I like to have a plan. To some degree, we all do I guess. Humans are change and risk-averse. My need to control everything around me has backfired many times. The more in-control I tried to be, the less I actually controlled. Because change is the only constant in life, I learned that control itself is an illusion. How could I possibly have control when there is the Corona-circus dancing around me and I am in the middle?
We all are heading into spring and summer of uncertainties that will have a big effect on everybody’s life. This alone has made me feel out of control, as there are so many factors that are literally outside my command center. Add on top of that economic uncertainty and I put my hands up. I surrender.
I was always a person who doesn’t give up, doesn’t give in, doesn’t ask for help, and for sure doesn’t show weaknesses. Which is why I had always considered the word surrender to be blasphemous. Surrender was never a possibility to consider. I usually bulldoze through whatever stands in my way. That all changed, abruptly on Friday, March 13th 2020. When the world started to stand still. It felt so weird not to be in control.
“Until your knees finally hit the floor, you are just playing at life, and on some level, you are scared because you know you are just playing. The moment of surrender is not when life is over. It is when life begins.” – Marianne Williamson
I know this is entirely cliché, but this was exactly my experience. The moment I finally let my knees hit the floor was when I stopped playing at life, and every bit of good that’s come to me since then stems from this reversal of opinion on surrender. It takes strength to admit I am weak, bravery to show I am vulnerable, and courage to ask for help. It felt very strange in the beginning. Surrender to me means that when something isn’t working, I don’t force it anymore. When something is out of my control, I stop trying to control it. And when the shit comes pouring down, I know I will survive it. Somehow. Because this too shall pass. It means I know everything is happening exactly as it should at just the right time, and I no longer believe I am responsible for everything in the world.
It wasn’t until three weeks ago, which brought more and more hints at the overbearing uncertainty of my life, that I had to sit down and do some emotional healing and soul searching. It was during my meditation, yoga, writing, and crying sessions that the word surrender actually came to me. At first, of course, my natural tendency to control kicked in. And then reality (and the fact that too many things are now out of control) kicked in even harder. And then I dropped my walls and felt a sense of relief. There is nothing that can be done. I realized that there is a space between action and reaction. But I can choose how I react to where life brings me. It is in this space that I found healing and light.
Life no longer feels precarious, or about to crumble. By surrendering to whatever is unfolding and by accepting what is, by giving up on the outcome and allowing life to flow the way it is meant to, by stepping out of my own way and letting the natural order take the lead, I not only get a break from the exhaustion of having to control everything but I also get to experience life, instead of what I think life owes me. I believe that what life wants to give us is infinitely better than what we think it owes us.
If the current circumstances have taught me anything, it is that I can and must live presently and take small actions each day to move in the direction I want. A direction toward living and loving bigger than ever before. I can have faith. I can trust that as long as I live in a way that feeds my soul, I will always be in the right place. What helps me is to know that there is a bigger plan, a higher purpose, for me and for all of us. Things will definitely change drastically. I have learned that I need to love myself more. It is through self-love that I can feel strong enough within myself to let everything else go. I can be my own queen and sit on a throne. And it is my throne. It is the front seat of the rollercoaster of my life. I am buckled up and I won’t look back. Just forward. With someone special next to me.