.The Outcome.


I started some new projects in my life and it’s in a shaky new territory. I feel doubt if I can do it while tensely trying to do everything I can to make sure it will all turn out the way I hope. The things that kept me up at night were fear, doubt, stress, and tension because I focused and was attached to the outcome and how things may turn out. 

After many meditations and time I spent with myself, I acknowledged, however, that the outcome is not always in my control. Sometimes certain people make things difficult or get in my way (even unintentionally) and destroy projects by suggesting stuff that makes no sense. Other times, things happen(ed) that I did not even thought about or expected while a marriage hung on an invisible thread already for a long time. 

Recently, I realized that there is always a plethora of outcomes that I did not even see and expect to happen, like making connections with people I haven’t spoken to in a long time, yet, here is my new apartment and lease.

I realized that I have to be open to change and new outcomes and stop focusing on ONE thing only since there are so many other possibilities, opportunities, and options I could be happier with. 

Whenever I put all my focus on ONE outcome and stressed out about it, it felt not even worth to start something in the first place because I thought I won’t have a chance of getting it anyway. And then of course if X, Y, and Z did not happen, I was hugely disappointed in myself because I did not live up to my expectations; I had the feeling I am not enough and that I won’t succeed. 

But, what if the outcome indeed matters? I need a new visa in the far distance to stay in Canada so here we go again. I do need to focus on the outcome since it is not just me anymore; this little sweet boy is strangely following me around for the last 4 1/2 years and wants to be saved from monsters, and protected. I know I should apply whatever actions are going to most likely get me that desired outcome by planning the steps and then accordingly to “walk” by not being too attached to the outcome. 

I always have possible backup-scenarios and plans in my head. This helps me to be more present with what I am doing right now, trying to find solutions, the being, the act of doing things, applying, filing etc. rather than focusing on what may happen in the future. It helps me to have a better relationship with the people who matter in my life because I focus on them instead of the goal. This also helps me to have a better relationship with myself because I focus on being content and my own well-being and health. What I need to add (spoiler): Happiness does not come from external or material things!

So, what do I focus on? The intention. It is what I hope to bring to the desired goal rather than what I hope I may get out of it. I focus on how I want to show up right now instead of how I see or predict things in the future; for example, I write this post with the intention to help others (and myself). Also, I want to be fully present when I am talking to someone and be open with them. Worrying and German Angst are the things I deal with on a daily basis but I am getting a lot better at it since I put effort into it. Instead of worrying about certain things and outcomes, I pay attention to how focused I really am on a problem or situation, how much effort and energy I put into it and how mindful I am while I am doing it. How much love and heart do I put into it and how much love am I giving? The outcome is really a result of the process.  Whenever I do not get the desired outcome I want I rather focus on improving the process by paying attention to how I am doing things. 

Instead of having a fixed mindset on something, I focus on what is particularly beautiful about this moment. What else can I notice or be curious about? What do I appreciate about myself, about my partner or everything around, right here, right now? Whenever I focused on the outcome, I tended to disregard feelings of people who are very close to me which was wrong. I now rather focus on my connection with them and why they are so salient (remember that fancy word for important?) in my life by being compassionate and loving. 😉 

I am reminded on a daily basis that playing and being curious about things are two important lessons.  Being more loving to myself and others while doing every act out of devotion, love and living in the present moment will transform every habit, every act, project and moment; hence f*** the outcome. Everyting will be okay. 

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