Spring is here which is the season for drinking cocktails and devouring salads while wearing light summer dresses. So what do you do if you don’t drink anymore? We all know that only small children, recovering drunks, and people in ankle-length vintage skirts choose not to drink, right? To avoid the questions and concerned faces of your coworkers, friends, and family (who are whispering that maybe I am actually pregnant at forty-one), here are some suggested ways to turn down that glass of booze:
1. “I’m taking antibiotics”
Scratch your inner thigh to avoid further questions
2. “I’m training for an Ironman and I’m bulking tonight”
Carry a tub of protein powder around the party for an extra distraction
3. “I pre-partied and I’m already loaded”
Knock over a lamp for emphasis
4. “I’m recovering from surgery”
Choose an organ that no one understands and you can probably live without, like the spleen or part of your liver
5. “I’m violently allergic to alcohol”
Wince as you say this as if remembering the last time you drank
6. “I’m chewing a piece of gum and I don’t want to stop”
If you don’t actually have gum in your mouth just chew on your tongue
7. “I’m doing a detox before my next ayahuasca retreat”
Add, “I’d love to tell you about my spiritual journey in great detail…”
8. “I have to check in with my parole officer in a few hours”
In your best Morgan Freeman voice, say, “Some birds aren’t meant to be caged”
9. “I just shit my pants”
Shit your pants
10. “FIRE!”
Run
More (Existentialist) Life Hacks I Think About
11. To believe in the power of habit. Wake up early. Eat well. Meditate. Destroy your idols. Stare into the void and face the anguish of choosing who to become.
12. To do twenty-five minutes of staring at a blank screen or into space, thinking that life is empty, followed by five minutes of strolling around my neighbourhood, thinking that life is empty.
13. Cook in batches. This way, you get vegan enchiladas all week and the benefit of asking, “Do I like vegan enchiladas, or am I a poser who cooks in bad faith, to impress a woman, thereby disavowing the freedom to eat a steak?”
14. To spend hours petting my cat named Schopenmiauer.
15. To tell people about my goals. This is huge. It holds me publicly accountable and keeps me perpetually terrified that you are alienated.
16. Six words: Tony Robbins, Brené Brown, Eckhart Tolle. Six more: Don’t want ’em, don’t need ’em. My true life coach is any baby who is crying hysterically, ever reminding me that life is a disorienting hellhole that defies explanation.
17. Whenever I will feel lost, I spin in circles until I vomit. Doesn’t really help, but it’s kind of fun.
18. Whenever I will hear someone start a sentence with “Why—,” I don’t wait for them to finish, I just scream, “Yeah, why!” while punching them in the face.
19. My books are my friends: Camus, Sartre, and Nietzsche. My real friends are all sick of me quoting Camus, Sartre, and Nietzsche, so we don’t talk anymore.
20. Instead of speeding through life like a maniac, I will pause to appreciate nature. I like walking in the park, sitting under a pretty tree, and staring at the bark for hours until it looks like an incomprehensible alien substance.
21. Once a month, I will run through a giant corn maze to remind myself that I’m free to take whatever path I choose but that it all leads to a bunch of fucking pointless corn.
22. Once a year, I will dress in a giant Elmo costume and get arrested for public urination, because I am embracing the life of the absurd.
23. I will take “me time” just to think. I think about how warm weather is nice, or a funny joke I heard, or how I want to become God.
24. Shorter showers! Sounds silly, right? Not at all. That’s six extra minutes per day to wear my Elmo costume, and scream my despair at an empty sky.
25. My bedtime ritual will be all about mindful relaxation: Dim the lights. Play some Enya. A little light reading of Kierkegaard’s Fear and Trembling. Resign myself to the hard truth that I’ll never have faith in anything. Before I drift into a dreamless sleep, I smile a little as I realize I get to wake up tomorrow and do it all over again and again and again and again and again and again.
