.SOMETIMES RAW.

The year is slowly coming to an end. It has been a mess for the most part but there was a lot of fun and awesome stuff, too. I guess we all made/make the best of it while patiently waiting for this s***storm to be over. Maybe it is the weather, maybe the pandemic, but my brain comes up with strange things and ideas these days. I just finished Woody Allen’s autobiography, “Apropos of Nothing”, so get ready for some sarcasm between the lines. Today, I want to share things that I think will be mandatory in 2021.

• Hangover Vaccine: Highly necessary and the holy grail of vaccines, especially during this pandemic.
• It will be mandatory (there will be fines!) that everybody watches the movie Contagion and be scared shitless.

• Werewolf Vaccine: Doesn’t prevent you from becoming a werewolf, but does make you more amenable to counseling at work.
• Mystery Vaccine: My son asked to add this one. Not exactly sure what this vaccine does. Requires multiple injections with increasingly larger needles. Oh, and he wants the LEGO Coronavirus Panic set for X-mas.

• Pseudo Vaccine: Doesn’t really do much of anything, but comes with a coupon for half off your next vaccine of choice.
• Venom Vaccine: It allows you to impress your friends (on for example camping trips) by letting rattlesnakes bite you. Also, you can show up for a date with spiders on your face. Or cockroaches.
• Truth Vaccine: No matter what, you tell all children that the Toothfairy and Santa does not exist. You also tell everybody exactly what you think and how you feel about anything. At all times.
• Sad Vaccine: Gives you a small dose of anxiety and depression after you took the Truth Vaccine. May also come in handy, when your partner cheats on you. You will wish them well and ask them on their way out if they need some gas money.
• Mandatory “Organic” (because this always sells) Hand Soap (Euro 340): Hands will be totally destroyed because of the hand sanitizers so everybody will need to buy this soap.
• Organic Disinfecting Bleach (Euro 410): There is a new Corona-law out: After 1 additional household- friend comes over you will need to bleach all your dishes. But bleach can be super harsh. This organic cleaner is a bit pricier but it is made from purified H2O, Juliet Rose Leaves, saffron threads and kills all of the germs that your friend may have brought over. Special: Just add a bit to your morning coffee and you will have a nice blurry vision all day long.
• First Responder Tiara for Women (Euro 3900): These days, it is not easy to stand out from the crowd when you are poking your head out of the window to check what is going on with the neighbors across the street. Whenever you poke your head out, this headwear will make you the Queen of the pandemic. This tiara, encrusted with rubies, and diamonds will make you feel feminine and brave.
• Clapping Device (Euro 4500): You just received another call from your child’s school that one kid has been in contact with a Corona person without symptoms. Now you have to stay home to homeschool and be quarantined for ten days. This can be stressful and you might not even have time to clap for the first responders while you teach your child how to embroider F***Corona on a wristband. With this clapping device, all this is not a problem anymore. The device is weather-resistant and plays a ton of really awesome clapping-tracks and swears on command while you are calculating with your child how many f***ing apples the farmer has left in his f***ing basket after Max stole five.
• Chanel Goat Face Mask (Euro 120,000): The government recommends wearing a mask and keeping two meters (social) distance. But that does not mean you have to stand two years behind the current fashion trends! This non-reusable face mask is made from a goat’s face that has been expertly de-toothed and molded to a natural human face. Nearly three full goat faces go into each mask. Goatskin’s natural oils will help keep your lips perfectly smooth.
• Pearl Tear Jar (Euro 500): I mean, this Corona stuff is sad! But cry it all out in style. Collect your daily tears in it and watch the colors shimmer (because of the pearl lid!). Also great for storing earrings.
• Wine Bidet (Euro 7000): Toilet paper is still an issue, and everyone is looking for an eco-friendly way to cope. This bidet is using whatever liquid you have at home. Champagne, wine, beer, whiskey, rum, whatever! In no time, your booty will be able to tell the difference between a 2011 and a 2019 Merlot!
• SHELL/AGIP Memberships (Euro 50,000 or 950,000): The cost of oil has fallen so low that SHELL and AGIP are actually considering individual memberships. Available for either single membership or dual membership or dual membership for couples you will be able to save hundreds of Euros. Buy one for yourself or give it to your family for X-mas (if that will take place this year). Now that is what I call essential oil, my friends.
• COVID-19 VACCINE (Euro 3,000,000): A vaccine already exists for people who can afford it. Included in the cost is a two-week vacation at a Deluxe Suite in the Bahamas of a hotel your choice (most are closed) and the First-Responder-Tiara. Special: Trump will be there crying in fetal position that he is no longer president.

I usually sleep pretty well but there are just some of those weird nights. Cannot sleep? Find out what I do when counting sheep just does not cut it.

1. Waiting

2. Pondering

3. Recollection of recent mistakes

4. Neighborhood Watch. Across, there is a teenage music student who is very sweet, a couple who seem to fight about every single thing on this planet, and an elderly couple who watch Sissi movies and have breakfasts half-naked every Saturday and Sunday.

5. Annoyance

6. Realisation that this could last awhile

7. Brainstorming

8. Taking notes

9. Disgust

10. Wait, Is It Lying or Laying?

11. Itching

12. Anticipation of tomorrow’s mistakes and extreme tiredness

13. Pillow and blanket adjustment

14. Inventory of personal faults and mistakes

15. Tossing

16. Turning

17. Anger

18. Evaluation of prior caffeine intake

19. Meme remembrance

20. Controlled deep breathing

21. Turning to find the ultimate sleeping position

22. Another cup of tea

23. Corona-Anxiety (the new normal)

24. Debate with nemesis (Win)

25. Hydration

26. Bargaining

27. Wondering what acquaintances I never, ever think of during the day are up to

28. Masturbation

29. Denial

30. Reading

31. Debate with nemesis (Loss)

32. Toilet

33. Awareness of skull inside face

34. Conception of next major creative work

35. Imagined stardom

36. Writing this article

37. Acceptance while considering chocolate

38. Turn CALM App back on

39. Wait, is this a dream?

40. More anxiety

41. Clock avoidance

42. Considering to buy a white noise machine

43. Acceptance. Again.

44. Sex with nemesis (Tie)

45. Searching for sleep aid (Unsuccessful)

46. Maybe a disease?

47. WebMD Search and Dr. Google

48. Self-Pity

49. Should I just get up?

50. Mild Hallucinations

51. Listening to noises outside

52. Alarm

53. Thinking about last night’s discussion, get up, smile nevertheless and go to work.

Scene 1 (signing up at Tinder):

She entered her twenties and wanted to live a different life with the freedom to travel, no children, sunbathing on the beaches of Tulum, kissing a partner outside of the Moulin Rouge in Paris, and have a career. She wanted to be on her own, jumping from a casual fling to fling. But in truth, she longed for a serious relationship. Someone with whom she could share all this awesomeness but also sad-and weirdness which was happening in her life. Then she got married. And divorced.

A while after her divorce, a friend said, “Just sign up at Tinder”. She did. Two days later, she pressed the lock screen and slammed her phone down on the coffee table. She was two seconds away from wanting to delete the dating app from her phone. The humdrum of swiping right, but more, in her case, left had her feel drained and bored. Why did she do this to herself? This is so useless. Why did she put so much of her want and need to be with someone into an app? It felt as useless as those fortune tellers who lay Tarot cards. It seemed worth it to try, to find out what her life might look like tomorrow or a year from now, but honestly, c’mon. She wanted to know if there was a chance for her. She lived alone, which caused her to spend more time in the evening wallowing in how empty the air felt in her apartment. Sometimes, small moments of laughing out loud at a scene in a show, felt as if her sanity was borderline maniacal.

Fruit spoiled faster, food bought and prepped came and went and were stored to only be trashed because one mouth could not finish it fast enough. After her last heartbreak, she saw herself staying perpetually single but at some point, she wanted to find a partner again. Her anxiety of waking up every morning as the slow days of March loomed peak pandemic made her thankful that she was here, alive, and breathing. She had to be strong for herself, but who was being strong for her? Writing daily gave her days their shape, but they soon became monotonous. She wondered if this was it while she hit the water cooker on, made breakfast, and set up to press a smile on her face in the bathroom mirror.

When she went through this divorce, at some point, the exhaustion got the best of her. When the tears crept in the corner of her eyes as she curled up on her side of the bed at night, the rest of the sheets begging to be touched by anyone but her…. feeling as cold and as distant as she did. She thought about how she felt, not connected to anyone but herself. For some time, she had been okay with being single forever. She stared back at her phone. She pulled it toward herself and bent it slightly so it had her face in view, reflecting back at herself. “I love you,” she said and deleted the dating app.

Scene2 (The new Dating Timeline):

The goal: To meet people.

She went out. Lined her lips with Chanel lipstick. Put on a bit of make-up to go out. She does not like make-up on herself. If overdone, to her, it is a façade and another layer of (face)shield on an already cracked ex-and interior. She is not the person who goes to a bar and finds herself crowded around the male bartender, who flirted his way into her wallet and took a shot with her in order to make her not feel so desperate for attention. But her glass of red wine gently caressed her tongue as it made its way down her throat, adding another layer of calmness, and yet her nerves did not quite dissipate. However, she was in control of the ambiance.

So, she met someone, and this felt weird but also good. Her internal calm-down mechanism took over and she closed her eyes – but not all the way. The mechanism: She feels home. She is safe. If she wants this, then she has to let it happen.

They enjoyed dinners and drinks, they talked by phone and spent the summer together. It was special because the restaurants were closed so there were no distractions when they sat across each other at home. There was no waiter to interrupt the initial awkwardness. They had to stare at each other. The forced eye contact left her heart pounding. She can so easily get lost in someone’s stare. It feels good. This has been months ago but they still see each other.

Possible Scene to add (add the restaurant):

“Hello,” she said, smiling when he waited for her at the restaurant. He smiled and his face leaned to the side. He always smiled when he sees her. He gently adjusted his hair, opened the door to the restaurant for her, and said, “Hey, sunshine. I am glad you are here. “

They kissed.

End Scene: (possibly include applause)