.SOMETIMES RAW.

What books have you read lately? I’ve just finished one book and even though it was 832 looong pages it was totally worth it…

After seeing endless glowing reviews (“It’s not hyperbole to call this novel a masterwork — if anything that word is simply just too little for it,” one proclaimed) and getting the same recommendation from friend after friend for a couple of years, I finally made A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara my reading project. It was incredible — both the book and the experience of focusing on just one book. 

I don’t have a Kindle, so I lugged my brick of a book everywhere. It took up all the space in my bag, and preoccupied me during my lunch break at work, and on a short vacation (I felt like this). My ten-year-old wanted to know “How many stories” my book contained, and approximately every 25 minutes on the couch he asked me, “Do you want to read your grown-up book now?” Yes. Yes, I did.

Since reading  Gone With the Wind with rapt attention in the 90s, I’ve tackled many other big books. Anything from Murakami, to War and Peace, and Anna Karenina – just bring on the big books. Have you ever done that, or set yourself up for a reading project? My friend M. spent much of her time reading poems because she missed studying them in college. And a few months ago, another friend assigned herself epic cookbooks like Larousse Gastronomique and The Kitchen Diaries.

I love the idea of making a reading goal and going for it! This list by Italo Calvino (the new man in my life) makes me laugh: 

Sections in the bookstore —
– Books You Haven’t Read
– Books You Needn’t Read
– Books Made for Purposes Other Than Reading
– Books Read Even Before You Open Them Since They Belong to the Category of Books Read Before Being Written
– Books That If You Had More Than One Life You Would Certainly Also Read But Unfortunately Your Days Are Numbered
– Books You Mean to Read But There Are Others You Must Read First
– Books Too Expensive Now and You’ll Wait ‘Til They’re Remaindered
– Books ditto When They Come Out in Paperback
– Books You Can Borrow from Somebody
– Books That Everybody’s Read So It’s As If You Had Read Them, Too
– Books You’ve Been Planning to Read for Ages
– Books You’ve Been Hunting for Years Without Success
– Books Dealing with Something You’re Working on at the Moment
– Books You Want to Own So They’ll Be Handy Just in Case
– Books You Could Put Aside Maybe to Read This Summer
– Books You Need to Go with Other Books on Your Shelves
– Books That Fill You with Sudden, Inexplicable Curiosity, Not Easily Justified
– Books Read Long Ago Which It’s Now Time to Re-read
– Books You’ve Always Pretended to Have Read and Now It’s Time to Sit Down and Really Read Them

What about you? I’d love to hear which books you loved, or which ones you’re hoping to squeeze into the upcoming weeks of long days and warm nights. 

Raising kids today is more challenging than ever, but communication is key. Some subjects might make you uncomfortable, but addressing them honestly now will really help you out down the road. These sample dialogues between my son and me are a road map to addressing life’s thornier issues. Honestly.

The Facts of Life

CHILD: Where do babies come from?

MOM: What babies? I don’t see any babies around here, do you?

CHILD: I mean, when people have babies, where do they come from?

MOM: Space.

CHILD: Does that mean I’m from space?

MOM: Yes. You’re from Mars.

CHILD: I’m a Martian?

MOM: Yes, and if you don’t make your bed every day, Mommy will send you back to Mars to live with your real parents.

CHILD: You’re not my real mom?

MOM: No. You’re a Martian who was sent to live with an Earth family for your own protection. Your real mom is 16 feet tall and shoots lasers out of her eyes when she gets mad. Think about that next time I send you to your room. At least I didn’t burn all your toys with my laser-eyes.

Drugs

CHILD: What are drugs, and should I do them?

MOM: Do you have any?

CHILD: No.

MOM: Then let Mommy watch Workin’ Moms.

CHILD: At school they said we should just say no.

MOM: Um, do I interrupt you when you’re watching Sesame Street?

CHILD: I’m 10. I don’t watch that anymore.

MOM: Wait, which kid are you?

CHILD: Joel.

MOM: Joel what?

CHILD: Joel Henry.

MOM: Freaky. We have the same last name.

CHILD: You’re my mom.

MOM: (Sigh.) I thought you were from Mars.

CHILD: I stopped believing that a long time ago.

MOM: Well, you’re going to get a big fucking surprise on your 16th birthday when your real mom lands in a spaceship in our backyard and snatches you out of the house with her spiny tentacles.

CHILD: I am not from Mars.

MOM: Prove it.

War

CHILD: Is it always wrong to go to war?

MOM: Excuse me, but what does the cardboard sign hanging around my neck say?

CHILD: It says, “Don’t talk to Mom. She is reeding.”

MOM: OK then.

CHILD: You spelled “reading” wrong.

MOM: You got the gist. Lot of good those spelling skills are going to do you where you’re going. They don’t even have colleges there. And they don’t speak English.

CHILD: Where am I going?

MOM: Do I have to say it?

CHILD: I wish I was never born.

MOM: You weren’t. You hatched from a big green egg.

Religion

CHILD: Is there a God?

MOM: I think your people worship a glowing orb or something.

CHILD: What do you mean, my people?

MOM: Martians.

CHILD: OK, that’s enough. I never believed that crap and I’m never going to.

MOM: Hey, OK, don’t get mad.

CHILD: I am mad. I am not a Martian! I am a human! Oh my God! What was that? Lasers just came out of my eyes.

MOM: I told you so.

CHILD: Shit.

MOM: And when your friends come over you can tell them who burned your Playstation with laser eyes.

CHILD: Holy crap. (laughs) I love you, mom. You are the best.

MOM: You are not bad either. Just hug me and give me a kiss. (and he does, every time)

Good morning, team and colleagues,

I hope this email finds you well. The email was looking for you for a long time and finally found you.

I want to let you all know that it’s great to be back from vacation. As your boss, I’m ready to reassert my total dominance around here—and I have a ton of new ideas to prove it. Just under seventy-two million, in fact, but we’ll focus on the actionable ones relevant to this workplace.

I will share the following personal details to lend authenticity to this message without revealing too much: I spent my vacation at an all-inclusive resort in Cancun, which was super expensive but I can afford it obviously because I am the chief and boss around here. I also have a pretty amazing penthouse in the city and a house at the lake but hey, you guys, I don’t want to brag. I worked for all of this. Hard. Very hard.

Okay, I have a sound idea based on rules-based statistical methods of what most of you are thinking: the boss goes on vacation and comes back with a clear head and a bunch of blue-sky ideas for fixing this place who doesn’t take into account the “the daily grind,” and how everybody is feeling around here. I do look out for my people, believe me. I do care. A lot about all of you. Hold on one second…. I will be right back. I just grab myself a panini and a nice coffee from the cafeteria. So, I am back….

Now, it’s possible I’m experiencing a brief hallucinatory high that will soon be subdued by real-world demands. I am aware of my defects, but I also know they will make me a stronger manager in the long run.

Speaking of paninis, while in Cancun, I enjoyed eating gallo pinto for breakfast every day. I can say with near certainty that black beans, rice, and cilantro prepared in the proper ratio and cooked with other ingredients such as peppers, onions, and garlic is delicious. Both Cancun and Nicaragua lay claim to gallo pinto as their national dish, which has proved to be a source of friction between the two nations.

Also, unlike your previous bosses, not once did I question my effectiveness as a leader during my vacation or harbor doubts about whether I am really needed around here.

I never thought, “I bet they’re loving having X, Y, or Z in charge,” or “Why do they like X better than me?”

Well, let’s get to the heart of the matter: Many changes will happen but first: Let’s build zip lines around here.

This action-filled recreational activity involving riding a steel cable between two points, generally in a valley, that exhibits spectacular sceneries is just what we need around this workplace.

Rosi, can you work on the design?

Jay, can you check on the materials?

Olivia, can you take a quick look at my screenplay and make an assessment? I worked on it for many hours in my office. It’s a political thriller based in a tropical jungle near the border of two unidentified Central American countries—one featuring the heart-pounding zip line chase scene. You will be trained by our highly professional training unit to be able to replay this scene at any given time. Why do I need to replay this scene you might ask? Don’t worry about it. Just do it. It is a requirement. It is also of high importantance to salute when you hit the ground again. This is the new procedure.

In closing, I want you to know the work you do is important and sometimes stressful… but so is mine even though it includes a lot of running around, online shopping, spying on you all, coffee breaks, and desk yoga.

In addition, I encourage everyone to take time off when they need it. But not during the months January to August when the zip line will be installed. For training purposes, there are leave restrictions from September to December but you can still submit your leave request. Good luck! If you call sick, it will not be negatively reflected in your monthly evaluation. I promise. Pinky swear.

And if you have any valuable ideas on how to make this place even better (besides the soon-to-be-installed zip line), please feel free to keep them to yourself. I’m pretty sure I’ve already thought of them.

Very Truly Yours, 
The Boss