No Greater Love.

“Loving yourself…does not mean being self-absorbed or narcissistic, or disregarding others. Rather it means welcoming yourself as the most honored guest in your own heart, a guest worthy of respect, a lovable companion.” -Margo Anand

So, there is this saying that there is no greater love than that a mother feels for her child and that the moment we step into this “craziness” of motherhood, we experience love so great, so nurturing and primal that it pretty much unlike anything we have ever felt or known before. 

My son and I have a pretty nasty cold and to top it all, Monday is a holiday here in Canada which means I will spend the entire Saturday, Sunday and Monday with him. It is all good and I love to be together but it can get a bit tough at points just because I don’t really get a break and I do need one; at least for a bit – especially when I am sick. I looked at him today while he ate popcorn and we watched his favorite show in the evening and felt so much love; it was just a transcendent unconditional love. It came from deep within, it was also this feeling of life and even though we are not 100% healthy we are both here and have each other in a way. It made me also realize that I love myself just the way I am; that I am enough. I am okay. I don’t have to make myself small and there is no ache to be acknowledged or appreciated by the world even though this is what we are told every single day. We can buy better bodies, faster cars, better smiles, better lips, better breasts and we constantly need more of all this. But I know by now that I am adequate and accept myself the way I am. 

Just thinking that I gave birth to this little person and what my body is capable of makes me a pretty magical creature I think. There is this somewhat deep connection I have with myself which makes me also think that I am enough and perfect the way I am. Self-doubt is not working for me and whenever those sort of thoughts occur I am grateful for my mind,  books, talks, meditation or whatever else helps to touch base with myself to feel whole again. This also entails to read and write and if it means I have to get up early in the morning to get it done, I do it. Alone-time is salient to me and good to connect with my inner self again. I know I have to take care of myself first. After all, even on the plane you get reminded to put on your mask first before you put them on to the person next to you, right? (even if it is your own child, duh!)  But do I check if this mask is on tight enough all the time?

Looking back I have to say, whenever I felt really low and bad in my life, there was a major lack of self-love. I knew I have to get to know myself better which is a journey on its own. It is a learning process and the signs my body showed me were nicely ignored for a while until I felt really bad and down. 

The more content, stress-free and in love I am with myself, the more content and calm is my son. Whenever I am my greatest version and feel good about myself, he is awesome and tantrum-fee. For now, I am his mirror. He copies and mimics everything I do. I give him the feeling that I am imperfect and struggle with weight, beauty, diets and whatnot, what is he supposed to think? He eventually will believe all this stuff too, and will doubt his own perfection. 

The other day, my son and I had breakfast together and we sat at the kitchen counter. I wore my sweatpants, a hoodie, no hair done, just like that. I was about to go upstairs to get ready and change clothing when I looked at the clock because I knew we are sort of late for Kindergarten. I told him to hurry up and to finish his muffin. We sat there, perfectly in our imperfections when he told me, “I love you Mom.” He took another bite of his muffin and continued, “And I love me.” I looked at him and asked, “And you love you?” He took his toy cars from the counter, smiled and said, “Let’s go!” 

Maybe I am doing something right after all. 

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