.SOMETIMES RAW.

Are you overwhelmed with stores opening again? With masses of people everywhere? Don’t get me wrong. I love that life gets somewhat back to “normal” but all these people everywhere freak me out a bit. I got used to “quiet” and am looking for alternative ways to live. Is that weird? To me, it is important to encompass all the fundamental values that help my son and I live a more wholehearted life, from being connected to the present moment to appreciate the little things and taking time to enjoy and celebrate life. Of course, life is life, and there are many things that try to hinder me on my quest to live more in the present, including the glorification of being busy, consumer culture and materialism, our digital age, and virtual consumption.

What does society tell us? That there is an association of being “busy” and being successful which is a dangerous equivalence. We cannot be busy every hour of every day, so when do we stop? How do I know when I have reached the limit of my busyness and the peak of my success? And if I am not achieving anything, for example workwise, does that mean I am failing?

For some, there is a deep fear that if they stop being busy, for just a moment, they could be confronted with silence, and even more terrifying, we would have to face the fact that perhaps what we are “busy” doing isn’t actually that important at all. Think about this for a moment.

It is important to remember that success does not just have to be defined by the big moments in my life or by collecting material possessions. There can be great significance in the small, quiet moments and in life’s little details. Just stop to think about it, there are other ways to evaluate how successful our lives are. For example, the connection with others, how much love and happiness I inspire, the impact I have on my surroundings.

How we shop and consume things has changed dramatically over the last years, with shopping and buying material items becoming entangles with our identities and social statuses. We are used to consuming things at a rapid rate, not only in terms of our shopping habits and the products we buy but also in how we consume information. Pretty much anything is available at all hours of the day but if it is no longer cool or relevant it simply goes out of style. Whether or not an item is “in fashion” or “in style” remains the driving force behind consumerism. One of the reasons that consumerism has become such a fundamental part of our society is the fact that shopping and buying things gives us a sense of identity, and most importantly, our sense of worth comes from the “stuff” we consume. Often, this is fueled by the idea that something is lacking from within, and whatever we consume can fill that void and fix us. it is also apparent in the way women and men are marketed and portrayed in magazines. Magazines are good at showing impossibly perfect ideals and with the turn of a page, showing products that will help attain this unrealistic definition of “beauty”, whether it is clothing, beauty products, or home decor. Did I get off on a tangent here? 🙂

It is so easy to get caught in the loop of working to earn money, to buy material possessions, to improve social status and happiness. But, of course, material possessions and consuming things don’t actually do this. I keep repeating this but for me, experiences, not things, make me happy. Buying stuff can be fun (books), but it is important to notice what is motivating me to shop and consume. Whether I am buying something because it is an essential item or whether it is a treat or luxury, providing a boost for my sense of identity and self-worth. It is also important to realize that even essential purchases are still wrapped up with my sense of self. Actually, separating my consumer choices from my sense of identity is difficult, but having an awareness of the industry and how we are marketed gives me the understanding to make more conscious choices.

And, there are always things to look forward to. They do not need to be big or extraordinary events but can be really simple pleasures such as cooking dinner and having friends over. Also, spring is around the corner. And summer. And beach. And lake. And BBQs. And strawberry-picking. Just a little reminder in case you forgot. Oh, you are welcome.

The idea: I said to my son, “Let’s make some chocolate muffins. You know how to do it!” We love to cook and bake things. Something you probably don’t know about me: I am a Certified Holistic Nutritionist (CNP) who can practice in Canada and the U.S. but not (yet) in Europe. I will share an article about it all when appropriate.

The scene & utensils: Kitchen, table, large bowl, and a hand-held mixer (since when do I have a hand-held mixer, mom?)

The ingredients: 2 eggs, flour, baking soda, milk, butter, cacao, chocolate sprinkles, and Agave syrup instead of sugar.

The instructions: Place all the ingredients on the table, measure everything with a “food” scale (again, mom?!), and add to bowl. This is where my son comes in. He is in charge of mixing everything together. Here we go:

1. Every single surface of the room is sticky and coated with a fine, white powder within two minutes.
2. I said, “Please don’t touch that! Bag that up right now! Bag! It! Up!” and his name at least a dozen times in the past forty-five minutes. Then I shouted, “Be careful with the mixer!”
3. My mood and attitude are completely at odds with the loud, cheerful music at this radio station mixed with more horrifying Corona news that serves as the soundtrack for our activities. “Ask Alexa to play Best of Patti Smith!”
4. The baking partner assigned to me is covered in flour and chocolate and is constantly asking questions.
5. I think I may be too old for this shit. As a colleague at work said, “Just buy the damn muffins!”
6. My son’s baking methods would be roundly criticized by any fire marshall with half a brain in his head, but it’s better to ask forgiveness than permission.
7. The whole apartment is covered in fingerprints.
8. I have said, “Did you wash your hands? DID YOU? Wash! Your! Hands!” at least a million times in the past forty-five minutes.
9. I have shed a few tears while I clean up. It’s not like I am made of stone. This Corona-virus-s*** is getting to me hard but I want to make my son feel good. If I don’t let this stuff out once in a while, it’ll turn me into a monster.
10. He moves things around before I can take photos (to send to my parents). Wait. Is this a Lego figure in the dough and who put it in?
11. Somehow, I have to mold these doughy elements into a cohesive whole — something I can tuck into a neat and tidy box and tie-up with a bow to give some to my neighbor. Something the outside world will accept.
12. Is this chocolate, maybe blood, Lego figures, or PlayDoh?
13. We did it. The muffins look okay. I don’t expect any thanks for what I did and do on a daily basis in this Pandemic. I am also a hairdresser and a teacher now. I can do it all. I can cut my own and my son’s hair. I am also able to teach first-grade mathematics, reading, and writing, art, sports, you name it. Corona made it all possible.
14. Oh, by the way, no one’s getting through this day without a tummy ache because there were indeed tiny pieces of Lego in it. Just get the Corona vaccine and turn into a giant Lego Zombie.

“When you say yes to others, make sure you are not saying no to yourself.” – Paulo Coelo.

“Mommy, can we make cookies for my friends in class at school,” my son asked.

Something that can get in the way of me finding rest or having time for the things I really want to do is not knowing how to say no. I personally find it especially difficult to say no when my reason to decline is simply that I want some time for rest or space in my schedule. To me, it doesn’t feel justified to decline someone else (especially my son) because I want time to myself, or want to do nothing, or even tinker with a creative project. It is easier to say no to myself than other people. While being quick to say yes can maybe help me avoid disappointing others, it comes at a cost. Because many times I don’t say no, I wind up feeling resentful, overwhelmed, exhausted, and even jealous of others who can say no with ease.

So, as someone who has felt these consequences of not saying no when I really wanted to, I was drawn to a concept writer and critic Kylie Maslen who introduced me to called “spoon theory”. Spoon theory is a way to create boundaries but also be generous with other people’s energy. As Kylie explained:

“The idea is that everyone has a certain number of spoons in their drawer and as you go throughout the day you will use up those spoons in completing activities… so you learn how to pace yourself and use your energy best in order to make the most of those spoons available.” The community will speak with that shortcut of spoons, adds Kylie. “Often we will say things like, ‘Hey, I don’t have the spoons to go into this right now but I will get back to you when I do.’ Or even when we are asking someone something we will say, ‘When you have the spoons….’ and in saying something like that, it says we understand that we are not going to push someone into acting deciding really quickly.”

What really struck me about spoon theory is that it is not only a helpful way to check in on my own capacity and provide a frame for saying no, but it also encourages generous requests. So before I share a few things I have come across that might help you with saying no, I think generously asking is an important point to consider. How am I asking things of other people? Could it be more generous or flexible? Could I consider their current circumstances? Could there be alternatives? Can I make space for a polite decline? Perhaps by providing the option for others to say no, I can normalize saying no, and maybe unwind from the busyness hamster wheel. Life is continuous learning so here are some approaches I have found helpful to frame saying no.

I listen to my guts. If it feels weird, I say no. A friend sent me a message the other day saying, ” Never beg someone to be in your life. If you text, call, visit and still get ignored, walk away. It is called self-respect”. He is right on.

I practice starting small. I generally find it a lot harder to say no to someone I am close to, so I am practicing with acquaintances or emails from strangers.

I do not say maybe when I want to say no. Sometimes a maybe is a legitimate maybe and that’s fine, but to spot a no masquerading as a maybe I ask myself if I would say yes if it was tomorrow? I also ask myself if I feel I need to say no out of guilt or fear. For the all or nothing types like me, it can be easier to identify what it is that is contributing to that feeling of overwhelm or resentment and create a rule: I am not adding anything new to my to-do list until next year.

Wait. I have a tendency to rush into a yes to people-please, so I am learning to take some time to sit with a request to determine if it is a yes or a no. Saying no is a delicate and ongoing practice, but one I think can help me hear my own yes…. even if that’s just to have space to yes to my afternoon nap or evening read.

This year, I say no to seeing my parents for Christmas. It will be the first Christmas I spend just with my son. I feel sad but there is nothing I can do about it. We simply cannot travel in peace or at all and there are so many rules and regulations to figure out that keep changing on a daily basis. So, we will make the best of it by saying yes to certain things. Saying yes to staying home, meeting friends in Vienna, spending quality time together, and buying a three-meter tall Christmas tree because I have the four-meter ceilings to accommodate this kind of madness. We will decorate it and hope Santa or the Austrian Christkind will bring many presents. I will make the best of this mess and just say yes to some things I usually would not do. I hope you will too because who knows what tomorrow will hold.

So, I made those cookies even though I was tired and wanted to be on the couch with tea and a book. You should have seen the sparkling in his eyes when he proudly took those cookies to school though. Choices.

Stay happy. Stay sane. Stay healthy.