.SOMETIMES RAW.

Single, unemployed, and suddenly myself? That was what happened to me in 2017 and created this change in mind, hovering, at the beginning of two tough years ahead. Divorce is not the end of the world. It is painful, it sucks but I got through it. Mainly, things fell into place when I started to love myself and figured out who I am and what I want. I sort of lost myself in all those years previously without even noticing. Self-love is notoriously difficult and I have been terrible at it. But this grief that my divorce caused opened my heart at a different level so I was able to begin this process of becoming more than I am and made self-love a reality in my life. Over the past three years, I have learned a great deal and how I can start to be kinder with myself. I know now what I want and don’t want, how to listen to my gut, communicate what bothers me and simply say “no” if it doesn’t feel right to me.

I stopped sabotaging myself. If you find yourself in a relationship with, for example, a rather dominant, ego-centered partner who conjures convincing arguments against yourself it may be time to get out. Because being with this type of partner is the easiest way to drown your potential and who you really are. In the long-run, this self-limiting behavior is destructive and programmed to prevent yourself from trying or even caring anymore. I had to learn to recognize this state of mind so I could begin to escape it. I also had to acknowledge that I was my own worst enemy for years. I was the greatest threat to my own happiness. And the quicker I recognized this fact, the less time I wasted on preparing myself for external harm. For years, I was perpetually in my own blind spot and hence caused the greatest injuries to my soul.

Another thing I learned is to not give in to doubt or fear. If it doesn’t feel right, it usually is not. There is a clear difference between being self-aware and cautious, and lacking conviction. When I found myself in a difficult situation, I forgot that all I have to do is simply to pause, think, reevaluate the situation, and make the next right move.

I took care of my physical and mental health. Stress is the worst. Stress can kill you. Stay out of arguments and clarify things. If you are not enough for yourself, you will never be enough for someone else. Throughout these crazy two years of getting a divorce, no matter how ambitious or driven I am, I had to remember that my life is a marathon, rather than a sprint. At times I grossly overestimated what I could do in a day or one week and underestimated what I could achieve over a couple of months. I learned to give myself the time I needed to realize my potential by taking care of myself. I approved of myself because my interests matter. This way, my ability to overcome challenges is limitless. I am always free and accept all circumstances, good or bad, as my teachers. I think that every fight or argument I had happened because of missing inner harmony.

Feel less guilty about pleasure, my friend. Whatever that may be and helps you through whatever tough times you are experiencing. You feel guilty about things that bring you joy because you either feel they are undeserved, inappropriate, or that there is still so much to be done? Time on this planet is fleeting, so I realized I have to make peace with this guilt if I must and give myself permission to experience life fully with whatever excites me. I allow myself to feel what I feel because everything I feel is justified and does not need to be explained.

I started to put myself first because this way I reclaimed control over the narrative of my life. This way, I did not longer live in the shadow of others and make compromises that take away from my joy. And unless I am happy, I cannot bring happiness to others. I needed to evolve from this fixed mindset to a growth mindset which was not easy but manageable.

I learned how to reflect deeper and more often. There were parts that I did not like about myself but never felt bad. This is who I am. I conversed with them until I understood to forgive and forsake them. I surrounded myself with people who genuinely care about me. People who valued my company. This way I learned how to appreciate the things that they love about me. They will act as my mirror and reveal the best and worst of me. This way I became and become the best possible version of myself because I am enough.

Slow life down whenever you need to so you can regain your breath. Spend time with people you love. Or alone. Or in the woods. You know best what you need. But choose yourself first. Walk away from toxic situations that make you feel bad. To let go means to be free. Free from the past. Free to believe that destinies may change. You are your own soulmate.

I was (and still am) on this self-discovery journey for quite some time. I won’t say it is easy. But, in the end, you may meet someone again who sings the same tune. Someone who makes time stand still while you are in awe.

Honestly, usually, I jump away from children the way most people jump back from a hot stove. I don’t dislike them. As a matter of fact, a lot of them are funny and smart and tuned in to all the cultural shit. Like my son. A lot of them are usually more than willing to very slowly explain things to me as I nod and take notes. The power that young people have is amazing because neither I nor anyone I have ever met has reached the mystical age at which you “stop caring about things”. Here is a tip: it does not exist. Most of us are barely concealing our desperation to understand exactly what the f*** these young people are talking about. Not because I want to participate, but just in case there’s some sort of entrance exam for cool adults.

Sometimes I feel terrified to be at home with my son. I have a lot of basic knowledge and have committed thousands of random facts to memory. I studied. I am working on my P.h.D. but did you know that an individual blood cell takes about sixty seconds to make a complete circuit of the body? Mr. Binocs on YouTube told him that. We have to make geodes out of some weird chemical solution and look at all his rocks through the magnifying glass. Then talk about it all for hours. G-sus he has so many questions, which is okay but c’mon.

The other day, we met a mom and her son (who was ten and read a history book) in the park. After our kids played he came over and asked me (out of nowhere) if I knew who the thirty-third president of the U.S. was. I thought he was playing that game where someone knows the answer to the question they are asking because it is right there int he book he just happened to be reading. So, I say, “No! Who?” as if I knew and was just playing along. And then we just sat there looking at each other until I realized he was waiting for me to come up with the answer and help him pass some sort of “we-are-chilling-in-the sun-exam”. Why are you asking me this? Wouldn’t you rather learn which household cleaners you aren’t supposed to touch or use? Or that it is pretty much impossible to uncork a wine bottle without a bottle opener? Here are some things I can teach a kid:

• some important history about Germany
• not to drink wine, then egg nog, then sparkling wine in one sitting
• how to file taxes
• the best hangover remedy (Drink more. JK! Drink coconut water)
• everything about Diana Arbus’s photography
• the best Instagram accounts to follow
• which essential oils to use
• cooking
• cleaning
• the benefits of an Epsom salt bath
• how to play Rommé and win like a pro
• how to avoid making an unwise tattoo decision (just make it, who cares)
• where to eat in Vienna (restaurants please open again)
• how to make French Onion Soup
• healthy food snacks
• how to stare into space
• how to write a book
• the pleasure of reading for hours
• how to make fake phone calls to get out of public interactions
• how to avoid people you hate
• the lost art of ironing
• how to build a strong character and moral center
• how to fake your own death
• how to order pizza but also add a fresh herb salad and roasted Brussel sprouts and shallots to go with it

For now, I think it is all fine. I don’t want anyone to ever get the upper hand on me, even if its a miniature one that has not yet touched a steering wheel or a beer. I am not going to give him my credit card, but I also won’t give him any poisoned apples. So far, my parenting skills work out. He is fine, healthy, smart, strong, and cute. Maybe he won’t ever appreciate what I have done for him. He does not have to. I am his mother. It is my responsibility. Maybe, when he is older, he will take a page from my book and write about how I sold his voice to a sea witch. Who knows.

You can’t give people the shit you think they need, no matter how badly you want to if you don’t know how to give and receive!—it yourself. I’m learning this, I’ve been learning it but sometimes I forget. I don’t know how or why it happened that at some point really early on when I was learning what “love” is, I got this idea that it’s finite. Sacrificial. That it’s a fixed mass to which you can add, I guess, but mostly from which stuff is subtracted. The bravest among us seem to know that actually, it’s an infinite well.

I wrote all this because I cannot figure out how to get that plaster for his geode hard enough (eyeroll) and to spread it in the geode form. First I used not enough water, then too much. We made the crystals though. They were supposed to go into the geode mode. You wonder what I am talking about? Me too, but the crystals sparkled nicely in the sun while the plaster went into the garbage.

Oh, and it was Harry S. Truman. You are welcome.

Hey lovely,

Just checking in. We spoke not too long ago. And here we meet again. I have been seeing you from the sidelines on all those long nights you filled with writing, ideas, and reading. The Corona-pandemic is getting to you. I feel it. But you are strong. Remember, I spoke with you whenever you needed it. I know you continue to give yourself whatever it is you are most in need of. Does remembering your fragility help you put things into perspective these days? I hope you hold true to your aspiration of loving deeply. What about your heart? Have you been able to rebuild your home? Nothing can erase the past but time gives you opportunities to make new happy memories over the old painful ones. It may not always make sense but this is how life works. It has taken you your entire life to get to know the real you or at least welcome her home unapologetically. To exclude, include, and see behind the curtain. I know you wouldn’t give up on others so please refuse to give up on yourself and trust this process.

But remember, to be compassionate with yourself too and recognize that not everyone who shakes your hand is a friend. But I am certain you know this. Love and friendship are two-way streets. You cannot go where you need to be with the ghosts of those who chose to harm or weighing you down. There is more love waiting for you. A lot more. This new bridge you are building seems very solid and different from everything else I have seen so far. You are wiser now and this lends strength and not weakness to this bridge. I hope you will continue to do more, invest more, don’t be scared. It will just raise the quality of your life and open up to new experiences. Yes, you can always learn to be better. To be stronger. To feel love.

Hey, life is unfair by design. The world is full of people who lie, cheat, steal, hurt, harm, exploit and even kill others while leading a good life. It should not be like this but it is. I know you wish those who did you wrong were wronged too so they could feel what you felt but life isn’t that obvious or just. There are some humans out there who think they have power, wealth or the ability to control and intervene and materially affect someone else’s life but this effort requires destructive intentionality. Let it be. You have already begun to realize that forgiveness has more to do with yourself than others. It brings you peace and freedom from attachment. All those dreams and hopes that you had pinned on someone else get laid to rest when you forgive them. This is how you must learn to sever yourself from those who do not deserve you. Let them go. Let them live their own life. And I see something better has entered your life because you gave it the opportunity. What did you say? He will understand your heart bit by bit. After all, a home is opened to a stranger but with a slight delay. I love this. I think this was what I needed to hear from you. And it applies as much to ourselves as it does to the strangers we welcome into our lives. You are still making this home. Remember that. It requires tremendous care.

It is joyful to see you learning and stretching yourself with the wisdom of so many people you have already met. They have all moved and challenged you to become kinder and more reflective. You know that words have the ability to outlive us and impact others beyond the conventional limits of space and time. So please do publish your next book. It will probably change your life.

As I see so far, 2020 is a milestone year for you. You will turn 39 this year. You take care of this little soul, your son, with so much love. I remember you had different plans but life rarely works exactly as we want it to but that doesn’t mean the past decade has been any less extraordinary. You have become fully aware of both your gifts and your flaws. Be grateful for the clarity they have brought you and it will serve you well your whole life. Take these lessons and keep pushing forward. You have so many new wonderful experiences to look forward to. During this pandemic, you should know that your attention and emotions are your only currency. Who you choose to spend them with are critically important daily choices so please make them responsibly. On your best days, you are unstoppable, open-minded, loving, wise and kind. Stay this way. Always. But also know that you have some avenues to improve and show up as your best self. Keep asking questions. Being true to yourself and at peace is an everyday choice you are making toward internal happiness. The alternative is to give in to disappointment, anger, and hate. This will only exhaust your limited time and energy. No need for this.

But some things are better the more they stay the same so please keep watching life happen all around you. Your ability to love, live with joy and watch it unravel joyfully is special. You have this gift which is amazing so make sure you use it enough. I cannot wait to see where this new road will lead us.

Breathe. You will be fine. I believe in you.

With love,

Yours.