.SOMETIMES RAW.

This feeling when you sit somewhere and you do not quite know what to do with yourself and then you pick up your phone. You flip through social media a bit and then put it away but just to pick it up a couple of minutes later because there is something else you really need to research right away. Or maybe you are working on a project on your computer and are stuck with something difficult. The minute this used to happened to me, I checked Facebook quickly to see what is going on. Without me even noticing, half an hour just passed by while the cursor patiently blinks on my research page. Out of a sudden, I found myself on Amazon. Maybe it is that gadget on Amazon.ca/com that can make me run faster, write better, measure my heartbeat better or maybe I need this book that I wanted to read for so long.

The only thing that actually gets triggered is an impulsive, unproductive response to discomfort while clicking my way through things I a) don’t really need and b) I would only purchase to buy a better version of myself. Usually, the purchases I made on amazon.com/ca were rather an impulsive twitch than an intentional action. [“I enjoyed one book by the author so let’s get all of them”]

Years ago I had this though and fitness aspiration: Okay, I have to lose some weight. I am going to start running. I knew that just with the right gear it would all be so much more fun and easy and I would be off to the races in no time. I remember how happy I was when the brown box arrived and I slid my finger through the opening to reveal my new heart rate monitor (buy this one and get two books for free, kinda), running pants, running wind jacket, running shirt, running socks and running hair band. How come I also bought a perfume, diving equipment, a flashlight, a knife and a Mont Blanc pen?

Everything was just one single click away and “so cheap”. Dangerously too, I was a PRIME member and enjoyed free shipping. Everything was magically delivered to my front door in just 48 hours.  What I tried to do back then was to become a better version of myself without really putting in the work to get there. I thought that I am “taking action” when all I did was to just take out my credit card. I had been subconsciously convinced that a purchase is an action step and if I want to be a runner, purchasing a heart rate monitor is a step in that direction! The weird thing was that buying this particular heart rate monitor felt good and was exciting because I truly believed that I had taken the first step toward a healthier, better version of myself. I even checked my heart rate at the traffic light because this is what real runners do, right? Also, to impress people who waited next to me. So stupid. The next day it rained and I did not feel like getting my new equipment wet. I did not run. It rained for a week. I never wore that heart monitor again.

Looking back at my spending history from years ago,  I found that I spent a huge amount of money on small, cheap, meaningless purchases that added up just because I thought they would add value to my life. Yet, those purchases did not align at all with the life that I intended to live. A lot of my money went to those unintentional amazon purchases that silently added up while holding me back from other things I wanted to do. Through monitoring my spending habits (mostly on amazon), I wanted to align my actions with  my values and live more intentionally every day. It really all starts with minimizing distractions, building habits and creating new opportunities.

I started to think about my life and how I can minimize distractions and stop spending money on useless stuff.  Focusing on the essential is really difficult with a distracted, cluttered mind or a tight schedule. I started to focus on the things that keep me really busy every day but take me away from things that are actually important and matter. An example would be to clear my workspace or using my phone more intentionally; meaning, not bouncing back and forth between social media apps wasting time while sharing ten million things. I learned that I simply have to slow down and be more intentional about the way that I am using my time and attention so that I can create and do what really matters to me. Next, I wanted to build a foundation of good habits. This was the time when I started to meditate and to reflect what I am grateful for. I also stopped focusing on useless things like buying yoga pants instead of doing yoga; buying a laptop instead of writing that book; buying new running shoes instead of just walking outside or buying a new camera when I don’t even use the one I have at home.

Once I created the space for a meaningful change in my life and implemented habits that matter to me it was time to take it to the next level. This, for example, could mean sharing something that I know or learned. I created my blog from scratch and used it as my creative outlet and passion project, I wrote my book and now I am working on creating an income to live with even more freedom. It is important to start creating things that matter to YOU and to create opportunities to live a greater life overall. And to think before clicking that Amazon “buy now with one click-button”.

The other day I received a phone call from my son’s school. It was 9.30am; I had just dropped him off and got myself ready to attend class. I missed the phone call actually but while listening to the voicemail I received an email as well: ” Call school immediately” and a phone extension. So I called to find out that my son had been suspended from school since his immunization record is not up to date according to Health Canada who report to the schools on a daily basis apparently.

So, my son has all the vaccinations he needs; he even has more (yellow fever and whatnot and everything else triple). His vaccination record has been submitted to Health Canada and his school when I signed him up initially in February 2017 with dates and everything that was necessary included. I have not received a notification recently to contact Health Canada or update any vaccination records which was weird. After I hung up the phone with Joel’s school I tried to contact Health Canada to explain that he has all his vaccinations and that this must be a mistake since he has his International vaccination booklet up to date. When I initially called, I was caller number 29 placed on hold but I knew I had to “pick up my son immediately”. I decided to pick him up, bring all the sufficient paperwork, talk to the school’s principal and get everything sorted out.

This all did not work out either. I had been told, “Sorry, Mam, there is nothing we can do if Health Canada does not send the report saying that your son has all the immunizations” even though I showed her the  International Vaccination Booklet.

What to do at this point? It was 10 am and my class has started. Damn! I decided to calm down and have a cup of “soy latte” (Ryan) first. Joel tagged along and waited patiently for his cake pop and apple juice asking me, “Mommy, what did I do wrong so you had to pick me up?” Me: “Nothing darling, just eat your cake pop and chill.”

I wiped his mouth that was covered in chocolate, finished my soy latte and we drove to Health Canada to “sort things out”. I paid $4 (for ONE hour!) for parking on a public street in front of the Federal Health Canada building which added to my overall discomfort. I walked up to the building to find the door locked but there was a phone attached next to the entrance. I picked it up and dialed the number on the display to find out that the security guard did not know who to connect me with but “he can take down my name and number and someone will get back to you for sure in a couple of days”. This was the point when I somewhat lost it a tiny bit. I walked down the stairs and screamed while some guy walking by and told me, “Yeah, this is what the system does to you. I have been there, Miss.” At least he did not call me Mam which I hate.

Petit Joel and I drove to my school and he sat nicely and quietly next to me staring at his iPad while I learned about muscles, bones, and tissues. Unfortunately,  not those I desperately needed to blow my nose and wipe away the tears while realizing how little a human being counts. I had been reminded again that common sense is not that common after all and the human factor won’t be taken into consideration most of the time when I told the principal at Joel’s school that I cannot take 5-10 business days off to keep my son out of school and not be able to go to work. She responded: “I am sorry, Mrs. Henry, there is nothing I can do!” (Why not Miss?)  Again, the craziest part is, that I even showed her his immunization booklet with all his immunizations up to date.

The school was closed today (Friday) and will be closed on Monday (Family Day, duh!) as well. I hope I can sort this all out by Monday so he can attend school again on Tuesday. If not, he has to come to school with me which is sort of annoying but manageable since my professors/doctors allow him to be there if he is quiet.

Oh, this little boy I love him so much. Be still my heart. To see him go off to school every morning, watching him go away and play with his friends is bittersweet and awesome at the same time. I usually turn around to look for him one more time after I dropped him off to see what he is up to. Other kids will be sweet, rough, teasing, hurt feelings and are nice. All these emotions. My son is going through a lot every day and he is usually exhausted when I pick him up in the afternoon but I always make sure that he knows that whenever he walks in the door every day, that home is the most comforting place for him to be. And I try to keep him out of and away from these useless stressors like vaccination troubles. Mindfulness allows me to bottle up these special moments and making its magic last longer after the moment has ended but by acknowledging how I feel in the moment. #HealthCanada

While my son and I had breakfast yesterday he asked me if I can explain what a calendar is. This made me think again how fast time flies; we are days into the new year and 2017 seems to be so far behind already. I let the last day of the year pass without putting much energy into thinking and reminiscing about what happened especially in the last couple of months and other stuff that 2017 held for me since I was occupied otherwise. 2017 will always be the year when major things in my life ended and new adventures began.  

In some way, I am feeling excited about a fresh start even though I, of course, cannot predict what 2018 will hold. Nonetheless, it is a new beginning and I am more than ready to leave all the sadness behind and of course, continue to move forward. I made some huge steps and decisions and I mentally grew which shaped me into the person I am today. I decided that it is important to focus on my health now and to slow down. Why those decisions? The only answer I can come up with is that I genuinely needed to. It couldn’t go on like this anymore. 

The goal is to be more intentional about certain things in my life and areas that need the most attention. I had to learn that random things can’t trigger bad memories or sadness anymore. At least not to that extent where they slow down my life. I had to realize that this particular pain can only exist when I hang around in the past for too long so I switch to the present. This past that does not exist anymore. Time heals all wounds but unfortunately not on my schedule. I cannot speed things up because it may do the opposite. I know that by focusing on the relationship I have with myself I will improve. This way, the situation I am in gets so much better to deal with and I am able to figure out the root of my emotions. Nobody knows better what’s good for me but myself.  So all I can do now is respect time. 

I am trying to analyze my emotions. Emotions are a crazy phenomenon, especially when it comes to love. I listened to this and that interesting TED talk recently that discussed the concept of love. Helen Fisher analyzed love as being an apparatus of nature used to ensure we simply coexist long enough to reproduce making sure the continuity of our species continues and nothing else. I try to understand why I felt and had certain emotions and feelings for one person in the first place. I reckon that relationships are not successful based on common interests but rather on common priorities. And when priorities differ too much, it does not work. 

These days I am realizing that all those “scratches and bruises” of failed relationships add character. They give my heart a better feel and look. It is a tough time, yet I will come out as a better person. Nature tends to work out this balance that things work themselves out in a certain way but healing will eventually come nonetheless. I have all the tools to survive this and my broken heart heals. What happened does not determine my happiness; however, the reality is how I deal with those things that occurred. 

By letting yesterday go I realize that some of this pain actually makes a tiny bit of sense yet some other things that happened never will. I do not have this need to make sense of them anymore because it robs me of the ability to enjoy my NOW moments. I simply leave the past where it belongs and let some of the lessons find me slowly like creeping up from underneath my bed. I realized that suffering and going through all this improved my situation and me as a person.  Sometimes new things and situations might be frightening and uncomfortable initially but that’s in some way a recipe for growth as well. I also have to keep in mind that fewer expectations mean fewer disappointments. If certain people still tend to let me down or stop providing and the behavior keeps repeating into a pattern, it is on me to pay more attention and make it stop. In a certain way, blame and power go hand in hand and giving it away may not be the best choice, eh!? Whenever a person let me down, I take the time to figure out if I want to allow that to happen again since the past is just the past. All I am doing now is improving the present choices to hopefully have a better future. Thankfully, I know that my heart is very resilient. I now specifically pay attention to actions over words since they are shockingly revealing in my case. 

Every moment I receive is mine and mine alone. I can choose to waste it in the past or worry about the future or I can simply just be in the present. If people don’t appreciate the way I am or do not want to be with me anymore since they chose to be with someone else, then they simply need to move on without me. The company I keep is also my choice.

I learned that even when things are going well, I have to be prepared for the most horrible scenarios because it will make it less insane when it happens. I don’t have to trust a world or person I cannot control. I am staying focused on my journey one step at a time. There is just so much to experience and learn along the way. Afterall, it is okay to discover, get embarrassed, make mistakes and to be uncomfortable with new things. This life is so short anyway and I have to add now that I did explain to my son what a calendar, days, months and a week is after all those thoughts.