.SOMETIMES RAW.

Lately, I realize that the best moments on my journey were not important milestones, but rather the slow meandering Saturdays spent walking around the city, exploring and observing. It is easy to feel like I have to figure it all out, but then I overlook the sweet, small moments that are much more valuable in hindsight. This is a challenging time for everyone. One of the loveliest gifts I can give myself is being alone, though. I have discovered who I am by spending time in solitude and learning how to brace tough situations as well as enjoy incredible beauty. Loving my own company is a wonderful tool to use, especially during challenging times when I need space to reflect.

I have had many periods of loneliness, unsure of what I was doing and struggling to make sense of a new city and social atmosphere. I have found that I had to take these moments really slowly. It is easy to say look at the bright side but for some, it is incredibly difficult to do. Remaining optimistic and positive is hard work, and really needs a lot of practice. In this moment of global anxiety and uncertainty, the phrase we are all in this together can feel a little empty. It is hart to tap into a sense of togetherness when isolation is so tangible. It is even harder when you can easily spend an entire day scrolling through an endless stream of difficult news that doesn’t predict when the tune might change or if it is true what we hear on the news. And yet, hope persists. And these little acts of kindness such as buying groceries for my elderly neighbor who does not want to leave the house. These small efforts make a big difference. They are proof that as physically distant as we are, we are closer than ever. Peas floating in the same human soup.

Sometimes, my friend and I compare our daily highs and lows. Things about internal happiness and external desires and dreams. Lately, my highs were to go to the store to buy groceries, to write, practice yoga at home, read a lot, and do laundry. #gettingbackinshapewhilequaranteened. My lows were stepping into my son’s push pin-battlefield for his dinosaurs after my yoga workout. My friend’s high was hanging out together in the woods chasing the feeling of normality. Because nature is calming. His low was many ongoing pressures in his life that trailed him like a demonically possessed shadow. But, everything will turn out okay in the end. Just don’t step on those push-pins.

Otherwise, a lot of memories marched by, starting with the present moment punctuated by the twinge of self-consciousness that has veiled every thought, every move, every decision I have made since quarantine started. What am I doing? What is this sensation? This feeling that if I don’t communicate, I will erupt. Is it frivolous? Indulgent? Is it even helpful? What is “it”? I cannot keep asking this question for long enough to be able to acknowledge that I have taken for granted the answers to these questions all this time. I have had enough confidence in my recognition of the tiny incisions that sizzle within the flesh of what makes the human experience so raw. We are all so very vulnerable.

When my son asks me what is going on, I don’t put on a mask. I don’t pretend it is two weeks ago. He is old enough to understand. But I want to keep things as normal for him as possible. By doing this, he is not losing confidence in me and what I always tell and promise(d) him: this is home. Here, you are safe. Home will always be safe. I define safe as stable and under control with a lot of love. And a cup of black tea with Inländer Rum and honey for special occasions.

Let me tell you, for some reason, even with all this madness going on, I feel stable. I don’t freak out. There are still so many opportunities, so many things to do. I feel grounded and sure of who I am even though I don’t know what will happen in the future. The key is that hopes and expectations are not jumbled together like white and colored separates swirling around in the same washing machine. Just watch that the colors don’t bleed into the whites. But maybe they do bleed you might say. And then I lose my favorite shirt. So what? Maybe through the pursuit of losing this old one, you will find something new. Maybe you will like the new shirt better. So much better that you cannot even remember the one that got ruined way back when.

Even there is so much uncertainty these days, I know I have to slow down. That I cannot and won’t lose my mind. I don’t want to jump higher off the ground but instead sit closer to it. Be more in nature. Connect. And don’t get frustrated. Try to adjust. Because we are all adjusting. We have a lot of time these days. I can give stability to my myself and my son without putting on a mask and to do my best to protect him.

I won’t let the silver lining of white laundry get mixed up with color. And I won’t let social distancing make me distant from myself. Connection is salient these days. Even 2 meters apart. It is going to get easier. We are incredibly resilient as human beings. Eventually, people will return to their happiness status quo. We will adjust and get into a rhythm and flow. Even if things won’t be the same as before. Ois hot a end.

As the coronavirus has developed over the course of the past months, weeks, and days, my plans have changed and so has my life. And it appears this will be the norm for a while. However, I will share and continue writing. This helps me to cope with this insanity. Meet me in unexpected and interesting ways. Let’s talk. Leave comments below.

“I love you very much and look forward to marrying you… but if we have a fight you can always sleep here” – Saw this tiny plaque on a park bench at the playground when the playground was still accessible

Forever, as a concept, has always terrified me. I think it is the finality of the word that there’s no end, no second act. It is especially intimidating in the realm of relationships, which are often only deemed “successful” if they never end. I kind of move in with the presumption that I will never move out. I got married (twice!) with the intention of never being on my own again. I get into bed with someone one night and wake up believing I am through sleeping alone. For a control freak like me, that permanence is overwhelming. When I mentioned this anxiety to a good friend of mine who has been together with her husband for over 45 years, she brushed it off like a piece of lint. Don’t focus on what could have been. Think of all that could be. She said that after seeing each other through countless moves, career changes, childbirths, illnesses, and losses, their love isn’t made up of one continuous commitment, but many smaller, fragmented adventures. That is the lesson that stuck with me the most. That forever is a perpetually growing field of possibilities, one that continues to bloom no matter how many times you mow it over. And when you reframe it like that, all you are left with is an adventure. Remember, when the path reveals itself, follow it.

Marriage according to Nietzsche: He suggests, it be just “one long stupidity”, in which tow desperate people mask their neediness with all the trappings of a conventional life.”

There are these weird TV shows like Love is Blind, The Bachelor, or The Bachelorette when these mythical couples found the love of their life and know that they want to be holding hands until they die. I feel that these shows are just dumb. Why would anybody watch this? Is it just me? Is it okay to not be sure something or someone is for forever? Does happily ever after even exist? I am equal parts romantic and cynical about this notion of one relationship lasting forever, a lifetime. Here is one unsatisfying answer: I am not sure that we can ever be sure about anything.

My friend told me: “Married for 45 years. And happily ever after. We never get into arguments. Instead, we go to the park and read. Or go to the gym.” What do I know about happily ever after? After two! divorces. A woman who has collected more earthly evidence that relationships are sometimes very difficult because I have my own well of experience to draw from.

I think happily ever after is a myth. I don’t think one can seek validation through another person. This won’t pave the path to fulfillment. And anyway, I think I am setting myself up for disappointment if I adopt the mindset that one person will be everything to me. If I had to decide between this one mystery person who fills every void and checks every box, and all of my friends and family who fill my life with joy at present, I am inclined to choose the latter. I believe there is no such things as the one true love, the one soulmate, but rather the right person at the right time. And if you meet this person, go for it. I see how this idea looms large and ominous in my mind: What prepares someone to commit to another person for 45-some-odd years? And guess what? Nothing is fixed. Nothing is assuredly permanent. Everything is always changing, even in a relationship, we want to padlock. What could be less fixed than another person? Hitching your wagon to someone else’s does not mean the wagons stop moving.

I recently read a quote by John Updike on the topic of temporariness. Updike writes “that a marriage ends is less than ideal; but all things end under heaven, and if temporality is held to be invalidating, then nothing real succeeds.” I don’t subscribe to the idea that a relationship that does not last forever is a failure. How do I learn to enjoy something while recognizing its transience, without requiring a certain firmness of it? Is it possible? Doesn’t it feel like some people are much better at it than others? Do you need to come to terms with your own transience before you can do that? Every relationship is transient, after all. Some just last longer than others. So, does happily ever after exist? I don’t know how many friends’ weddings I attended who exchanged vows that I started to cry but who are all divorced now. Lately in these crazy Corona-Times, everywhere I walk, I still see couples. Maybe because it is almost spring. One seated on a bench reading, another laughing and sitting on the grass face-to-face with their legs crossed and their knees touching. Spring feelings after all.

Every moment in life is a teachable one, every disappointment and every curveball is an opportunity to move and grow and change. When I realized this, I became free. An understanding of divine intervention will always be just slightly out of grasp, but it is a journey that leads to fulfillment. This is not how my story ends. It is simply where it takes a turn I did not expect. In the glow of late afternoon in early spring and Corona madness, it is hard not to indulge a glimmer of hope, a feeling of anticipation for the sprawl of the future, and the kind of resolution it may or may not hold. Time will tell. I just enjoy it, don’t expect anything and see where it all goes. Then he will be next to me. And my heart is wide open but well protected.

I read a lot and when Reddit asked, “What’s the most beautiful paragraph or sentence you’ve ever read?” I did not know what to add. Such a good question but I have been thinking it over in my head ever since. I mean, how is it possible to choose among the thousands of books I have read? Often, I highlight sentences, passages, and paragraphs that stick out to me but there are just too many. Nonetheless, here are a few of my best-loved lines, and I’m curious to hear yours. Please add them in the comments below because this leads to food for thought and trips to the bookstore.

“She wasn’t doing a thing that I could see, except standing there leaning on the balcony railing, holding the universe together.”
—J. D. Salinger, “A Girl I Knew”

“In the end, people don’t view their life as merely the average of all of its moments — which, after all, is mostly nothing much plus some sleep. For human beings, life is meaningful because it is a story.”
— Atul Gawande, Being Mortal

“ ‘Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?’
‘Supposing it didn’t,’ said Pooh after careful thought.
Piglet was comforted by this.”
— A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

“I’m standing without you, on the bridge of the boat, cutting its way into the black night towards the end of the world. You never really understood my rejection. But there was one truth you did understand… that the one who speaks the language of reason is the one who loves the less.” – Benoîte Groult, Salt on our Skin

“You are here to live big. You are here to relax. You are here to be yourself. You are here to inspire and uplift. You are here to help. You are here to live out your potential. You are not here to live small. You are not here to internalize. You are not here to shrivel and doubt. You are not here to show off. You are not here to be anyone else.” – Daniela Henry, What If This Is Enough

“He who has no house will not build one now. He who is alone will be alone for some time. Will be wakeful, will read, will write long letters and will wander restlessly along the lanes when the leaves fall.” – Rainer Maria Rilke

“Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin. Dance me through the panic till I’m gathered safely in. Lift me like an olive branch and be my homeward dove. Dance me to the end of love.” – Leonard Cohen

“You will lose someone, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly – that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.” – Anne Lamott

“I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked, dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix, angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night, who poverty and tatters and hollowe-eyed and high sat up smoking in the supernatural darkness of cold-water flats floating across the tops of cities contemplating jazz.” – Allen Ginsberg’s poem Howl

“Some people say, ‘Never let them see you cry.’ I say, if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.”― Tina Fey, Bossypants

“There are many different kinds of bravery. There’s the bravery of thinking of others before one’s self. Now, your father has never brandished a sword nor fired a pistol, thank heavens. But he has made many sacrifices for his family, and put away many dreams.”

“Where did he put them?”

“He put them in a drawer. And sometimes, late at night, we take them out and admire them. But it gets harder and harder to close the drawer… He does. And that is why he is brave.”
— Conversation between Mrs. Darling and Michael, Peter Pan by J.M. Barrie

“Three things no one has ever said about me:
You make it look so easy.
You are very mysterious.
You need to take yourself more seriously.”
― Jenny Offill, Dept. of Speculation

“Maybe… you’ll fall in love with me all over again.”
“Hell,” I said, “I love you enough now. What do you want to do? Ruin me?”
“Yes. I want to ruin you.”
“Good,” I said. “That’s what I want too.”
— Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms

Wild Geese
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting–
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
–Mary Oliver, Dream Work

“Above the mountaintops, all is still. Among the treetops you can feel barely a breath: birds in the forest, stripped of song. Just wait: before long you, too, shall rest.” – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Talking about mountains: Check out my friend Geraldine Blazejovsky’s vernissage and artwork at Stumpergasse 16, in Vienna if you are around. It is amazing!

If you have a minute to share your favorite line, poem or book, I’d love to hear…