Hello and Happy Tuesday!
There was a time in my life when I was scared of everything. Scared of public speaking, scared if I could raise my son when not one single plant survived in my apartment. I used to worry about everything and Yentering constantly about possible horrifying outcomes was what I did best. Well everybody has their little stories to tell. I proofed myself that I can do whatever I put my mind to when I stepped on that plane and left my country behind to start a new life in New York. My life in two suitcases. No family. No friends, but a piece of paper with a work contract. The weird thing was that homesickness did not hit me until I was already in the US for three weeks or so. And it hit me hard. I slept on the floor on an air mattress in my new apartment, some clothes neatly folded served as a pillow and next to me some pictures of my family I took out of a photo album at my parent’s place. That was it. I looked out of the window that had no blinds yet, saw the stars and realized that my parents must get up to go to work soon. Time difference is six hours which was also very tough to deal with in the beginning. I felt lonely, I missed them so much.
I worried if this was the right decision. To leave my old life behind and start something new. Break my old pattern and routine not even knowing for certain when I will be able to see my family again. Let me tell you, it was not easy. But life if not easy. And there are always ways to figure things out. New doors open, old ones close. My dream was always to live in New York. Ever since my mom and I flew to this amazing city to go on a shopping trip! I sat in the plane on the way back home and thought, “One day I will live here” while I cried and my mom looked at me skeptically giving me the side-eye. I was fifteen years old. When I re-watched all Sex and The City Episodes in English I knew it is time to leave Germany behind for a while. There was just no time for self-doubt or that I won’t succeed. Of course there were times in my life when I had the feeling to be completely stuck. Sometimes due to fear. Sometimes uncertainty rules me, takes over if I let it happen. It is all a work in progress.
With le husband we discussed things like what is actually stopping me from making any changes in my life. Or from telling anybody how I really feel sometimes – saying “Yes” when I mean “No”. What is it that fear does when I said I want to quit my first job because I am unhappy with what I am doing? Fear usually says, “hey, wait a minute, what are you doing?” Fear made me feel incapable of doing this step because I was so comfortable. And being comfortable with something means to stay nicely put at the same spot, together with all the habits (good and bad) and routines I lived with for so long. Then I was stuck and terrified. But I knew I needed to move on. I wanted to show myself what else I am capable of, how well I can adapt to something new. Sometimes the excuses why I did not do such and such were just lies – and I knew it. Fear was holding me back from change or new challenges but I learned that I can figure anything and everything out.
I enjoy trying something new and stop making all sort of excuses that might hold me back from living the life I always wanted. Even though le husband tells me sometimes that I am doing exactly the opposite since I am back in Germany. “You become lazy”, he says and he is somewhat right. I won’t say I fear what is on our family agenda next but I do get this feeling a tiny bit that I am comfortable. Comfortable with a routine. We had a long conversation the other day about all these things and I am back on track. I am simply moving beyond all my excuses and jump in the cold water. What is the worst that can happen? Failure is not an option! Things changed for my family again but it is all for the better. I am off to new challenges, adventures and I am excited. Keeping the eyes open for new options.