.The Calm The F*** Down and Breathe – Method.

I am not your typical mom. Far from it actually. Parenting at points still seems strange to me and most of the time I am attempting to figure out what I will do next. There are so many parenting trends, advice and books to get lost in. I know many people who want to stay current with the latest parenting trends. These days, the hype is “attachment parenting”, “minimalist parenting”, “tiger mother parenting and so much more insanity (#eyeroll). A really good friend of mine and I stumbled upon a new technique that will guarantee your child grows up to be an exemplary student and citizen. It is called CTFD(AB), which stands for “Calm The F*** Down (and Breathe).” Don’t freak out yet. This is not a message to give to your kid. It is just for you.

When using this technique you will be assured that whichever way you choose to parent, Mrs. Tiger Mom, your child will be fine as long as you don’t eat them of course. To see it in action, my friend and I came up with some sample parenting scenarios and how CTFD can be employed. It is super easy, I promise.

Are you worried your friend’s child has mastered writing, the alphabet, reading or maths quicker than your child? CALM THE F*** DOWN.

Are you scared you are not imparting the wisdom your child will need to survive in school and beyond? That you did not do enough? That you should do more? Sign up your child for more classes after a full day of school? Tennis, Yoga, Tutoring? They are tired after school. So are you after eight hours of work. So, CALM THE F*** DOWN.

Are you concerned that you are not the type of parent you thought you would be? That your child does watch TV, plays games on the iPad and eats other things than gluten/lactose-free, vegan organic blueberry muffins even though you never wanted to raise a child like this? CALM THE F*** DOWN.

Are you upset that your child does not show interest in certain areas such as art, museums, opera, ballet, etc. at age two/three/four/five? They are still small. Is your child like Mozart? If not, CALM THE F*** DOWN.

Are you stressed that your child exhibits behavior in public you find embarrassing? Tantrums, does not listen, runs away and takes all the chocolate covered almonds out of the dispenser in the store while you are already at the register? You get the point by now. Just CALM THE F*** DOWN. Don’t forget to breathe extra deeply in the chocolate/almond scenario. Or tantrums.

So, yes, using the CTFD method, you will instantly find the pressure lifted and realize your child loves you no matter what, even if they have not yet mastered the alphabet. It is also a fact that whether or not you are the best parent in the world, as long as you love your child, they will think you are and that’s what matters the most. Another great side-effect using this method is that it makes you immune to those that prey upon the fears of new parents, like helicopter parents. Yikes. Ignore all those other parenting trends and fully commit to CTFD. I guarantee you, you will be glad you did and so will your kid(s). No need to make parenting more complicated as it already is. You are welcome.

To use CTFD, just follow these simple steps:

1. CALM THE F*** DOWN.
2. There is no second step.