.SOMETIMES RAW.

It was a sunny, beautiful afternoon. I sat on a bench at a newly discovered playground in my neighborhood, drank coffee, and watched my son play while a family of five occupied a nearby table. Even though I was busy with my thoughts and book, I immediately noticed them. I looked up to find the most adorable seven years old celebrating her birthday. She was covered in pink from head to toe with a big princess-crown to complete her look. And she had a smile so contagious I couldn’t help but smile, too. I am still fascinated by that moment and all the hope and joy it carried. There was a palpable feeling of gratitude in her mother’s eyes and she was trying her best to capture it by taking as many photos as she could. Their light and laughter filled the playground and reminded me that the things that truly matter, often just simply smile at you.

I continued to read my book when a couple with child arrived.

“Could we sit next to you?”, he asked me. “Only if you don’t mind, of course,” he added. I looked up and noticed a couple a bit older than I. I didn’t give it a second thought and replied, “Of course. Sure.” After all, when we encounter kindness, the least we can do is embrace it. The man had a kind face with hazel eyes and spoke German with a Russian (?) accent. Besides him, was his wife/girlfriend, who wore a green dress and sandals. She didn’t speak at all but kept looking at me intently.

Spending time next to other humans on a park bench is always a revealing experience for me. It is usually just enough time to give me a glimpse of who they are especially going by how they treat each other and what they communicate. And in this case, all I was left with was warmth and a certain playfulness that took the edge off of life. I noticed this when they argued where they will eat dinner. At the playground or at home. And the second time, she pointed out that he actually never spends time with their daughter (who played with other kids and came over once to take a sip of her water bottle). A little reminder just in case you don’t know or forgot: You don’t need to entertain your child(ren) 24/7; especially if other kids are around! Both times, he was visibly irritated and said something to her in Russian (?) which upset her. She sadly looked him in the eyes and something immediately changed in him. The tone and pitch of his voice grew kinder. He called her my love and I could see her melt.

All that anger, irritation, and fear of whatever gave way to something deeper and more permanent: love. And they both knew they would be fine with each other by their side. I listened and glanced at my book, but asked myself if “their music” will really go on forever? Because I had just seen the dance of love and life. They were in sync and had made it look effortless. But I think what it really meant was that they had already put in the work. This is what you do when you want love that lasts. You ground it with respect and work on it daily.

Shortly after, they got up, kissed, and left while holding hands.

My friend arrived at the playground shortly after. We enjoyed pastries and a bottle of cold white wine that is, in Austria, traditionally mixed with sparkling water (“G’spritzter”). We spoke about relationships and the topic came up that she believes people have a consumerist approach to relationships. I paused. What happens when we chase permanence, not perfection? It hit home. I know what it feels like when someone you loved abandons and cheats on you, but I paused, afraid my words would fail me. I know my truth. Many of us today chase perfection in our partners not because of a need to feel fulfilled but simply out of convenience. I observed that permanence is rare. Perhaps it is our growing intolerance or inability to grapple with each other’s flaws that prevent us from staying the course. And then this thought: why put in the effort at all when we can just start over again with someone new? Register with Tinder and enjoy a new partner every day? Is it worth staying and fix something that is broken, or start something new? You will figure it out for yourself I guess. This is just food for thought.

When my friend and her daughter left, my son and I walked home and I realized more of and about myself and the person I would like to share my journey with. In relationships, I usually broke down my boundaries and slowly expanded my reality to accommodate others. This was wrong. Over the years and with experience, my focus shifted, and a whole new dimension of kindness and beauty unraveled within me. These days, I possibly enjoy the best version of myself and it feels that everything is unattainable without sacrifice. I know myself and how to love and be with someone else.

We were almost home when my son asked if he could make pizza for us tonight. He was so excited and I saw his eyes sparkle. With him, I feel love. This is true love and true for my child, partner, or anybody in my family. Simple. Unadorned. Wholesome. Untiring. And when there is love in my heart there is nothing else to see nor miss. There are no misinterpretations. Only beauty and comfort to enjoy every single day in each other’s company.

So, we made pizza. And it was awesome.

Single, unemployed, and suddenly myself? That was what happened to me in 2017 and created this change in mind, hovering, at the beginning of two tough years ahead. Divorce is not the end of the world. It is painful, it sucks but I got through it. Mainly, things fell into place when I started to love myself and figured out who I am and what I want. I sort of lost myself in all those years previously without even noticing. Self-love is notoriously difficult and I have been terrible at it. But this grief that my divorce caused opened my heart at a different level so I was able to begin this process of becoming more than I am and made self-love a reality in my life. Over the past three years, I have learned a great deal and how I can start to be kinder with myself. I know now what I want and don’t want, how to listen to my gut, communicate what bothers me and simply say “no” if it doesn’t feel right to me.

I stopped sabotaging myself. If you find yourself in a relationship with, for example, a rather dominant, ego-centered partner who conjures convincing arguments against yourself it may be time to get out. Because being with this type of partner is the easiest way to drown your potential and who you really are. In the long-run, this self-limiting behavior is destructive and programmed to prevent yourself from trying or even caring anymore. I had to learn to recognize this state of mind so I could begin to escape it. I also had to acknowledge that I was my own worst enemy for years. I was the greatest threat to my own happiness. And the quicker I recognized this fact, the less time I wasted on preparing myself for external harm. For years, I was perpetually in my own blind spot and hence caused the greatest injuries to my soul.

Another thing I learned is to not give in to doubt or fear. If it doesn’t feel right, it usually is not. There is a clear difference between being self-aware and cautious, and lacking conviction. When I found myself in a difficult situation, I forgot that all I have to do is simply to pause, think, reevaluate the situation, and make the next right move.

I took care of my physical and mental health. Stress is the worst. Stress can kill you. Stay out of arguments and clarify things. If you are not enough for yourself, you will never be enough for someone else. Throughout these crazy two years of getting a divorce, no matter how ambitious or driven I am, I had to remember that my life is a marathon, rather than a sprint. At times I grossly overestimated what I could do in a day or one week and underestimated what I could achieve over a couple of months. I learned to give myself the time I needed to realize my potential by taking care of myself. I approved of myself because my interests matter. This way, my ability to overcome challenges is limitless. I am always free and accept all circumstances, good or bad, as my teachers. I think that every fight or argument I had happened because of missing inner harmony.

Feel less guilty about pleasure, my friend. Whatever that may be and helps you through whatever tough times you are experiencing. You feel guilty about things that bring you joy because you either feel they are undeserved, inappropriate, or that there is still so much to be done? Time on this planet is fleeting, so I realized I have to make peace with this guilt if I must and give myself permission to experience life fully with whatever excites me. I allow myself to feel what I feel because everything I feel is justified and does not need to be explained.

I started to put myself first because this way I reclaimed control over the narrative of my life. This way, I did not longer live in the shadow of others and make compromises that take away from my joy. And unless I am happy, I cannot bring happiness to others. I needed to evolve from this fixed mindset to a growth mindset which was not easy but manageable.

I learned how to reflect deeper and more often. There were parts that I did not like about myself but never felt bad. This is who I am. I conversed with them until I understood to forgive and forsake them. I surrounded myself with people who genuinely care about me. People who valued my company. This way I learned how to appreciate the things that they love about me. They will act as my mirror and reveal the best and worst of me. This way I became and become the best possible version of myself because I am enough.

Slow life down whenever you need to so you can regain your breath. Spend time with people you love. Or alone. Or in the woods. You know best what you need. But choose yourself first. Walk away from toxic situations that make you feel bad. To let go means to be free. Free from the past. Free to believe that destinies may change. You are your own soulmate.

I was (and still am) on this self-discovery journey for quite some time. I won’t say it is easy. But, in the end, you may meet someone again who sings the same tune. Someone who makes time stand still while you are in awe.

Honestly, usually, I jump away from children the way most people jump back from a hot stove. I don’t dislike them. As a matter of fact, a lot of them are funny and smart and tuned in to all the cultural shit. Like my son. A lot of them are usually more than willing to very slowly explain things to me as I nod and take notes. The power that young people have is amazing because neither I nor anyone I have ever met has reached the mystical age at which you “stop caring about things”. Here is a tip: it does not exist. Most of us are barely concealing our desperation to understand exactly what the f*** these young people are talking about. Not because I want to participate, but just in case there’s some sort of entrance exam for cool adults.

Sometimes I feel terrified to be at home with my son. I have a lot of basic knowledge and have committed thousands of random facts to memory. I studied. I am working on my P.h.D. but did you know that an individual blood cell takes about sixty seconds to make a complete circuit of the body? Mr. Binocs on YouTube told him that. We have to make geodes out of some weird chemical solution and look at all his rocks through the magnifying glass. Then talk about it all for hours. G-sus he has so many questions, which is okay but c’mon.

The other day, we met a mom and her son (who was ten and read a history book) in the park. After our kids played he came over and asked me (out of nowhere) if I knew who the thirty-third president of the U.S. was. I thought he was playing that game where someone knows the answer to the question they are asking because it is right there int he book he just happened to be reading. So, I say, “No! Who?” as if I knew and was just playing along. And then we just sat there looking at each other until I realized he was waiting for me to come up with the answer and help him pass some sort of “we-are-chilling-in-the sun-exam”. Why are you asking me this? Wouldn’t you rather learn which household cleaners you aren’t supposed to touch or use? Or that it is pretty much impossible to uncork a wine bottle without a bottle opener? Here are some things I can teach a kid:

• some important history about Germany
• not to drink wine, then egg nog, then sparkling wine in one sitting
• how to file taxes
• the best hangover remedy (Drink more. JK! Drink coconut water)
• everything about Diana Arbus’s photography
• the best Instagram accounts to follow
• which essential oils to use
• cooking
• cleaning
• the benefits of an Epsom salt bath
• how to play Rommé and win like a pro
• how to avoid making an unwise tattoo decision (just make it, who cares)
• where to eat in Vienna (restaurants please open again)
• how to make French Onion Soup
• healthy food snacks
• how to stare into space
• how to write a book
• the pleasure of reading for hours
• how to make fake phone calls to get out of public interactions
• how to avoid people you hate
• the lost art of ironing
• how to build a strong character and moral center
• how to fake your own death
• how to order pizza but also add a fresh herb salad and roasted Brussel sprouts and shallots to go with it

For now, I think it is all fine. I don’t want anyone to ever get the upper hand on me, even if its a miniature one that has not yet touched a steering wheel or a beer. I am not going to give him my credit card, but I also won’t give him any poisoned apples. So far, my parenting skills work out. He is fine, healthy, smart, strong, and cute. Maybe he won’t ever appreciate what I have done for him. He does not have to. I am his mother. It is my responsibility. Maybe, when he is older, he will take a page from my book and write about how I sold his voice to a sea witch. Who knows.

You can’t give people the shit you think they need, no matter how badly you want to if you don’t know how to give and receive!—it yourself. I’m learning this, I’ve been learning it but sometimes I forget. I don’t know how or why it happened that at some point really early on when I was learning what “love” is, I got this idea that it’s finite. Sacrificial. That it’s a fixed mass to which you can add, I guess, but mostly from which stuff is subtracted. The bravest among us seem to know that actually, it’s an infinite well.

I wrote all this because I cannot figure out how to get that plaster for his geode hard enough (eyeroll) and to spread it in the geode form. First I used not enough water, then too much. We made the crystals though. They were supposed to go into the geode mode. You wonder what I am talking about? Me too, but the crystals sparkled nicely in the sun while the plaster went into the garbage.

Oh, and it was Harry S. Truman. You are welcome.