I love you, mom. Happy birthday. You make the best chicken soup on this planet. Hope to see you soon. <3
Advice My Mom Gave Me: Do what you love but finish school and get a degree.
Me: Go to college or university only if you’ll major in science, engineering, or money. It’s a bleak job market, and majoring in English literature or anything with the word “English” in it has been useless unless you want to become an English teacher.
My Mom: Never show up to a party empty-handed.
Me: Never send a text to the host twenty minutes before the party starts to say that you’re “sooooooo sorry” to cancel but you have stomach issues.
My Mom: You want a job? Write resumes and apply.
Me: Apply to jobs via LinkedIn, ZipRecruiter, nepotism, or Vitamin B. Write a cover letter and attach your résumé, then manually enter the same information through the company’s portal, which looks as though it was designed in Microsoft Paint. Do this twenty times a day for two years, and you’re bound to make it to the third round of phone interviews before getting ghosted. They might let you wait for months, let you redo the test and interview, then re-apply for your post, or don’t call you at all.
My Mom: Don’t put photos of yourself on the Internet. You’ll get kidnapped! Or your child. Also, why do you have to share so much other stuff on Facebook or your blog?
Me: Post thousands of carefully curated photos of your life on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn so you can build a following and attract sponsors who reflect your core values.
My Mom: Spend your twenties finding a partner within a two-mile radius of your village. Someone who is “normal”. Then build a house, settle down, keep your job even though it sucks, build a white fence around your house, get a dog and a cat (optional), two (or more) children, and plant a tree. Come over for coffee and cake anytime.
Me: Spend your twenties and thirties moving between the U.S. and Canada, back to Germany, maybe Italy, and finally Vienna to figure out what you want in an ideal partner by dating as much as possible imagining you found real love. Have one child in between.
My Mom: Never date someone who seems weird to you. Listen to your gut.
Me: Don’t listen to your gut because you know better. Listen to your head that tells you, “He might not be the best but he takes the garbage out if you remind him. And he cooks you dinner if you pay for it because he is broke in the middle of the month. Or he smokes a joint to drive more safely because people on the road make him aggressive.” Date someone who rides a unicycle, is a Fruitarian and shares his apartment with seven cats. Date someone who wants to start ten projects at the same time and gets nothing accomplished in the end. Date someone who has an ego as high as Mount Everest. Then get married to those men and listen to your mom who will say, “I told you so! We all did!” Then get a divorce and pay for everything.
My Mom: Invest early. Get life insurance. Safe money. Don’t overspend and never be in debt unless it is for a car (that you really need) or a house. THOSE are good investments.
Me: Spent all your savings on divorces and books.
My Mom: Never wait to do your taxes.
Me: If you wait long enough to do your taxes, there might be a global crisis/pandemic that forces the federal government to extend the deadline. Then you can wait some more and do them right before the new deadline.
My Mom: Don’t talk to strangers (on the Internet). Avoid eye contact on the bus and subway.
Me: Talk to every stranger (on the Internet), because meeting new real friends is really fucking hard. I spoke to the lady who decided it is okay to eat her seafood lasagna next to me at 7:30 am on the train. She never became my friend.
I wrote about this. ————> [Subway Creatures: How not to be an asshole on the train]
My Mom: Find a good job that pays well so you can save for retirement and enjoy life.
Me: Retirement is something you’ll read about in your history books under the rubric “Abstract Ideas.” Who knows if we all even get there. This damn pandemic taught me to live in the here and now, enjoy life, spend money but all within my means. And I actually consider twice if I really need something before purchasing.
My Mom: Health is the most important thing we have. Invest in health.
Me: THIS I fully agree with. <3
I considered the alternatives and failed many times because you were pretty much right on with everything. Love you, Mom.
