.SOMETIMES RAW.

Life is not easy. Many times it is quite the opposite. And when I feel most comfortable I usually get an open-handed movie-cliche slap in the face which wakes me back up because another challenge is waiting around the corner. My motivation is to encourage myself that I am willing to consider this game I am immersed in from a different hilltop. I want to hike to the top of joy-mountain that is not obscured by dark clouds of stress, worrying and anxiety. When I have thoughts like this, these days Celia comes to my mind. I met her for the first time at a café in my neighborhood. She looks different and reminds me of Iris Apfel.

Over time, a friendship developed and I found out more about this 75-year-old woman who lives in a residence close to my apartment. Whenever I visit her, she usually serves espresso and fresh authentic Sicilian Cannoli from an Italian Delicatessen Store. She then shows me her artwork and “arrangements” which are crafts she glues together from mostly natural materials such as dried flowers, driftwood, small sparkly rocks and spends usually a sold five minutes describing all her different projects. She explains where she found the “treasures” and finishes the sentence by saying, “Well, honey, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. Stop taking life so seriously! Go out and play! Go on a long walk and see what you can find!”

I love spending time with this woman. She is different and interesting. Whenever I am with her, I always bring my journal because 1) I am a writer and love to jot things down and 2) I want to remember things Celia says. I would like to share notes from our conversation from several afternoons and weeks of awesomeness that are quite inspirational:

“Daniela, stop taking life so seriously. You are going to die, you know that, right? Start living in the moment. Stop giving so many useless f**** to whatever drama encompasses your life. This too shall pass. Get over it. Focus and stay clear-headed. Ask yourself, why you live a certain way and if something bothers you figure out how you can change it. Then change it. These days, take some time noticing the cold on your face. Enjoy every tiny bit of sun. Soon, take some time noticing the wind in the leaves, the sound of the water in the rivers. Don’t get distracted by events, sounds, messages that only disturb and have nothing to do with where you are. Enjoy the search for your little treasures. Every day hold’s a new promise, a new opportunity, a new chance”.

“Don’t waste your time or be engaged in something you don’t want to do. If it feels bad, it usually is. Don’t think about your fear(s). Jump into the deep end now! The only time you will ever have is this very moment. You hate your job, quit! You don’t have a job, consider moving somewhere else or trying something else. Be open for change. Stop tapping the snooze alarm 10 times in the morning. If you do, you should probably consider making some fundamental changes to the way you navigate your reality. If you feel uncomfortable, change something. Stop worrying about what other people may think of you. Stop judging other people’s journeys. Do you want to impress someone? Impress yourself. Designer clothes have no bearing on self-worth. Honey, the contributions necessary to healing this sick world will never come with a “Made in China” label. A lot of what you hear in the news is manipulated, twisted, and skewed. Question everything. Do you know that you can shift your views and ideals of the world with a single thought? Some people’s ego is huge but is also just is a fiction they have created to provide a frame of reference to experience the world; they are usually very insecure. And those who present their entire life on Facebook usually have seats in the front row of the freak-show tent. Keep in mind that life is an amusement park that should be enjoyed, not wandered through in fear”.

I have this urge to add a conclusion to all this. Eventually, I will get to where I want to go, but only after throwing away my hiking shoes and accepting the eventuality that my feet will get full of mud. This is exactly why not too many people climb mount happiness because the path is not well equipped with safety lines and already well-worn. There are no neon signs flashing showing the way up. The adventure only awaits my willingness to embrace it with wonder and fascination knowing that there are no limits. With this in mind, I start walking in a different direction.

“People talk a lot when someone is dying.  They talk as if the person is already dead.  Maybe it’s the first step of the healing process for those inevitably left behind.  And maybe you have already started the process by pulling a few steps away from us.  The frail used-to-be man in the bed upstairs is not our father.  You were so much more than that.” (8)

Sarah Pinborough’s The Language of Dying(Quercus, 2016) is a novella about five adults who gather at their childhood home as their father reaches the final stages of a cancer that will kill him.  Pinborough’s narrator uses plain language, and that language is the highlight of the book. At 130 pages, the book is sparse but packed with meaning and gives a glimpse of characters like an impressionist painting.  It is not a detailed portrayal of the characters but an impression of them as people, filtered through the narrator. 

The story is told from the perspective of the family’s middle child, who has returned home first to recover from an abusive relationship, then to care for her dying father.  Her siblings join her as their father’s life will soon end.  The family now consists of the dying father and his five children: Paul, Penny, the narrator, Davey, and Simon.  It’s a family of damaged people who cope in different ways.  We read the narrator’s thoughts and she speaks in her mind as though she is speaking to her father.  It’s a personal and conversational style that gives us her perspective without contrivances.  Her reliability as the person closest to the situation (apart from the father) also makes her a trustworthy perspective at the beginning of the story: “I take a deep breath of the air that has been just mine and yours for months.  It’s been two days since you last smoked a cigarette, but I imagine the lingering tobacco scent filling me up and it gives me the confidence to face the outside.  How Penny came to be part of the outside, I’m not quite sure” (5-6).  This reliability becomes strained as the story progresses and the stress of caring for her father while dealing with her siblings becomes more difficult for her to handle: “I’m crying as I change the stained sheets and I don’t know who for.  Maybe for all of us.  Maybe just for me.  There is a worm in my head that whispers that it isn’t only Paul who doesn’t think other people feel and think and care.  And maybe the worm is right” (113).  

The narrator is aware that her father’s death will change the family, and one of the key elements of the story is her balance between the intensity of the moments (good and bad) and knowing that the moments will end.  Being so focused on time, death, and change, she also compares how those relationships used to be and how they have changed or will change irrevocably.  

As impressionistic as the book is, we’re constrained by the narrator’s anxieties and memories, her love, envy, sorrow, sadness, and happiness.  There’s enough there to suggest deeper lives than we see.  So much so that the unicorn might be the least interesting part of the story.  

The one part of the book that I found disappointing is the ending.  I won’t say what it is, but after the first 120 pages, I expected a more impactful end.  It’s a bit clichéd and a let down, but I’d say that the 120 pages outweigh the 10 in that proportion.

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This book review was written by Dat Tran (guest blogger). He grew up in Nepean, Ontario. In grade 10, he wrote a book report on the fate of the royal family of Troy, and Greek tragedy and mythology became his gateway into literature, philosophy, and history.  He is not good at math.

Let’s say my eccentric brother Thomas would give me $20,000 for my birthday. There is only one catch. I have to invest the money for six years with one of two IT companies my brother suggests. Company A is super well respected all over the world for its ethics and its returns and most clients are very happy even with a sometimes modest gain. Company B guarantees that they will blow my money out of the window and then blame me for it. Which company would you choose? 

Or let’s say I get diagnosed with a rare infection that kills its victims within a couple of days (I may have watched the movie “Contagion” a couple of weeks ago). A friend of mine, let’s call her Diana, had that exact same infection and knows of the only two doctors in the world who work with it. One doctor is into research, testing, and new treatments and is curing patients with rather great success. The other one is an alcoholic who cannot even spell his name, beat her up several times, saved one person and she had an affair with him. Which doctor would you choose? 

Or let’s say it is my wedding day (ha!), and the universe sets some sort of giant stopwatch for five years. When the stopwatch goes off, I will either be divorced or I won’t. I have recently heard the rumor that 50% of marriages end in divorce. Let’s say my friend Diana knows a strategy and secret that makes me stay married while others would guarantee that I get a divorce before the timer went off. Would you want to know Diana’s strategy? 

Of course! You would invest with company A, choose the sober doctor and would do whatever it takes to protect yourself from divorce. But my friend Diana is really onto something. There really is a secret. Doctor Gottman conducted a study with newlyweds and then followed up with them six years later. Several had remained together; many had divorced. According to Dr. Gottman, all the couples that stayed married were much better at one thing: They turned towards instead of away. At Gottman’s six-year follow-up study, couples that had stayed married turned towards one another 86% of the time and couples that had divorced averaged only 33% of the time. In a nutshell, the secret is: turning toward if possible which is easier said than done sometimes. 

I think this is an awesome piece of data that suggests that there is something we can all do today that will dramatically change the course of our relationships. Or more importantly, it suggests that there is something that you cannot or should not do that will lead to its demise. Big questions: How do you turn toward instead of away? I guess in order to understand turn toward, I have to understand the “bid theory” first. My bid-theory is pretty much any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection. These bids can show up in simple ways such as a smile, a wink or in such things as asking for advice, help or requests. According to Gottman, women make more bids than men (duh!), but in a healthy relationship, both partners are comfortable to make all kinds of bids without feeling bad and even recognize many. These bids can all become pretty tricky, too. Sometimes I miss a couple of bids. But men struggle in this regard even worse so it is important to pay attention. Bids usually have a secondary layer. A what? The true meaning is behind the word or you may call it the difference between text and subtext. Yes means no and no means yes? A few examples: 

Text: Does this outfit look good? Subtext: Can I have your attention? 

Text: Let’s put Joel to bed? Subtext: Can I have your help? 

Text: I spoke to my family today. Subtext: Will you chat with me? 

Text: Want to cuddle (kiss)? Subtext: Can I have your affection? 

Text: Want to play cards? Subtext: Will you play with me? 

Text: I have had a terrible day. Subtext: Will you help me destress? 

According to Gottman, to “miss a bid is to turn away” and turning away or rejecting can be devastating. Rejecting a bid at least provides the opportunity for some type of engagement and repair but missing the bid altogether may result in diminished bids or even worse, in making bids for enjoyment, attention, affection or some other crazy stuff. I think it is really important to learn and recognize those bids and to commit to making them to each other in a relationship and then turn towards by paying attention. To simply listen to each other and talk and recognize what the partner is saying may open doors to responses. If the partner has really paid attention, he/she will have recognized and responded to both the text and the subtext. Also, keep in mind that some bids can get more complicated and you may head into more vulnerable territory. However, this will all not be a problem if you built a solid friendship first and have a good foundation from the beginning. If you are committed you can stay focused on this ONE relationship or marriage you are in and make it work if it is worth it by turning toward instead of away. My eccentric brother Thomas and crazy friend Diana would be so proud of you.