.SOMETIMES RAW.

“We buy things that we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people who we don’t like.”

I haven’t been at a Mall in a while and I must say that I did not miss it at all. The other day, this insanity of consumerism and shopping hit me hard when I had to walk through a Mall to get to the Museum. All these different smells, stores, clothes and beauty parlors that are designed to catch the buyers interest and sell, sell, sell. For myself, less is more and shopping is not my hobby anymore for years now. What I splurged on was books. I was not able to leave a bookstore without at least buying one (let’s be honest here: rather 3-4!!!) book(s).The emphasis is on the word “was”. I am on a I-don’t-buy-books-for TWO-months-strike and so far it is amazing. With this in mind, I cleaned out my bookshelf with this rather shocking result that I haven’t read a myriad of books. I simply bought more and piled them all up for whatever reason. In hindsight, it makes no sense really, since this addiction to add new books to the bookshelf will never stop. Too many books, not enough time and books and new books are published daily. There are just too many books out there that are recommended on a daily basis through the media; it feels and seems so natural to just add more and more. This depiction sums up my bookshelf pretty well:

I also unsubscribed from many book review and new book release pages online since it became really insane. What next? I will simply read the books I haven’t read yet (approximately 25 or so!) which should keep me occupied for way longer than two months. Proposal, Thesis work and university readings add up as well. Honestly, who do I want to impress with my bookshelf? Nobody. I love books, yes, but just piling up to admire this bookshelf and not reading the ever-growing pile of new ones does not work for me anymore. 

Why do people buy more and more? Whatever this may be (clothing, make-up, books etc.)? Usually, to satisfy unfulfilled desires I believe. What are mine? Desire of knowledge? Many years ago, I used to buy expensive clothing because I wanted to belong which makes as much sense as watching the Bachelor or trying to figure out sense and meaning in a communication two people have in any Talkshow. Media tells me daily that we need to get this and that to be happy. You need to read this book of X,Y and Z and you need the overpriced lipstick by Chanel, you need a Sixpack so join this gym and you definitely need this fast car to be someone. Are we happy? I know I was happy initially when I bought the book but as soon as I came home, I piled it silently to my “to-read” stack. The item loses meaning pretty quickly. Every time. 

I won’t avoid bookstores and I will still buy things; however, I pay more attention to what I buy. Do I really need this book and is it worth the purchase? Will I actually read it? I also stop contemplating if there is anything better out there. Unrest and dissatisfaction and this urge to look for new things does not work for me anymore either. So I change to find focus in more important things that make me happy;  like calmness, silence (Quality time doing nothing) and love for the simple things (playing in the park with my son) with a somewhat freedom of social constraints and pressure. 

“Loving yourself…does not mean being self-absorbed or narcissistic, or disregarding others. Rather it means welcoming yourself as the most honored guest in your own heart, a guest worthy of respect, a lovable companion.” -Margo Anand

So, there is this saying that there is no greater love than that a mother feels for her child and that the moment we step into this “craziness” of motherhood, we experience love so great, so nurturing and primal that it pretty much unlike anything we have ever felt or known before. 

My son and I have a pretty nasty cold and to top it all, Monday is a holiday here in Canada which means I will spend the entire Saturday, Sunday and Monday with him. It is all good and I love to be together but it can get a bit tough at points just because I don’t really get a break and I do need one; at least for a bit – especially when I am sick. I looked at him today while he ate popcorn and we watched his favorite show in the evening and felt so much love; it was just a transcendent unconditional love. It came from deep within, it was also this feeling of life and even though we are not 100% healthy we are both here and have each other in a way. It made me also realize that I love myself just the way I am; that I am enough. I am okay. I don’t have to make myself small and there is no ache to be acknowledged or appreciated by the world even though this is what we are told every single day. We can buy better bodies, faster cars, better smiles, better lips, better breasts and we constantly need more of all this. But I know by now that I am adequate and accept myself the way I am. 

Just thinking that I gave birth to this little person and what my body is capable of makes me a pretty magical creature I think. There is this somewhat deep connection I have with myself which makes me also think that I am enough and perfect the way I am. Self-doubt is not working for me and whenever those sort of thoughts occur I am grateful for my mind,  books, talks, meditation or whatever else helps to touch base with myself to feel whole again. This also entails to read and write and if it means I have to get up early in the morning to get it done, I do it. Alone-time is salient to me and good to connect with my inner self again. I know I have to take care of myself first. After all, even on the plane you get reminded to put on your mask first before you put them on to the person next to you, right? (even if it is your own child, duh!)  But do I check if this mask is on tight enough all the time?

Looking back I have to say, whenever I felt really low and bad in my life, there was a major lack of self-love. I knew I have to get to know myself better which is a journey on its own. It is a learning process and the signs my body showed me were nicely ignored for a while until I felt really bad and down. 

The more content, stress-free and in love I am with myself, the more content and calm is my son. Whenever I am my greatest version and feel good about myself, he is awesome and tantrum-fee. For now, I am his mirror. He copies and mimics everything I do. I give him the feeling that I am imperfect and struggle with weight, beauty, diets and whatnot, what is he supposed to think? He eventually will believe all this stuff too, and will doubt his own perfection. 

The other day, my son and I had breakfast together and we sat at the kitchen counter. I wore my sweatpants, a hoodie, no hair done, just like that. I was about to go upstairs to get ready and change clothing when I looked at the clock because I knew we are sort of late for Kindergarten. I told him to hurry up and to finish his muffin. We sat there, perfectly in our imperfections when he told me, “I love you Mom.” He took another bite of his muffin and continued, “And I love me.” I looked at him and asked, “And you love you?” He took his toy cars from the counter, smiled and said, “Let’s go!” 

Maybe I am doing something right after all. 

in·dul·gent inˈdəljənt: adjective; having or indicating a tendency to be overly generous to or lenient with someone.

I have had thoughts about saving money lately. One of my main themes here is minimalism and saving money is definitely “one of my things”. I want to maximize on life by minimizing everything else basically. I have to say that I am a good saver since I am 17 years-old. This is the age when I joined Police Academy and I earned my first money. It was a slight change from 50 DM (Deutsche Mark) to 1000 DM (for police school, no less!) so I wanted everything and I wanted it right away. My father and I bought my first cell phone (Nokia 8210) because I was not 18 years-old. I remember this day so clearly; I was so proud. And you know what this phone was able to “do”? Call people and write text messages. Long story short, I indulged. I invited friends to dinner, lunch, bought them clothes, bought myself even more clothes, the world was my oyster. Not for long however. My parents saved me by helping to get rid of the debt which I am still so grateful for. Believe it or not, this never happened again! I learned – the hard embarrassing way! 

These days, I can say that I am pretty good with money and a saver rather than a spender. This cartoon pretty much sums it up pretty well and I could end this post here but I won’t, hah! 

I have to thank my mom that I have been a pretty good saver throughout my life. Of course I buy things and I spend a good chunk of money on books, travel and food but overall I do save as much as I can. However, for some reason there is always a way not to miss out on beautiful and meaningful experiences and believe it or not, most of them are free. Balance is key here. Like with everything else in life. I mentioned in earlier posts on minimalism that if I don’t have money, I don’t spend it. Simple as that. Spending invisible credit card money never worked for me and I never understood the concept of building a credit history by using your credit card all the time. How about not using it and just spending the money you actually have on your account? Of course, there are occasional exemptions that can be considered but also rather avoided.  Car loan, mortgage and such. Then again, would you sign up for a loan for a down payment for a house? I would not. “Do I really need this car?” “Do I really need this pair of pants?” Questions like this should be asked. Actually, whenever I am in any store, I ask myself this question with every item I put in the shopping cart. Strange? Helpful, simply because most of the stuff I don’t even need anyway. [How many extra shampoos and conditioners, make-up and cremes do you need?]

I think it is also important to have a certain amount of money in the saving account. For emergencies or expenses that might come up out of nowhere, and we all know, they will come up since life goes on. This money I do not touch and my debit card is what I reach for usually exclusively. I believe that saving too much money is also not a good idea. There could be a bank crash and whatnot and all the money is gone; especially these days, everything is possible, right? [election]

This post has been triggered by a conversation I had today with a very good friend at Starbucks about their horrendous prices for let’s say….. everything? A salad in a tiny plastic box for $ 11? Really? Give it a fancy/”healthy” name and people will purchase it, right? I buy my not so fancy “Grande Latte” at Starbucks every morning so I am guilty as charged.

However, I have my “money- plan” and usually stick to it and I am optimistic that even more money could be saved. Smaller living is so much better anyway. There was a time when I thought huge houses/mansions are the goal in life and if I ever accomplish that, then I are okay/good/made it in life. Actually, and over the years, I figured that this is not what I am all about. Easier, simpler, healthier, smaller and back to nature are salient factors in my life.