. Reflections- Thoughts over Breakfast.

 

While my son and I had breakfast yesterday he asked me if I can explain what a calendar is. This made me think again how fast time flies; we are days into the new year and 2017 seems to be so far behind already. I let the last day of the year pass without putting much energy into thinking and reminiscing about what happened especially in the last couple of months and other stuff that 2017 held for me since I was occupied otherwise. 2017 will always be the year when major things in my life ended and new adventures began.  

In some way, I am feeling excited about a fresh start even though I, of course, cannot predict what 2018 will hold. Nonetheless, it is a new beginning and I am more than ready to leave all the sadness behind and of course, continue to move forward. I made some huge steps and decisions and I mentally grew which shaped me into the person I am today. I decided that it is important to focus on my health now and to slow down. Why those decisions? The only answer I can come up with is that I genuinely needed to. It couldn’t go on like this anymore. 

The goal is to be more intentional about certain things in my life and areas that need the most attention. I had to learn that random things can’t trigger bad memories or sadness anymore. At least not to that extent where they slow down my life. I had to realize that this particular pain can only exist when I hang around in the past for too long so I switch to the present. This past that does not exist anymore. Time heals all wounds but unfortunately not on my schedule. I cannot speed things up because it may do the opposite. I know that by focusing on the relationship I have with myself I will improve. This way, the situation I am in gets so much better to deal with and I am able to figure out the root of my emotions. Nobody knows better what’s good for me but myself.  So all I can do now is respect time. 

I am trying to analyze my emotions. Emotions are a crazy phenomenon, especially when it comes to love. I listened to this and that interesting TED talk recently that discussed the concept of love. Helen Fisher analyzed love as being an apparatus of nature used to ensure we simply coexist long enough to reproduce making sure the continuity of our species continues and nothing else. I try to understand why I felt and had certain emotions and feelings for one person in the first place. I reckon that relationships are not successful based on common interests but rather on common priorities. And when priorities differ too much, it does not work. 

These days I am realizing that all those “scratches and bruises” of failed relationships add character. They give my heart a better feel and look. It is a tough time, yet I will come out as a better person. Nature tends to work out this balance that things work themselves out in a certain way but healing will eventually come nonetheless. I have all the tools to survive this and my broken heart heals. What happened does not determine my happiness; however, the reality is how I deal with those things that occurred. 

By letting yesterday go I realize that some of this pain actually makes a tiny bit of sense yet some other things that happened never will. I do not have this need to make sense of them anymore because it robs me of the ability to enjoy my NOW moments. I simply leave the past where it belongs and let some of the lessons find me slowly like creeping up from underneath my bed. I realized that suffering and going through all this improved my situation and me as a person.  Sometimes new things and situations might be frightening and uncomfortable initially but that’s in some way a recipe for growth as well. I also have to keep in mind that fewer expectations mean fewer disappointments. If certain people still tend to let me down or stop providing and the behavior keeps repeating into a pattern, it is on me to pay more attention and make it stop. In a certain way, blame and power go hand in hand and giving it away may not be the best choice, eh!? Whenever a person let me down, I take the time to figure out if I want to allow that to happen again since the past is just the past. All I am doing now is improving the present choices to hopefully have a better future. Thankfully, I know that my heart is very resilient. I now specifically pay attention to actions over words since they are shockingly revealing in my case. 

Every moment I receive is mine and mine alone. I can choose to waste it in the past or worry about the future or I can simply just be in the present. If people don’t appreciate the way I am or do not want to be with me anymore since they chose to be with someone else, then they simply need to move on without me. The company I keep is also my choice.

I learned that even when things are going well, I have to be prepared for the most horrible scenarios because it will make it less insane when it happens. I don’t have to trust a world or person I cannot control. I am staying focused on my journey one step at a time. There is just so much to experience and learn along the way. Afterall, it is okay to discover, get embarrassed, make mistakes and to be uncomfortable with new things. This life is so short anyway and I have to add now that I did explain to my son what a calendar, days, months and a week is after all those thoughts. 

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