.SOMETIMES RAW.

The decision to get a divorce is usually an agonizing one. The thought of telling my son about it was initially terrifying. It is disheartening to have to be the bearer of that kind of news, and it was impossible to predict how he will react. I heard from a lot of people that it is never easy to talk to children about this topic. One part was a bit easier: my ex-husband works overseas and was not home a lot, so my son never experienced a “typical father figure” when both parents are home living the daily family life. We separated in January 2018 and my ex has not spoken to or seen his son since May 2018. Time passes. It’s November 2019 and every passing month is more awkward to my son. He doesn’t talk much about his father; almost as he doesn’t know him. Which is sort of true? The other day he asked, “My dad never calls. Why is that?” Here, I will share how I speak to my son about it all; how I explain the divorce and why certain things happened.

1. I spoke to my son as soon as possible after I have come to a decision. Postponing the talk would haven just given me more time to dread it, and I did not want to lose the trust of my son. Honesty is important. He feels and knows when I am lying. I made some preliminary new living arrangements (but not too much change at once), and explained the situation.
2. My son understood that mommy and daddy fought a lot and they do not want to fight anymore. This is why mommy and daddy go separate ways rather than staying together. My son knows that the decision was not one-sided and that his father cares about him and loves him. He is just very busy. In reality and behind the scenes: He is the typical cliché: The absent father, who does not pay child support and delays the process by all means. Is it fair that he pays nothing for his son? No. Is it fair that he spends the money on trips to Iceland instead while I struggle and have no income yet? No. Is it fair that I have to pay for my son’s clothes (he grows so quickly!) and his food (he eats so much because he grows so quickly!)? No. Well, guess what? Life is not fair sometimes. Let me be clear: I simply believe it is the ethical obligation of the wealthier spouse to pay child support! Especially when it is settled in the court order. My son does not understand any of this but he wonders why his father never reaches out. I have sole custody and my son never questions why we don’t parent as a team. I guess we never were a team in the first place.
3. I talked to my son by choosing a time that will not interfere with his normal activities. I made it a place that is familiar and comfortable. This simply shows respect for the things that are important to him and ensures that he will feel comfortable asking questions. I did my part. There are still unanswered questions my son has for his dad, however.
4. My son is six now and I know that when I spoke to him about the divorce two years ago, he was unlikely to understand what it all means. Now, I explain it in the simplest terms possible. I explained that mommy and daddy will no longer be living together, that we both love him and always will and that he can see his father if he wants to.
5. I avoid arguing with my ex and I don’t lay blame (anymore). There was a time I did but it has passed. I did a lot of mindful work and evolved. I reached the stage where I actually forgive him. It is okay. I honestly hope he is happy in his life and with his decisions. Instead of feeling angry, I feel relieved.
6. I have been through a rough time but I avoided expressing anger or bitterness in front of my son. I did express sadness sometimes. This showed my son that it is okay to be sad.
7. I made it a point to tell my son that the divorce is not his fault. I think when my son was younger, he thought that he is to blame for the divorce, even if he didn’t vocalize it. It is important to reassure him that it has nothing to do with him at all.
8. I filled him in on everything that has been decided so far. He knows what sole custody means and that I am solely responsible for him. There are challenges of course, too for example how to pick the best school and the best education for him. He is pretty smart. But I am sure I will make the right decision.
9. I encourage my son to ask questions and I answer them truthfully. I don’t tell him all of the details about why we separated (this will happen when he is older), but it is critically important for me to maintain his trust.
10. And most importantly, I do not burden him with situations he cannot control. I do not ask him to deal with adult issues that will make him feel helpless.

“Those who have a ‘why’ to live, can bear with almost any ‘how’.” ― Viktor E. Frankl

I had been introduced to Viktor E. Frankl’s famous book “Man’s Search for Meaning” by a good friend about ten years ago and fell in love with some of Frankl’s concepts. A dream came true when I visited the Viktor Frankl Museum in Vienna and actually met his wife who is 94 years-old and lives next to the museum.

Who was Viktor Frankl?

Neurologist and psychiatrist Viktor E. Frankl, born in March 1905, founder of the “Third Viennese School of Psychotherapy”, resided at Mariannengasse 1 until his death in 1997. It was there that he completed his thesis on the human person as a spiritual being, capable of defeating the worst conditions as soon and as long as he finds meaning in life. Today Frankl’s workplace is an inspirational museum, in which I was gradually introduced to the art of psychotherapy. In the course of learning about the development of a genius, I also gained insight into my own opportunities and personal potential.

Viktor Frankl has been awarded 29 honorary doctorate degrees and numerous prizes internationally. With his incomparable blend of scientific precision and faith in a specific human dimension which guarantees human dignity, Frankl’s work is able to reach consensus throughout people’s barriers. His doctrine is applied and further developed in all parts of the world. Frankl developed a theory called Logotherapy. The theory is founded on the belief that human nature is motivated by the search for a life purpose and is the purpose of that meaning for one’s life. Frankl’s theories were heavily inluenced by his personal experience of suffering and loss in Nazi concentration camps.

My highlights from the visit:

A journalist asked Frankl if he is afraid of death. Frankl: “Not really. I would be scared only of a life not lived. But, if I can say that, for the most part, I have done what I could then there is nothing better than this awareness.”

As a 5 year-old and after someone in his family died, Frankl raises the question: “Since I must die, why do I live?” In countless discussions with his friend, the philosopher Martin Heidegger, he addresses the question of whether transitoriness destroys the meaning of life. As a “thorough and persistent thinker to the end” Frankl cites: “Death is the engine of life.” The meaningfulness in human life lies in its finiteness. Frankl’s concept of meaning points beyond immanence towards transcendence. As a young doctor, Frankl finds in studies that not so much the facts of what one has become are decisive for success or failure but rather the personal attitude we take towards predicaments.

Frankl: “You always decide: Heaven or Hell. You shape heaven or hell for yourself and your environment. It is up to you. Human behaviour is not dictated by conditions one encounters, but by decisions one makes.”

“Fundamental trust is ultimately a faith in meaning, to which we can decide. Among other things, it also means the awareness of our uniqueness and irreplaceability as well as our value for the world” – Frankl.

Frankl asked questions such as: “Can we do anything we are capable of?”; “What is the meaning of life?”; “What is the ultimate meaning of life?” “What is stronger: My fear or myself?”

Guilty of something? Now what? According to Frankl, you can make it okay again if you 1) Regret sincerely and honestly, your wrong-doing, and you make amends to this person/object on whom/which you betrayed. 2) You regret: sincerely and honestly, your deed and you cannot make amends regarding the same person/object; you make amends regarding another person/object and 3) Even in your final hour there is a possibility to make amends/apologize: Through sincere repentance, you change yourself and become a different person. All this is possible because you are a person with irrevocable dignity.

In any other life situation, it is still possible to make meaningful and best use of resources and to co-create a better situation. Just use time: Money and success cannot be the only measure of a meaningful life, otherwise, there would not be “successful people living in despair” and “unsuccessful people living in fulfillment”. Live in the here and now. This way, death doesn’t make life meaningless.

From Why to What for:

Lastly, and not to give too much of the exhibition away, the want to bring up Frankl’s question: “Why me?” According to Frankl, this is the wrong question. Each tough situation is an appeal to ask and think: “I am going through all this suffering but is this a challenge to open my eyes to something else? As long as you breathe, a person or task is waiting for you.”

More Information & Things you should know before you visit:

The Viktor Frankl Museum, an infinitive of the Viktor Frankl Zentrum Vienna, is a place for education where one can get aquatinted with Frankl’s original body of thought. Courses, seminars, workshops, lectures, literature, and documentaries convey his image of humans and his unique methods of healing, which help us to face the problems of today’s crises-ridden world in a constructive and groundbreaking way. At the museum are experts available to respond to any questions and share relevant information. The exhibition is in German and English.

Contact:

Mariannengasse 1, Top 15; 1090 Vienna; email: office@franklzentrum.org; Tel: +43(0)69910961068; website: www.franklzentrum.org.

Opening hours: Monday/Friday/Saturday (1 pm- 6pm); admission fee: Euro 8 (reduced fee for students/seniors: Euro 6)

Follow the museum @ Facebook or Twitter. And TripAdivisor.

“The Greatness of life can be measured by the greatness of one single moment” – Frankl.

Pause and open up to the magical moments of life, which are simply right there. As Frankl would say, be amazed about this world.

One of the questions I get asked most is how I raise my son alone without losing my mind. Big topic! Through trial and error, I have learned some things over the last couple of months that I would like to share. Things that are important to me to raise a kind, loving child while staying sane. My son thinks that I have superpowers because I am a mommy and daddy in one person. He is damn right.

Talk about things honestly and openly. Whenever it comes to big subjects, like divorce, race, sex, and death, I try to be a soft landing place for him, so he can feel like he can bring up anything that is on his mind. I found that bedtime is especially good for this because when it is dark and cozy, my son seems to feel more comfortable opening up.

I encourage him to help. I have to admit, one of my pet peeves is whenever I am at a party, and all the women jump up to clean the dishes after dinner and men just sit around, chill and don’t help. This drives me nuts. So, from a young age, I have asked my son to bring his dishes in the kitchen. I made sure to tell him that it is nobody’s job to clean up after him and that kids can also help; especially since it is mostly just the two of us. Dinner is special to us and we sit together, talk to each other (definitely no phone or gadgets at the table!) and share how our day was, how we feel/felt, what was the best or the worst of the day. When he is done eating, he asks if he can leave the table and takes his dishes to the kitchen. Then he goes off to play before we watch somethign together or I read to him.

Model empathy. “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a (hard) battle!” Do you know that quote? Well, I install that concept in my son. The other day, for example, there was a woman at the register who was very grouchy to the customers for a while. Instead of telling my son that this is a rude person or that I don’t like her, I would say that she probably has a pretty rough week or maybe she is very tired. Then he sees her still as a complex human, who is probably very sweet underneath but maybe just needs compassion or a break. If someone never calls him, then this person is probably just very busy but not an asshole.

Accept him wholeheartedly. Whatever crazy idea he may come up with, I embrace it with open arms. My son has great imagination and when he wanted to wear his Halloween costume to school, it was fine with me. Vienna is not crazy about Halloween and Trick or Treating is not a thing, so we made it fun this way. I love seeing his personality develop and feel grateful to be his mom; even if some days are really challenging.

Teach him consent. It is important to teach him that he is in charge of his body and how to respect himself. If he wants privacy when getting dressed or taking a bath, I respect that. When he does not want to kiss someone goodbye, that is fine, too. If he does not want to hug or play with someone, it is his decision. I teach him that there are different ways to say no than just saying no. I teach him to notice social cues and people’s body language by for example telling that, “Her face looks upset. You have to stop this, please!”

Teach him modesty. I love a minimalist lifestyle so he sees what I purchase on a daily basis. He knows my emphasis is not clothes, shoes, makeup or any materialistic things but that I basically buy (healthy) food, books and spend my time outdoors (which is free), in museums, bookstores, at the local pool or a Yoga studio. He knows that our financial situation is not great these days and also why that is. Of course, he is a child and wants certain toys because all his friends have them and I understand that. I make sacrifices on other ends, to make it happen sometimes. He definitely does not like Meccano or Lego Tech because he is only six-years-old but someone very important in my life helped him build it.

Always read great books. I am a writer and my son knows that. He is proud that I published two books already and write and read all the time. You want to raise a reader, be a reader. Visit your local library. There are so many amazing children’s books; we are currently exploring all the bookstores in Vienna. My son loves it and gets lost in science, spooky, adventurous, funny and sometimes nerdy books. We have a rather big book collection at home and I think it is important to have this diverse group of books. Books are always a conversation starter and they keep his mind growing. Reading rituals don’t just happen at night either.

Single Parenting and I Have a Life, too.

Single-parenting: Being off duty feels awesome. When my son is in school (and currently I am not working), I choose to spend every moment discovering Vienna. It is so essential and important to have a healthy (work)/single-parenting balance. The hustle is fun sometimes but I also need to live my own life. So, I created space for myself and unapologetically celebrate this very concept. Do you want some inspiration on how I spend my days when I am “free” or off-duty?

Coffee, books, reading. Or, I will go to a museum and have a nice leisurely lunch alone or with a friend. I read or write at home or at my favorite bookstore/cafe/restaurant. I will go to the movies at 1 pm. The other day I saw “A rainy day in New York” by Woody Allen (whom I love), accompanied by a bag of salty popcorn. I like to do something nice for myself, like a massage, a session with a Reiki healer, swimming or a Yoga class. I will have some quiet time and do nothing but drink a cup of tea at home on the couch. Some days are all about recharging; I love to be at home. I like to sleep in on weekends. Grab brunch with a good friend, and hit some local vintage stores after. Sitting in the sun/walking around (even in the rain) followed by a trip to the farmers market to buy fresh vegetables and flowers. Or having dinner cooked by someone in my kitchen while I have a glass of wine and watch.

The next time you find yourself at a crossroads, try one of my single-parenting survival methods. There is no pressure in what we, as mothers, have to do. Just try to keep sane througout it all. Realizing this felt like such a relief.