Good morning, team and colleagues,
I hope this email finds you well. The email was looking for you for a long time and finally found you.
I want to let you all know that it’s great to be back from vacation. As your boss, I’m ready to reassert my total dominance around here—and I have a ton of new ideas to prove it. Just under seventy-two million, in fact, but we’ll focus on the actionable ones relevant to this workplace.
I will share the following personal details to lend authenticity to this message without revealing too much: I spent my vacation at an all-inclusive resort in Cancun, which was super expensive but I can afford it obviously because I am the chief and boss around here. I also have a pretty amazing penthouse in the city and a house at the lake but hey, you guys, I don’t want to brag. I worked for all of this. Hard. Very hard.
Okay, I have a sound idea based on rules-based statistical methods of what most of you are thinking: the boss goes on vacation and comes back with a clear head and a bunch of blue-sky ideas for fixing this place who doesn’t take into account the “the daily grind,” and how everybody is feeling around here. I do look out for my people, believe me. I do care. A lot about all of you. Hold on one second…. I will be right back. I just grab myself a panini and a nice coffee from the cafeteria. So, I am back….
Now, it’s possible I’m experiencing a brief hallucinatory high that will soon be subdued by real-world demands. I am aware of my defects, but I also know they will make me a stronger manager in the long run.
Speaking of paninis, while in Cancun, I enjoyed eating gallo pinto for breakfast every day. I can say with near certainty that black beans, rice, and cilantro prepared in the proper ratio and cooked with other ingredients such as peppers, onions, and garlic is delicious. Both Cancun and Nicaragua lay claim to gallo pinto as their national dish, which has proved to be a source of friction between the two nations.
Also, unlike your previous bosses, not once did I question my effectiveness as a leader during my vacation or harbor doubts about whether I am really needed around here.
I never thought, “I bet they’re loving having X, Y, or Z in charge,” or “Why do they like X better than me?”
Well, let’s get to the heart of the matter: Many changes will happen but first: Let’s build zip lines around here.
This action-filled recreational activity involving riding a steel cable between two points, generally in a valley, that exhibits spectacular sceneries is just what we need around this workplace.
Rosi, can you work on the design?
Jay, can you check on the materials?
Olivia, can you take a quick look at my screenplay and make an assessment? I worked on it for many hours in my office. It’s a political thriller based in a tropical jungle near the border of two unidentified Central American countries—one featuring the heart-pounding zip line chase scene. You will be trained by our highly professional training unit to be able to replay this scene at any given time. Why do I need to replay this scene you might ask? Don’t worry about it. Just do it. It is a requirement. It is also of high importantance to salute when you hit the ground again. This is the new procedure.
In closing, I want you to know the work you do is important and sometimes stressful… but so is mine even though it includes a lot of running around, online shopping, spying on you all, coffee breaks, and desk yoga.
In addition, I encourage everyone to take time off when they need it. But not during the months January to August when the zip line will be installed. For training purposes, there are leave restrictions from September to December but you can still submit your leave request. Good luck! If you call sick, it will not be negatively reflected in your monthly evaluation. I promise. Pinky swear.
And if you have any valuable ideas on how to make this place even better (besides the soon-to-be-installed zip line), please feel free to keep them to yourself. I’m pretty sure I’ve already thought of them.
Very Truly Yours,