.SOMETIMES RAW.

Growing up, I was a drama-free person. Protected, my only concern was to play outside, climb up the highest tree and build the biggest tree house. Life was easy. Later in elementary school whenever someone spread a rumor, I would not entertain it and simply mind my own business. 

Years later, I had this creeping realization that things had changed. Gossip was more noticeable and everywhere along my road to adulthood but I tried hard not to get involved in the minutiae of people’s everyday issues. The more I avoided gossip, the more people bombarded me with their problems, yet (and this was weird) did not really want to listen to suggestions on how to fix things. I recall, there was one particular week when I listened to one of my closest friends over the course of about three days who explain why she was so depressed and stressed about a boyfriend. It took another two days to analyze the nonsensical petty text message fight between my friend and this guy whom she spent a couple of years with but who was married. (Note to self: Do not get involved with married men!) I spent several lunch breaks at work with another friend who told me everything on how she found out that her husband cheated and the issues and rollercoaster trajectory she faced with her new boyfriend because of all this. (Note to self: Do not get married, like ever!) 

People describe me as a fairly rational human being; I am calm if you don’t push me too far, level-headed, collected and driven. But then, I am sometimes drawn to drama because it 1) distracts from my own life issues and stress for a bit; 2) it transfers me into a pseudo-peer counselor to my friends and I like to help and find solutions and 3) personal growth. I also love people- watching and to eavesdrop on first-date conversations at for example a coffee shop where I usually write and read. With personal family issues, I have this desire to get to the bottom of things. But at the same time, I am not into any pop culture news or drama and I would rather poke my eyeballs out than watch The Bachelor or Big Brother.  I guess, this magnetism for problems and issues stems back to my upbringing. Again, everything was drama-free, somewhat discouraged and labeled as “uncool” or “other people’s problems and not your business”. So I stuck to myself, my hobbies, books, and studies which I guess led to this introversion that somewhat stunted me emotionally and socially but this is totally fine. What has changed is that I started to prioritize friendships and listen to my gut and heart more than anything, but I still want to relate to others. I am ready to listen and to connect because I somehow embrace and accept that other’s trust me. But at the core, I simply just don’t let others consume all my energy and time anymore. 

We all have some sort of role within this social system which creates a feeling of belonging. Listening to other people’s stories always allows me to grow, too. With all this being said, it took me a very long time to really understand how some people work. It took me an even longer time to understand that emotions are complicated and that logic and analysis are non-existent when someone is in love. And the funny thing is, while I help others, I am at the same time sorting through my own conflicts, or develop a plan to move forward or in a completely different direction which makes it important interpersonal work. I can learn so much from others which brings me a deep sense of satisfaction. We are all resolving our own issues and move forward in a new or for us “right” direction to connect to an even deeper intimacy with who we are and what we love. 

Food for Thought:

I love to find out more about how humans tick because some stories people share with me are rather shocking. There is always this uncertainty in life; an uncertainty that removes our judgment of others and ourselves. It makes us think if we are lovable or not, or if we are attractive or not. We find out through experience and people who believe they know everything learn nothing. One way to solve problems is to first admit that actions and beliefs up to this point have been wrong and obviously do not work.  I have to keep in mind that my (or other people’s) values are imperfect and incomplete. To assume that they are perfect just throws me in a mindset that breeds entitlement and simply avoids responsibility. Also, an openness to being wrong must exist for any real change to take place. Everybody has their own values and protects them. People try to live up to them and justify them and maintain them. This is who we are. 

I sometimes call it human troubleshooting and I figured it is not so important to find myself or to know who I am 100% because this keeps me striving and discovering. In the end, it forces me to remain humble in my judgment and accepting of the differences in others and myself. 

I received a plethora of questions and comments after my blog post Vide Cor Meum. “My marriage is complicated, how can I make it work? I tried all the things you suggested“, one reader asked. Her is a list of things you may want to ask yourself before getting married.

1. Ask questions about your partner’s family. Meet the family. How do they live? Is it safe to take a shower? Can you make yourself scrambled eggs in a pan that is clean? Are there eggs? Is there any (healthy) food in the house? Is there a clean place to sit? How is the family situation? How do the father and mother treat each other?
2. Observe weird patterns or things that make no sense to you. My friend asked me the other day: “My boyfriend starts many things at the same time without finishing one first. He spends a lot of money on stuff related to his dream house when there is not even a plan established when we start with the foundation. Is this weird?” Whenever it feels and seems weird to you, it probably is. Listen to your gut!
3. Do you want to have children (together)? And if we do, will he/she be there to change diapers, help out, and spend quality time with the child(ren)? Only get pregnant if YOU feel it is okay for YOU. Don’t let anybody talk you into it and make you think it is a great idea. Having a child is like getting a tattoo in the face – you kind of want to be committed. Also, when you have a child, get ready to talk to other mothers. Usually, there is no way around. Sometimes mothers with kids talk to other mothers in a language that I do not want to understand because it is too confusing. I do not want to talk about what school lunch is less GMO, peanut/lactose or gluten-free. I also don’t blow my negative energy into a balloon or know the driveway rule. I just don’t. And I don’t care. I also don’t care if my child plays the cello or piano at age five but my son and I listen to a classical concert at the National Arts Center (NAC) occasionally. Ops, I got off on a tangent here but you get the point.

4. Money and debt. Is my debt your debt? Would you be willing to bail me out? Bail you out of what? Jail? Probably not. How much money do you have, how much money does your significant other have? Is it shared? Are there savings? How much? Enough to start projects such as a house, a family, trips, vacations etc.? How much money are you bringing into the relationship/marriage and how much am I contributing? And, you do want to make sure you see and talk about each other’s bank account statement every other month because you LIVE TOGETHER AND SHARE THINGS, right?

5. Can you deal with me doing things without you? Actually, I would prefer it. I love alone time. My sacred time to write, read and be creative. I need to be alone at times. I do not understand couples who do everything together. I prefer to have my own relationship with certain things like doing laundry alone, or cooking, or reading, or cleaning the house. I like doing my own thing and then reunite. And so should you.

6. What do you admire about me and what are your pet peeves? Do you like me if I wear my 80s vintage jeans, tank top and bangs? Do you like my laugh, my style, that I love red wine and cheese, that I want to read all the time and go to bookstores, that I love pho, that I want to travel and see the world; those little things like a cup of coffee and to read a book at a café for hours. Nobody and nothing is perfect. What are your pet peeves and can and do I want to live with them? I am 37 years old. I know what I want and what feels right and is good for me at this point in my life. I have seen and experienced a lot. I don’t dwell in the past or let my past define me though.

7. Where do you see us in five years? Living together is not easy. How much do we talk to each other? Do we resolve problems or just suck things up waiting to explode? What did we accomplish? Which pillars did we take down to build a new entrance even though the old one looked perfectly fine. Did we take the garbage out of the backyard to plant some vegetables and fruit? Do we have some savings to go on vacation? Did we take care of the debt? Do we have our dream house? How did we grow together as a couple? What did we achieve? Do you know me? Do I know you? Does being with each other give us clean energy to move forward without projecting a misguided, rather unrealistic fantasy of the future? Or does this feeling exist that we live in this particular prison anxiety has created with a feeling to be stuck in all this forever without escape because nobody wants to make the other feel uncomfortable? These are all valid questions I now know the answers to. Do you?

I always had this dream that I would write a book, if only a small one, that would carry one way, into a realm that could not be measured nor even remembered.  I imagined a lot of things but overall I love to write. I would dwell bareheaded and a summit turning a wheel what would turn the earth and undetected, amongst the clouds, I would have some influence and be of some avail or change. Everything contained in this book is true and written just like it was. The writing of it drew me from my strange build-up lethargy and I figured that in some measure it will fill the reader with a vague and curious joy. Let’s begin.

I worked on my manuscript for years and knew it needed a lot of work since English is not my first language. Systematic Functional Linguistics taught me that even the Theme and Rheme (the part of the clause in which the Theme is developed) is sometimes reversed in German.

Do you want to publish a book? The first thing is to write an official proposal and send it to publishers. At least this is how it is done in the U.S. and Canada. The proposal is a document telling the publishers about myself, the book I want to write, some sample chapters or essays, the audience I target, pictures, biography etc. Of course, I hoped this was something I can spit out in an afternoon. I looked at samples publishing proposals online and I was blown away: they were asking for 80-90 pages that won’t go into the book and actually are supposed to be mainly about myself.  Isn’t the proposal a book in itself then? Anyway, I started typing. What initially sounded like boring schoolwork turned out to be so much fun. With a tight schedule at school, I usually worked on the proposal at night or on weekends. I felt like my creativity just popped off again whenever I started to work on it. Overall, I had a lovely time. I was done in about four weeks and after a bit of back and forth and correcting my “charming English” I sent it off to publishers in the U.S. and Canada. Since I am not a Canadian citizen, I cannot publish my book here in Canada, however, I do have resident status in the U.S. so I targeted publishers there.

If you are a new author, sending out proposals can be a devastating time (almost as annoying as sending out job applications waiting for a response). All I initially received were rejections. “It sounds good, but ….”, or “We are sorry, but….” were usually the answers I got. Then one publisher said that my book sounds great and they would like to publish it. Usually, when a publisher agrees to publish a book, they give you a timeframe when you have to hand in your first draft or when the bulk of the work needs to be done. Since my manuscript was written already, I of course needed to edit it which was so much work. My publisher mentioned that I need to change many sentences and structures and came back with the copy editors notes. Changing 80% to his suggestions but he said just keep your “German style” in the rest for “personality reasons”. ” It makes the book more charming. We do not want to take the German out of you”, he said. So the book has 30% of Daniela/German-ism in it, be aware. 😉

I quickly realized that I have to do most of the work at night because I was in school full time and have a 5-year-old son who wants to be entertained. A book project like this takes up mental and even physical time. I knew that I can manage it since I have done so many other complicated projects in half the time and writing is my passion. I actually was not worried at all. All I had to do was to add up a million ideas that I have in my head in a  cohesively and coherent way.

When the writing is done, the font of the text is next. The publisher gives you several options and suggests what works best. Then the publisher works with you on the design of the book. I wanted a picture that my friend Judith Lockett took as my front cover. The rest of the book was designed by the publishing company. I emphasized that the ecstatic of the book is important to me and that the book, in the end, represents me and what I am all about. 

My first book was out. If you had told me this ten years ago, I never would have believed you. I wrote since I learned the alphabet. Writing was and is my passion. Initially, rejections make me think that I was not meant to be a writer. Dejected several times, I never stopped and feel tremendously lucky to have gotten here. 

What I love most about writing? That I can be creative. I baked about a million inside jokes into the text, created mean fantasy boyfriends named Gabriel, many lovely characters but also evil witches. Mining the contents of my memory makes the writing process so much more fun. Sometimes I can just write and have no idea where this all came from.  When I have a very good day, I can write for hours which almost feels like blacking out it pushes me in sort of trance. 

“You have just published a book. This is amazing and a success, ” my friend S. told me when I said that my life was a disaster last summer. Well, she is right. I am proud of myself but I also realize that most books do not earn back the expense it takes to produce them. Writing a book is not fancy. I mean, I am not J.K. Rowling, Stephen King, or Andre Alexis (His new book coming out on February 19th!) who probably make the majority of money for publishers while every other book ends up shortly on the Chapters “80% off-sad-pile” close to the washrooms. Honestly, I am glad my book is published and I do not care too much about how many copies I sell. This may be weird to some but to have the book on the shelf in the store means so much more to me. Success for me is when I feel immersed in my work and that I am getting better at it. 

Lastly, I want to add that reading and writing is equally important to me. I know that I become a better writer by reading more. I read everything I can get my hands on, some voices that are similar to mine and voices that could not be more different, such as Hemingway. I read a chapter in a book on Quantum Physics on my friend’s kitchen table while waiting for coffee and then asked him 10,000 questions, a memoir by Elizabeth Hay or poetry:  The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock by T. S. Eliot. Read. Read. Read.

And then, I get very quiet, sit at my desk and let my own voice speak. I take a deep breath and start typing. My best essays usually come when I am not forcing it and trust my instincts. I work on launching my new book project  “What If This Is Enough” for fun before sending out proposals to publishers on www.kickstarter.com soon if you would like to check it out.