.SOMETIMES RAW.

I started some new projects in my life and it’s in a shaky new territory. I feel doubt if I can do it while tensely trying to do everything I can to make sure it will all turn out the way I hope. The things that kept me up at night were fear, doubt, stress, and tension because I focused and was attached to the outcome and how things may turn out. 

After many meditations and time I spent with myself, I acknowledged, however, that the outcome is not always in my control. Sometimes certain people make things difficult or get in my way (even unintentionally) and destroy projects by suggesting stuff that makes no sense. Other times, things happen(ed) that I did not even thought about or expected while a marriage hung on an invisible thread already for a long time. 

Recently, I realized that there is always a plethora of outcomes that I did not even see and expect to happen, like making connections with people I haven’t spoken to in a long time, yet, here is my new apartment and lease.

I realized that I have to be open to change and new outcomes and stop focusing on ONE thing only since there are so many other possibilities, opportunities, and options I could be happier with. 

Whenever I put all my focus on ONE outcome and stressed out about it, it felt not even worth to start something in the first place because I thought I won’t have a chance of getting it anyway. And then of course if X, Y, and Z did not happen, I was hugely disappointed in myself because I did not live up to my expectations; I had the feeling I am not enough and that I won’t succeed. 

But, what if the outcome indeed matters? I need a new visa in the far distance to stay in Canada so here we go again. I do need to focus on the outcome since it is not just me anymore; this little sweet boy is strangely following me around for the last 4 1/2 years and wants to be saved from monsters, and protected. I know I should apply whatever actions are going to most likely get me that desired outcome by planning the steps and then accordingly to “walk” by not being too attached to the outcome. 

I always have possible backup-scenarios and plans in my head. This helps me to be more present with what I am doing right now, trying to find solutions, the being, the act of doing things, applying, filing etc. rather than focusing on what may happen in the future. It helps me to have a better relationship with the people who matter in my life because I focus on them instead of the goal. This also helps me to have a better relationship with myself because I focus on being content and my own well-being and health. What I need to add (spoiler): Happiness does not come from external or material things!

So, what do I focus on? The intention. It is what I hope to bring to the desired goal rather than what I hope I may get out of it. I focus on how I want to show up right now instead of how I see or predict things in the future; for example, I write this post with the intention to help others (and myself). Also, I want to be fully present when I am talking to someone and be open with them. Worrying and German Angst are the things I deal with on a daily basis but I am getting a lot better at it since I put effort into it. Instead of worrying about certain things and outcomes, I pay attention to how focused I really am on a problem or situation, how much effort and energy I put into it and how mindful I am while I am doing it. How much love and heart do I put into it and how much love am I giving? The outcome is really a result of the process.  Whenever I do not get the desired outcome I want I rather focus on improving the process by paying attention to how I am doing things. 

Instead of having a fixed mindset on something, I focus on what is particularly beautiful about this moment. What else can I notice or be curious about? What do I appreciate about myself, about my partner or everything around, right here, right now? Whenever I focused on the outcome, I tended to disregard feelings of people who are very close to me which was wrong. I now rather focus on my connection with them and why they are so salient (remember that fancy word for important?) in my life by being compassionate and loving. 😉 

I am reminded on a daily basis that playing and being curious about things are two important lessons.  Being more loving to myself and others while doing every act out of devotion, love and living in the present moment will transform every habit, every act, project and moment; hence f*** the outcome. Everyting will be okay. 

“I am here for you.” Isn’t this such a commonly used phrase? Sometimes it is even used to say I love you or to say call me, please. Sometimes I feel it is randomly applied for no apparent reason and it falls out of people’s mouths the same way Canadians apologize all the time. I honestly did not really know the true meaning of the phrase I am here for you for a long time. I said it many times and my intentions were good but looking back, I am not sure I was the most helpful person to turn to. Whenever a friend came to me with a problem, I would help them in the ways I knew were best and took on their problem(s) as if it was mine to fix or solve. 

I would come up with a plethora of solutions and judgments and am (is this a German thing?) usually too blunt about it. What I didn’t do was use my intuition to sense what the person really needed from me. I know now that the root of my problem was that I over-complicated things. I had this feeling that I have to go way beyond just being there and had to continuously give advice, self-help strategies and/or judgments. I have mentioned this already many times throughout recent posts but this year has been a challenging one so far. I have had to rely a lot on my support network of family and friends to help me get through certain stages in my life. This particular time taught me so much about what it really means to have people who were/are there for me. Through this experience, I have learned how to truly be there for others in ways that actually help them. 

I finally and honestly can say that I am feeling like myself again and I have found the light at the end of the metaphorical tunnel. I have learned how important it is to just simply being there for someone does not necessarily mean physical presence. Talking on the phone, texting, skyping etc. are all ways to show that someone cares. Many times when I had this urge that I need support, all I really want is actually not to be alone. My friends and family made time and are/were available to answer the phone whenever I called and needed them. 

“Germans are really awesome,” my friend told me the other day. Are we? Being German in Canada means, I, of course, have my “homesick-store” where I can get German cookies, sausages, sauerkraut and Christmas Stollen and Glühwein in the winter. I go to this store at least once a month (conveniently close to my school!) to get a warm “Leberkäsbrötchen” for lunch since one can only stress-eat Tim Horton’s breakfast sandwiches for so long.

When I tell people I am from Germany, the first reaction usually is: WOW, OKTOBERFEST! Well, honestly, having lived in Munich for a couple of years, this is really what many Germans occupy themselves with for the last weeks in September. It seems like everybody loves Oktoberfest. Lederhosen, Dirndls, cuckoo clocks, greasy sausages, sauerkraut and of course hoisting around one-liter Steins of extra strong brewski while rocking back and forth to Schlager. 

Outside of Munich, it’s a different story. Fun fact: Oktoberfest originally was a public feast honoring the marriage of the Crown Prince Ludwig to Therese of Saxe-Hildburghausen in 1810. I mean, until pretty recently, Germany was a tangled network of Electorates and even today, every region has its own dialect and weird festivals and culture. Does this all sound like “beer” to you? 

In Canada, a country at least about 60 times the size of Germany, many people think that Germany seems synonymous with Bavaria/Beer/Oktoberfest and giant steins of Bier. Germany is also pretzels (yum!), Tracht (a traditional German dress which is, thanks to the Führer’s affection for “traditional things” always seems to carry a bit of unintentional or intentional (if you are a member of the AfD) Nazism.

Some German words and traditions

Have you ever heard the word Schadenfreude? (My dad’s favorite!) You know this feeling when the elevator door closes just before your evil coworker can step in? Or seeing a parking ticket on a Porsche? There is a word for this mix of joy and malice and Germans invented it. Schadenfreude means deriving pleasure from others’ misfortune. A good word to know. Here are some more: 

1. 1. Fernweh: The opposite of homesickness. You have this feeling of desiring a place yo have never been to. 
   2. Wanderlust: Similar to Fernweh. To see new places and not stay in one place. Literally the desire to wander around. 
   3. Zeitgeist: It describes the prevalent spirit of an era. 
   4. Angst: Use this word anytime when you worry, have anxiety or are scared. German Angst! 
   5. Zweisamkeit: Being together. A feeling of closeness. Zwei means two (people) and is the opposite of Einsamkeit (loneliness). 
   6. Luftkuss: You blow a kiss through the air. Joel and I do this every morning when I drop him off at school. We then pretend that we catch the kiss with one hand, put it in our mouths and swallow it. 
   7. Freudentränen: Tears of joy! 
   8. Frühlingsgefühle: This sounds weird but is actually just a word to describe a feeling of excitement for nice weather or literally when spring is around the corner. 
   9. Verzehren: This can describe the process of literal eating but it can also mean that one desires someone so much you almost want to eat them. 😉 
   10. Geborgenheit: This word is actually almost impossible to translate. It is an intensely emotional moment like when someone returns home after a long time and being held by family members for example. Like comfort but more! It basically means to feel intensely in the moment and exist. 
   11. Augenblick: Warte einen Augenblick! (Wait a second). A super short moment, a blink of an eye. 

Many times I just receive blank stares or weird looks when I mention certain German traditions. For example a few weeks ago, I told a friend that children in Germany receive a huge paper cone (Zuckertüte, literally: cone of sugar) full of enough candy to diabeticize their entire class on their first day of preschool. It’s a thing. It’s a German tradition. My friend replied that she knows a German word. “It’s Schnitzelbank,” (SHNIT-sul-BONK) she said. “What the f*** is that supposed to be, “I replied. She said, “Well, I cannot tell the difference between Schiller’s and Goethe’s skull but I know that this is a word in German.” Well, I never heard of it but here is her memory of Schnitzelbank:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=19&v=CIk4sC8ASS0

So off I went thinking about Schnitzelbank (traditional song here) and googled it immediately. I thought the song was schön (nice). To be fair here, the ö- Umlaut is pretty hard to approximate in English phonetics, just try to say SCHOOOOOON instead of SHANE. Joel and I teach my friend some German here and there but honestly, I have to admit, learning German is not easy at all. I tried to make it clear that Schnitzelbank is feminine so you have to add the article “die” in German. Articles in English are so easy in comparison; everything is just the. He tries to speak German but some things don’t sound richtig. But it does not matter. We keep practicing since it is fun. Beer he understands. And Stein. Prost!