I don’t get haircuts very often. During “the pandemic” I used to cut my son’s hair (initial failure, he looked like a convict but it slowly improved) and my own; even my bangs. I don’t understand why any woman’s haircut is always 150 Euros and…
(Daniel’s Poster, shrimp not depicted.) Dear Mr. R., When you announced that our presentation on Strategy for Gender Equality would be a group project, I knew that I would do all the work and my partner (Daniel cc’d) wouldn’t help and still get a promotion.…
Hey! What’s up? Long time no see. Listen, I’ve spent more money on skincare products in the last few years than in any other period in my entire life. Why? Well, because I’m aware that we—women only—must fight the war against ageing every single day. I see all the ads and read all the literature you print, like in Vogue, Cosmo, and Architectural Digest. They all read like brochures for getting a facelift, and, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Hey, wait, don’t start scrolling on your phone. I’m still talking. Now that we haven’t seen each other in over a year, you might notice that there’s a little bit of loose skin draped like a curtain dividing the left side of my neck from the right side as if each side suddenly became modest. Please don’t tug at it. It’s skin. No, I don’t want to put on a turtleneck.
Look, I tried to fight it. I bought a five-hundred-euro neck cream that boasts a “tri-structural complex” while simultaneously injecting algae from the bottom of the Mariana Trench!! I figured one of them could hold up skin or reduce wrinkles. I figured one creme could reduce dark circles under my eyes. I used a seventy-euro jade roller that needed to be put in the freezer twice a day in the hopes that I could roll the skin back into place. This is all simply expensive bullshit that DOES NOT WORK. How can a creme make your wrinkles disappear? THINK, woman!
Yay! At least no one grey hair yet. Nice! But sometimes dark circles under my eyes from studying all weekend with my son. Dry hands from cleaning and chopping food. Hold on, where did this wrinkle come from? Please take it off my face. I just want to talk to you. Speaking of my face, I did facial exercises every day to keep my cheeks right up against my eyeballs, but they’re doing their own thing.
Yeah, I’m still good on the facelift brochure; I haven’t changed my mind about it at the last minute. No, that’s incorrect. Women don’t change their minds every minute. Quit spreading that myth, please, and let me talk.
I’ve also lost several kilos because I had so much stress during the last couple of months that I couldn’t eat…and now some weirdo is honking a car horn at me because I AM DRIVING TOO SLOW TO GET TO MY SON’S PARENT/TEACHER MEETING AFTER WORK! Why is he doing that? Never mind, I’m trying to make a point about how my body has changed and how I’ve changed along with it. For fuck’s sake, stop trying to give me that facelift brochure! Oh, it’s not the brochure. What is it? Ah, I see; it’s a coupon for a facelift. Yes, you’re right: I shouldn’t have assumed. I’m sorry.
Do you want to hear the great news? A byproduct of ageing is that I love myself exactly as I am, and I don’t need anyone else’s approval… I’ve simply grown wiser, gained confidence, and discovered inner peace. SEE HOW PEACEFUL I AM ? WHY IS THIS GUY BEHIND ME STILL HONKING ???? The straitjacket is unnecessary too, my friend. I don’t feel crazy (yet) and I’m NOT HYSTERICAL. I’m just saying that I’m a happily unmarried, single-child-raising-woman over forty, and it took a lot of physical and mental work for me to realize that I am okay and to get me to where I am not in life.
Where are we going? Why are we walking into the utility closet at a local supermarket? Are we even allowed in here!?!!!? Holy shit, this store has a secret portal!?!? What is this white room that extends to infinity in every direction? And who are all these women…?
Wait a minute. Is this a place where women can just be the way they are? And these are all the women between the ages of forty and fifty-five who have decided not to fight aging? Wow! I always wondered where we disappeared to in Society’s (your) eyes. Honestly, a theoretical void is a lot kinder of a result than I would have expected.
Thank you, Society. I feel better. You wanted to make me feel sad, rejected, frustrated, insecure, unfulfilled, and completely discouraged? I’m sorry to let you down. What we see in these commercials and beauty magazines is not real anyway. Ageing is okay. It is normal. We all do it and you cannot hide behind cremes, lotions, potions and Botox. I guess I forgot to mention the other byproduct of ageing: lack of self-confidence and insecurity. I no longer feel any of those things because they’ve all been replaced with happiness, self-confidence, and inner peace. Most of the time. STOP HONKING!
You know I’m not a mathematician. You know that adding simple numbers isn’t something I can do. You know that subtracting simple numbers isn’t something I can do either. When we first met, I told you, I didn’t understand quantum physics, regular physics, or how…
What are some ways to achieve calmness in your life? First, pare away the things you don’t need. Live an infinitely simple life free from unnecessary anxiety or worry, without being swayed by other people’s values. The variety of what people talk about is endless,…
I am so free to say that the world is quite insane these days. Everything seems a little off, am I right?! Wars, prices, weather, people, some colleagues, guided tour kids-only groups, upcoming festivities, decorations, you name it. I think everyone should have someone to talk to when things get tough, life throws you one curveball after the other, and your little world crashes down on you. Here are some conversation starters for your therapist. Stay sane, people. Life is tough, unfair, and sucks hard sometimes. But then, someone -maybe me, will lighten things up a bit so you can forget all the drama for a while. Hugs to all of you.
Would you rather cry to Adele, Nirvana, or Rammstein?
If you could only have all your existential crises in one changing room in a clothing store for the rest of your life, which one would it be and why?
Have you ever found a client attractive, and, if so, why wasn’t it me?
Do you think I could pull off red hair/bangs/blonde hair?
Take five minutes to tell each other your life stories. Your part will not count toward my hour-long session.
How do you feel about your relationship with your mother? What about my relationship with my mother?
Am I your favorite client? Discuss for at least two minutes.
Picture your perfect meal. Now, try to figure out how that relates back to your middle school trauma.
If you could be any diagnosis in the DSM-5, which would you be?
Make four minutes of sustained eye contact with my Instagram feed.
Imagine the two of us switch places. What would you do if you were me and how would you fix it all?
What’s your favorite book? Please keep in mind that time I sent you an early manuscript of my yet-to-be-finished seventh book.
I know you aren’t supposed to have favorite clients, but in five words or less, tell me why it’d be me.
Let’s try some word association. What do you think of when I say “therapy”? What about “client”?” How about “exemplary self-awareness and nice teeth”?
Who would you least want to get stuck in an elevator with? What if it’s between me and that guy at work who always comes in before me and stays, like, a full minute into my time?
If going to therapy were in the Olympics, in which events would I get gold?
If you were stranded on a desert island, who would I contact if I needed a last-minute session?
Do you prefer breakfast for dinner, brunch, or eating all three of your meals in a chaotic frenzy between 1:30 p.m. and 6 p.m.?
What’s your most irrational fear? Don’t you think that makes my fears of rejection, isolation, and unexpected eels in my toilet seem kind of normal?
Is deflection always an unhealthy coping mechanism? Okay, but what if it’s very funny?
What’s the best birthday present you’ve ever received? Does that make-up for the time I texted you at 2 a.m. to let you know I’d probably be late for my session later that week?
Should I get a dog? A plant? Three pet rocks I stick googly eyes on?
Who’s the last person you said “I love you” to? What about accidentally at the end of a phone session with a client? Do you tell people when I do that?
Are you an early bird, a night owl, or an anxiously-pacing shrew who sleeps at strange times throughout the day?
I am your favorite though, right?
Yeah, sex is cool, but have you ever decluttered your house and donated, sold, or thrown out a bunch of things? OK, sure, sex is cool, but have you ever successfully kept up with your expenses in real-time for a full calendar year so you…
I love this time of year when leaves change colour and die right in front of me. Nothing prettier than a deceased leaf hanging from a tree in its final few moments on earth. It makes me want to wrap an oversized scarf around my…
Hey there! My son’s birthday is coming up soon and like the last couple of years, I have been throwing a huge Halloween Birthday Party for him with a spooky treasure hunt, trick or treating around the neighbourhood, games, and lots of food. Every year the kids have a blast, and so do I. Since my son and I lived in the U.S. and Canada for many years and really have gone crazy with Halloween (Americans take Halloween to a different level), it has become his favourite holiday. I am not crazy about decorating on Christmas or any other Holiday, but on Halloween especially because we celebrate my son’s birthday, I am going crazy. If you still need some ideas on last-minute Halloween costumes for yourself and your family, here are some ideas.
Enjoy and Happy Candy-Hunt.
Mario, Luigi, and Toad
Based on the classic video game characters, this group costume perfectly encapsulates your life—both because your baby, like Toad, is always present without making it clear what they actually do, and because the platonic realities of parenthood mean that you and your partner are now essentially siblings.
It’s never too early to permanently warp your child.
Shit, honey, the party’s in four hours! Don’t we have a toy construction hat somewhere? We can make that work. What else? What else? Would the cop outfit come off weird after, y’know, all of 2020? No, definitely not the Native American. Fuck it—let’s just tell them Skyler has a fever.
Will only work if Dad still fits into his yellow-and-black-striped rugby shirt from college. Which, come on.
A living recreation of Edvard Munch’s The Scream, where one parent is madly shouting into the void as the child and other parent look on from a safe distance
Would be cute if this exact thing hadn’t happened at the playground last week.
You think little Wyatt will sit still long enough for you to put that green muscle suit on him? Ha. Hahahahaha! Ha.
Might give you the chance to mention how D’Artagnan wasn’t actually one of the musketeers, which, after sixteen months of constant fatigue, is the only remotely interesting thing left in your brain.
A humorous way to pretend you live in the days when a middle-class family could afford a home.
Instantly recognizable, this retro costume is an adorable reminder that your baby is trying to kill you both.
Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, and a permanently scowling ball of frothing rage
You were going to dress up as C-3PO, but this is all you could muster after realizing what Congress’s refusal to address climate change means for your child’s future.
Because backbreaking physical labor now sounds like a fun change of pace.
A well-adjusted family where neither parent ever swears in front of the baby, even when the cat throws up for the third time in one day, and, oh, it seems the cat vomit got in the kid’s shoes, but that’s okay because you’re both adults who are always in control of their emotions
Halloween is all about make-befuckinglieve.
Channel Victor Hugo as you highlight how breastfeeding has permanently destroyed Mom’s posture.
Con? Mindless, bleary-eyed drones shuffling from place to place as they struggle to remember the feeling of being alive is pretty on the nose for you and your partner. Pro? The kid’s so cute in that makeup!!
Might as well embrace your child’s new habit of poking you directly in the eyeballs.
You can’t go wrong with these slasher-movie classics. Plus, if you let your toddler carry a real knife, maybe the government will temporarily separate you and you can finally check out Nine Perfect Strangers.
Although your child hasn’t gotten into this show yet, you assume it has most of the same problems as the Village People idea.
Ah, the open seas. Picture it. The freedom to sail wherever you want—to be whoever you want to be. There was a time when your life was like this. When the world was wide open, and you could chart your own course through the choppy, thrilling waters of your future while breathing deep the salty air of adventure and—oh, neat, your kid just opened the door while you’re pooping.
Hey, there’s always next year.
Oh man, good for me. Look at me! I am listening to jazz. Here I am, just taking in the moment. Fully present. Just me and the music. Yup yup yup yup yup. Completely immersed. Thinking about nothing else. The rhythm. The musicality. The syncopation.…