.SOMETIMES RAW.

I would like to share with you ten things I no longer buy in an attempt to make my life easier and less cluttered. These are things I stopped buying and of course, you don’t have to stop purchasing those if they make you happy. This is just food for thought and ideas if you are thinking about things you can live without or buy less of. Also, if you intend to save some money,  live a little bit more minimally then hopefully you will resonate with one or two of these things I want to share.

The first thing I no longer buy are clothes that I don’t love. I am shopping with this thought in mind that I want to actually wear this item over and over, regularly and long-term. I really like to have items in my wardrobe that are versatile, and that can be worn in many different ways. Something that I avoid doing is buying clothing that are one-offs or that can be worn only by itself and don’t match other items I own very well. The next items I stopped buying are purses and handbags. I used to love shopping for handbags and had a bunch of them in different sizes, shapes, styles, color, and even expensive brands but I really thought about downsizing and getting one much smaller size purse that fits the simple things that I want to carry around and stick with that. What I love most about having just one small size purse is that I only carry in it what I need which is not a lot. Think about what we really need!  It sort of forces me to take only the essentials like my wallet, a lipstick, my small moleskin journal and a pen. Just the bare necessities and this is what I need and prefer doing.

The next item I stopped buying is a large wallet. All I have is a small, rectangular size wallet for a couple of reasons. I don’t have dozens of cards, credit cards, and point cards, and coupons. I don’t even know what people put in their wallets these days. I am also that type of mother who does not have pictures of her son in her wallet. Is this still a thing? I used to love purchasing wallets, especially the big ones that zip around and hold all my stuff. I just no longer have a use for that or need it. And a larger wallet would not fit in my tiny purse anyway. Another thing I stopped purchasing is jewelry. I no longer buy jewelry the way I used to and I have actually never even been a big jewelry wearer strictly because I don’t find jewelry comfortable, I don’t want things around my neck or wrist and I don’t like earrings dangling on my ears. Sometimes I love to wear a tiny pair of earrings that I have that I got a long time ago but other than that I don’t buy it anymore. Hence, I don’t have a jewelry box that stores tons and tons of pieces in it.

The other thing that I stopped buying is souvenirs,  knick-knacks, and collectibles. Any time I am traveling, I have no interest in stopping at a gift-shop to buy stuff to display in a cabinet or around my house. I don’t even have a cabinet. Or a house. My memories are in my head. And if they are fading or I cannot recall, then they are not that important in the first place. The next things I stopped purchasing are pre-made sauces and dressings. Years ago, I always used to buy those out of convenience, to make salads or to cook with but studying what the ingredients are I rather leave them in the store. I rather prefer to make things homemade because it is so easy to do and I know what is in it. It is also so much better for me because these packaged foods are loaded with ingredients I cannot even pronounce, chemicals, artificial flavors, preservatives and other additives such as colors.

The next thing I have stopped buying are hand/body/face lotions, shaving creams, creams, peelings, toners, and moisturizers. I just use a couple of simple oils such as jojoba oil or argan oil. I add essential oils to some or I buy them in a blend and I use them for all of those things. They work fantastically as a hand cream, facial moisturizer, an all over body moisturizer or work as a shaving cream as well. I sometimes use some coconut oil that I have in my cupboard to cook with and it is just as good. The next item I have also completely stopped buying is body wash. I used to love or actually prefer body wash in plastic containers but I no longer do. What I instead buy now are bars of soap. I really like the company Soapworks because they have all kind of, very simple, clean, different type of soap bars that smell amazing while using organic ingredients.

Another thing I have stopped buying or buying into is sales promotions and coupons. Those things I pretty much never agreed to or sign up for. Any time when I am at a store and they ask me for my email address or phone number to tell me they send me an email for 15% off for my next purchase, I never agree to it. Don’t ever feel obligated to this. I used to. I used to have an email inbox loaded with promotions and discounts that I never needed in the first place.

The last thing I stopped buying is things that I have not used up yet. I do think that stocking up certain things or purchasing items in bulk is useful and can actually be a good thing. But generally speaking, I do not like to have more things around than I am actually using or already go at hand. I don’t want to be tempted by a sale or advertisements that make me think I need certain items even though I do not. All this makes me live a more meaningful life with less clutter and fewer things to worry about.

(Artwork by Mamma Andersson, “Leftovers”)

For some reason, there is this sweet restorative innocence to waking up in the morning after a good sleep and discovering that something has changed overnight. It may be the avocado that ripened overnight after I placed it in a paper bag. Or the change of weather when it gets chillier and then super humid again. Or when thoughts have changed because they are allowed to do so. Like avocados. Or when dreams change and bad ones are replaced for good. 

These days, my son and I established a morning ritual that works really well for us. We speak about the dreams we had and in the evening while having supper we talk about the day and what happened. I realized that whenever I ask him what he did in school there is usually the same response every single day. “Nothing”, he responds. But when I ask him what was the most exciting thing and the saddest thing that happened he goes on and on and talks for a long time giving me all the details. (Find out more reading this book) 

There are many times in the evening when I sit patiently next to him on the couch and listen to more stories when he should be in bed already. Then he usually asks me what day it is tomorrow. The other day I told him, “Tomorrow is Thursday. Two more days and it is the weekend. It might rain again tomorrow but who cares because we have our umbrellas and rain boots. Then we may have a playdate with your friend. Then I make us supper and you can play with your trains. My son is always very calm when he knows what is going on; what is going to happen, what is planned and how we spend our time.

I don’t lie to him (except white-lies once in a while; they do not count), but the biggest lie I eve told him or even myself is that there would be time. A couple of years ago I received a message from my good friend in New York: “My husband is in intensive care and about to pass away after a motorcycle accident”, it said. Or my other friend who survived TWO cardiac arrests. Who survives TWO cardiac arrests? It was completely unexpected and I felt how I was about to collapse right there. It made me realize again that everything can end in one single second. Just the thought gave me mild panic attacks. 

So, everything I thought I knew about time changed right there and then. I also thought a lot about the word “forever” or “never” and I still think constantly about them. The odd thing is that as soon as some time has passed the thought of “everything could be over in one second” is not so present anymore. Life continues and everyday duties take over and time no longer feels mercurial, yet consistently urgent.

There is always tomorrow, I told myself. 

Other lies I used to tell myself were that I have time to do X, Y, and Z. Or that being someone’s someone means I have to delay all my desires and patiently wait. Or that I will really do this or that and be dedicated to getting it done yet postpone it again. These days I am thinking, “now or never” which was replaced by “maybe later”. This newfound knowledge to start and finish things and projects that I postponed, was afraid of or thought can wait, motivates me these days and it feels so good. It is all not as complicated as it sometimes seems. I just cannot lose perspective. It may be a little push in the right direction or the realization that I can accomplish anything when I just focus and stay on track. Other times, there is this pressure that is coupled with a somewhat significant f*****-up-ness of having to start all over again at age 37. I am wisening up, realizing what was and what is. Deep and shallow thoughts are disappearing and no longer compose and court me like deep and shallow breaths. I have avoided and not listened to myself for quite some time with such ease that even when obstacles started to present itself, I did not pay attention. My response usually was to simply adapt around it. Avoidance with a mix of smooth restraint can go very far especially when a partner has an obsessive interest in their own stories more than anything else. 

Looking closely at the bigger picture, this time in my life is another great challenge and learning process leading me in a better direction. Considering how I talk about this certain time now made me realize that I simply should stick to present tense. Today is Saturday. The moon is shining. I am writing. I am happy. After all, I am just here, bungling this imitation of life, trying to find new ways to survive. Don’t we all? 

What I usually hear is, “say yes, try something new, expand, go forward, give it a chance,  be open.” There were times when I said yes just to please others which is the worst.  How about I start a season of No because this is simply what I really need. To say, “No!”

The last couple of months I have spent a lot of time juggling quite a few things. Running around, school work, assignments, reading some ridiculous emails, answering a few but not all, a move, fitting things in between things and then add more things while getting used to a new situation and environment. In all honesty, the crazier and busier it is, the more strengths and power I seem to have. Until I crash. Hard! But this usually takes a long time. I like new plans and schedules and I am surprisingly functioning pretty well under pressure. Not when it comes to statistic homework, assignments and spreadsheets.

I lean towards perfectionism. My perfectionism comes with a very strong urge to do everything myself, so it is exactly how I want it when I want it by giving and applying 200% to anything I sign on for or that is assigned to me. A couple of weeks ago I had this feeling that I cannot go on like this anymore.  I slept badly for weeks, I was constantly tired and dealt with a foggy, cloudy brain most of the day. I was exhausted and ran myself down with more errands, self-inflicted stress and everyday life. This was the time, when my body responded to all the stress I had created by simply stopping me in my tracks. And for the first time, I really listened.

I said No to certain people and projects. This was very hard for me because I have this need to get everything done that I signed up for. Saying no felt initially weird but in hindsight, I remember feeling incredibly relieved. I wanted more of that. There was a wedding and a bachelorette-party I was supposed to help planning but I said No to both. I experienced another full-body sigh of relief when that was not on my to-do list anymore. Although I really wanted to do both things to perfection,  I knew for my own well-being that I needed to say No. I continued saying No for some time and released myself from any additional tasks outside of my son, writing, and school and it felt so good. I decided to lean more into that then because it felt awesome.

It is so natural to say yes to everyone and everything, because yes makes people happy, and making people happy naturally makes us happy. It was always yes, yes, yes with me. These days, I ask myself simple questions first before making a decision. First and foremost, how do I really feel about this? Is it really a good idea to say yes? Even though I need time to fully recharge and refocus a bit, life is good these days. My life is calming down and most importantly, I do not lose focus. I know what I want and what I do not want anymore. A major priority I will never skip again.

Other questions I ask myself are if certain things in my life reenergize and inspire me to create or rather hold me down. Whatever I am doing I want to be there and experience it fully. For example, when I am writing, I am writing. I do not have a nanny or a babysitter, so it is my responsibility to use every minute I have (usually early in the morning or when my son is asleep) to maximize my output. Time management is key for me and I became very good at it without tiring myself out.

Everything in life is a choice. I learned that I am in charge of how I spend my time and with whom as well as the effect my choices have on my life. My friend told me the other day that, “you can do it all and give 200%, but you cannot do it all well.” Sure I can say yes to everything, but something’s got to give at some point down the road. Balance is hard, but I figured it becomes easier when I simplify the things I am trying to maintain. The other day, my son wanted a toy at the store and I told him he cannot have it. He looked at me and said, “you can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes well you might find you get what you need.” I listen to The Stones a lot.

So yes, I believe I CAN have it all if I define what my “all” is. I get to decide, then create it, and have this cake and eat it, too. It is up to me. I know in my life, my “all” included a deep, solid relationship with my son, friend, friends, enjoying the work I do, writing and carving time out for me. I will also add good food and lots of nature, mindful- and quietness. It is all very simple and I refuse to complicate my life anymore.

I bought my son the toy. I mean c’mon he can recite THE STONES!