.SOMETIMES RAW.

Hello And Happy Monday! 

My blog is a daily lifestyle blog and I don’t really like this term. Initially, I started writing a bit here and there as a hobby but soon I realized that writing daily is what really makes me happy. Maybe seven months ago I purchased this one-year editorial planner which made it easier for me to keep track on what I want to write and what I have written. I also have a plan what I want to post at what day but recently I keep restarting and deleting drafts because I am just not sure this fits anymore. I felt it is not noteworthy enough. Blogging is just so strange sometimes. 

Is this called writers-block? Most importantly, I don’t mind if anyone thinks my posts are just blahblah. I like what I write and what I talk about. I do my thing and what makes me happy. I am also fine with not having updated my blog with a new theme yet – I am still searching however, but not desperately. Also, it is okay for me not be be on Snapchat and all the other apps that are out there. I just don’t get comfortable with it and it drove me almost crazy. If I wouldn’t mediate [haha, I wrote medicate first. Medication would have been what I would have needed if I tried  Snapchat one more time!] every day, I would be a complete mess by now. For me these days it is essential to find a balance that I feel most comfortable with. Reading, blogging, researching, keeping up with the latest “everything” while taking care of myself is tough sometimes. I just have too much love for this blog and what is has become by now. 

On a different but not necessarily lighter note: my friend said the other day that some posts made me sound OCD. Well, if the Tantrum post was crazy to some, what does this entire post make me look? And maybe it is my obsession with books and reading that I have any iota of control over. I just love it so much. [You might need this information if you sign me in at Shutter Island!] It is always like this: some days are better and some are just the worst ever. My son has a cold since Friday night and his little snotty nose is driving me crazy. He woke up last night at 2am! screaming his little head off. I am wondering how long my heart takes this. Imagine sleeping safe and sound and out of a sudden you hear the loudest screaming ever. [Beware, he does not ever sleep in the same room with me. Hell no!] My oh so lovely child who usually sleeps through the night like an angel turned into a nightmare for the last couple of nights. He is perfect most of the time, seriously. But sometimes everything comes together and I do appreciate a much needed time for myself in the evening and at night. I am with him all day long. So last night I just walked back to my bed, sat down on my bed and cried. I felt alone, old and desperate for some sleep. [Well aware of his cold I had gone to bed before 11pm; but still.]

I also understand that he is the one with a cold and does not feel comfortable but c’mooooon at some point. The other thing is that I try the hardest not to get sick myself while being coughed and sneezed on all day long. Yay, to this strong immune system of mine. Still standing tall! As a mother, you have to get your stuff shit together. There is not time to get sick or to cry or to think back how “nice it all was before I had him/her”. It is just the way it is now. He is here! And he is sick. And he just screamed for apple juice. I will be right back…..

Since I am here in Germany I am able to get breaks from my son when I really need them. Don’t even ask about the time when I was alone with him in New York for a couple of months. Mothers always need breaks, right? And whenever I am apart from him I do miss him and I cannot wait to see and kiss his little face again. But sometimes I am just on the edge of losing my mind.  Sometimes I do scream at him. Not very often but if I have to he is just not listening at all. [Usually this happens if I am not content and 100% myself!] When I scream at him, people may think that I now completely lost my shit. Afterwards, my son hugs and kisses me and looks up asking, “Why are you mad, mommy? I LOBYU!” Sometimes I have to do the best I can, smile and keep moving forward. I LOB him Too and there is no going back and it is all good the way it is. 

Hi mothers out there. I would love to hear your thoughts. How do you deal with difficult situations? Do you scream and your children? Do you cry sometimes? What drives you crazy. I would love to hear from you. 

Hello and Happy April Fool’s Friday! 

So my husband asked me today if I detected any April Fool’s pranks so far. Well looking at the “news” blankly while shaking my head I have to say that most articles I read or saw are a joke anyway.  If you are in need of some ideas for a prank, check out this link.  I also realized that I don’t have to move to the Bronx or Brooklyn to see street/gang fights, drugs and crime. The police just patrolled the area here in this otherwise quiet, children-friendly neighborhood and almost arrested a bunch of kids who were drunk, screaming and beating each other up. I wonder sometimes what is happening in this world. I try to stay sane and don’t worry or judge too much but I think at the same time to what extend I am able to influence who my son hangs out with when he gets older. As parents one should be a role model and show children the right way that is least harmful for them while leading by example. I want to protect him of gangs like this, you know. But will I be able to? Time will tell. My week was full of awesome things otherwise. Read on if you would like. 

Reading: I read Der Trick by Emanuel Bergman and this book kept me up reading until late at night. It is seriously that good. I found out about this wonderful book  one evening at my favorite bookstore Riemann when the owner Martina Riegert introduced it to a room full of passionate readers. Ulrike Radecker (Riemann Team) introduced  Sally Andrews’s Recipes for Love & Murder that evening and I love love love this book. This is my first book by a South-African writer but will most certainly not be my last one. Book reviews will follow soon! 

Watching: I finally watched Anomalisa and I loved it! If you get the chance, do watch this movie. This video that is very special to my husband and I. Also, check out this trailer about the movie Vaxxed from Cover Up to Catastrophe. The movie was prohibited to be shown at the Cannes Film Festival. Why, is the question! You can see it at the Angelika Movie Theater in New York and hopefully at many other movie theaters. Then again, I am excited about the news that Woody Allen produced and directed a new movie. Café Society it is called and will play soon. I cannot wait. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XraVnGsYqTk

Discovering & Learning: Have you heard about Geocaching? Say whaaaat? I have heard about it a couple of months ago when I was walking outside with my friend Susi and her two sons. Her elder son told me to check a little Kodak Film tube that is attached under a park bench. I was a little skeptical at the beginning about anything attached and glued underneath a park bench but then I took a closer look anyway. I opened it and there was a little handwritten note with coordinates in it. What the hell? I was even more surprised when I saw this poster at the Leipzig Book Fair.

I remember that Susi’s son talked about this like it is the most normal thing on this earth and everybody does it. He explained that it is a somewhat worldwide treasure hunt of some type. With GPS you try to find these little containers that are hidden somewhere. Traditionally, they are waterproof (Kodak Film tubes and whatnot) and contain trade items and a tiny log book inside. Trade items or little treasures are usually not worth much but it is just a fun thing to find one. I googled geocachers and found out that there are worldwide approximately 15 million! who participate in this game. Insane, no? How come I have never heard about this? As a child I loved to play treasure hunting but as an adult? And yes, adults are into this as well. All you need is download the app and you are in. 

I learned today how easy it is to make perfect sushi rolls. Yay for homemade sushi and sushi cravings. I was even able to make the Japanese rice which I thought I could never do. Piece of cake, or piece of sushi. 

This week was full of discoveries. One word I learned is Tsundoku. It originally is a Japanese slang; “tsun-doku”. [「積ん読 and  came from 「積んでおく」 “tsunde-oku” (to pile things up ready for later and leave) and 「読書」 “dokusho” (reading books). ]  Are you guilty of buying tons of books and piling them all over without reading them?  If you suffer from Tsundoku, the chances are pretty high that you will never be able to finish all these books. I am guilty in a way myself but actually I am not too bad. I do read most of my books but many times I do purchase some and have not even finished the one I am currently reading. But honestly, I can never ever go to my favorite bookstore and just look around and buy nothing. I ALWAYS buy one book whenever I go in there. I currently have seven books on my to-read pile. Not too bad indeed I reckon. 

I loved to find new galleries in New York. I mean everybody knows the big ones like MoMA, The Met and Guggenheim). But what about all the small ones that are all over Manhattan and Brooklyn? Time Out New York is pretty amazing to be up to date on what is going on in New York City culturally and culinary but also this app specially for the little contemporary art galleries. 

Loving:  Notebooks, holy Notebooks. I love them and they make me happy. I like to plan and organize everything and this little blank notebook is so great to do so. It is by the publisher Suhrkamp and you can order your here. 

Two blog-planners that I use and work for me are the one-year editorial blog planner Epic Blog and this smaller version Blog On that is great as well. This is how I schedule my blog posts in advance. 

Looking forward to: To see my husband and travel again. I need some Vitamin “Sea” and of course the adventure. Congo is next on the agenda. Or Mexico, or, or, or….. 

What have you been up to? I would love to hear from you. Have a great weekend. 

Hello and Happy Tuesday! 

My mom, my son and I took a long walk around a lake today. The sun was shining and in the air was the beautiful springy feeling that we all looked forward to for a long time. Being in nature, especially walking through woods makes me happy. This is a place where I am the most content. It is peaceful, I have time to think happy thoughts and just be. Actually, while walking outside most of my blog ideas are being created. 

My mind has been somewhat busy this morning after I read the news. I do read the local newspaper daily just to have a greater picture on what is going on in the world. Usually, I feel miserable reading anything about politics and whatnot. This morning I read that German singer Roger Cicero passed away last Thursday due to some type of apoplexy or stroke. Just like that. He just gave an interview two days ago and explained that he is looking forward to his tour in April. I don’t know too many songs by him but what struck me was this realization that my life could be over in one second. Any second. Any day. I tend to forget sometimes and take my life for granted. I think it is very important to keep in mind that we only have this one shot and have to make the best out of it while we still can. It can be over so quickly. While I thought about all this in the morning my grandma came over to talk a bit while she was on her way back home from this little gym she joined. Not a gym-gym. Just movement therapy for the elderly but c’mon; she is 81 years old! I looked at her and thought that it is amazing that she is still here and walks and thinks clearly. So we chatted and had a cup of coffee and she left. Sweet, I thought. Life is sweet. 

While we drove to the lake this afternoon my mom put her hand on my leg and said, “I am glad you are here.” I loved this so much. When we walked we were quiet for a bit. Just walking and breathing in air, listening to birds while my son threw stones in the water and waiting for a train to come by. For some reason I remembered how she sometimes got ready to go out when I was a child. This did not happen too often, but sometimes. Her clothes, her perfume  (forever Issey Miyake) and her old leather purse. I thought about how she smiled at my siblings and I  before she left, with her blond hair and these laughing eyes. The thing about my mom that I admire is that she always did her own thing in a way. Sometimes in this quiet way but she was doing it while always being there for us. Today I realized again how lucky my siblings and I were to have my mom just the way she was. Of course not every day was happy-sunshine, but most of them. My siblings and I of course disappointed my parents, did crazy stuff, smoked and whatnot. But in the end, they were always 100% behind us and did so much more.  Today in the car my mom even remembered kid’s songs because my son wanted to hear one. I write this a lot but it is true – it is the little things that count! The normal everyday things that remind me so much of my childhood and how I grew up. 

Now I have a son of my own and I do understand even better how much hard work my parents must have put in throughout the years. A childhood that my siblings and I can look back at any time and say without a doubt that we had the best childhood possible. Looking and listening to my mom now, I do understand why she made certain choices in life. When I was a teenager I thought I would never ever be like my mom (or dad) but now, looking back, they were not that bad after all. I share so many good qualities with mom – qualities I am proud of and I have a plethora of memories of any kind with my parents.

We have actually been at the same lake when my son turned one-year old.  We celebrated his birthday right there on a park bench, bird watching and eating chocolate muffins. Perfection! 

While we walked back to the car we observed an awesome sunset, it became a bit chilly and a couple passed us. I was just about to say something about them when I looked at my mom and she said nothing; she just played with my son. I realized then and there that I do not need to judge anybody because who am I to judge. I have enough to learn and improve within myself. Someone walks by and does not look the way I want him to look? Well, I am not walking in his shoes, right? They live their own life. Who knows what the person is going through. Again, who am I to judge!

By the time we made it back to the car I realized that my life is perfect the way it is. And if it would be all over, I would be fine with it. No regrets – nothing, just peace.