The other day I had a chat with a friend about makeup. She suggested that we apply makeup again since we didn’t do so in a long time. Honestly, I am not a huge makeup person. I don’t have the time in the morning for all those lotions and potions but I rock a bright red Chanel lipstick once in a while. Nothing else. Just that lipstick. Since I am not a pro in the makeup department, I looked up easy-to-follow tutorials on YouTube and this is what I learned. Hey Magda! How do you like it?
1. Purchase lots of makeup. However much makeup you think it will take to achieve the drama look, it will take far more makeup than that. Go to any social media site, and find a how-to video on applying makeup. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wNmLSc1pb6E
2. Get a lighted mirror with at least 300X magnification. Confronting the brutal truth of your skin at this age will be frightening, but you are a middle-aged woman, and lately, you seem to delight in brutal truth to the degree that it is becoming uncomfortable for those around you.
3. Start with under-eye concealer because you look like a panda if pandas were chronically furious. Be sure to moisturize first; if you don’t moisturize, the concealer will settle into your wrinkles, and you’ll look like a lizard. There are so many animals you must now work to avoid resembling.
4. Apply a “primer.” There are primers for redness, sallowness, and splotchy-ness. You need all three.
5. Oh no. You’re having a hot flash. Now you have to start over. Wash everything off, repeat steps 1—4, and re-join the video.
6. Jimmy from work is calling you. He has already emailed and texted you. In his defence, you’re supposed to be chairing a meeting. Answer your phone and scream, “Jimmy, I AM RECOVERING FROM A HOT FLASH WHILE ATTEMPTING TO APPLY MAKEUP!” and then hang up. Jimmy will leave you alone now, and you can proceed with step 7.
7. Use an eyeliner/shadow duo that’s the same shade as your skin (do not question the logic of this), just like the woman in the video for mature women (who is nowhere near your age; she is 33). “Chubby stick” versions of the product work well and are more accessible for arthritic hands to maneuver (this is not a comment on your weight, so please settle down).
8. Try to figure out what “tubing mascara” is. Give up and apply it anyway, to however many eyelashes you have left.
9. Fill in your eyebrows using some product with a stupid name. Pray to any god you still worship that the bushy-brow trend ends soon. In the meantime, try to stop critiquing the young women with caterpillars on top of their eyes. Do you think you might be bitter because when you were their age, you plucked yours down to nothing and then they never came back?
10. Uh-oh. Your husband just appeared, and he is mocking the makeup video. He will have to be killed. Once he’s dead, move on to step 11.
11. Apply the shimmer stick to whatever part of your face still looks old. You can put it on your cheekbones, eyelids, lips, etc. Some women even use the shimmer stick to highlight the top of their breasts, but we are not recommending this for you. (Your breasts probably sag slightly.)
12. You are done. You have used so much time, energy, money, and makeup to create this perfect look. Your bank account has taken a huge hit, you’re fireable-level late for work, and you’ve murdered your husband. The important thing is that you look like a million dollars. However that is supposed to look. Nice work, my friend.