.SOMETIMES RAW.

I caught myself many times over- or underthinking emails I write. Sometimes I agonize over every single word: I put too much information or too little but for some reason it is always something. Especially when it comes to professional emails. Do I address an email I write to a professor always with “Dear Professor X” and is there a point when I can stop writing so formally? 

I thought about all this the other day while my fingers hovered happily over the keyboard to formalize important emails for work. Who do I “cc”? Do I even write this email as a group email or just hit the send-button for one recipient only? All these questions while I craft a response that has to make sense, goes straight to the point without me fluffing around. 

First rule for me in life is: less is more. Another rule I learned along the way: chill first, breathe and take it easy. Some things can wait. Whenever I write an email upset, sad, embarrassed or angry, the outcome is usually not the best. Also, when I rush or skim through emails and don’t pay attention to what it actually says the response I type is well…. garbage or comes across like I am an arrogant, hurt, defensive demanding ass. What helps me here is that I draft the email in a word-document and wait at least a couple of hours before rereading or/and editing it before sending it. I don’t want to regret what I wrote later on. I have been down this aisle too many times. Sigh! It also helps me to read the email aloud to myself or someone else before sending it. Sometimes I actually need to adjust the tone, soften the language since it sounds straight-up rude. I don’t want to hurt anybody with my words [Wordcrime] since I know I can. I rather write an email that is direct, gets to the point and tells the reader what I want to say – no curse words necessary. 

When I write to my professors I rather go formal instead of treating them like pals. It is still a professional email. Unless of course I know them really well and we are friends and a way too formal tone would seem arrogant or not appropriate. I want to sound polite, professional, friendly but also keep the emails direct, to the point and concise. 

Before I discovered the “return-receipt-botton” I wondered for hours and days if the person received and read my emails. So annoying. Also, I have to keep in mind that the recipient is not only waiting for my email all day long. They have a life too. They do things and most likely receive many emails every day. I learned that it is helpful to write a catching subject-line and get to the point in the first sentence or two. Nobody wants to read 800 words to find out in the last sentence what I actually want to ask or to find out that my goal or topic is something completely different. 

Of course, this sounds all sweet and nice; however, there is an exception to my little “email-rules”. Whenever the person asks for it, the person is a dick and the obligatory passive-aggressive “you suck” email is necessary. For example, something (money, promotion) has been promised to me and now I am waiting for weeks for [insert what you are waiting for here]. Whenever a person is obviously a dick about something and it is of use to point out how much they suck for possible upcoming court cases or documentation reasons one of these annoying and thankfully not frequently necessary emails is necessary. With this being said, I still won’t use my curse word spreadsheet from A-Z but I just report facts without using any emotional language at all. I learned that I can guide an out-of-control situation through proper wording in an email or text message. In my emails I can also use words to make any situation worse and create a nuclear meltdown by behaving like a needy child. In the dick-email-writer situation I rather avoid any hostile situations by denying that I indeed sound passive-aggressive or playing any games. Even though sometimes I am. 

“I am glad that I paid so little attention to good advice; had I abided by it I might have been saved from some of my most valuable mistakes.” – Edna St. Vincent Millay 

I have listened to so many amazing research topics in the Forensic Linguistic field today that left me with this somewhat existential meltdown on the significance of my research. Uncertainty, why I am even doing what I am doing and, why other’s are working on topics that can be easily answered with a bit of common sense. I could answer some research questions because I am genuinely good at it; they are things that I have learned through experience in law enforcement. So are my goals to ambitious? Will someone else say the same thing I just mentioned about my research? I am kind of overwhelmed and bathe in a bit of doubt while I enjoy my Pastel de Nata and cup of coffee for dessert. My thesis supervisor tells me that “I am going to be okay if I want to go through with this”. But, I want to be great. I want this thesis to have significance and at the same time enjoy the journey of writing and all the shitty stuff that comes with it. 

Another problem I have is that I indeed have the motivation but whenever I think of my goals, I cannot help but question my thesis by thinking of all these hundreds and maybe thousands of people who are more qualified than I am. Who write better, clearer and are more precise. Maybe who have better skills since English is not my first language. So what happens next? I freak out even though people tell me all these supporting lines like: “this too shall pass”, “everything is gonna be alright” or “you still have so much time to work on the thesis”. How unhelpful it is in the situation but looking back, so true indeed. Having enough confidence in my work while being on this journey takes a lot of practice. For me, it is not something I hear and accept instantly. It has to sink in, like other life’s big lessons. And, for me to really learn is to live and experience new things even those some people warned me of those earlier. 

Anxiety aside, I reckon that I will have to go through the writings and research on my own. It will make me smarter, a better writer and more me. I just have to learn to take life’s occasional punches and get right back up. “Adriaaaaaaaan!” 

So in the end,  I have accepted I will be fine and I don’t have to make any major decisions about my future. I also don’t have to stress and worry about things that I cannot change right now. I actually realized today, that even though all this research seems like a competition, if I don’t want it to be, it is actually not. It is a challenge and personal growth and I allow to let myself dream along the way. New opportunities will emerge and twist and turns will appear when I least expect them. Also, new things that scare or excite me and throw me off my little seemingly secure path will appear. I don’t have to worry about them however if I cannot change them now. 

If one door opens, another one closes. I can choose a different path. One that takes me away from where I am at this point. This is a beautiful notion to keep in mind. Looking back at my life I am glad things happened the way they did, even though some events were very sad and full of stress or pain. An optimistic take on life is important to me. And even though I am usually pretty good at it, I know that there will be new crossroads and intersections life throws at me when I find myself standing right in the middle of it, wondering what way to choose or what to do next. I know I can plan things only to a certain degree but in the end it might not look as I expected it to be. It is in a way always a gamble with life. New mistakes will be made, I will mess up but it will be okay. Life is a learning process. Maybe I thought I love my new career and I end up hating it and have to quit. Who knows. The same approach goes for everything else: relationships, things I buy etc. The feeling of uncertainty is okay, I believe. It is just another emotion worth noticing but it comes and goes. Worrying and uncertainty go really well together but I stop wasting energy these days and rather find solutions that can help me get things accomplished. 

Sometimes I might feel like I am going nowhere or backwards and running around in circles. Sometimes it might be frustrating and I feel like throwing my computer out of the window while editing and revising. But, that’s life. Constantly striving for something better or bigger does not get me anywhere. It only takes me away from being in the present and enjoying the moment. While I type this my frustrated, exhausted, annoyed waiter is staring out of window observing the passing cars while possibly dreaming of a different job and life. 

Another hot day in Barcelona sightseeing. Wanderlust. No clue about fashion but my Lois Vuitton is usually next to me while traveling. 

After a long conversation with a very good friend of mine on fashion and why fashion blogs are so popular I had a packing/cleaning date this evening with my closet and realized again that neither skirts nor dresses feel quite right to me. I own a couple because I think I should own them. They are awesome when it is really hot, comfortable and make me feel feminine while shorts are more practical and boring in a way. I wear those when I chase Petit Joel around at the playground. I love my legs and I never regretted the tattoo that covers nearly my entire right leg. However, those awesome legs of mine never look as I want them to in denim shorts. Question: When are denim shorts simply too short? I am not into fashion at all and don’t know what is in style these days but I have seen a couple of “girls” today who wore shorts that seemed crotch-threatening. 

If you really want to pull this look off, you cannot have a face and have to hold something in your hand. At least you have hands. 😉 

So, why love/hate relationship? I put on a dress or skirt in the morning because it seems like a fun option since it is finally warm enough here in Canada. Secretly however I wish I could just change into my black or blue jeans. I love my jeans. All of them. I think I am officially addicted to jeans and plain, simple t-shirts.

For some time I gave up on dresses and skirts altogether. It seemed like I try to be someone I am not. I know that some clothes just look good or fit a certain type of woman and squeezing into something just because does not work for me either. Fashion industry tells me what to wear, what is in style or looks great. Since I question everything these days I have to say: Don’t tell me what to do, fashion industry! I can think for myself and decide what looks good on me! The other day I observed a woman in a secondhand clothing store trying on a dress. I could tell that the color was just wrong and the dress way too tight for her without any fashion knowledge whatsoever. But the saleswoman went on and on telling her how beautiful she looks in this dress. They want to sell thing, right?! “And this dress gives you this special glow which is so great since it is summer now!” I wanted to tell “the client” the truth but who am I? I have no clue about fashion while I look at secondhand cardigans from the 80s and know for sure that I can combine them with my white vintage Karate club t-shirt that rocks. 

I accepted that I just cannot wear certain things and I have determined a somewhat stylistic choice which states who I am and what my character and  persona is. Then again, it is just clothing and you don’t know me by just looking at what I am wearing. So many times, wearing a shorter skirt feels to me like being at a party that I don’t really want to attend in the first place but all my friends are having a great time so I am pretending I am in a good mood even though I feel like crap and want to go home and read.

I can also try to figure out my skirt/dress issue by simply noticing that it gets more and more difficult over time to think about why I don’t talk to certain ex-boyfriends anymore. It just doesn’t work and I stopped doing it. And I apply the silent treatment to things like fashion since, I reckon, this is a great way to deal with it. Otherwise, silent treatment sucks. Period. 

At the end of my cleaning/decluttering closet process tonight I put some of my dresses and skirts on and I like them. Maybe it is because they look more flattering since I lost a bit of weight, and I believe I will, before grabbing my regular pair of jeans, have a little feminine talk, and opt for the dress or skirt instead even though it is totally and entirely out of my comfort zone. A skirt forces me to think about matching tops and shoes and whatnot which is way too much stress in the morning. 

Will I transform this website into a fashion blog? Definitely not. My passion lies in thought, analyzing, writing and reviewing things rather than fashion. And this realization just feels like a nice, comforting little breeze around my nether regions while wearing a skirt.