.SOMETIMES RAW.

Hey there,

you are only six years old. Playdates, not “real dates” await you for many years ahead. But, at the right time, as you grow, take a look at the books I have written. Some articles will help you in choosing friends, too, not just when seeking a romantic partner. Learn to be intuitive and observant. Believe me, I learned this the hard way throughout my dating “career”. Use your head together with your heart. Quickly size up those around you, to better understand and interact with them. Learn to adapt your approach and dialogue to the different personalities you meet. This way you will get more easily what you want or need, and persuade others of your points of view. Do you know how you can test this? Come to me and convince me that you are right when I think otherwise. The world awaits you. Enjoy your life adventure.

This section is for when you are quite a bit older: Are you searching for the “right” partner, but finding lots of “wrongs?” Listen, avoid dubious dates and walk away from trouble. Say goodbye to heartaches and wasted time. How? Learn how to profile. Believe me, I learned the hard way many times. First: Know Yourself. The deeper you delve into your heart and mind, the better prepared to recognize your ideal match. Be truthful. What is important to you? What do you value? Career, hobbies, pets? Family and friends? Money and material objects? Religion? Sexual preferences? THEN imagine your partner. I believe, qualities that are MUSTS for any partner are supportive, considerate and respectful. There is no exception to this rule! Moving on to shared values, common interests, ways of interacting and communicating. Physical appearance and personality, to morals, values and life vision. My love, don’t worry if you cannot come up with an exact portrait. Think about it and explore because dating is trial and error. Looking for casual relationships and not the “perfect one” yet? That’s ok, but still, choose “good matches”. This way, you will have a better time and maybe make lasting friends.

Examples: You are at work. You see and meet interesting people or are introduced to someone for the first time. Start to observe. Who is the person? What are they communicating to you? Verbally and non-verbally, with their gestures and their eyes. Are they lying or telling the truth? Observe, analyze, think, then decide. Decide to jump in, or walk/run away. I will share some bad date distractions with you. This may be useful whether you meet people online, at a party, bar, or any other venue.

1. Take a good look at the other person’s body language or non-verbal expression. They way they move, gesture because the stands communicate a wealth of information about self-confidence and honesty. Take a look at the appearance: clothing, choice of hair color, jewelry, tattoos, tidy or unkempt, arty/hip? But be careful because appearance can also be deceiving. What you wear is not who you are. Very famous people opt for a hoodie and jeans. So, don’t judge on appearance alone.
2. Touch/Personal Space: Handshake (stong/limp), eye contact, personal space. Isn’t it nice to get a firm handshake, a smile and good eye contact from a person? These nonverbal cues usually indicate a confident, positive person, at ease with him/herself. Personal space varies of course. A tentative handshake and evasive eyes? May be the body language of a shy or insecure person. Observe.
3. Facial expressions. Smile or frown? What is their face telling you about their personality or interest in you? Do they look at you directly or are their eyes shifting away or downward, moving, blinking?
4. During conversations: Is it open and respectful? Is he/she facing and focused on you? Is he or she really listening to what you are saying? Is he/she interested in you? I observed that when people are engaged in talks with me, they listen with their eyes – looking directly at me with interest to gauge the other’s response and maintain the flow of conversation. They wait patiently for a response, showing respect and focusing on me. I know that when someone is really comfortable, light touching is included, such as touching the arm or lightly tap on shoulders or back, if this is appropriate. I mean, it is obvious that someone constantly checking their phone while with you is not really interested in what you have to say or who you are. Time to walk away? Could be. Also, watch out for commanding, belittling or controlling personality.
5. Posture/Gestures: Leaning forward or back, arms or legs crossed, slouching or sitting up straight? Simple gestures may add to the conversation. Constant wild gestures could be cues to dramatic, center-stage type, attention-seeking personalities. But some foreign cultures use gestures more than others.
6. Listen to their tone of voice. I study linguistics so this is very interesting to me. What they say and how they say it. Listen carefully to pitch and loudness. How they pause and stress words. Do they speak clearly? A self-confident person does not mumble. Is their voice overly loud? Annoying? High-pitched? Are they seeking an audience other than you? Possibly and arrogant, self-centered person? But words themselves may not tell the whole story. So, listen carefully to how they are said.

This all may seem challenging but believe me, I have been dealing with these things for many years. But you will be surprised to find you already know many techniques and automatically use them in everyday interactions because I have been teaching you these things. With this little checklist, you can become even more aware of the infinite clues people unconsciously reveal during conversations. Now, get going and look for that special person, my love.

Mom

Have you seen The Neighbors’ Window by director Marshall Curry? The short film features an exhausted married couple with three kids, who watch their twenty-something neighbors through their window. It won an Oscar for Best Live Action Short. If the story sounds familiar, it might be because you heard the true story told by Diane Weipert on the Love + Radio podcast.

I moved about a million times in my life already. In one of my old apartments, I could see a neighboring family clearly through my living room window. We ended up becoming friends in real life, and we would text each other saying “I see your husband got a haircut!” “I wonder why your husband is riding his bicycle completely naked on the home trainer in the living room every Sunday evening!” or “Are those your in-laws visiting?” It was a strange but fun part of living in the city.

I love the countryside, don’t get me wrong. But things like my neighborhood watch make my urban living heart happy. When I lived in New York City, I could see clearly into my neighbor’s kitchen from my living room window. So, I saw when he was home or cooked. And occasionally, when he walked around naked! I refer to him affectionately as the naked neighbor. He and I ended up becoming friends and I always felt a sense of comfort when I would see him cooking, just knowing he was next door. I was sad when naked neighbor moved out. Then a couple with a dog and a six-year-old moved in. They were far less entertaining and never naked in the kitchen.

I sometimes write at my desk close to the window and naturally observe things without being creepy. Hey, I am a writer. Writers do that. There is a huge apartment complex across from where I live. One day, I saw a man come to a woman’s apartment. The man stayed in the living room while the woman went into the bedroom to get ready to go out. I watched her get all dressed up and put on makeup and perfume while he paced back and forth nervously in the living room. Then she came out and they gazed into each other’s eyes and left to go out. I munched on some chips and salsa while I watched. It was like watching a movie. 

Then, there is this elderly couple. They enjoy brunch while reading the newspaper every Saturday and Sunday for hours just with their underwear on. The other day I met them at the store and they greeted me. “Hi. You are our neighbor, right? From across the street. We love your place and your son is so cute,” they said while strolling down the bread aisle. Creepy? Kinda, but I don’t really think so.

One more, then I will let you go because I could go on and on with these stories. Like, save the best for last. In one of my old apartment, I could see right across the alleyway into my neighbor’s apartment. He used to pull his blinds down so that the only part of him that was visible was from his upper thigh (window sill level) to his mid-torso (bottom-of-the-blinds-level). He was always naked and it used to crack me up. I don’t know if I ever saw him on the street because the only part of him I would have recognized was his privates. Creepy level: 5/5.

Overall, I think this movie is an incredible story and reminder about appreciating what I have, and whether the grass is really greener on the other side because it is not. Overall, neighbor-watching is fun.

Jeff: “Why would a man leave his apartment three times on a rainy night with a suitcase and come back three times?” ” Lisa: “He likes the way his wife welcomes him when he comes back home.” – Alfred Hitchcock

Happy observations.

“The course of true love never did run smooth.”- Shakespeare

Shakespeare was right I guess. And, because usually love never runs smoothly, there are great authors who write about it. Here are some great book recommendations if you like to read. Enjoy!

The Course of Love by Alain de Botton

This novel was recommended many, many times before I actually sat down and read it. I had been told it was a “super realistic” portrayal of a relationship, and that sounded depressing to me. Why would I want to read a dose of reality when I can get a dose of reality just by existing? How wrong I was. (In fact, I’ve read it multiple times since.) The story of one couple’s long-term relationship is indeed realistic but captures the kind of hopes, fears, insecurities, and longing that each of us thinks is ours alone. A gorgeous novel. 

Heartburn by Nora Ephron

Fun fact: I watched this movie in 2017 with my ex-husband while he already cheated on me and I did not know. He fell asleep during the movie.
Have you ever been wronged? Cookbook writer Rachel Samstat knows the feeling. She is seven months pregnant and just discovered that her husband (a man who is “capable of having sex with a Venetian blind”) is having an affair. Thus begins this novel, based on real events from Ephron’s life, which manages to turn a terrible situation comedic, as only she could. Bonus: The chapters have recipes interspersed throughout. Nora Ephron – one of my favorite writers of all time!

What I Know for Sure by Oprah Winfrey

Sometimes, I need a hug. Sometimes, I need tough love. Sometimes, it helps to hear that someone else has been through whatever I am going through. This book has all of that, plus some. A collection of Oprah’s beloved “What I Know For Sure” columns from O Magazine, these short essays on tumultuous relationships, self-esteem, friendship, career, connection, resilience, and finding your way span the full range of human emotions and feel like a deep talk with a good friend. I’ve turned to them over and over again through different stages, and expect I will do so for years to come. 

Eleanor & Park by Rainbow Rowell

I was never into YA (young adult) literature before I read Eleanor & Park. This YA book about two teens who meet on a bus is the perfect account of young love — that idyllic, all-encompassing feeling unlike any other. For any parents of teens, it’s a great reminder of that time of life. For everyone else, don’t let the YA label deter you. Though it’s about teens, the feelings of love are so universal, this book is really for everyone. 

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

I think this book was mandatory reading in every High school, college and literature class in the world. Hailed as one of the most beloved love stories of all time, Austen’s classic reminds us that romance has been complicated and annoying for centuries. Set in rural England, the book follows the five, very different, Bennet sisters, whom matriarch Mrs. Bennet cannot wait to marry off. Though I am incapable of reading without imaging nearly every character being played by Colin Firth, her novels never cease to amaze me. Such sharp wit, brilliant observations, timeless emotions. This one really holds up. The movie is awesome, too.

The Art of Communicating by Thich Nhat Hanh

I am studying linguistics and I am aware of the importance of good, quality communication. We all should be because communication is the foundation of all human relationships, and this book is perfect for all humans, no matter where you are or what chapter you are currently in. The celebrated monk and author discusses how to listen mindfully and express your most authentic self. I especially loved his concept of conversation as a source of nourishment. With goodness or toxicity, you absorb, like food. With specific examples for individuals, couples, and families, this book can lead us all to more loving communication. 

All About Love by bell hooks

A real gem. No list about books on love would be complete without this book by scholar, cultural critic, and feminist bell hooks. A treatise devoted to answering the question “What is love?”, it includes lines like “the word ‘love’ is most often defined as a noun, yet… we would all love better if we used it as a verb,” after which my life was never the same again. While the text skews frustratingly hetero-normative, this provocative and profound book is a must-read. 

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson 

This book is on my nightstand patiently waiting to be read. So, full disclosure: I haven’t read this book yet, but three of my friends have and all said it greatly helped them. The book’s approach is based on attachment theory and promises to help couples break free of ‘demon dialogue’ to communicate more effectively. The reviews, and there are a lot of them, are glowing.

Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage by Elizabeth Gilbert

I finished Gilbert’s Eat, Pray, Love in one day and loved it. I read it at the right time in my life. Committed came in handy when I went through my divorce. I wanted to read Gilbert’s view on marriage after her really terrible divorce. From previous experience, I am now skeptical about marriage and the whole concept behind it. It was really interesting to see Gilbert in a predicament where another marriage is the only way to be with her partner, Felipe, then get set on a journey to make peace with it. I enjoyed the interesting facts and interviews with people on their trips throughout the book and loved that there was so much relatable material. Is it for everyone? I think anyone that has been in a relationship/marriage, is currently in one or struggles with divorce can take something away from this read.

Happy reading.