.SOMETIMES RAW.

*from a woman’s (my) perspective.

Forgive me, but being a guy is so easy. Purchase some Kiehl’s products, a little Bumble and Bumble in the hair, a nice coat, sunglasses, Chuck Taylors, and you are hot. Here is my incredible resumptuous guide to being an awesome guy, inside and out. Mostly out, for who am I to instruct you on inner improvement? Let me say here that if you are some kind of iconoclastic (a person who attacks settled beliefs) dude who goes by the beat of your own drum, you will find this insufferable. I totally understand this. But why are you reading this at all? Shouldn’t you be hiking the Appalachian Trail right now or something?

1. Buy a well-fitting coat from J. Crew. Or wait until Christmas sales are raging and buy a designer one. Black looks good on everyone (Obvious Law Enforcement) and matches everything, but charcoal grey is good, too. You can always look like a put-together Obama speechwriter with a classy coat. Oh, and get it cleaned once a year. Sounds prissy, but a good cleaning can return a coat to its true awesomeness, and make you look as snappy as you did on the first day you wore it.
2. Have a signature drink like James Bond. It is silly, but I am always so impressed if a guy has a cool to-to drink. Obviusols, if it has a ton of fancy ingredients, like puréed berries or whatever, you can look a little bit like a high-maintenance weirdo, so don’t do that. If you like Scotch, have a favourite brand. It makes you look all self-actualised and grown-up. (You don’t have to say your drink order with the theatrical panache of James Bond. That’s for close-ups.)
3. Own several pairs of dark-wash straight jeans. Don’t get bootcut, don’t ever get skinny (Leslie!) – just a nice pair of Levi’s, without any embellishments on the pockets. No embellishments anywhere. At all. Nothing. Oh my God.
4. Wait until all the women have gotten on or off an elevator before you get on or off. Look I am not some chivalry nut or anything, but this small act of politeness is very visual and memorable.
5. When you think a woman looks pretty, say it. But don’t reference the thing that might reveal you are aware of the backstage process: e.g., say, “You look gorgeous tonight,” not “I like how you did your makeup tonight.” Also, a compliment means less if you compliment the thing and not the way the woman is carrying it off. So say, “You look so sexy in those boots,” rather than “Those boots are really cool.” I didn’t make the boots! I don’t care if you like the boots’ design! We are magic to you: you have no idea how we got to look as good as we do.
6. Avoid asking if someone needs help in the kitchen or at a party, just start helping. Same goes with dishes. (Actually, if you don’t want to help, you should ask them if they need help. No self-respecting host or hostess will say yes to that question.)
7. Have one great cologne that is not from the drugstore. Just one. Wear very little of it (Leslie!), all the time. I cannot tell you how sexy it is to be enveloped in hug by a man whose smell you remember. Then, anytime I smell that cologne, I think of you. Way to invade my psyche, guy! Shivers down spine central! One more thing to mention here: Don’t stink. Shower, brush your teeth, use deodorant, smell nice.
8. Kiehl’s for your skin, Bumble and Bumble for your hair. Maybe a comb and a haircut. That is all you need. And when girls look in your medicine cabinet (which they will obviously do within the first five minutes of coming to your place), you will look all classily self-restrained because you will have only two beauty products. You are basically a cowboy which means hot.
9. I really think guys only need two pairs of shoes. (Sneakers to work out not counted). A nice pair of black shoes and a pair of Chuck Taylors. The key, of course, is that you need to replace your Chuck Taylors every single year. You cannot be lax about this. Those shoes start to stink like hell. They cost forty euros. You can afford a new pair every year. And if you cannot, why can’t you? Yo have much bigger problems. Stop reading this and go deal with them.
10. Bring wine or chocolate to everything. People love when guys do that. Not just because of the gift, but because it is endearing to imagine you standing in line at a delicatessen store before the party.
11. Get a little jealous now and again, even if you are not strictly a jealous guy. Too much, and it is frightening, but a possessive hand on her back at a party when your girlfriend looks super hot is awesome.

This should do it. I will show myself out.

Lack of communication.

They are facing opposite directions and neither of them feels like rolling over.

They could barely get into, and now can’t get out of, their pants.

They have been inhabiting the same physical space for many years and any sense of mystery or spontaneity has been sucked out of the room by their building’s recently improved air-filtration system.

They have yet to return to a consistent shower-every-day schedule.

The new season of Ozark /The Great British Bake Off /The Real Housewives of Literally Anywhere requires their immediate attention.

They didn’t realize the fetishes they were willing to entertain during the honeymoon phase would be lifelong commitments.

They are listing all the ways in which “sex is great, but have you tried…(reading a book instead)”

They already hit their move goal for the day.

It’s not date night.

They are drunk. Or one of them.

It’s date night, but wouldn’t it be more exciting if their sex didn’t feel so prescriptive?

They ordered and ate three pizzas before passing out on each other while watching a true-crime documentary.

It’s raining.

It’s sunny.

Masturbation is more efficient.

They are waiting for more advanced sex robots.

They injured themselves opening a bottle of wine and a can of olives.

They are binge-watching The Watcher and compared to the sexual energy of that couple, their level of attraction seems inadequate.

They are never not tired.

They think they have COVID.

Fuck, they most definitely have COVID.

Their pandemic puppy insists on watching and it’s freaking them out.

Their ongoing conversation about the irreversible destruction of the environment is terrible foreplay.

The constant threat of nuclear warfare is terrible foreplay.

Thinking about the next election is terrible foreplay.

Their fear of accidentally bringing a (another) child into this godforsaken world is greater than their faith in modern methods of contraception.

This weighted anxiety blanket is preventing them from climbing on top of each other.

Their are talking about why they are not having sex with their sex therapist.

They say, “We are definitely going to have sex tomorrow.”

Or other pets than dogs disrupt their sex life. Aka, weird excuses.

Miniature Pony

A miniature pony is the true neutral of sexual disruption. It is out in the yard, minding its business. It wants no part in your relations and, frankly, is a little affronted that you would even ask.

Hamster

Minor dysfunction may occur. Although hamsters generally keep to themselves, the sound of the hamster toiling away on its tiny treadmill can certainly kill the mood.

Parrot

It depends on the parrot. Some may vocalize their encouragement, but most do not. There once was a parrot who never spoke, only sneezed. It turned out there was no health concern; it was merely repeating the last vocal emissions of its previous owner, who had died of a sneezing fit many years before. This was known as the mystery of the sneezing parrot, and it cast all thoughts of lovemaking asunder.

Ferret

It’s not that ferrets do anything to deter copulation; it’s more that there is an actual ferret owner involved.

Cat

Cats came here to do two things: drink some beer and block some cock. And it looks like they’re all out of beer. But seriously, cats are passionate about nipping coitus in the bud. Scientists agree this is why they developed such a stealthy approach, so that a blast of tuna breath and those kneading little paws come out of nowhere, right at the worst moment.

Goldfish

Goldfish are a death sentence for sexual relations. Their glassy eyes follow you around, seeing what they see. Reflecting their uncanny visions and memories: childhood dreams mangled in the fun-house mirror of your disillusionment. If you can enjoy intimacy while a dead-eyed demon floats silently in the room, then your powers are mighty, and we salute you.

Farewell and good luck out there, lovers!

I practice Yoga for a long time and I love it. I love how it makes me feel, how flexible I am and how I can push my body to different levels. I also own three pairs of Yoga pants. Nothing fancy, nothing rainbowy or super bright colours. And I wear those when I attend a Yoga or Pilates class. I also own a couple of leggings. I do not wear those when I attend a Yoga or Pilates class. Why?

Simply because dear People who think leggings are pants: They are not pants. If they were, we would call them pants. But I want you to know this statement is coming from someone who owns about five pairs of leggings. I am not a hater of leggings. I wear them with skirts and dresses or underpants but, and this is crucial, never as pants. Why is that? Because leggings are not pants.

Tunics provide the one fashionable exception to my “leggings are not pants rule”. A tunic by definition is not quite a skirt, but longer than the average shirt. In fact, leggings and tunics are the perfect match, because the long hem on tunics bunches up over jeans with pockets and the fabric of corduroys creates friction as you walk that reduces the efficiency of movement. So a not-quite-dress tunic worn with definitely-not-pants leggings takes two questionable pieces of clothing and makes them exceptional. And this comes from me not having a clue about fashion.

To explore how other people feel about leggings I did an unscientific survey of my friends. The swift and decisive reaction was “Leggings are NEVER pants.” But this initial response modulated as the conversation evolved. Qualifiers were added when I pushed a little and asked, “yes, but why?” In the end, the poll was split precisely down the middle, half in favour of leggings in lieu of pants and half solidly in the never-as-pants category. Though at this point I started to think of it as more of a leggings and pants continuum.

Why do we love leggings so much? Even those who never wear them alone, still wear them. Leggings cling to us like a hug. They keep us warm and hold our curves without passing judgment on the second piece of cake. They are the Oprah Winfrey of our wardrobes telling us that anything is possible. They empower our movement by making a wide range of it accessible.

Leggings are a celebration of comfort culture. The culture that says, “I want to be comfortable above all else.” Sweatpants, yoga pants, leggings, jeggings, and flannel jammie pants all fall into this category of comfort fashion. All these articles of clothing have a place in our closets. Someday, I will tell you of my love for flannel pyjama pants, but they also fall into the not pants category beside leggings.

The very reasons leggings are wonderful — their comfort, casualness and stretch — are the very reasons why they shouldn’t be worn in public. Wearing them in public is an intimate act. They are too comfortable, and too stretchy. You’ve invited me into your bedroom and insisted on showing me all the hidden parts of yourself by wearing leggings. I’ve never been that good at intimacy with strangers.

Articles of clothing that fall into the not pants category, when worn at home or on the way to and from the gym, are perfectly acceptable. They don’t fall into the category of fashion so much as fulfil a practical role as the thing keeping you from being naked. You can’t wear jeans to the gym, or rather you can, but it gets weird and sweaty and you shouldn’t. Leggings allow for a range of movement that will keep you safe as you work out and provide mild compression to help muscles work with maximum efficiency. But while you need these qualities at certain, specific times, you don’t need a wide range of movement while walking the aisles of a grocery store or a restaurant.

A few men chimed in when I asked if leggings are pants, claiming they had no stake in the argument because they had never worn leggings before and why do we wear clothes at all? Indeed, we make our initial assessment of people based on their clothes, and plenty of value statements are being made about leggings even within the pages of this letter. What if men wore leggings in public as often as women did? Imagine it, the butter-soft fabric clinging to their junk, their T-shirts not quite covering their butts. Would the argument about leggings as pants change? Or are skinny jeans just leggings for men and if so, are skinny jeans pants?

When I queried my friends, “leggings as pants or leggings are never pants?” one said, “I like how they feel and I like how I look in them, so fuck everyone else.” Indeed. This eloquently argues that leggings are not pants, but who said we have to wear pants anyway?

A solid leggings-as-pants friend qualified her position that because she didn’t have a rocking butt, she needed to keep it covered. “But who says you don’t have a rocking butt or that you shouldn’t let your butt shine even if it isn’t rockin’?” I asked. “Touché.” She replied.

We need to be championing body positivity and fierceness in our fellow women. The movement could start with leggings. Women across the world will shout, “I will wear leggings as pants and damn the patriarchy.” It takes the qualifiers many people give to leggings as pants — only if they aren’t see-through, only if they are thick, quality fabric, only with long tops — and throws them out the window along with actual pants. These bold women are shouting, “We will wear any damn thing we please and call them pants.”

So, wear your leggings as pants, or don’t. Wear pantyhose and call them leggings, or don’t (actually, please don’t). If you can, say, look and feel like an Amazonian warrior goddess when you wear them, then I’m not going to stop you if you keep all this in mind.

These are some things my leggings whisper to me:

1. You’ve earned that second doughnut.

2. Your Fitbit will never understand you like I do.

3. No one’s noticed you’ve worn us every day for the last three weeks.

4. You haven’t gained two kilos this winter! Elastic waistbands are notoriously trustworthy.

5. We’re meant to double as pyjamas.

6. Sure, you can wear us to a wedding, you just need a blowout and the right accessories.