious red flags here but I sort of have to because some people accept crazy shit like below on a daily basis from their partners. Stay far away from anyone who shows 1)overly controlling behaviour, 2) lack of respect or trust, 3) Lack of emotional support and accountability, 4) any kind of abuse/ substance abuse, 5) codependency!!!, 6) social isolation, 7) inability to communicate freely, or 8) love bombing when it seems like too much affection from the start or being overly jealous… to name just a few that popped up in my little head.

When navigating the complexities of all this, your instincts act as a vital compass. Often, we ignore these gut feelings, swayed by a new partner’s charm and initial appeal. But these instincts are a critical safeguard and want you to be safe. Initially, everyone places their best foot forward. Nonetheless, pay attention if there’s an unshakable feeling of discomfort or unease. If it feels weird, it usually is! Don’t date this person if…

1. If they are in Federal Prison for Murder. Also, don’t be the pen pal.
2. Lying.
3. When nothing is ever the person’s fault but always yours. ESPECIALLY when it comes to past relationships. If everyone they ever dated was an asshole…you’re just the next in line to be the “asshole”.
4. they have no self-confidence.
5.  People who trash “live laugh love” and who are miserable all the time.
   There’s nothing I wish more than to live, to laugh, and to love. Do I like people who are reminding themselves of what life is all about? Yes! These are all great aspirations and I will defend them until I become them one day.
6. People who consistently take neutral stances in important debates. One time I was in a heated debate with someone over how Romano cheese is actually more delicious than Parmesan and when someone at our table I didn’t really know chimed in and said, “I don’t have an opinion, it’s just cheese.” First of all, JUST CHEESE??? Second, it’s never just cheese, the world is apathetic and boring enough.
7. They sign off their emails with “cheers”. I will not be elaborating on this at this time.
8. People who always and only wear Crocs, don’t eat vegetables, majored in psychology, people who think all water tastes the same, people who take ten years to respond to a text or don’t call back, people who have more than three cups and three plates on their bed in the bedroom with ants crawling all over it,

To sum this up, remember that you can’t force your partner to change; the change has to come from within and if they want to. Also, problems that you notice at the beginning of a relationship tend to amplify themselves as the relationship deepens. Knowing that your judgment is clouded, it’s important to enter any serious relationship with both your head and your heart.

You need to be able to distance yourself from the powerful emotions you’re likely feeling in a new relationship so that you can notice any red flags that might indicate that you’re destined for a relationship from hell. This is even more important if you’re considering marriage. I hope this helps.

And that’s it for now — but I am more than willing to add your green/ red flags if you share them here and they make sense. What do you think?? What are yours?

Stay safe out there and happy dating.

SEAN: Happy Monday, everyone. This is me, your boss, pretending that the beginning of your fifty-hour work week is a good thing. It isn’t. I will now ask about everyone’s weekend and say, “Hope no one did anything I wouldn’t do.” This won’t make sense, as I’m the most boring person here. Also, we have to discuss budget cuts. This is really important. Now, I’m going to throw things over to our office manager, Kevin.

KEVIN: Let’s kick things off with this week’s calendar. As you can see, we’re up to our eyeballs with work, but I will ask everyone to stretch their bandwidth and reach goals so unachievable that they’ll strain each of our marriages.

STEPHANIE: I am in HR. I smile too much and have a strange energy about me. When someone brought up the last party with management and laughs and rolls the eyes about what I did I just say, “Once you see me, you never really forget me.”

MARK: HELLO. I’M THE GUY IN EVERY MEETING WHO HAS NO CONTROL OVER HIS VOICE OR WHAT I SAY BUT I WANT TO SOUND IMPORTANT. YOU CAN SEE ALL OF MY TEETH WHEN I TALK. WHEN I LAUGH, I SLAM MY HANDS ON THE DESK LIKE A GAVEL. IT’S LIKE I’M THE JUDGE OF GIGGLES.

HOLLY: Hey, I am the new office intern. A single conversation with me will make you feel as old as Christ himself. I am a reminder that my generation is on the brink of replacing you. When you mention a skill that took you years to master, I’ll mention that it took me a week. You’ll look at me and see an hourglass. And with each drop of sand, you draw closer to total and complete irrelevance.

ADAM: I am in data and research. I have a Windows laptop and will always find a moment to explain why these computers are superior. I am here to present a slideshow so dull that it legally counts as melatonin.

CHASE: I am the marketing manager, and I only speak—and make love—in business jargon. Per my last email, let’s revisit those deliverables and double-check that we have all our ducks in a row before going to market. Speaking of the market, I wonder if we can get a top-down view of Holly’s new blouse. I’m also sexually inappropriate. Shouldn’t we discuss budget cuts? I love your skirt, Holly.

DENISE: Sorry to cut in, but I’m from PR, and I wanted to say that beginning next week, each of you will be forced to complete sexual harassment surveys. Each one will be ninety minutes long and difficult to navigate. There will be so many buttons that do absolutely nothing. Don’t even bother trying to minimize the screen or mute the video. Those buttons have been reprogrammed to fire you. Also, there will be eight hours of mandatory in-person training for everyone coming up next week.

GRANT: I am from IT. For some reason, I am allowed to dress far more casually than everyone else here. I’ll begin by stressing the importance of updating various apps and the consequences of not doing so. Failure to complete these updates will make my job incredibly difficult. I am not exaggerating when I say I will be up for days fixing these issues. My wife will consider terminating our marriage because I won’t be able to see my family—

KENDALL: My position in the company is nebulous. This intimidates everyone. Despite it only pertaining to one person in this room, I’m going to stay on a specific topic for twenty minutes. Our inside jokes will soar right over everyone’s heads. By the end, you will wonder why this person and I didn’t have an entirely separate meeting. To make matters worse, they are calling in via video call.

MICHAEL (over video call): Hello! Hello? As you can see, I’m (dog barks in background) working from home today. Now, let me be the first to say budget cuts aren’t fun and the last management party—

(Static.)

MARK: HELLO? MICHAEL? CAN YOU HEAR US? I AM SHOUTING TO THE HEAVENS. SEE ALL MY TEETH?

(Screen goes black.)

SEAN: Well, looks like we lost him. I will worsen the mood by saying this is exactly why we should be back in the office five days a week. People will not look me in the eye after this meeting.

BRIAN: I am the office jokester. Here comes something unfunny. People will laugh out of courtesy. This will encourage me and extend my reign as the most insufferable person here.

SEAN: Good one, Brian. Now, if we can circle back to what I said at the top, we can get things moving along… The budget cuts we still need to discuss. What? It’s been forty-five minutes already? Well, it looks like we’re staying longer, folks.

It felt good to be back in New York City for a visit. Even though it was mostly workrelated there was still enough time to explore and catch up with a plethora of bookstores, museums, and shows. Of course, many bookstores were on my list and I purchased a bunch of books as well. Too many, but still ok since they all fit in one suitcase. One of my beloved authors, Helene Hanff, lived in New York so I want to write about it first. Helene’s description of NYC made me long to go and explore this city again.

When I think of literary New York I think of Helene Hanff. The diminutive author of the literary classic 84, Charing Cross Road is the definitive New Yorker, despite being born in Pennsylvania. Helene became the voice of America, and more importantly New York, to all of England when she published her correspondence between herself and Frank Doel, the British book seller, in 84, Charing Cross Road. The book changed her life. Helene was finally able to visit England and do the type of long dead literary stalking I dream to do in New York. She also saw her life transferred to radio, television, film, and stage (realizing her lifelong dream of being a playwright). And as a side note, also a bit ironic for someone who didn’t like the limelight and even hated having her picture taken.

In her seminal book there was a connection forged between a store in England and a home in New York, a home which she mentions is “a real apartment with real furniture” which she moved into “AFTER September 1 [1956], 305 East 72nd St., New York, N.Y.” She bought into this little apartment before it was even built, sadly she couldn’t very well afford this Upper East Side location today. Charing Cross House, named after her book, is located at East 72nd Street and 2nd Avenue, there’s a plaque and everything! Why does this apartment hold such fascination for me? Because my favorite book of Helene’s is actually a collection of five minute radio pieces she did for the BBC’s Women’s Hour Broadcast called Letters from New York. In it we get a glimpse of Helene’s day to day life. How she walked around the block every night with the apartment’s dogs. How the building wasn’t just part of a neighborhood, it was a community, a city entire onto itself within one of the greatest cities in the world. 

And the closeness of Central Park was just an added bonus. If you continue from Helene’s apartment on 72nd street westward five blocks later you will enter the park at the 72nd street entrance. Here is the little conservatory where people sail their model boats, made famous by such books as Stuart Little. Here you can see the statue of Hans Christian Anderson reading, usually being climbed on by children, or literary geeks (like me) who have always been susceptible to climbing on public art (or touching it). If you infer that that is me I shall not correct you. And just to the north of the water feature is one of my favorite places in central park, the statue of Alice in Wonderland. The fact that I love and enjoy a place that also resonated with Helene brings me more joy then you can imagine. 

If you were to continue going north on East Drive, past Alice, you will hit the 79th Street Transverse. Back in 2005 when I went to New York several times the 79th Street Transverse was my path from the West Side to the MET. I wish I had taken a little more time examining the surroundings then just using it as a conduit. At the foot of the Belvedere Castle there is a little garden. If I had but done more then just glimpse at the wooden fencing I might have learned that this is Shakespeare’s Garden. Helene adored this garden because it contains every flower mentioned in the works of Shakespeare.

In Letter from New York Helene mentions how her heart broke when the garden fell into disrepair. But New Yorkers love Central Park, as it’s basically their communal backyard, so some industrious New Yorkers took to restoring it. Though the restorers weren’t able to get all the plants because many were only available in England. This is where Helene’s listeners came in. They heard the broadcast and inundated the little rescue project with seeds and flowers to restore the garden to it’s previous glory.  Since then the little garden has remained in good repair, with new walkways and even bronze plaques with quotes from the Bard littering the pathways. So as you luxuriate in the beauty, take a moment to remember Helene, a true original who contributed more to literature and New York then most know. 

Below are some pictures from my trip if you would like to see.

Strand Bookstore. The one and only. Where books are loved.

St. Pauls Cathedral

Tired but happy in the middle of the concrete jungle.

Tesla.

MOMA and Jackson Pollock. My favorite Museum – especially the 4th and 5th floor.

Barnes and Noble at Union Square. Bliss.

Tudor Gotham City and the UN in the background.

Grand Central Station.

Bryant Park and Empire State Building.

Chryler Building.

Chrylser Building and I.

Spooky Tudor City Park – Find the Huge Rats. Nasty.