.SOMETIMES RAW.

All countries have their own weird traditions and behaviors and Germans are obviously no exception. I am German myself and a lot of these habits I only realized were completely bonkers after I left Germany and moved to another country. I just thought, this is how people behave; it’s human nature all over the world. But I realized quickly, that this is not the case. It is time to roast my own country people and myself obviously and call them out on their strange and embarrassing habits. Let’s get to the bottom of this and demystify the Germans. Keep in mind that the list below may also save your relationship or marriage if you are involved with a German person.

• Be very direct. Do not expect British level of small talk. As a matter of fact, cut the small talk, and say it straight. “Pass the pepper” will do nicely and does not come across as impolite for Germans. It may take some time to get used to it but in the end, you will realize that it saves quite a lot of time and is not impolite at all. Wearing an awful shirt? Germans will tell you. Gained a bit of weight? Germans will let you know. The good thing about this is that you always know where you stand. The bad thing is, your soul may be crushed. One may experience a certain type of initial German “coldness” or emotional distance toward other people. There is no fluffing around. Germans take some time to build a solid foundation with others rather than a shallow one.
• Get used to all the German Fairy Tales and don’t be scared. You may leave your light on at night.
• Germans love to discipline. If you are on a bus and put your shoes up on the seat, Germans will first look at you suspiciously and then lean over and tell you to put your feet down on the floor
• As a pedestrian, do not (under any circumstances) cross the street if the traffic light signals red for pedestrian crossing (hell will freeze over!)
• Germans love to send bureaucratic threatening letters and make everything official. You forgot to pay a part of your electricity bill, your landlord won’t talk to you but rather send a letter of immediate eviction without warning if you do not pay.
• Germans are very impatient and self-control is very important. If you are in line at a cafeteria, you better choose your food quickly if a German stands behind you. If you take too long, they will freak out.
• The German accent. It sounds funny, but do not make fun of it too much. They will get angry. Why? Because according to Germans, we learned British English in school and talk normally. “Zis is a dog and ze dog looks angry because ze dog lost it’s bone ja. Zis is not cool.”
• Meat & Food. Many Germans love meat. Surprise a German with sausages, braten, cold cuts or any other meat-dish and they will love you. Try to prevent any meat-loving German from enjoying their schnitzel and you will be removed from the community or even deported immediately. Germans eat “quark” all the time but cannot explain what it actually is. Half cheese and half cream? Nobody will ever figure this out.
• Alcohol. Talking about the top-German foods, I have to continue with the beverages. When in Germany, you will find (strong) beer everywhere and everybody drinks it all the time. Beer in the evening, beer in the morning, beer after work with colleagues, beer alone at home and you can buy it everywhere, too. Even at the gas stations.  Germans drink on the streets quite a lot and some people carry a beer for the way (Wegbier) to the bar. Sounds like we are all a bunch of alcoholics. Also, you better look the other person straight in the eyes while clinking beer glass. Germans are pretty strict about that, too.
• Germans are highly organized; especially socially. There are visual signs everywhere that direct the public to follow rules and regulations to monitor and protect how to exist in Germany. Signs such as “Do not throw your trash here”, “Do not stand here”, “Do not walk here” etc. make things run smoothly for some reason. There is also no garbage on the ground; not even in the subway. You could eat off the ground.
• When children have their first day of school which is 1st grade (otherwise it is called kindergarten), every child gets a large cone, almost as big as the child themselves, covered in decorations called “Zuckertüte/Schultüte” (Sugar/school cone). In Germany, it is normal to give your child a five-kilogram cone filled with sweets and treats on their first day of school. Kids hold on to that cone during school and then are allowed to open it at home that day in the evening. #sugarshock

• Polterabend which is smashing a ton of porcelain before you get married. Couples announce the date of their Polterabend in the local newspaper and then usually friends and family from the town or total strangers show up in an open space outside which is usually on the street in front of your house and bring all sorts of porcelain (sinks, cups, plates whatever they want to donate) that they then smash and the soon to be married couple has to clean up the mess. Of course, beer and appetizers (meat) are served.
• Nudity. German people love to be naked especially in places like local saunas, beaches, and lakes. People look at you in horror if you wear your bathing suit in a sauna. They might actually ask you to leave.
• Work ethics: Germans have on the average 6-8 weeks paid vacation per year and are very hardworking. They try to avoid mistakes and also work on an issue until it is sufficiently solved. Things need to be perfect.  All this happens usually without asking for help. They also take “Feierabend” (the time after work) very seriously. Germans go home when the clock ticks beer. Germans are health freaks and  usually have hundreds of health – and life insurances so nobody needs to worry or stress out in case something happens #GermanAngst
• Punctuality: Germans get nervous when they cannot be at least 10 minutes in advance to get to an appointment
• Don’t “you” anybody unless you are formally encouraged to refer to them as “you”. You call people Herr (Mr.) X or Frau (Mrs.) X until the older one tells you to use the informal “you”. 
• Dinner Parties: You invite someone to dinner at 6 pm, they will expect dinner to be on the table and ready at 6 pm. No small talk before, no waiting, no appetizers or anything unless specifically stated that this is scheduled before the actual dinner
• Other fun facts: The original Octoberfest actually starts in September. Germans ritually return recyclables and collecting the deposit. Especially plastic bottles, beer, and wine bottles. Germans simply love recycling.

From the bridge, I see the shoreline shift, move away upstream. A flow in the strong current plows toward the pillar beneath us. The ice solid, an island glides in the roiling water and strikes. Slush drives up the pillar, the ice sheet cleaves in two, but the dock does not quiver. I look up and catch your eyes – we lean over the railing, faces broken in grins while eyes sparkle. – to the one who wants to go ice-fishing

A good friend of mine asked me the other day why people hide when they are sad. Or why they choose not to tell everyone and scream it out loud. Maybe, so we don’t receive pity? Maybe because we all just pretend or we don’t want to bother others? I have this humbling ability that I sometimes see life one brief moment at a time – and it feels good. I knew I needed a change from my previous relationship and move on. Life could not go on like this. After the breakup, I reminded myself constantly that there is life beyond my bed, that I need to finish my research essay to obtain my Master’s degree, that I need to feed my son and myself (with healthy food) and that life isn’t actually over. This all kept me going. I remember how comforting it was to have a family to talk to and my closest friends around to help me out. I was a disaster for some time.

I journaled and wrote furiously through all of it. About feelings I felt, realizations I had and advice I found particularly helpful or profound. Although none of my previous breakups hit me quite as hard (maybe because this time my son was involved), nothing stings as acutely as believing I had lost the person who promised to always love me and be faithful. What is a promise? I guess the only way through a breakup is to give it time. I let myself feel the pain because I knew I won’t heal otherwise and may forget how to love altogether.

When the bad times outnumber the happy times, it is time to leave. While it may seem like I left everything, it’s my nostalgia talking. As soon as I got my little froggy self out of the metaphorical frying pan, I saw how life does go on, and how much space my marriage filled. That space can now be anything I choose. Also, I am somewhat permanent and everything else is sort of temporary. Just staying with the person because I am afraid of being without him is the wrong reason to be in a relationship.

I moved out and into the right place to find myself and heal. In some way, I was frightened, as if I had found myself on a new path that I had to discover alone. Also, when I moved it initially felt like being attached to the ghost of my previous marriage, unable to live in it or get away from it. I looked at the bright side. There is peace here and calm. I can do whatever I want and this sensation gave me a feeling that my body can somewhat shift tectonically under my brain.

Usually, whenever a relationship hits a breaking point it means something; something was not right for quite a while. Whether or not the reasons are clear, they need to be observed from an emotional distance to be fully understood and eventually communicated. Not via text messages but in person. There were previous relationships that I ended due to a lack of compatibility. We were wonderful and compatible in many ways, but there were certain things I felt were missing from the beginning. These certain things I could not stop myself from wanting no matter how hard I tried. In the end, my desire to find those things overcame the desire to stay with the person. I was looking for something different which is totally okay. It is my life and I  am not a monster. What I did was save myself from a relationship I knew I would continue to find unfulfilling and something that cannot be fixed because trust is gone. I listened to my gut, in spite of my fear and after some time, even the nightmares completely stopped. I started dating myself again, and shooting stars.

The aftermath of a relationship is when I process what happened and contextualize its significance in the overall scheme of life. It is important to note that an ex moving on and enjoying his life with someone else does not have to be aggravating, sad or annoying. Initially, there was this teeny tiny minuscule yet totally insignificant part of me that wanted to know what the ex is up to. Is he with her now? Are they traveling and erasing trips that once meant something to us? These feelings did not last long, however. I am truly fine, neither actively hurting nor overly bummed anymore. Life goes on. Everybody moves on and there is so much more (and better) out there. Where I am and who I am is no mistake. No man will ever determine my self-worth nor who I will become. Initially, after a breakup, it is just going to suck until it does not. 

Have you ever wondered if you are dating a loser? Because you may. Read this article. 🙂

“Seek the truth for yourself, and I will meet you there” 

[Disclaimer: not an easy read]

I suffer(ed) from PTSD for a while because I have dealt with a lot of difficult things in my careers as a police and security officer. I have seen many people die and there were many traumatic experiences when I pretended everything is fine but deep down, I was not fine at all. I could not “just” fill out that “dead-person-intake form” while I stood next to a person who jumped off the 9th floor of a building with parts of her brain stuck to my uniform and shoes.

Before that particular incident, my colleague and I were laughing in the police car. Everything was okay. We contemplated were to have coffee and a pretzel next. I remember it was a nice afternoon and I looked forward to the Metallica Concert that evening. The radio kept playing Metallica songs all day to promote the concert. The music in the police car droned on, but we stopped listened after the dispatcher told us to drive to the location where, according to neighbors, a woman climbed out of her window and tried to get to the top of the roof of her apartment.

I still did not put two-and-two together while we hurried to the scene. Maybe she wants to escape from someone who threatens her in the apartment? Maybe she tries to get into her apartment from her neighbor’s balcony because she forgot her keys? I was still gnawing on my lunch-sandwich. As a police officer, there are not real times to take a break. “I think something terrible is about to happen,” my colleague said. I did not acknowledge him but chewed ahead. I tried to put two-and-two together but my mind was blank. Blank as a white canvas. The woman took her own life. She jumped off the roof while my colleague and I drove around the corner. I saw her eyes while she jumped and I see them to this day. Wide open, terrified and scared. This is how I felt when I arrived at the scene. In her apartment, I wanted to find out if there were any screams for help. Anything, that could have explained what just happened. I did not find anything. I just saw a glass of red wine (still half full) with lipstick stains on it, a CD playing (Jazzonova) quietly in the living room and the window wide open. On the floor,  her black high heels.

It took me several hours to cry. I did go to the Metallica Concert that night because I purchased the tickets a long time ago. I was on my bicycle riding back home when I felt like screaming, crying. When I arrived home my neighbor asked me, “Why are you crying, what happened? Is everything all right?” And this was the point when everything came out: the complete waterworks. The wails and the screams and the snot. I went into some sort of depression this year and I knew I have to change my job. It was a sadness so deep that it physically hurt. I did not want to deal with suicidal issues and death on a daily basis anymore. I woke up crying sometimes because I thought I could have been able to save one suicidal person. In my reoccurring dreams, the suicidal people always laugh. I remember one particular dream when a person said, “Why do you care if I am dead when you are still so afraid to live your life?” I woke up crying. This all happened many years ago, yet it all seems so fresh.

Death scares us and because of this, we avoid to think and talk about it. Trying to figure out how some of the suicide victims I got to know personally must have felt, I can just say that I always saw and felt an endless and incomprehensible nothingness that they experienced. This made me think and come to the realization that if there really is no reason to do anything, then there I also no reason to NOT do anything; that there is no reason to ever give into one’s fear or embarrassment or shame since it is all a bunch of nothing anyway. By spending my life avoiding what was painful and uncomfortable previously, I had essentially been avoiding being alive at all. This woman’s suicide marked the clearest before/after point in my life. I really knew I had to change or turn my life around. I morphed into a new person while still carrying some of my insecurities, struggles, and baggage.  But this made all the difference and was transformational. Strangely, it was someone else’s death that made me appreciate life so much more.

The other day I went for a run. Running steadily, my leg muscles stretched and ached since I just started to train again. The cold wind screamed across my face but I kept running. I looked up. The sky was bright and beautiful. There was even a bit of sunshine. I was sweating, yet cold. Excited, yet nervous. Can I run away from it all? I stopped for a moment. Who is that at the horizon? I saw his familiar green jacket, his bicycle and I smiled. He smiled back and signaled me to run towards him. What if this is it? What if this is all there is? Then I would be happy. I shuffle on. In his direction. Against my mind. Against my thoughts and fears. One foot forward. Everything is okay. Being alive is so awesome.