.SOMETIMES RAW.

One afternoon ze husband came home with a fancy “this-thing-literally-can-do-anything-even-bake-me-a-cake” scale. Apparently it can be controlled through his phone, watch and whatnot and monitors the exact calorie intake vs what he burns throughout the day (It can feed you too, I reckon). Do I need a scale like this? Hell no! I am definitely not the person who steps on a scale first thing in the morning and let this thing rule my day or mood. When ze husband went on the mission to Somalia, that scale went down in the garage (nope, I did not throw it out – yet!) to just prove a point. He is gone and so is this scale. Since we are moving soon, I found this high-tech thing again waiting patiently in the corner, collecting dust but silently invited me to step on it. “Step on me, I know you care, ” the things seemed to whisper. 

I am not attached to the scale anymore since I figured out how to measure and monitor my weight differently. I have this one pair of jeans that fits nicely when I am let’s say around 67 kg. As soon as my weight goes over this number, I know I have to take it easy on the chocolate cakes. 

These numbers on the scale hold little significance to me and I won’t get emotional. I think I am in control of my body (am I really?) but tracking calories on a daily basis, no thank you. Life is too short. There was a time in my teenage years when weight mattered to me. I was never obsesses but indeed stepped on my parents’ scale for weight management 101 every single morning and was in a good mood when the weight was “okay” and in a bad mood all day long when it wasn’t. Eventually, I stopped since I did not want to mentally chain me to measurements and numbers. It exhausted me to the point that I was close to an eating disorder. 

Frankly, it is basically common sense how to lose weight; not so common for some people so here is food for thought: 1) I have to eat less; 2) eat healthy and 3) exercise. Done! Well, or get surgery. I can read a ton of magazines about losing weight, exercising and getting all the gadgets (food diary and whatnot) the industry tells me to. But basically, all that is necessary is a pair of good sneakers and a park. No expensive gym membership either. It is all about finally “doing” it and moving around. I figured out that fast paced walking is way better for my joints than jogging. 

Food-wise: All these zero-fat products don’t work. Either I eat my veggies and then put on my sneakers and move around or I don’t. In case of the latter, the weight will most likely stay the same. Also, crazy dieting turns some people into insolent, crabby ass*****.  On the other hand, people who lost a lot of weight and are now “experts on nutrition and health” and preach what they “know” are pretty annoying as well. Why I did not become a nutritionist? Honestly, one day someone tells you chia seeds or coconut oil are the best thing to eat and the next day, this food is very bad for you. Every human being is different and for example raw food is not ideal for everyone. Paleo diet and whatnot, same thing. 

“It is so very important to eat a big healthy breakfast that is full of ONLY healthy fats, whole grains and chia seeds. Also make sure you skip snacking by taking your own food to work. AND THEN use the stairs instead of the elevator all the time. Also, eat eggs. But not the yellow part. ONLY the egg white.  Since I AM doing all this I am feeling sooooo much better, ” a friend told me not too long ago. I don’t actually want to hear this when I think about to rub “Häagen-Dasz chocolate chip cookie dough” all over myself. Also, whenever I bring lunch to work, it looks sad and not like the amazing dinner I had the lunch before. 

One more thing about sports and working out: I tried it all. From gym membership, (im)personal trainer who just hit on me, Zumba, QiGong, Karate, Handball, Volleyball, Basketball (I don’t like these kind of team-games). Working out for me means being by myself, with music (optional) in the woods or in the park. My mom told me about AROHA which is huge in Germany for whatever reason and that she is totally into it. I looked at her and asked, “What are they doing? What is this? I thought AROHA is a part of Hawaii”. She looked at me puzzled and I shrugged it off. 

I know that working out can be a total bummer. When I was a police officer I trained for a full marathon and finished it. Never again. Jogging and running was no fun anymore. It simply became a chore I needed to do and I ended up hating it. I am definitely not a gym-person either. Running on the treadmill for 30 minutes  staring at sweating people or posers is not much fun. Or trying to figure the elliptical machine or stair master out while looking like a complete uncoordinated moron, also not my thing. Plus, the smell at the gym. Yuk!  Hold on. What was I even talking about? 

The scale. I do care about my weight. I want to be healthy and I know that if I gain too much weight my joints will hurt and I feel uncomfortable. Whatever I do to keep my weight at a healthy level, I won’t waste an obnoxious amount of valuable energy. I don’t care what other people say about me. Comments, blablabla and whatnot. This society we are living in is so full of BS most of the time anyway and obsessed by measuring the value of a person through and by looks and appearance only. Just in case people forgot: There is more to a person than looks and weight. To be healthy and arrive at a good weight for my body I learned to listen to my body! Really listen. 

The greek philosopher Heraclitus once said that “everything changes and nothing stands still” (my dad’s favourite). Besides Heraclitus’s quote, I don’t even know how many times I heard  “summer is over” in the last couple of days. The summer in Germany was not as great as I thought it would be. There were the occasional awesome days but otherwise I experienced a cold fall/rain mix that weirdly dragged me down. Summer 2017 meant working on my Master’s proposal, literature review and annotated bibliography for my research project. Summer 2017 meant being able to attend and enjoy the Forensic Linguistics Conference in Porto/Portugal. It also meant spending time with family and friends. Also, meeting new friends and spending awesome evenings outside in the garden talking for hours with my brother and sister. There was something definitely different this summer. It was a lot quieter and less hot but nonetheless there were still life-changing events and adventures. There always are. 

The last month and a half were enjoyable, loving and way better than any Canadian winter. However, soon it is time to go back to my beloved Canada. My home. Time for change. Time for something “new” yet I know what I get myself into. There is a lot more 2017 holds for me and that I can look forward to. Writing this way sounds as if I am a little less sad or that I am totally okay thinking about the departure.

I think it is just this weird stage of looking forward to something and trying to hold on to the past while living in an allusive present which is sort of uncomfortable. When I decided to take a summer course at my university I did not know that this sparkling allure of May, June, July and August slightly dims since I am not free from assignments, readings and writings while also taking care of my almost four year-old son. All this while trying to enjoy an adult summer with the same responsibilities, family matters and to-do lists. For my son the summer means that the world is on hold. Everything is awesome, special, he can spend time with Oma and Opa and life is just a 24/7 game. I learn from him and try to adapt. To pretend the real world is on hold seems kind of sweet and awesome. For my son, every day is magic! Then we grow up. We learn what real life is and feels like but I am lucky and able to feel this “kid-summer” of complete magic, being carefree without worrying; just a tiny bit different.

September is around the corner and the “ber-months” are approaching; they are just a couple of days away. September: still this summer feeling but I know I will need a cardigan at the river at night. October is next which always smells like a bottle of autumn perfume with a slight mix of melancholia and Halloween candy. November in Canada means the start of snow, cold and comfort that brings families together to snuggle inside with hot tea and cookies. December is pretty much the same but cozier, colder and more snow (and more cookies). January then is invigorating while February is introverted and one might get slightly depressed. March is sort of hopeful but new snowstorms are approaching.  April: pretty much the same as March but a tiny bit less snow. May: slightly better and the snow starts to melt. Spring is around the corner but then it snows one last time. “Are these actually tiny little tree buds?” 

These months I will study, work and write. We will be wrapped inside for those cold months but it will be all vacuumed away by spring and all the nostalgia and cookie-eating habits will vanish while spring arrives slowly. As usual. Spring always arrives. Life is just this ebb and flow of good and bad things. I appreciate the good things in the meantime and new adventures are just around the corner. 

I want to thank my parents for everything they have done for me. I love them forever unconditionally. “Summer’s not over until we say it’s over”. 

I overheard a conversation between two women the other day. One was at a bar with her coworkers the night before and they all got a little relaxed after some drinks that followed a rather exhausting business meeting. The woman said she felt good, she was relaxed, laughing, happy and outgoing. Especially after her second and third drink. Everybody laughed at her jokes and the way she danced with another coworker after her fourth drink. Dancing the night away, f****** awesome. Then she came back home and went to bed. The alcohol wore off and she realized that she kissed this particular coworker (who she secretly had a crush on for several weeks now) wondering if this was okay. If she maybe was too drunk, too loud, to annoying or what the others may have thought about her dancing her “ass off” to ABBA’s Dancing Queen while pretending her empty wine glass is a microphone. “Creepy, no”, she asked her friend. “I feel like killing myself now. What does everybody else think now?” 

The other woman just nodded in silence and told her that “this guy will most likely never call you again. Maybe if you are really lucky!” This made me realize again how unimportant it is what others think. Who the hell cares. I know I should not have too many thoughts for too long  (just a couple of seconds really) about any (weird) interaction I have had with another human being. Thinking about some strange noises I made, too much alcohol I drank or [insert anything here]. I laugh about it, shrug, cringe and move on. It is in the past. Nothing I can do about it now anymore. To think about it longer than a couple of seconds is too much. I know that life can be painful and cruel sometimes so I won’t make it worse by overanalyzing things or replaying certain scenarios over and over in my mind. Other weird things will happen for sure so I stop worrying (German Angst) and move on to the next inevitable situation. No need to put my head down, curl up in fetal position and weep for hours or days. 

Of course, this is not a free-of-jail card to misbehave inappropriately and just don’t think about it anymore. If I did something totally crazy I of course apologize. This post addresses more the little weird annoying behaviours but not insane rudeness. 

I have one more example that proves that I don’t even have to overthink what other people’s reactions are. Tonight I spent a great evening with my family and certain people looked at me weird and talked when I danced or about what I wore. Do I care that I am not dressed all in white or dressed in expensive brands and pretend I am someone I am actually not? Nope! This most certainly does not make me cringe, think about how I look or what I wear for one second. I do not have to apologize, feel embarrassed or weird. Most likely, people like this will gossip about everyone and everything anyway so who cares. It’s not my problem. I am free. I am me. I am doing my thing. And I am happy the way I am.