.SOMETIMES RAW.

I planned on dying alone in a monastery or silent retreat, but then I realized how comfortable I am with myself and with someone else.

When is a relationship toxic? When is it time to leave him or her? When is a relationship going well? I have had quite some upheaval within a few relationships and tried to find out what it is I actually want. There were also times when I assumed that I would live in an unfurnished studio apartment, shouting incorrect Jeopardy! answers at my projector while 15 cats keep me company. Why is it that some relationships seem to work effortlessly and others are a disaster? I was indeed very unsure of what to look for, or worse yet, I didn’t know all the positives that I truly deserve to have within a relationship. I was blind, assumed and thought that certain patterns within a relationship or marriage are “normal”. What I was lacking was a good understanding of what an awesome relationship looks like. When it comes to relationships and what I perceive as healthy and functional, I would like to share a couple of characteristics that should not be optional. If they are, they should be addressed as soon as possible.

Trust is one of the most important relationship characteristics to me. Without trust, there is a lack of a solid foundation on which to build anything. Without trust, I cannot count on my partner. For me, once trust is broken, the relationship is over.

Communication. Talking to each other honestly and respectfully, especially about things that are difficult, is something that does not come naturally and is not easy. Usually, uncomfortable topics are kept under the surface for the sake of harmony or perfection. I love a partner who doesn’t take things personally or who lashes out when he feels threatened. No need to escalate a conflict into a full-blown nuclear meltdown.

Respect for each other and don’t expect too much. I believe partners in a healthy, loving relationship extend each other a basic common denominator of patience that allows for flexibility, peace, and support for each other. Nothing and nobody is ever perfect but I think it is important to adjust to the ebbs and flows of a partner’s moods, within reason, on a daily basis. No need to scream and shout! I also think there is no need to say I love you but rather to show it in a form of affection and genuine interest. Kind of “a liking” for each other: hugs, kisses, comforting touch and whatnot. A relationship works in my opinion if both partners are truly interested in each other and are together out of attraction rather than obligation. In a healthy relationship, partners value each other’s time and opinions like they value their own. Compromises and flexibility are key, too. The relationship will change because people change. Nothing ever stays the same; to expect that two people will remain the exact same across months or years and decades is downright unhealthy thinking. You know why? Because hopes, fears, goals, and interests constantly evolve and this is a good thing. Also, the give-and-take roughly works out to equal over time, and neither partner feels resentful. There are exceptions of course and this is okay as long as both partners feel comfortable overall with the level of give-and-take as it exists. Oh, and don’t expect too much and you will never be disappointed.

Healthy conflict resolution. Usually, it does not work like this: boy-meets-girl-loses-girl, then boy-gets-girl-back-and-lives-happily-ever-after and they ride off into the sunset together and things are okay from now on. I believe that in a healthy relationship, partners are able to talk anything through with respect, empathy, and understanding.

Individuality and boundaries. Opposites attract. If two people were the exact same they would probably not have much to talk about after a while. And people who are so different that they don’t share each other’s values or daily styles of living are bound to have too little in common to maintain interest in each other. Do you know what the sweet spot is? A relationship where the similarities create a foundation to connect with each other, but individual differences are still respected and valued. Jealousy kills and I want to give my partner the freedom to still live his own life, especially in terms of friendships, hobbies etc. I believe it is important that each person has aspects of their lives that are theirs alone, and that boundary is respected by both. Lastly, but most important is honesty. Say what is on your mind and don’t mask your true self.

Do I need to be in a relationship?

I am in an awesome relationship with myself. I am perfectly happy by and with myself. Nobody needs to make me happy, heal me, help me or create my life for me. I am capable of taking care of all this on my own. But still, it is nice to have a partner by my side.

Then we met. He was there for me when I needed someone the most, yet we got to know each other slowly. In a way that felt totally fine. We read books together and didn’t call it a date. We watched movies. There was no pressure. Does the word commitment mean anything if two people live separate lives in two separate cities or countries? Even so, I wasn’t actively looking for anyone else and neither was he, but for me, that felt less like a decision I was making and more like a realization that “Hey, this feels good, maybe we should keep this going.”

I guess I spent so much time believing that there is a perfect person out there waiting for me and that my life’s primary directive is to tirelessly hunt that person down until finally I catch them and convince them to fall in love with my “strangeness and quirks”. Maybe this is all a fairy-tale rainbow and most couples haven’t come together in the end but that is okay, too. At the same time, I tend to think of commitment. The serious kind, permanent, capital -C Commitment as a bogeyman, with a clanking set of rusty shackles gaining on me, waiting for me to trip over a raised corner of the pavement so it can lock me up and trap me in its vice grip forever.

Honestly, committing feels less like impending doom descending on me to snuff out the flames of desire and more like crushing on a comfortable couch, reading to each other and cooking together while drinking tea or wine. Isn’t that sexy? Add intense fireworks, appreciation, and passion later and literally nothing sounds better than just staying where I am, forever, with a person who says they want to keep sitting there next to me.

Neighbor 1: I was jumping up and down with excitement. I felt like I am back in high school sitting through one of those mathematics classes that seemed to last for ages. I haven’t seen him for weeks. It was the longest time we have been deprived of each other’s company since we started dating. During that time, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. We have spoken on the phone and texted a lot, and now, finally, we are going to be reunited. I felt jittery. I paced around the apartment and called friends to distract myself. I arranged and rearranged my books and dishes in the cabinets to try to pass time. I started to walk to the restaurant where we have planned to meet. I replayed my favorite romantic moments with him over the past months and years. The late nights, the conversations, the moments together, laughing for no reason, deep discussions over dinner. I lived the cliché that people think is unrealistic, but I think nobody has been in love like this.

Neighbor 2: This relationship seems too perfect!

N1: Others said this relationship does not work. They say I don’t spend time with them anymore. Others worry that it is moving too fast. Others say that he is a bad person. I am convinced they are all just jealous and bitter. They cannot understand my incredible bond. I don’t listen to any of them. What do they know? I love his face, his body, his cool, relaxed way of living. It does not matter what anybody says, I will follow him anywhere. I want to do everything he wants to do. I felt more powerful with him by my side than I have ever felt before. So, I arrived at the restaurant. I was way too early, but who cares. I could not stop imagining those first glorious seconds when we will be reunited. My heartbeat was fast. I dressed nicely, nothing can shake my confidence. And then, finally, I saw him. He didn’t look happy. He looks tired and angry. He said, “It is not you, it is me. I need some time for myself right now.” The language of breaking up, I guess.

N2: Just like that? This is weird. Why did he say that?

N1: What was supposed to be a romantic comedy has turned into a tragedy. The people around me, the audience at the restaurant, looked embarrassed, too. Others eyes me with sympathy. My boyfriend, I guess now ex-boyfriend, decided to leave me a the table. He just stood up and walked away. I was completely crushed. I still hoped this was a joke and that he will come back but this just made it worse. I realized he is never coming back. It was sad and confusing. I am still devastated.

N2: I believe you were and still are. This is crazy and seems so unreal.

N1: I felt like the last few months of my life have been some elaborate, nasty trick. How could he have changed his mind so quickly? He was so loving, so nice! I didn’t want to call my family or friends because they would have told me they were right all along. I don’t know what to do or what to think anymore. I just want a glass of red wine and some solid philosophy to help me calm down. So I called you.

N2: A while ago, I read this amazing book “When you Kant Figure It Out, Ask a Philosopher” by Marie Robert. Relationships and marriages are a huge riddle to me, too though. But I usually have red wine and can tell you what Immanuel Kant would say about this. While reading the book I understood that Kant probably wasn’t too familiar with the trials of love because his life was pretty drama-free. I read that all he did was meditate and teach. Nothing, no crushes or breakups or any other matters of love, got in the way of his intellectual life. His existence was centered on reason and how to best make use of it. You know what though? You can draw inspiration from this way of thinking to heal your broken heart and protect it from the next romantic crisis.

N1: Go on. This makes sense!

N2: Kant defined reason as everything that comes from reflection and not from lived experience. This means that we don’t need to be confronted by something. We don’t need to live it, touch it, and feel it to be able to think about it. Reason is a beacon of light, a tool that gives us the power to analyze, to zoom out, to reflect and to better understand situations and react to them in calm, reasonable ways. Passion is a feeling that no amount of rational thought or reaction can control. Reason has no power over passion. According to Kant, passion is not simply an emotion but a disease of the soul. This passion that flares up when we start to fall in love which makes us crazy. We then hope and wait to idealize everything. Our reason crumbles when this fever spikes and we cannot think clearly. We are removed from reality and make sometimes pretty dumb decisions. To Kant, the idea of doing anything to separate ourselves from our reason is inconceivable. Kant explains in Anthropology from a Pragmatic Point of View all the risks we take when we yield to passion.

N1: Wow, this is interesting. What is the connection between passion and immortality?

N2: According to Kant, passion prevents all reflection. When we are in love, we lose the ability to hear the reasonable voice in our head or the advice of our parents and friends. I think it is like we lose our ability to compare, measure, choose, confront, or question anything because we are caught in a storm of feelings. Sometimes we count the minutes until we see our beloved the next time and whenever we are not with the person we love, we feel lost and fragile. According to Kant, moral law’s only base is reason. In a nutshell, I think this means that before we do something, we should ask ourselves if the act we are about to perform will be good for everyone involved.

N1: I can follow. But how do I do this?

N2: I guess we need to be able to put our reason to work more. We cannot just listen to our heart beating like crazy when someone kisses us and says they love us. Simply because reason and morality go hand in hand. If we lose track of one, we cannot expect to keep the other.

N1: Yeah, yeah, yeah… but that’s not all. I was completely overtaken by a passion for this ass****, unable to reason and to take a step back from situations that I know are not good for me. I was so attached to him and not able to rationally think it through.

N2: I understand. I have been there, too. Passion made me a slave to something that was outside myself. Kant explains that when we are consumed by passion for another person, we are letting ourselves be cheated by a feeling that is not based on anything stable. Kind of like, once the honeymoon phase is over and the relationship starts to feel normal, the passion falls away. Kant does not say we should be eternally single but draws a distinction between passion and love, which is very comforting. He says that passion is unhealthy and ephemeral. But love is real. So, I guess a person who loves another person can stay clear-sighted and can support their feelings of love with free will instead of just imagined, perfect ideas.

N1: Does this mean, real love is less turbulent and more solid than passion?

N2: I think so. It is time to stop being controlled by passion. Dry your tears, gather your strength and stop expecting your life to be the plotline of a romance movie. Strive for love. For me, this makes the journey more beautiful, longer-lasting, and stronger than any fleeting infatuation.

When you hear “traditional family,” what comes to mind? A mother and father, 2.5 kids, a cat, a dog, a white picket fence around your property and a huge framed “dream-wedding” picture in the living room? This all sounds romantic, prosaic and vanilla. The old school notion of what constitutes a family is one that still pervades our culture for some reason. But, there is always notion and there is reality. I consider my son and I an “unconventional family” and would like to share how it feels to scribble and sketch outside the “traditional family” and the unique joys of our daily life. With this essay, I want to challenge the outdated stereotype of how a family is supposed to look.

Six years ago, I worked in New York. This is also the place where I met Joel’s father – at this time, a very handsome, sweet, loving man. We fell into deep “like”, then pretty soon love. We had a simple wedding – nothing big is required I believe. We married because we loved each other. That love was what would become Joel. Then, five years later, Joel’s father and I split. Ever since then, it was primarily Joel and I who survived in Canada. Then the divorce was finalized and we moved to Vienna. With zero support from my ex-husband but help from friends and family, life slowly goes on.

“Extreme” long-distance relationship (meaning: over 48 hours travel and several flights to see each other): We never were a traditional family to begin with. My ex-husband left for a job overseas shortly after Joel was born and came home every four/five/six weeks. My son and I lived with my parents for the first 2 1/2 years of his life. There was barely the mom-dad-child-we-are-doing-most-stuff-together kind of feeling. We acted more or less to be a family whenever my ex-husband was at home with us. Even when we moved back to the States and were a “traditional family”, this feeling did not change. My son and I were mostly alone. What I can say, however, is that he grew up in a loving, comfortable surrounding with mostly me, my parents, family, and friends in Germany. I learned that security and a calm routine is what my son needs the most. Long-distance relationships are very challenging indeed.

I come from a traditional family. My mom stayed at home to raise my siblings and I for ten years while my father worked. Regardless, I never saw myself married or being a mom. The thought actually gave me goosebumps. The way some girls dream of their wedding, I would dream about independence, traveling, studying and exploring. When I got pregnant with Joel, I was 32 and have “explored” quite a bit. His dad and I were in a whirlwind romance at the time, and I was like, “Why not?”. It was a planned thing with a mix of love and adventure I guess. That perspective changed after Joel turned three, we moved to Canada, and I started a Master’s program. I really missed the feeling of knowing who I was because I felt like a fish out of water with the stroller stay-at-home mom posse and basically single parenting most of the time. So, I went back to what made me feel electric – writing. There were times when I really missed my ex-husband, felt unfulfilled and lonely many times. But, my son and I managed because everything is possible. I knew then that, although I was not cut out for the stroller- mom- life, this little person had changed me. I knew I would have to figure out my own version of stability. I switched gears and dedicated myself more to writing and reading. This way, I am super fulfilled, and he gets stability and cool-ass books to read.

Single-parenting has raised me. It really tested the stuff I am made of and affirmed my experience in ways I could have never imagined. Every day I am challenged to get up and do things that aren’t self-serving while balancing my own dreams and existence. Sometimes, maintaining this balance has been harder than expected because I also take raising my son seriously. It is not always happy sunshine here either. Single-parenting requires that I am an ocean and not a puddle, so I can facilitate his growth. More often than not, I can feel my depth of understanding and boundaries being tested. It is uncomfortable. Growth is uncomfortable sometimes, yet rewarding.

Two years ago, my son talked about how he didn’t have a mom and dad who were still together and that it wasn’t normal. We spoke about it (and still do sometimes) because I want him to know that he is complete and whole. I explained to him that our family, though unconventional, is super awesome. That turned into a conversation about happiness and challenging societal norms, which ultimately turned into a conversation about patriarchy and how a family is just as valid with a mom only, a dad only, two moms, two dads, and a mom and a dad and any other variation. What matters most is that whatever the makeup of the family, it is a safe, healthy and supportive place for everyone to live their best lives. And this we do. We have so much fun. I get to teach him so many things I love, too: reading, writing, museums, art and so much more. I feel happy and proud. Proud of myself what I have accomplished in a rather short time for both of us.