.SOMETIMES RAW.

I receive quite an amount of emails/requests asking for advice on different topics. Initially, I thought, “Who do I think I am giving other people advice? I am not qualified for this! I don’t even have it all figured out. What the f*** am I doing?” Even when I sit down and work on my book or write an essay, the blank page mocks me. “What could you possibly have to say?” the cursor asks me while patiently blinking. The blank page is an asshole sometimes. Still, I think I want to try this because writing brings me happiness. There is a magic that comes from reaching out. I don’t believe in many things, but I believe in that with all my heart. Do you have something on your mind that troubles you and you need some uplift? Send me an email and we will help each other and figure things out together.

Here is one of the emails I received:

Hey Sometimes Raw,

I love your no-bs posts and thought it is a good idea to give you a new idea for a blog post. The subject of my email is that I am cheating on my wife. I am sick and tired of feeling guilty about wanting to, but deep inside I think that it might be helpful for our marriage and maybe improve the chances to have a happy home for our daughter. Here are some supporting facts: My wife is no longer interested in sex. Before our daughter was born we had the best sex ever. Men do have a higher sex drive I guess. This is the case for me. I do find my wife sexy, but I also find other women sexy and those women will have sex with me. When I have sex with these women, it will relieve much of the emotional resentment I have against my wife for her sexual indifference. I guess we will have a better relationship because the lack of sex is no longer a source of conflict. I feel physically better because I can release some of this insane lust that is buzzing in my pants. My wife is an awesome mother and my best friend. I have tried to speak to my wife about my “issues” to rekindle her sexual passions but it did not work. I think deep down she would actually tolerate my affair(s) as long as I would continue to be a good husband and father to our daughter. Open marriage is nothing she ever wants though. She told me. Affairs with other women will never change my love for her. Do you think I should pursue outside affairs in the interest of my family’s happiness?

Thank you,

Cheating Husband

Dear Cheating Husband,

Cheating is called cheating for a reason because the issue on the table is honesty, not sex my friend. If the lack of sex in your marriage poses a serious threat to your relationship, you should sit down with your wife and tell her that. Go to couple counseling together. Let her know that you need her to commit to some concrete plan for changing things between you. Work on a concrete plan! Get a babysitter, go out together and such so you can have time together. Tell her that you need to know that things are going to change because you are frustrated and powerless in this area and these things affect your life and marriage.

Here is what you should not do: Assume that your wife is fine with you discreetly running around fucking other women. Because I can fucking guarantee you, your wife would rather talk about it and find a solution. She is not remotely okay with you fucking around. Making this argument for fucking other women on a sneak is a pretty elaborate way to justify something that is unjustifiable. It is the kind of thing that will lead to you, alone, in a one-bedroom apartment, while your sexy, wonderful wife hangs out with some handsome, loyal and honest person who makes his desires known.

When you cheat on someone, you betray their trust, you rip apart their heart and love for you, you embarrass and depress them (in this case, when there is your daughter who depends on her and she can’t really afford to be depressed beyond belief), and most importantly, you permanently alter their ability to respect you.

To me, what works is when you have someone on your side, who would never do anything to hurt you. When that person betrays you, it is hard to get that feeling back. And when a child is involved, it is intoxicating, really. Having that support and trust and care ripped from you, when there are children in the picture, could make someone feel sad and very restless than you can possibly imagine.

What you really want is to feel desired and adored by your wife because you love her so much, right?! You feel invisible and maybe even feel that she does not want or even love you anymore. What can you do in this situation? Your challenge here is to show up and make yourself vulnerable, but don’t disappear and force her into an inherently vulnerable position. If she does not want to listen to you, don’t accept that. Make her understand that this is very important to you. I guess you have put in some work to make this appear harmless and logical, but I know that this is about you feeling hurt and neglected and too powerless to change it. Powerless and insecure are the keywords here if you want to hashtag anything.

So, when you feel hurt and vulnerable (and you can actually show and admit this) and you are willing to talk openly about it all, then there is an opportunity for your marriage to grow into something more beautiful than it was before. Just don’t run away, protect yourself and lie and hide and fuck yourself and your child over in the process. That may be the easy way out in the short term but in the long term, you will drop a bomb in the middle of your life, and you won’t be able to pick up the pieces once it goes off.

How about, spend more time with your daughter? I suggest that you get to know your child a little better. Spend some time thinking about what is best for your child, so the burden of stress does not always rest on your wife. Her interest in giving you a blow-job may experience an uptick under those circumstances. Your wife takes care of your daughter all the time so maybe you get off your ass and get involved in family life instead of sitting back and watching her doing it all. Find out how you can do more around the house, to help your wife. Meditate. Work out more and eat less so you burn off all that sex-lust and fat. Most importantly, learn to speak honestly to your wife. Ask her what her minimum needs are to feel happy.

You say you love her but if you are contemplating cheating as much as you seem to be, then you will be doing her and you a big favor by just getting a divorce. Make your current outlook very, very clear to her. She needs to meet you halfway. You need to meet her halfway. It seems like you keep a bit part of who you are hidden.

All the best and stop cheating,

Sometimes Raw

Ecological footprint! What does this even mean? The ecological footprint measures the amount of nature’s resources an individual, a community, or a country consumes in a given year. Let’s focus on Canada. Here are some numbers for you taken from the WWF Living Planet Report:

As far as energy usage, Canada is ranked third in per capita and ranked in the top ten for Greenhouse Gas (GHG) emissions. The average Canadian household uses 500,000 liters of water annually. Canadian households generate 31 million tons of garbage each year. That is 2.7kg per person per day! Canadians toss more than 140,000 tonnes of electronic waste into landfills each year. Plastic use? Worldwide, over one million plastic bags are used per minute. We throw out 100 million plastic bottles every day! There are roughly 46,000 pieces of plastic in every square mile of the ocean. Sick yet? Let’s talk food.

In Toronto, single-family households discard about 275 kilos of food waste each year. Worldwide, 50% of food produced is wasted! Households waste an average of $1,456 worth of food annually. You like salmon? Over 85% of the world’s fisheries have been pushed to or past the point of collapse. Unsustainable methods such as bottom trawling, drift nets, dynamite, electro and poison fishing are being used.

Fashion? Do you love fast fashion? Consider, water pollution, toxic chemicals, carcinogenic dyes, sweatshops, waste. Have you ever wondered how it is possible to produce a sweater sold for $7,99?

What can be done?

Decrease Your Footprint:

Reduce, reuse, then recycle. Share, DIY, buy used, buy local (farmers market), buy toxin-free. Eat less meat and choose high-quality meant and sustainable seafood. Cook at home. Use less energy, drive less, turn down heat/AC, power down gadgets and standby lights. Get involved. Talk, volunteer, share, lobby, engage store managers, bosses, schools etc.

Buy less stuff! Before you buy, ask yourself: Do I really need this? If it is replacing something, can it be fixed? Can I do without it? Can I make it myself? Can I grow it? Who am I supporting when I buy this (small family business vs multi-national cooperation)? Is there a way to buy this from a local business? Is there a more sustainable option (Fairtrade, organic, recycled, sustainably made)?

Make smarter food choices! According to Statistics Canada, the average Canadian has 26 tsp of sugar daily; teenage boys have 41 tsp! Only 1/4 of Canadian families eat a homemade meal made from scratch every day, compared to half of the families in 1992. On any given day, 1 in every 3 children eats a fast-food meal. Children see 10 million ads a year just ion their ten most visited websites – 90% of those ads are for unhealthy food.

Avoid Farmed Fish! This includes salmon, shrimp, mussels, oysters, trout, bass, and tilapia. The main concerns are: Extreme over-crowding leads to antibiotic use and poor health. Farmed fish is fed with Genetically Modified Organism (GMO)-meal, often with added dye hence the nice pink color. Atlantic salmon is engineered with a growth hormone gene. GM (genetically modified) Atlantic salmon eggs are produced in Prince Edward Island (PEI), shipped to Panama to grow, then to the US for processing and finally back to Canada for sale. Yikes! The problem is the missing transparency in Canadian Regulation of GMOs for example product labeling. To be on the safe side: buy only wild – and not farmed salmon, or no salmon at all unless you really know where it comes from locally.

Meat: Overall, reduce consumption to what your body needs. Find a good farmer for meat, eggs, and dairy. Go to organic butchers that source locally. Emphasize grass-fed, hormone-free, GMO-free feed (the meat tastes so much better!) Did you know that “grass-fed”, “grass finished”, “pasture raised” are not regulated terms? Antiobiotic free means only that the animal didn’t receive antibiotics for a period of time before slaughter. Ethically or humanly raised terms are meaningless. Again, organic meat is best, ideally 100% grass-fed.

Eggs: Try to buy organic feed, animal welfare standards, and local (farmers market!). Do you know what it means when it says Cage-free on the egg carton? Cage-free means that hens are not confined to battery cages (but no access to outdoors and no idea what feed is). Free-run means hens can move around in open-concept barns (may still be overcrowded and may not have access to outdoors). Free-range: Hens can go outdoors. Yay!

Watch this: Michael Pollan’s documentary Cooked (actually, read and watch anything by Michael Pollan!)

“Cooking for yourself is one way to take back control of your diet from the food scientists and food processors” – Michael Pollan

Lifestyle questions to ask yourself:

How far is too far to walk or to cycle? What is the smallest amount of money you could live on for one year? What was the last thing you bought that you really didn’t need? Why did you buy it? Could you live without a car? How would it affect your life? Do you think that the best things in life are free? If you had no money, would you still have the same friends? How do you decide what clothes to buy? Do you know where your food comes from? Are you willing to buy second-hand? Are you comfortable borrowing things?

Stay healthy. Stay happy.

One questions I ask myself the most these days is “Why?” I pause and wonder sometimes, why certain things happen or happened, or why others just seem to work or go well together.

We have an average of 60,000 thoughts per day even though I think I may have more. Some thoughts are as mundane as if I should hit the snooze one more time, if I really need that cup of coffee or if it is cold outside. Others are more existential like “Why am I here? Do I matter? What did I come here to do”?

I used to be a person who rarely questioned anything because I simply wanted to go with the flow, be super chill, and avoid stirring the pot. When things seemingly ran smoothly, it was okay with me. But over the last couple of years, there was a lot of confusion around my theory. I learned to pay closer attention to what I want and what it means to be in control of my actions. I know that I cannot control everyone and everything but that it is important to be clear on what I want and only if it is okay for me, to then do it. I found this knowledge extremely helpful but I had to learn how to speak up when it is the right thing to do. Questions temporarily halt the flow by forcing me to take a step back and look at the bigger picture.

Am I happy? What are my limitations? Is this worth my energy? What will happen next?

I know I am going to need a strong mind and body. What can I do to get even stronger or to feel better overall? The obvious that comes to mind is to eat well, to drink enough water, exercise, meditate and get fresh air. It is equally important to rest or cancel plans. It also means to stay in the tough conversation and/or to be willing to stand alone. Also, the way I pursue a goal is just as important as the goal itself because the journey is often more valuable than the destination.

What small steps can I take in addition to get closer to achieving my dreams or goals? I do have big, big dreams. We all should have some. Important steps to action dreams are to know that they take time, focus, discipline, and persistence. So, now here we are with our big dreams and nothing is moving in any direction even though we did everything we possibly could. Why? Maybe it is not the right time yet, we have to readjust, adapt or figure out a new path which is even better aligned with the goals we hope to reach. Then the question-game and start of a virtuous circle begins again: We ask why, determine why, and finally, recalibrate our actions around a newly shaped alternative or purpose. Is it all like a card game? We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand. But guess what? Sometimes I feel I play better on clay.