.SOMETIMES RAW.

Of course the time in Germany flew by in a heartbeat. I always know this before I even get here. I want to meet so many friends, want to talk to everyone and spend time with them but it is not possible. I just unpacked my suitcase and it is time to arrange all the things I purchased/received as intelligently as possible to make this thing close up again. 

I cannot even describe the endlessly long number of thoughts that are going through my head right now. The car ride tomorrow to the airport, our stay at the hotel, the flight and so much more but I can deal with it. I always figure out a way. You know why? Because I have to and things will be okay. And if they won’t, I will rearrange everything and make it work again. There are only solutions even though I don’t see them right away. 

I felt emotional for two days now and it is strangely always the same painful phenomenon. Saying goodbye to my family is never easy. I just know I am and have been at a very peaceful, loving, good place. My home base, which is a place where I don’t have to worry about anything really. Not that my life was bad before but being with my family is extra special. Maybe you can relate or know what I am talking about. My brother was here too, so it has been especially great. Really awesome and good conversations. Things are never perfect, but it felt pretty close to it. It has been a, for me, pretty long time since we have all seen each other last. 

Saying goodbye to my grandparents every time does not get easier either. They are old, they have their health issues. Will I ever see them again? We talk on the phone or via Skype (82/92 year-olds are using Skype, too!)  every week usually but this is not the same than of course talking in person. I was thankful to have spent some time with them while I was here. I am just continuing to put my positive energy out there by thinking positive thoughts and things. Everything will be okay. We will be fine. I simply have to take out the negativity and sadness of leaving my base behind, hah! Easier said then done but I focus on my health first, Petit Joel, on the next semester, meeting friends again and how everything just always goes on somehow. 

My life is no way how I ever planned it to be. The only thing I always knew was that I don’t want to be stuck here in Coburg. I wanted to see the world, explore, experience, travel. Things did not change so far. However, there is a price to pay, in this case that I won’t be able to stop by for a cup of coffee at my mom’s kitchen. I made all type of plans but life threw curveball at me left and right. Things changed. I adapted. And now I live in Canada and I love and adore it even though it is freaking cold, eh! This is my life. My new life. With no family around but this is what I chose. I am here now, open,  present and grateful for what I achieved. Grateful for the relationships in my life, especially the ones that open up my mind to new insights and helping me to embrace ideas and thoughts. As I said, I am adapting, and I already found a new favorite  bookstore and new books that fall into my hands which makes it all okay. 

Even though my heart is aching thinking about leaving  tomorrow, I know that I don’t want to change this wild, somewhat uncertain and crazy life of mine ever. I am beating the German “Angst” and look beyond security and safety and take a shot on this crazy life and what it entails. And I will be back. No matter what. 

Today, by mom, brother, Petit Joel and I sat in a café and I saw a framed picture of this African proverb: “It takes a village to raise a child” and it made us all think about it.  I could not really connect with this phrase. I asked my mom, “Do they really mean a village? Is a village really necessary?” 

I remember when I was pregnant with Petit Joel, I was so worried about doing everything “right”. Does breastfeeding work? Do I need to cloth-diaper instead of using regular ones? Will I ever sleep again through the night? And this thought that I just gave birth to this little human being overwhelmed me. Doctors and nurses helped me in the beginning. So, it takes a village, eh? 

While we drank our coffees and ate our cakes we thought about how important this “village” actually is or how important this role of others becomes when raising a child. Integrating and including my family after the birth was very helpful and I have to thank my parents again and again that they were/are 100% behind me throughout all these years. Germany and my parents home is the place where Petit Joel grew up and enjoyed the first 2 1/2 years of his life. But imagine a village? I had friends, too. Real friends who experienced the same sleepless nights, the same pregnancy nightmares and the same struggles a mother faces – especially in the beginning of this never-ending job being a mom. Friends who shared tears and laughter throughout it all. As time went on, I realized how great this support is. The human interaction because as mothers, we are in this together. [On a side note: I heard somebody say today (a man), that he needs some time for himself after being with his 4 year-old son all week long. He said he is exhausted. Duh! Welcome to the mother-world, my friend! This is what we deal with all the time, sometimes secretly asking for some time off wiping away a tear or two!!]

When I found some mom-friends in Germany I moved. And moved again. I had to find new ones, which turns out to be quite difficult for me. Remember Milo’s mom? Since Joel is in Kindergarten, I am in touch with other mothers constantly. I am indeed open for anything new. We talk, we joke, but there are these certain type of mom’s and I just think, “Yep, this is her. She is the one. I want to hang out with her for sure!” The one who understands you and your feelings, when your three year-old throws tantrums, tries to hit you at the toy store because you told him it is time to go home. The one who comes over with a bottle of wine, some cheese and you talk for hours and create a safe child-free zone for a couple of hours. This mom, who still knows other things to talk about than diapers and children. Books for example. Or a great movie. But I am also good on my own. I take Petit Joel to the library, to the theater or endless walks downtown. But with this one mom I met, things opened up. Together, we met other mom’s who are like us and suddenly we had a little group. These moms who figure out this “raising-a-child-thing” together and succeeding more or less one day at a time. These conversations, playdates, coffee shop visits and walks in the park are exactly what I need. We all agree that the drunk dinosaur-lady from the playground is the best entertainment for any child’s birthday party. We all have her business card!

 Is this my village?  The woman at the bakery who teaches him to say “Thank you” after he receives a cookie because he forgot to say it? The mailman who shows him where he keeps all the mail in the truck, while the garbage truck driver explains how they empty the garbage cans? Petit Joel smiles, he listens, he learns. 

But what I love the most is my family and to have them close by these days – my parents and grandparents. To see my brother or sister play with Petit Joel, teach him soccer for hours or show him how to draw a scary dragon. My grandparents come over and teach Petit Joel how the game “memory” works. He learns, he listens. I know I have my family to lean on. This feeling that I can go out at night with a friend and leave Petit Joel with my parents without ever having the feeling that I owe them something in return or that I need to worry. We are family. This is what you do for each other. We stand behind each other no matter what. These people lift me up when I am down, too and I would do the same for them. Having a “support-team” is important because it is tough doing it all on your own. I don’t think anybody really can. 

While I am typing all this, I am sitting in my parent’s kitchen with my brother – both sharing a box of tissues, tons of nose spray while fighting these cold-germs hard in a sneezing competition. Earlier, my mom took Petit Joel to bed and he is peacefully asleep. This is my village. This is my family. My base. 

“Any old fool can find something to moan about, but it takes skill and effort to see the good in life. Being happy requires strength and intelligence.” – Gala Darling

What does our true deep self long for? Is it our awareness and somehow the acknowledgment for existence or our attention? Personally, I believe, self-love sounds good, doesn’t it? But what does it all mean? Don’t we all strive to be happy and be the best version of our self? And how can we achieve this? 

Many people think that they need to buy certain things or even look a certain way to be happy. I reckon, whenever it comes to true self-love we have to dig a little deeper. The more time I spend by myself and pay attention the clearer the picture gets. 

I have spoken to a bunch of friends in the last couple of days and I realized that some of them are very unhappy with their life, circumstances and choices they made. I read excerpts of this little book that my mom gave me the other day and combined this knowledge with some notes I jotted down after conversations with people. Here is the translated list from the book to be truly unhappy:

1. Always expect that others make you happy
2. Always blame others for your misfortune
3. Always say, “coulda, would, shoulda”, whenever the topic is time, money or friends
4. Always compare what you have with what others have
5. Always be serious
6. Try to please everyone always
7. Don’t ever say, “No”! 
8. Always help others, but never let them help you
9. Always consider your own needs as unimportant
10. Whenever someone makes you a compliment, always play it down
11. Whenever someone criticizes you, blow it up to a ridiculous fight and argue
12. Always make sure you keep all your feelings and worries to yourself
13. Don’t ever change the way you are or your life
14. Don’t ever be satisfied with anything other than perfection 
15. Always spend all your time either in the past or in the future

It is always easier to be unhappy because misery is simple. I sometimes  allow my ego to focus on the negative and from there it goes all down. Meltdown. Even if someone says something and doesn’t even mean it in a negative way, I assume he/she attacks me in some way or another. The only thing that matters is my perspective on those things when I then decide if something is good or bad. Negativity or Optimism is a clear choice. So I just stop making excuses and start seeing things differently, even though when times are rough. 

Here is a also list of some amazing quotes I enjoy. Maybe you do, too. 

“Do stuff. Be clenched, curious. Not waiting for inspiration’s shove or society’s kiss on your forehead. Pay attention. It’s all about paying attention. Attention is vitality. It connects you with others. It makes you eager. Stay eager.”
—Susan Sontag

“I began to understand that all of life is practice: writing, driving, hiking, brushing teeth, packing lunch boxes, making beds, cooking dinner, making love, walking dogs, even sleeping. We are always practicing. Only practicing.”
—Dani Shapiro

“If you are gracious, you have won the game.”
—Stevie Nicks

“It’s interesting how we often can’t see the ways in which we are being strong — like, you can’t be aware of what you’re doing that’s tough and brave at the time that you’re doing it because if you knew that it was brave, then you’d be scared.”
—Lena Dunham

“To me it is really important to live in what I call the spaces in-between. Bus stations, trains, taxis or waiting rooms in airports are the best places because you are open to destiny, you are open to everything and anything can happen.”
—Marina Abramović

“I cured myself of shyness when it finally occurred to me that people didn’t think about me half as much as I gave them credit for. The truth was, nobody gave a damn. Like most teenagers, I was far too self-centered. When I stopped being prisoner to what I worried was others’ opinions of me, I became more confident and free.”
—Lucille Ball

“The most important relationship in your life is the one you have with yourself. Because no matter what happens, you will always be with yourself.”
—Diane von Furstenberg

“There is always something to do. There are hungry people to feed, naked people to clothe, sick people to comfort and make well. And while I don’t expect you to save the world I do think it’s not asking too much for you to love those with whom you sleep, share the happiness of those whom you call friend, engage those among you who are visionary and remove from your life those who offer you depression, despair and disrespect.”
—Nikki Giovanni

“Think of yourself like a captain, and you’ve got this little boat. And sometimes the weather’s good, and you’re just sailing, and sometimes big storms hit, and you know, you’re in a stormy sea, but just ride it out, ride it out. Because it’s good to be alive.”
—Patti Smith

“Once we give up searching for approval, we often find it easier to earn respect.”
—Gloria Steinem

“People think you have to know what you want to do with your life by the time you’re 19. Wrong! Or that you have to be in a significant relationship in your twenties. Wrong! It’s all just nonsense.”
—Tilda Swinton

“You must not quote to me what I once said. I am wiser now.”
—Romy Schneider